negative relatives

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:27 am

You are right

Aha!! I win!

How do you still show respect and honor to your parents without getting drawn into the circle of doom? Like, I want to use this beautiful fabric for a new chair in my livingroom and while I wasn't home, my husband and my mom were looking at the choices and she automatically rejected my favorite as "not me" and "soon to go out of style", etc. Poo on her I feel, but it's disheartening. Why can't they just say, "oh what lovely choices you have".

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:42 am

seriously..look into mothers with BPD.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:57 am

Oh New and Codi! I ssssooo hear you! I am the youngest of 4 children, and my mother nearly died having me.

Now, several decades later, I get to hear about how she should have had 3 children and NOT 4. Yet, I am the one that SHE has chosen to live with when she can no longer live on her own.

Its hard when our parents don't treat us like the worthy adults we have become on our own. All I can say is BOUNDARIES and EXPECTATIONS.
I have to draw my boundaries, how far she can come in to my life and my business and even what she gets to say to me. Oh, more than once, I have set her straight and told her things are none of her %^&*ing business. And, more than once I have told her that she doesn't get to talk to me in a certain way.

A friend of mine once told me that I have a history of going to my mother looking for dimes and she couldn't even give me pennies. When I realized that my expectations were high above here ability to give, I trained myself NOT to expect so much. Or, in another way, to expect exactly what I have received. In either case, I never found myself surprised or disappointed.

I guess the best we can do - at our ages - while raising our children or watching our grandchildren - is hope - beyond hope that we don't turn out like our mothers. Perhaps our awareness of the way they are, and our ability to fight depression and anxiety, will enable us to hold firm to our own identities.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 1:05 pm

Wow-

I will try to remember the dimes vs. pennies analogy. And temper my expectations. When I think about it, I still do talk to her like I am a child who is afraid to disagree. Hmm. Another thing to work on.

Thanks for all the good advice. Merry Christmas to you all !!

Terri

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 7:22 pm

Lynnier, you gave the best advise I have heard on dealing with negative people you have to be with: Boundaries and Expectations. I have heard that and read it time and time again but when I read your post the ole light bulb went off. We with anxiety and depression seem to have a few problems with both of those. I thank God that my mother was not like that, but I deal with other family/friends/bosses who are so this is very helpful to me. Boundaries and expectations... amen!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 10:00 am

Girl, I know exactly how you feel. My brother does NO WRONG and let me tell you I am the true definition of "Black sheep" of the family. I am always doing something wrong in her eyes. My daughter and fiance and I just moved 80 miles away from her because she was getting out of hand with us. Anyway, I know most people can't just pick up and move, but maybe that will be some sort of goal if the two of you can't come to terms with each other. I would suggest talking to her about how you feel, but that didn't work for me in my situation. I believe that the best thing for you to do is sit down and write her a letter about how you feel and mail it to her. I know you live 2 miles away, but mail it and she just might think about it a little harder. I have also tried that am I wasn't sucessful, but in my situation my mother is a control funatic. Maybe your mother is as bad. I also strongly feel that my mother is bi-polar and just won't admit she too needs help. But, I would try the letter thing and maybe that would help somehow and as always pray that the two of you will get along as soon as possible because live is too short to feel the way you are feeling about your mother. Good luck & God Bless~

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 11:08 am

Here's a link for Borderline Personality disorder..

<A HREF="http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/bas ... tors.shtml" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/bas ... s.shtml</A>

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:42 am

<span class="ev_code_BROWN">Hi everyone,

Newrunner; I have learned late in life to treat my mom as I would respect a total stranger, nothing more. Treat her like she was not family. It does not hurt as much when someone that you don't know says something bad about you. I was always afraid to talk to her or stop her from being so sarcastic and abrasive. I learned that if I did not turn off my feelings that I would committ suicide and I felt she was not worth that.

I had a harsh childhood lacking any motherly love. I talked to a friend of my mothers one day in my late 30's, and from his conversation I understood that it was my mother's problem not mine. She never had a mother to teach her right and wrong behavior. Now that does not excuse it. But it helped me. Plus I once had a boyfriend who was attending AA Meetings for Alcoholism, on a regular basis, and once in a while I was permitted to go the meetings. I say permitted cause some of the meetings are closed just for 12 steppers. I learned NOT to let other opinions affect me. I learned it was "their" problem to deal with not mine. Sometimes I had to put up a wall in front of me to keep the hurt out but eventually I no longer needed to do that. I had a problem I was trying to deal with that I had cause my guys feelings to be hurt because I did not do what he wanted, and thinking it was my own fault. But through his friend I learned that I was not to take my guys problem to heart cause it was his problem to deal with, not mine.

Trust me it ain't easy; but in time you do learn how to shut off your emotions dealing with what others think of you.

I tried so hard for many years to get her to care for me and show it and it never happened. I broke my heart so I had to say goodbye if ony emotionally. I still spoke to my mother like I said a person who should see my respect. But never let her into my life. I just had to do that for my own sanity.</span>

Prv31Mom · Post by **Prv31Mom** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 12:45 pm

First, sometimes all you need to do is tell people how the way that they treat you makes you feel. If at that point they do not change their behavior you need to take their power to hurt you away by not allowing yourself to be hurt by them anymore. It is hard to be judged by others but you have to take a stand so that you do not get hurt anymore. We have had to seperate ourselves from my husbands parent's that live right down the street from us because of the way they were treating us and the kids. We have spoken only a handful of times in the last few years. Good luck!!

Chrystal

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 3:36 pm

I do not know if it will help you or not but this helps me: my mother died 22 years ago right after the birth of my 2nd child. She and I had a wonderful relationship and I miss her very much still. My solution is that since her death I have reached out to other women at church, work, neighborhood to either fill my need for being loved and accepted or now that I am older, to younger women to hopefully fulfill the need for them. It is nice just to share love with others to be like Christ and to not be as hurt by those who sadly do not know how to love.

PS I do know that sometimes it is Christians who hurt us the most, but we have to forgive them (for our own happiness) and share love elsewhere.