The Gaslight Effect

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 9:28 am

I was on another message board and someone asked me if I'd ever read "The Gaslight Effect".

Have any of you ever heard of it? I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep so I looked on Amazon. It sort of spooked me. The idea that someone would be trying to do something intentionally to make someone crazy!?

How awful.

I got myself all worked up about it, wondering if that was why I felt so unsure about myself. Then of course I realized I was just being paranoid.

My hubby can be manipulative sometimes and a little passive-agressive but that's not him.

Finally I talked to him about it and we actually had a really good talk about a lot of things that have been rattling around in my head lately.

I've been questioning how I feel about him in general, which is crazy because there's no way I'd want to be without him.

Does anyone ever get caught up in obsessing about if their loved one is really the right one for them?

Sometimes I confuse myself wondering if the things that are going on that I'm upset about are real or just in my head. It's sort of freaky.

In my calmer moments I realize that of course I'm with who I should be and we just misunderstand each other sometimes. Actually he helped me see that last night. I said. . .when you do something weird and I get upset and you act surprised I think either I must be crazy, or you must just be mean. Then he said. . . the 3rd option is that maybe we just sometimes have misunderstandings. . .

He always has a logical answer for everything, and it's confusing for me. Why do I sense alterior motives if there really aren't any there? Am I just paranoid?

Sorry to vent. . . I guess I'm having a bad (hormonal) week. LOL

sunbound · Post by **sunbound** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:22 am

I don't know anything about "The Gaslight Effect", but I did reference a book about a week or two ago that might help with your question about your husband.

"Cracking the Communication Code" by Emerson Eggerichs is excellent in helping with the misunderstandings and the cycles of arguments, etc. my husband and I were having. I highly suggest it.

One of the best things I've read, and I believe it was from that book, is to accept that your spouse ALWAYS has the best of intentions. Instead of being suspicious of him or thinking that he might have an alterior motive, how about thinking that his motive is always well meaning?!?! It helped me a bunch and it IS really true. This is good for all of my relationships as well. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he is NOT ill-willed toward you.

I hope this helps.

monty'smom · Post by **monty'smom** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:23 am

I had never heard of this till now. i had to look it up. Here is a link that explains what this is and how it works.
INTERSTING!!!

<A HREF="http://www.enotalone.com/article/16907.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.enotalone.com/article/16907.html</A>

Enjoy.

starrr123 · Post by **starrr123** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 11:24 am

I dont know about the gaslight effect but it sounds like you have trust issues and it make you confused about should you trust him or is it all in your mind or what.

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 11:38 am

I dont know about the gaslight effect but it sounds like you have trust issues and it make you confused about should you trust him or is it all in your mind or what.

Yes, my counselor told me I have trust issues too. So. . . the question then becomes, is it MY issue, or am I justified in feeling that way. I know you have no way of knowing that, but it is what I keep asking myself.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:39 pm

Trust often seems like one of those illusive ideals. When we don't know ourselves, how can we possibly know another, much less trust him/her? Just stay focused on your journey here, and gradually those doors will open. One of these days your life will be more like an open window than a closed door. Till then, just enjoy the journey. And don't be so hard on yourself or your husband.

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 2:46 pm

I don't know. . .the scary thing is I think I DO know myself EXTREMELY well. I've been here quite awhile, and I've also had years of counseling. I really don't know that there's a lot more of myself to understand or know.

Confidence, yes. . . skills, yes. . . learning to trust that I'm not crazy, yes. . .

The problem is, the more secure I get in myself, the more I'm not sure about my husband. I feel at times that some of the suffering I've been through the past few years has been from me trying to please my DH and do things "right."

As I'm getting stronger I'm annoyed that I questioned myself so much and only did what I thought he wanted. Tonight I was at the grocery store and they were out of the usual dishwasher soap. I started to call him to ask which other one that it was OK to get because I didn't have time to go somewhere else. And I got really annoyed that I felt I needed to call him and get permission. Anyway, I got the best thing they had and brought it home and said. . . they were out of the other. He was fine with it, but I still felt really irritated that I've let this happen.

So the question still remains. . .is it me, or him. Did he somehow lead me in that direction by his words and disapproval of me not having everything just so. . . or did I want approval so badly that any chance of not having it 100% made me feel uneasy? I really don't know.

We have been talking about this and it goes into so many different areas. . . and me feeling like if I let him down it's such a terrible thing. I don't like feeling like that. One minute I'm feeling anxiety and doing what I think I need to do and apologizing, then the next being mad at him about it, and then next questioning my sanity when he looks at me all puzzled because in his mind he never asked me to do it in the first place.

Not sure if any of this makes sense.

Sorry to ramble. . . gotta go get kids in the bath.

karenLeigh · Post by **karenLeigh** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:10 pm

I think you maybe over analyzing things. I just posted a topic about this. We are perfectionist or at least that is one of the personality traits. We want to find a deeper meaning about things....When sometimes there isn't one. We will pick it apart until we are so confused, frustrated, overwhelmed to the point of panic.
I think for myself...I just have to let some things go. It's not worth getting to the point of panic attacks or anxiety, etc...
I don't know if your spiritual or not. Lucinda said something one time that has stuck with me.
"Let go and let God"
Sometimes things will be what they will be.
Hope that helps

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:20 pm

I am a Christian, and I think that's great advice. I think part of my problem is hormones this month. My cycle has been off, and that makes everything seem worse.

karenLeigh · Post by **karenLeigh** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:56 pm

something that I always say when people are talking to me about a health issue is.....You know your body better than anyone else! I truly believe that.
Take-care and God bless