I was thinking this morning about some situations in my life right now that consume alot of my energy and while thinking about it I asked myself, why am I so good at giving other people such good advice on life and love but when it comes to me I have nothing positive to say?
I have a few friends who are struggling, 2 with relationship issues a break up and a divorce and another friend with just general life stuff, shes a single mom of 3 who gets down on herself to much.
It seems I am the one these 3 people tell all their whoas to and I get sucked right in, always feeling the need to help them and or trying to fix it with my words of wisdom. I only ever offer my advice to a situation that I can relate to and these are situations that are all to familiar to me. The reason I am writing is because these 3 people are very near and dear to me, they all hold special places in my heart yet I get so frustrated because they come to me seeking my advice and then continually dismiss everything Ive said only to continue making excuses and themselves miserable. Why do people even ask for advice if they are not ready to hear what someone has to say and by ready I mean do something to change the situation their in for the better. The reason I ask for advice is because there may be something I am not sure how to handle and need other peoples input on how to resolve the problem but when I do go as far to ask, I take the advice I am given. It bothers me to no end when someone comes to me for advice and then challenges everything I have to say, why bother even asking? It then makes me feel as if I have waisted my precious time by even getting involved and then anxious about the fact that they will say they understand or its good advice and then turn around and completely undermine everything ive said. Advice I have been given in the past about this same question Ive asked of others is stop taking on everyones problems and I know thats a good way not to get upset about it, however these people that come to me are close friends and I do not know how to say no, even though I know the end result. So how do I fix that. I know that if I ever went to these people they would be there for me but I need to learn how to not take it so personally when they ask and then don't take what I have to say and use it to help their situation. I guess this question would fit in session 4 about expecting less getting more. I get it, I shouldn't have such high expectations on what I think people should do or thinking they should do what ive done when handed the problems their dealing with but if their not going to then why come to me at all. If this makes any sense I would appreciate some feed back because I am really starting to get overwhelmed with this one friend who is going through a break up where he got dumped and this girl really did a number on him. Its so hard for me to see my friend go through this because he is probably one of the strongest people I know in every way and to see his weak side like this and to see him not using his common sense is tearing me apart and driving me insane and I don't want to hear it anymore because he is not even trying to deal with it he just keeps making excuses and is playing the Woa is me card. HELP........lol thanks for listening
Chrissie
Why do I get so upset about this and how should I handle it
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Guest
I know exactly what you are going through. I have a friend who was sucking the life out of me with her problems. She'd ask for advice by constantly calling me throughout the day, taking time away from what I wanted to do and from my family. I'd give her my opinion and she did what she wanted to anyway. It took the help of my therapist for me to see that I was enabling her dysfunctional behavior. I started distancing myself from her, she went to my answering machine quite a bit and I started to devote my time and attention to myself and my family. Guess what? She was able to get on with her life without me listening to her problems and helping her run it. If you put some distance between them, or change the subject to a positive one while talking to them, they may get positive themselves. My friend and I have reconnected. Our friendship is stronger than it has ever been. Whenever I see her slipping into her old habits of sucking me in, I change the subject, or I cut the call short. If you start spending the time you spend on your friends' problems on you, you will be much happier.
Good Luck
Lisa
Good Luck
Lisa
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Guest
It's really hard to know what stage people are in at the time they ask for advice. Some people are ready to make the necessary changes and take advice to heart and other's are still mulling it over and just want to be heard and have someone listen. We're not mind readers so we do the best we can. Sometimes I've said "Do you really want my opinion or do you just need someone to listen and bounce things off of?" We can't 'fix' other people's problems. They eventually have to make the changes themselves. We also have to realize that our advice may not be taken and to not take it personally. I found that when I've given advice and then have been challenged by everything I have said is that these people are not really ready to make a change and are trying hard to refute anything so that they can justify not having to change. Make any sense? I've done this myself and I don't think it's done on purpose or because they don't like your advice, but due to their own internal resistance at the time. Your friends will most probably end up doing what they want in the end and after a year in co dependency therapy I learned that being there 24/7 for someone's problems (the same ones over and over with no change)as LisaLisa said can be enabling dysfunctional behavior.