Dying Father

AlisonF · Post by **AlisonF** » Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:54 pm

Well, the inevitable that I always feared in my adulthood is now in the near future.....the death of a parent.

My father was diagnoised with stage IV non small cell lung cancer back in October 10/07. Chemo did nothing and they were going to try a pill that had to be swallowed, but by the time they they decided on the pill his esophagus had closed up because a tumor was pressing against it making swallowing impossible....

My 6'1 father went from 200 lbs to a skelton weighing in at 144...

They were able to put a stent in to open his esophagus so he can swallow, but it's temporary. They do no know how long it will last. My 75 year old mother is taking care of him and it's too much for her. I feel guilty that I have to work and can't be there more often to help.

Looking at his frail body and knowing that he won't be around for much longer breaks my heart...

I'm trying to prepare for his death, but I've been told no one is ever prepared. My biggest fear is that I won't mentally survive when he dies.

Is there anyone out there with anxiety and depression that can take me step by step of how I'm going to feel once he dies?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 5:15 am

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this situation. It is one of the hardest things we go thru in our life, but one that everyone sooner or later has to endure. I did not think I could ever survive my mother's death and truly felt I would not be able to function without her. That was 11 years ago and I did survive and I have accepted the loss in my life. I don't think anyone could tell you exactly how you will feel, as everyone processes grief in a different way. I had found a book titled when a parent dies that helped me see the stages we go thru afterward, but not everyone goes thru these stages in the same order. You may feel that you are falling apart for a while, possibly even feeling numb at times from disbelief, but you will survive this even if right now you can't possibly see how. I let myself fall apart for a time and cried thru the grief, and as time went on I found I was crying less and less. I also had some therapy targeting PTSD symptoms that helped me afterward. You may want to try grief counseling also.

dawfai · Post by **dawfai** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 5:44 am

hi allison. I'm glad you brought this topic because my mom had almost died of pnuemonia. She had diabetes and heart disease and when I allow myself to think about death it scares me so much. I always wonder if I'll just crack and go crazy and that scares me. My mom is 73 years old so age is a factor here too.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:04 am

Alison, my heart surrounds you for the pain you feel today, and the loss that is imminent. My father was 6'2", a constantly cheerful, happy man who was the person my family (and all my 8 cousins) always turned to for advice. His cancer was under control until two years ago, then it widely metastasized seemingly overnight. He passed away last summer, so small and fragile, most who knew him did not recognize him. My mother was end stage cardiac failure, and did not tell anyone. She did not want my father to worry. She passed away in March. Yes, it is heartbreaking. When my father died, I held it together for my mother. When she died, I collapsed. I am lucky to have some good friends, and my childhood best friend is still my closest friend. Together with all their help, I got through what I did not think possible. Those big empty places, their empty house, their empty chairs, they are so empty! I could not pull out of depression, and here I am, on this program. I won't sugar coat any of this. But many of us will be here for you. You can PM me, you can send me emails (my email address is on my profile page). I have walked that lonely path twice this past year. I do know how it feels. Reach out. We are here for you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:52 am

Hi i'm new to this and would love to know about how people feel in this situation...i have a grandmother who is 98 and is obviously getting old..we had scares since last year were we thought we'll loss her, i'm so worried abt the day we'll loss her..my BIGGEST fear is i'll go crazy when this happens. i would be able to sleep, i'll have continuing panic attacks, i feel like i'll hallucinate, hear things..basically loss the plot...! i'm so scare did anyone else feel this way..and get throught it..! another thing is i have a fear of ghost..like for some reason i feel like what when she dies like worry that i'll see her as a ghost..and the whole thing is scare bcoz to me thats what scary ppl beleive therefore i'll be scare//i hope i make sense...my past experience when some one dies suggests that i won't think that way and i'll be fine..but this is the first time someone CLOSE ( distance as well as relative) is ill. i did have my other grandmother pass away last year..and i was worried about it..but i coped..but my mind kept telling well she is in another country so your REALLY not dealing with it...! any advise will help!!! these scary thoughts are way too much!! but i'm sure we'll all have them in our own ways..!

Maeggie · Post by **Maeggie** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:23 am

As most of you know I lost my husband in January. I took total care of him for 18 months...a gift to Me. I am not a saint nor do I know all the answers...I do have some experience-having lost both parents and two very close friends. I don't think we are prepared totally, but with cancer we often see there are worse things than dying.

For me the important thing was for our children to have a positive experience along with providing Paul with whatever made him peaceful and happy. I read a great book, I think the title was, WHAT THE DYING NEED. It was very helpful.

When it was time I found that I could tell Paul it was ok to leave, that we would miss him terribly but we knew he would watch out for us. All the kids gathered and had private time with him and surrounded his bed every minute of the last couple days. We took turns through the night so he would not be alone... we have No regrets.

I still cry but I am not depressed. I used the skills I learned in the program and they served me well.

Please get hospice involved. They will help your dear mother. Leave the guilt alone...do what you can and know that you are supported by all the people here. If you haven't already, build a support system among your friends, neighbors and church fellows.

You WILL get through this-I promise...we were made to handle the big stuff...it's the small things that really do us in. Why? Because we look at the small stuff and push it asside because we have all this Big stuff to deal with... The small things build up, it all counts...if your spider plants aren't having babies and that bugs you...it counts

My point: take exquisite care of yourself and eliminate any stress that you can, especially the small stuff.

We care, Carolyn Dickman, Ed. Dir.

JudieM13 · Post by **JudieM13** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:13 pm

thank you so much Carolyn. I, and I'm sure everyone on this thread appreciates you and your wisdom and kind words. I needed to hear that. My mom hasn't walked in two years because of the diabetes and she also had a stroke. It frightens me to think that something bad could happen to her. My mother has ten children and we take care of her butwhen she gets depressed it's gets really hard for me. Thank you for your words.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:56 pm

I have found a website that helped me through my Mothers death so check out and know i know how it goes. the website is JourneyofHearts.com

snow_chick · Post by **snow_chick** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:18 pm

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate hearing other peoples stories and how they got through it.

Deep down I know I will get through it, but I just don't know how. I love both my parents so much. I fast forward in my mind to my parents funerals and think, "That's not how I want to remember them. lifeless with rosary beads in their hands"

I feel myself hyperventaliting a little bit thinking about the whole thing.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:55 pm

I am so sorry to hear your pain. I can tell you when I lost my father I did many things that I never imagened would be my way of dealing. I'm a depressed person, I don't have energy to clean! Yet the morning I received the call I began cleaning everything. I then became so sad I didn't get out of bed the next day. My husband made me go to mothers day breakfast for his family and I realized that was the first time I had ate a meal in 24 hrs. I've been sad, mad, and every emotion in between since his death and I have had 5 other deaths since then. The difference in the last 2 yrs is Faith in God. When my dad died I was not going to church but Nov 2006 I started going to church(after praying God would lead me in the right direction, and to my suprise many strangers began talking to me about faith)My best friend, Bijal @ 30 just passed away. The only and I mean only person I have ever been able to trust died. Between my prayers and my support of the church in my sorrow I was feeling strength. At that moment I knew to pray and say thank you because I have never felt that during a lose before. Please know God is waiting to hear from you and I will be praying for you and your family. God bless.