why do I need people to like me?
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TalulaTalula
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:35 pm
I too often am finding myself trying to please people to an absurd extreme. I do not know why others opinions of me matter so much, but I feel as if someone does not like me I have done something wrong and there is something wrong with me? This has been placing an enormous amount of stress on my already so very fragile fuse. I feel if I could just unload some of my commitments I would feel much better, but I do not know how?? I am so dumped on at work already having a huge work load, and then taking on others tasks, I do work that should really be handled by my assistants, I cannot delegate for fear that others will think me weak. I take on my daughters friends and my friends kids when ever asked, like last Thurs while prepping for a huge presentation, that got half assed because of this. I even find myself going to a church where I disagree with most of the things they say, just to keep up appearances? One of the biggest problems this causes is my husband could care less what people think about him, he does not sit and shoot the breeze with people like me, and he does not do anything he feels he does not need to. This really bothers me because, I know I am wrong in what I do and he is right, and also what do people think when my husband is not on my arm for all my appearances? We fight constantly over this, and I am at a loss I am so frazzled, but do not know how to say NO? Is anyone else a tool?
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Guest
I can very much relate to you on this one. In high school I found myself constantly being walked all over by my peers. I just wanted so badly to be liked by EVERYONE. I mean, it really bothered me if ONE person disliked me. One example that still sort of bothers me is when I was younger I really enjoyed singing. But instead of pursuing it because I was afraid I wouldn't be accepted by my friends who were all very athletic, I gave it up for cheerleading. Don't get me wrong, I loved cheering. It was a huge part of my life and I enjoyed every game, competition, and even practice. However I constantly wonder what my life would be like now if I had pursued singing and where I would be. I found myself doing whatever I could to please other people. To be honest I think this feeling of wanting to please everyone came from my relationship with my mother. I was never thin enough for her growing up and it KILLED me. It led to an eating disorder and me still struggling to like myself, have confidence, and find myself somewhat attractive.
Anyways, I know I'm only 20 but for the most part I have given up caring what others think of me. I do still struggle with self-esteem issues and still have days where I look in the mirror and hate what I see and am afraid others aren't going to like me, want to be around me, etc. But I'm really working on pleasing MYSELF from now on. I've bent over backwards for so many people my entire life and have come to find that they rarely appreciate my efforts. I have neglected myself for so long and hated myself for so long, I know this is a big factor in my anxiety/depression. If I work on doing things for myself as opposed to others then maybe I can get a life I really love and finally reach happiness.
I think you should concentrate on yourself also, I'm sure you are a wonderful, kind person who definitely deserves to be happy. Take care of you FIRST, you deserve it! I hope I helped a little.
Anyways, I know I'm only 20 but for the most part I have given up caring what others think of me. I do still struggle with self-esteem issues and still have days where I look in the mirror and hate what I see and am afraid others aren't going to like me, want to be around me, etc. But I'm really working on pleasing MYSELF from now on. I've bent over backwards for so many people my entire life and have come to find that they rarely appreciate my efforts. I have neglected myself for so long and hated myself for so long, I know this is a big factor in my anxiety/depression. If I work on doing things for myself as opposed to others then maybe I can get a life I really love and finally reach happiness.
I think you should concentrate on yourself also, I'm sure you are a wonderful, kind person who definitely deserves to be happy. Take care of you FIRST, you deserve it! I hope I helped a little.
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Guest
I used to think that i didnt care what other said about me. i understand now looking back that most of the time i was trying to get others to like me and i too would go to some unecessary lengths to be liked at times. looking at it now that i know this has been affecting me it still gets to me sometimes but im begining to get a different perspective on how to take care of myself first, and not worry about others if they dislike or like me. i can relate we just have to understand what is important to us.
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Guest
Thanks you guys are great! I feel like all these pressures are weighing down on me and I am going to break! I know I need to concentrate on myself...but how? How do you tell others no?? I read your story Molly C, and I could not even imagine going through what you went through, missing out on a dream is heavy stuff, and not having the support you need is even worse!
I think that I am just so afraid of failure. People not liking me is a failure! I think this aspect of my issues started when I got pregnant with my daughter. I was very young and I felt that everyone would look at me and wait for me to fail my life and hers. I went the other way, I was 100% dedicated, I did all the things a mom should do and more, I was over protective and went to all the play dates. I also had to combat the “flipping burgers” stigma that young mothers have placed on them. I worked my but off and now at a young age, I am an assistant director over my own SBU. Which also places a huge amount of pressure on me; I mean everyone is just waiting for me to fail right. If I turn something down I am weak?? I am so frazzled that I feel that I should just throw it all away and quit. My anxiety cannot handle much more, but I do not want to throw it all away. I do want to succeed..but how do I succeed in life with my brain working the way it does? Am I doomed for failure? Should I just accept that I have an illness, and give up the front that I am fine? Why can’t I get through this labyrinth that is my brain??
I think that I am just so afraid of failure. People not liking me is a failure! I think this aspect of my issues started when I got pregnant with my daughter. I was very young and I felt that everyone would look at me and wait for me to fail my life and hers. I went the other way, I was 100% dedicated, I did all the things a mom should do and more, I was over protective and went to all the play dates. I also had to combat the “flipping burgers” stigma that young mothers have placed on them. I worked my but off and now at a young age, I am an assistant director over my own SBU. Which also places a huge amount of pressure on me; I mean everyone is just waiting for me to fail right. If I turn something down I am weak?? I am so frazzled that I feel that I should just throw it all away and quit. My anxiety cannot handle much more, but I do not want to throw it all away. I do want to succeed..but how do I succeed in life with my brain working the way it does? Am I doomed for failure? Should I just accept that I have an illness, and give up the front that I am fine? Why can’t I get through this labyrinth that is my brain??
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Guest
hey talulatalula-
i know what it's like to be bogged down with SO many committments and pressure. what i've found though is it is really important to give up one or two things that aren't so important, so that you aren't so stressed, because it is a whole lot easier than burning yourself out and giving up EVERYTHING. i know this personally. i've really struggled with this-i'm 19, and two years ago, in high school, i was a classic overachiever, president of every other club, honor roll, worked a job after school and weekends all while applying to college and dealing with family stuff. it was so much, too much pressure, and i couldn't sustain being perfect at everything and had a pretty severe meltdown where i just gave up on everything and became agoraphobic-if i couldn't handle being perfect at everything and make everyone happy then i was just not going to try to do anything at all. *i know this is an extreme reaction, and i'm not trying to put any scary thoughts in your head, but just be aware that stress builds and we're just not humanly equipped to sustain it for long periods of time. i'm slowly making progress, taking on a couple of committments, but it's hard going because i'm afraid of (not)handling it. do yourself a favor. it's better to be really good at being one or two things (mom, career-woman) than not feeling 100% being everyone's everything. you'll feel so much better.
good luck to you!
i know what it's like to be bogged down with SO many committments and pressure. what i've found though is it is really important to give up one or two things that aren't so important, so that you aren't so stressed, because it is a whole lot easier than burning yourself out and giving up EVERYTHING. i know this personally. i've really struggled with this-i'm 19, and two years ago, in high school, i was a classic overachiever, president of every other club, honor roll, worked a job after school and weekends all while applying to college and dealing with family stuff. it was so much, too much pressure, and i couldn't sustain being perfect at everything and had a pretty severe meltdown where i just gave up on everything and became agoraphobic-if i couldn't handle being perfect at everything and make everyone happy then i was just not going to try to do anything at all. *i know this is an extreme reaction, and i'm not trying to put any scary thoughts in your head, but just be aware that stress builds and we're just not humanly equipped to sustain it for long periods of time. i'm slowly making progress, taking on a couple of committments, but it's hard going because i'm afraid of (not)handling it. do yourself a favor. it's better to be really good at being one or two things (mom, career-woman) than not feeling 100% being everyone's everything. you'll feel so much better.
good luck to you!