Hello, everyone. I am just writing because I am starting to worry again about my health. This sucks because I feel I had come a long way on my own to combat all this. This pretty much started this past weekend I went to visit my ailing grandfather and no doubt I was stressed about that. I remember having to walk up a big hill to retrieve some paper work from a
friend and shortly afterward, I developed a pain on the right side
of my neck. I also had jaw pain -- but I can't remember if that was
before or after. Anyway, after a few burps, the pain subsided, so I
chocked it up to some sort of acid reflux, probably from the
stress. When I was going through storage to bring home some of his
and my deceased grandmother's belongings (her death in March sparked this string of severe panic and anxiety), I remember I just couldn't
breathe. My anxiety level hit peak at that point and I felt I was
gasping for air the whole time. That night, I lay in bed and just cried for awhile and I must say I felt so much better! Next day, the jaw pain came back -- I have TMJ -- but somehwere between then and now it went away. I
have been having headaches -- mostly in the back of my head behind
my ears , sometimes my left side would throb, then today it is my right
side a little bit. Actually, it feels more tingly and numb. Last night I got a burning sensation on the right side of my neck, but, again, after a few burps, it dissipated. And, oh, Lordy, I even, at one point, felt a slight heaviness on the right side of my chest last night while I was laying down and it frightened me, but I had a good, steady pulse and I chocked IT up to my position. And, lest not forget the occasional electric shock feelings here and there. Geez!
I just feel like I am in a haze. My head feels tight, I have some
discomfort on my right side near my coller bone and lower part of my
throat. I don't know really know how to explain all this -- and
just by writing, I am finding I am paying a lot of attention to my
symptoms. Anyway, to exaserbate things, my MIL is coming this weekend and I am not overly thrilled about it. My husband was kind enough, during her last
visit, to tell her that I had some issues with her (during a time
she butted her nose into our marriage when I wasn't home). Now, I
feel I am going to be put on the chopping block and just by writing
this, I can feel the adrenaline start to surge. I don't like
confrontation and that's why I haven't gone to her about my problems
beforehand. My husband and I are supposed to "fight" this one as a
team, but I feel because he had to say something to her about MY
feelings, it won't be a team thing. Obviously this is really
bothering me, and I wonder if all my symptoms -- neck, jaw,
head, and even chest -- are coming from what was initially subconscious
concern to now conscious concern as the days get closer and closer.
Again, over the course of 4 months, I have had lots of blood work done, EKGs, an echo this past year, even a CAT scan of my brain within the last month, and I have been perfectly healthy. It's just got to be muscular with a touch of acid reflux from the internal stress. That's what I am hoping for I did have a pain in the back of my neck with all this, but that is gone and I have some lingering tension there. Gee, listen to me, I am analyzing everything! Oh, how could my husband have done that to me?
He just doesn't think. He wants a situtation resolved that won't
ever be. So, I have been stressed about my grandfather, the
prospect of losing him soon, and now my MIL . . . so, my body is
playing tricks on me. I hope. Sorry, I am a little frightened with the , "Now what is wrong with me?" syndrome that accompanies all this mess, and afraid I am going to be confronted this weekend. I am out of my comfort zone, and I don't like being here.
I guess I would be reassured if any of you have had similar symptoms, and if you have any advice to get through this weekend that would be great.
Thanks for listening. I'm sorry for the venting. I know this sounded choppy and I am sorry.
My mind is everywhere right now. Hugs to all of you! Wiskers ~
Oh, now what?
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Guest
Hello wiskers,
I could have written your post!! I had exactly the same symptoms yesterday...I too am under alot of stress. Yesterday, I had the chest pain, short of breath, then I started feeling like I had jaw pain (I have TMJ too) and then the dizziness hit and that hits me like nothing else. I am 32 and was convinced I was habing a heart attack (my mother died suddenlyt 52 of one) I went back through my day and realized all of these symptoms were a culmination of the stressors that I was ALLOWING to bother me and interfere with my day. Not to mention the derealization and feeling unreal for the rest of the day...gotta love that one!! You are just under stress and I would bet that after your MIL's visit is done, your symptoms will go with her. Do your best to try to stay positive this weekend and you will get through it. Try to plan a positive thing as a reward for getting through this weekend. GOod luck and let us know how you make out!
I could have written your post!! I had exactly the same symptoms yesterday...I too am under alot of stress. Yesterday, I had the chest pain, short of breath, then I started feeling like I had jaw pain (I have TMJ too) and then the dizziness hit and that hits me like nothing else. I am 32 and was convinced I was habing a heart attack (my mother died suddenlyt 52 of one) I went back through my day and realized all of these symptoms were a culmination of the stressors that I was ALLOWING to bother me and interfere with my day. Not to mention the derealization and feeling unreal for the rest of the day...gotta love that one!! You are just under stress and I would bet that after your MIL's visit is done, your symptoms will go with her. Do your best to try to stay positive this weekend and you will get through it. Try to plan a positive thing as a reward for getting through this weekend. GOod luck and let us know how you make out!
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Guest
I am sorry to hear that you lost your GM and now your GP is ill. I know it is difficult to deal with all that, including your MIL.
I used to have to take klonopin like PEZ candy when my MIL came over for a visit. She is very domineering, critical and boast about HER accomplishments. I would get SOOOO worked up, nauseated, shaking and just wanted her NOT to come over. Like you I would have physical symptoms when she was due to arrive so bad that I also was taking an anti nausea pills and felt I needed to hide from her. At times I would hide upstairs when they arrived to work up enough courage and energy to deal with her. But that was my reaction to her. That was my perception. Why did I allow her to have so much over me?
My husband says that she affected all women in his life (as well as my sister inlaws) in a negative manner as well, so I KNEW it was just not me.
Anyhow, I have given up trying to live up to my MIL expectations. She does not run my life NOW nor will I allow her to dictate it. My husband does not like conflict and will never say anything to his mother. I on the other hand just will not tolerate feeling like she is bullying me and being treated that way anymore. I am a person that had done nothing wrong to her and I will not tolerate her treating me like trash.
Back at the end of May I called her to tell her that my step daughter (ie:SD) her granddaughter was coming to town. Now my SD stays at college year round, so this visit is rare. Step daughter comes up here 1-2 times per year because she attends a college that is 7 hours away by car and she also has a job. I figured telling her ahead of time she would be able to take off from her job. (Mind you she is 70 years old and NO she does not need the money, she works because she LIKES the attention the community, aldermen and mayor give her) Anyhow, she just did not listen because I called her about 3 weeks later because we were going to pick her and dad up for lunch the following week. (FIL has alzheimers and cannot drive anymore) She asked about my SD coming to town, so I told her again SD would be in town Thursday and leaving our house Friday to go to her moms, that we would pick SD at the train depot at 9am Thursday and come by their house right after. She said that she had to work (8am- 12pm)and that she has a Kiwanis meeting and luncheon after work (12:00pm - about 3pm). Then she said that WE could go with her to the luncheon and meeting
, then she would get theatre tickets and afterwards we could do dinner with them. Glad SHE once again planned what WE were going to do! Also WHAT are we going to do sitting at HER Kiwanis meeting? We can't visit with one another as she will be up there making her special presentations and talking, we would have to be silent! My SD, husband and I want to visit with her (and dad) not sit in some meeting for a couple hours. Anyhow, MIL was told SD was coming in WAYYY in advance, you would think she would take a day off from work because really, they do not need the money and plus I cannot even remember when the last time she saw her granddaughter. She is always busy with her community things to stop and do something with family unless of course it is on HER terms. FORGET IT! 
My husband said we are not sitting there for 2-3 hours for a meeting and luncheon while we are silently sitting there unable to visit and catch up. We have seen my SD twice this year, once it was for 3 days and the other was for about 5 hours and she brought her boyfriend and friends with to our house for a BBQ. My MIL always tried to make things HER way. She used to do this with my SD birthdays. MIL used to call up and ask what are we doing, so I would tell her. Then she of course did not care for what we were doing and would INSIST on coming over, bringing a cake, going out to eat where SHE wanted, etc so I am not sure why she even asked because what I had planned was not up to her par. One year I got SOOOO ticked, left the house and had my husband deal with his mom. I missed my SD birthday with them, but I could not even look at the woman because how does someone have the gall to just do what she did? I allowed it tough. Actually I felt it was my husbands responsibility to shield me from her, but he never will. Regardless of what my husband will or will not do, I do not ALLOW her to run my life, my family anymore. Forget it. I rather her be pissed at me than for me to feel like crap about myself for not standing up for myself or be upset because my husband did not do what I thought he should do. Sure I thought my husband SHOULD do something! That was MY expectation of my husband. I need to be my own person and stick up for me. He knows how his mom is and over the years has condition himself to tune her out and expects me to be like him. Sorry I can't. She shows a lack of respect for us (and others). I am NOT a doormat! Like I said my husband will not go toe to toe with her because he does not like conflict or telling her no. I am tired of him not saying anything and sticking up for us (me) so heck, I am going to do it. I no longer take klonopin when she visits, I do not hide, I do not need time to recover from her visits and she has yet to razz me. I can tell she does not like ME telling NO, but it is MY family. I am tired of her telling is what we will do.
She used to mail an invitation AND call us EVERY single holiday to invite us for dinner. Now I have a family too, my mom, sister, her husband, my uncle and his wife and kid & my grandmother. My husband and I decided after the first year that we would need to divide the holidays between both families. So his mom got Easter and Christmas Eve. Then she also threw in New Years Day dinner. (to me stupid because we just saw everyone the week before and we live 30+ miles away.) My family got Christmas Day and Thanksgiving. At first my MIL would send an invite for all holidays, even those we told her we were spending with my family. I would call to decline and she would ask why. Once again I told her that it was my familys "turn". She seemed not pleased, but too bad! Well she did that year after year and I just got sick of calling to decline, so SHE would call me and I would tell her it was MY family's turn. Again she was not pleased (her tone and speech gave it away) Oh well! Last year was THE first year I did not get a follow up phone call. I think it finally sunk in that I was NOT going to budge. She has stated to me on several other occasions that she "loved" to have family together. I am not sure why because none of the boys state that mom was this terrific person, but more cold and Corporal like. There is not this warm, loving family feeling. It is ALL about appearances.
I was diagnosed with a disease a couple years back. She had called and asked me how I was and what was happening. I told her. Well we saw them a few weeks later and she said she did not even know I had a disease. This was at a choir concert my FIL was performing in. Well a few months later we saw the in laws again. She asked how I was. I assumed she was asking about the medication and tests. Nope, she AGAIN said I did not even know I had a disease. SHE NEVER LISTENS. She acts like she is listening, but she is not. She will boast about her accolades in the community, mayor this, alderman that, I know this business owner, I know this person that has clout, etc. She even copies her awards and mails then to us! No doubt about it, she is self centered. I asked my husband why bother even talking to her because she is NOT listening to anything that is said, she is just ready to interrupt and interject important people she rubbed elbows with, awards she has received, what she has done at church, the community, CAPS (citizen policing), Children Memorial Hospital, etc...she does everything for everyone else, but does not even give a second to really listen to what her family has to say. She leaves my FIL that has alzheimers at home while she gallivantes around town making a "name" for herself. She even has him walking and taking the bus alone at times which is NOT a smart thing. She cannot even see that her husband NEEDS her. She is on her own mission regardless of what seems to be happening around her. I do not trust her in properly taking care of my FIL if and when he will need constant care because she is so self absorbed in doing her own thing to see that FIL NEEDS her help. She does not listen to him either.
My inlaws were in a car accident earlier this year. As I said my FIL has alzheimers. My opinion is that he NEVER should have been driving in the first place. He forgot how the road went and drove up a sloped concrete road divider that had plants and shrubs in it. Well THANKFULLY no one was injured, just rattled and the car was not totaled, at that point. The car was stuck though so a tow truck that came to get it off the road divider and the car accidentally flipped. The entire roof was crushed, the windows all blew out, one side of the car was crumpled inward and the frame was bent so the car was "totaled" by the insurance company. In any case, my FIL said he did not want to drive again. Well MIL had hip replacement (unrelated to the accident)and had told us in the hospital that dad was getting a new car. That differed from what FIL said on the phone after the accident with my MIL in the kitchen giving her commentary, so I KNOW she heard my FIL. Later after visiting MIL in the hospital, we went to visit FIL. We asked him about a new car and he crossed his arms over his chest, shook his head NO and said "I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER CAR, I CANNOT DRIVE ANYMORE!" My bro-inlaw was there and said "OH YEAH DAD WILL DRIVE AGAIN, LOOK AT ALL THE CARS I FOUND ON THE INTERNET FOR HIM TO LOOK AT." My FIL shook his head NO again and said "I DO NOT WANT A CAR, I CANNOT DRIVE ANYMORE." in more of an stern tone. My bro in-law kept pushing. I finally told bro in-law to leave him be because FIL did not want to drive. The man says he is hanging his car keys up, so what do you not understand about that? About a month later, MIL was home from rehab hospital for her hip replacement. On one of our phone calls to check on them, she said that dad is getting another car. My husband looked at me puzzled. (we have speakerphone) I spoke up and told her that dad told us that he did not want a car, that he did not want to drive and asked her if dad changed his mind because he was pretty confident that he did not want to drive even again. She somewhat fumbled with her speech and just barked back that "THIS IS NEWS TO ME, BECAUSE DAD DID NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH ME!" (I pissed her off, opps! But dad DID tell her, she just was NOT listening!) Well she HATES driving in Chicago because the traffic stinks and the people that drive at times are idiots. I hate city driving. I will do it, but hate sitting in traffic. To me it is a waste of time. Anyhow, MIL used to be able to drive, but cannot handle the stress of driving in the city. My MIL said she purposely let her drivers license lapse (this was 10 years ago) because she no longer wanted to drive, but NOW she was going to force my FIL to drive? Ah, NO! 
My FIL is a soft spoken, quiet man. He cannot even remember if he took his pills and she has to leave notes all over the house to remind him to do things and she wanted him to drive again? Even my FIL's brother and his wife were concerned over this. So what are my inlaws doing now? Thus far, Chicago has graciously provided senior citizens with FREE public transportation rides on the CTA system, so THAT is how they get around. Also if we are going to a family get together, we pick them up and take them home.
We attended a graduation party. Well we asked my inlaws how they were getting there. She said that one relative lived only a few blocks away and he would pick them up. We asked if she called and asked the relative and she said not yet. Well she assumed much because that relative was NOT invited to the graduation. (Heck you can only invite so many people with the cost of things today! So it was only immediate family) We only found out because my husband called his cousin and asked if we could bring anything to the party in which they mentioned that my MIL called saying they were unable to come because they had no ride. Well MIL never called us to let us know her assumed ride was not even invited. We picked them up. At the party, the kids had their music on with the occasional old country music. Well my MIL was simply irritated with the music and TOLD us that after we have dinner and cake we were leaving because she hates the music. Now this is on a 5 acre park, she could move somewhere else. We do not get to see these people often and here she is telling us that we were going to leave because she hates the music. I thought GET OVER IT! When the kids are over at YOUR house they are subjected to listening to classical the ENTIRE time. I also heard her boast about herself through lunch at our house and the ride up here, but I "tuned" it out! My husband and I said not a word and we stayed a bit longer, but could not stay too late because it was 1.5 hours to get them home and then 2 hours to get us home. I could understand if she or FIL felt ill, SURE we would get them home, but music? PLEASE! They did insist on us taking gas money, which we did not want, but they left it in the car anyhow.
I also was speechless at Christmas. She asked my husband if he remembered someone. My husband said no. MIL went to explain who this person is and she quickly added that my husband SHOULD know this person. Well hubby said he does not remember who this person is. She then said in front of the ENTIRE family that my husband was "NOT GERMAN ENOUGH!" 
What is that? SHE is not even German, nor is my FIL! She is Hungarian and FIL is Romanian. My husband and I looked an one another, the other family just got quiet and looked at one another. No one knew WHAT to say after something like that. WOW! Glad my mom was born in Germany and was a German citizen until the mid 1960 when she became a US citizen. Maybe I am German enough? At least my mom is more German that she will ever be! But that comment really disconnected my husband even further from his mother. HOW can a mother even say something like that? What has she thinking? The problem is she was not , and THAT usually is the case .
Anyhow I have learned how to manage my interactions with my MIL. I know how she is and need to adapt in dealing with her. Most stuff I just write off because I KNOW how she is and cannot change that. Why get upset? It is not worth my health nor does what she does faze her. She is not even aware of how she affects people. No sense in telling her. People have gotten up, excused themselves and not returned to where she sits. Somethings she just goes on and on about and I just ignore her because it really has nothing to do with me or my family, but when she is trying to control me and my family, THAT is where I draw the line and put her back on the other side of that line. What is the worst she is going to do to me, be angry? I rather have her be angry with me or even hate me than me feel miserable about myself for not standing up for myself and my family or be upset that I did not speak up. This is how I have learned to manage my interactions with someone that is very controlling, pushy, someone that is NOT considerate of others, that is self centered and someone that HAS to have THIER way. When she pushes me, I push back. I will NOT allow her to walk all over me. My husband allows it, that is HIS problems. I will NOT tolerate it. After that she is usually baffled because no one ever tells her no. I have tolerated her treatment of my family and I for too long. I call the shots for my family and yes I will speak up for my FIL because with her he has NO voice. There is NO reason to be afraid of people like this. I will NEVER allow her EVER again to get to me that I feel sick, sad, defeated, negative about myself...NEVER! She will NEVER have that control over me ever again. I know my perception of having to be perfect to her and the need to impress, please and be accepted by my MIL was important to me, but my husband said that NO ONE will ever fit into her expectations nor would anyone be good enough in her eyes. I see it now and have moved myself into a healthier place in my relationship with her. I do not hate her by any means, she never ceases to amaze me with her self centered actions and thinking. I know I will never fit her expectations or image and I accept that. It is what it is. I love my husband and he loves me, THAT is what is important here. I do not live with her nor do I breather to live up to her expectations. I am cordial with her, but have also accepted that we will never have that "warm and fuzzy" close relationship that I know some people have with their MIL or DIL's. I accepted that and that also has helped me move on. My MIL could put me on a chopping block ( and has) 100's of times over now and I really could care less what she thinks about me or what she says. She has said some really nasty things about my SIL. We were driving from Michigan several years back and she said her oldest son "should have never married a woman that had 2 kids from a previous marriage, that he was taking someone elses "baggage"." Well I stated "If that were true, then HER son, the man I married I probably should not have married because not only did he have a daughter, but he never married his daughters mother, he married someone else so this was REALLY bad." I added, "Plus I came with no ex-husbands, no kids or ex boyfriends attached, I did not have child support to pay, that her son did not have to deal with my ex's calling and harassing him or me like I did with his daughters mother, the court costs, the fact that we could not afford to have a child because her son was paying out BIG bucks for child support every other week, etc, etc." (I got sick of her putting everyone down! I hoped by saying these things that would get her to maybe THINK before she spouts off crap because her perfect kids really were not so "perfect!", nor was the crap I was dealing her granddaughters mother a walk in the park, just like her other son and his 2 step kids in which the father of his step kids pretty much walked away, so even though her son was supporting HER kids, he married her knowing the kids came as a package deal and that her son had peace and quiet from the kids father because there were no court dates, no court costs, etc.) In fact my MIL's 2 other boys walked their 8 month old pregnant brides down the isle. So, so much for the perfect God following community activist good-doer person that finds fault in everyone else and their lives. 
Well she did not know WHAT to say! The other truth is that besides my husband, her one son is an alcoholic, the other one seems to be unwilling to get a regular job with benefits (he seems to rather like making his own work hours and enjoys sleeping late in the morning) but she sure can find fault in everyone else. I guess finding fault in others eases her critic and make her feel better about her situation and family. It is like she is saying that she is not that bad because look at all those other people that are SOOO messed up. (or that she did not mess up THAT bad as a parent) She did not mess up as a parent, the kids were grown ADULTS and made their own decisions. That too is what it is, she has no responsibility to their actions! They were ADULTS!
Let whatever antics your MIL uses roll like water off a ducks back. I know I will not win with my MIL, but that is not the point. I just need to win for myself! By letting most of what she does and says not get to me, I am a winner for me. No fear! No symptoms! I say what I mean and mean what I say with her and that is the way I need to be with her, she understand NO other way as I have tried other methods. Being nice did not work because she would just roll over me like a tank. I can't ignore because she just incessantly will call. I need to face her head on with some situations. Yes it takes a lot of guts the first time you stand up for yourself, but it does get easier. Remember you ARE in control of this, NOT your MIL! She is a part of your life and a guest in YOUR home. She is NOT your life nor part of your daily home life. Do not give her power over you, there is no need to have a person make you feel scared and ill. She is NO better than you, I or anyone else. Also do not expect your husband to do your bidding. As hard as it may be for you right now, I can tell you that even when I need to put my foot down with my MIL and stop her from telling me how we are going to do things, I feel stronger and in control and she seems to be less insistent or pushy, she will drop things much quicker than before. Before she would call constantly asking the SAME thing until I gave in to what SHE wanted. Nope, no more!
I used to have to take klonopin like PEZ candy when my MIL came over for a visit. She is very domineering, critical and boast about HER accomplishments. I would get SOOOO worked up, nauseated, shaking and just wanted her NOT to come over. Like you I would have physical symptoms when she was due to arrive so bad that I also was taking an anti nausea pills and felt I needed to hide from her. At times I would hide upstairs when they arrived to work up enough courage and energy to deal with her. But that was my reaction to her. That was my perception. Why did I allow her to have so much over me?
My husband says that she affected all women in his life (as well as my sister inlaws) in a negative manner as well, so I KNEW it was just not me.
Anyhow, I have given up trying to live up to my MIL expectations. She does not run my life NOW nor will I allow her to dictate it. My husband does not like conflict and will never say anything to his mother. I on the other hand just will not tolerate feeling like she is bullying me and being treated that way anymore. I am a person that had done nothing wrong to her and I will not tolerate her treating me like trash.
Back at the end of May I called her to tell her that my step daughter (ie:SD) her granddaughter was coming to town. Now my SD stays at college year round, so this visit is rare. Step daughter comes up here 1-2 times per year because she attends a college that is 7 hours away by car and she also has a job. I figured telling her ahead of time she would be able to take off from her job. (Mind you she is 70 years old and NO she does not need the money, she works because she LIKES the attention the community, aldermen and mayor give her) Anyhow, she just did not listen because I called her about 3 weeks later because we were going to pick her and dad up for lunch the following week. (FIL has alzheimers and cannot drive anymore) She asked about my SD coming to town, so I told her again SD would be in town Thursday and leaving our house Friday to go to her moms, that we would pick SD at the train depot at 9am Thursday and come by their house right after. She said that she had to work (8am- 12pm)and that she has a Kiwanis meeting and luncheon after work (12:00pm - about 3pm). Then she said that WE could go with her to the luncheon and meeting
, then she would get theatre tickets and afterwards we could do dinner with them. Glad SHE once again planned what WE were going to do! Also WHAT are we going to do sitting at HER Kiwanis meeting? We can't visit with one another as she will be up there making her special presentations and talking, we would have to be silent! My SD, husband and I want to visit with her (and dad) not sit in some meeting for a couple hours. Anyhow, MIL was told SD was coming in WAYYY in advance, you would think she would take a day off from work because really, they do not need the money and plus I cannot even remember when the last time she saw her granddaughter. She is always busy with her community things to stop and do something with family unless of course it is on HER terms. FORGET IT! My husband said we are not sitting there for 2-3 hours for a meeting and luncheon while we are silently sitting there unable to visit and catch up. We have seen my SD twice this year, once it was for 3 days and the other was for about 5 hours and she brought her boyfriend and friends with to our house for a BBQ. My MIL always tried to make things HER way. She used to do this with my SD birthdays. MIL used to call up and ask what are we doing, so I would tell her. Then she of course did not care for what we were doing and would INSIST on coming over, bringing a cake, going out to eat where SHE wanted, etc so I am not sure why she even asked because what I had planned was not up to her par. One year I got SOOOO ticked, left the house and had my husband deal with his mom. I missed my SD birthday with them, but I could not even look at the woman because how does someone have the gall to just do what she did? I allowed it tough. Actually I felt it was my husbands responsibility to shield me from her, but he never will. Regardless of what my husband will or will not do, I do not ALLOW her to run my life, my family anymore. Forget it. I rather her be pissed at me than for me to feel like crap about myself for not standing up for myself or be upset because my husband did not do what I thought he should do. Sure I thought my husband SHOULD do something! That was MY expectation of my husband. I need to be my own person and stick up for me. He knows how his mom is and over the years has condition himself to tune her out and expects me to be like him. Sorry I can't. She shows a lack of respect for us (and others). I am NOT a doormat! Like I said my husband will not go toe to toe with her because he does not like conflict or telling her no. I am tired of him not saying anything and sticking up for us (me) so heck, I am going to do it. I no longer take klonopin when she visits, I do not hide, I do not need time to recover from her visits and she has yet to razz me. I can tell she does not like ME telling NO, but it is MY family. I am tired of her telling is what we will do. She used to mail an invitation AND call us EVERY single holiday to invite us for dinner. Now I have a family too, my mom, sister, her husband, my uncle and his wife and kid & my grandmother. My husband and I decided after the first year that we would need to divide the holidays between both families. So his mom got Easter and Christmas Eve. Then she also threw in New Years Day dinner. (to me stupid because we just saw everyone the week before and we live 30+ miles away.) My family got Christmas Day and Thanksgiving. At first my MIL would send an invite for all holidays, even those we told her we were spending with my family. I would call to decline and she would ask why. Once again I told her that it was my familys "turn". She seemed not pleased, but too bad! Well she did that year after year and I just got sick of calling to decline, so SHE would call me and I would tell her it was MY family's turn. Again she was not pleased (her tone and speech gave it away) Oh well! Last year was THE first year I did not get a follow up phone call. I think it finally sunk in that I was NOT going to budge. She has stated to me on several other occasions that she "loved" to have family together. I am not sure why because none of the boys state that mom was this terrific person, but more cold and Corporal like. There is not this warm, loving family feeling. It is ALL about appearances.
I was diagnosed with a disease a couple years back. She had called and asked me how I was and what was happening. I told her. Well we saw them a few weeks later and she said she did not even know I had a disease. This was at a choir concert my FIL was performing in. Well a few months later we saw the in laws again. She asked how I was. I assumed she was asking about the medication and tests. Nope, she AGAIN said I did not even know I had a disease. SHE NEVER LISTENS. She acts like she is listening, but she is not. She will boast about her accolades in the community, mayor this, alderman that, I know this business owner, I know this person that has clout, etc. She even copies her awards and mails then to us! No doubt about it, she is self centered. I asked my husband why bother even talking to her because she is NOT listening to anything that is said, she is just ready to interrupt and interject important people she rubbed elbows with, awards she has received, what she has done at church, the community, CAPS (citizen policing), Children Memorial Hospital, etc...she does everything for everyone else, but does not even give a second to really listen to what her family has to say. She leaves my FIL that has alzheimers at home while she gallivantes around town making a "name" for herself. She even has him walking and taking the bus alone at times which is NOT a smart thing. She cannot even see that her husband NEEDS her. She is on her own mission regardless of what seems to be happening around her. I do not trust her in properly taking care of my FIL if and when he will need constant care because she is so self absorbed in doing her own thing to see that FIL NEEDS her help. She does not listen to him either.
My inlaws were in a car accident earlier this year. As I said my FIL has alzheimers. My opinion is that he NEVER should have been driving in the first place. He forgot how the road went and drove up a sloped concrete road divider that had plants and shrubs in it. Well THANKFULLY no one was injured, just rattled and the car was not totaled, at that point. The car was stuck though so a tow truck that came to get it off the road divider and the car accidentally flipped. The entire roof was crushed, the windows all blew out, one side of the car was crumpled inward and the frame was bent so the car was "totaled" by the insurance company. In any case, my FIL said he did not want to drive again. Well MIL had hip replacement (unrelated to the accident)and had told us in the hospital that dad was getting a new car. That differed from what FIL said on the phone after the accident with my MIL in the kitchen giving her commentary, so I KNOW she heard my FIL. Later after visiting MIL in the hospital, we went to visit FIL. We asked him about a new car and he crossed his arms over his chest, shook his head NO and said "I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER CAR, I CANNOT DRIVE ANYMORE!" My bro-inlaw was there and said "OH YEAH DAD WILL DRIVE AGAIN, LOOK AT ALL THE CARS I FOUND ON THE INTERNET FOR HIM TO LOOK AT." My FIL shook his head NO again and said "I DO NOT WANT A CAR, I CANNOT DRIVE ANYMORE." in more of an stern tone. My bro in-law kept pushing. I finally told bro in-law to leave him be because FIL did not want to drive. The man says he is hanging his car keys up, so what do you not understand about that? About a month later, MIL was home from rehab hospital for her hip replacement. On one of our phone calls to check on them, she said that dad is getting another car. My husband looked at me puzzled. (we have speakerphone) I spoke up and told her that dad told us that he did not want a car, that he did not want to drive and asked her if dad changed his mind because he was pretty confident that he did not want to drive even again. She somewhat fumbled with her speech and just barked back that "THIS IS NEWS TO ME, BECAUSE DAD DID NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH ME!" (I pissed her off, opps! But dad DID tell her, she just was NOT listening!) Well she HATES driving in Chicago because the traffic stinks and the people that drive at times are idiots. I hate city driving. I will do it, but hate sitting in traffic. To me it is a waste of time. Anyhow, MIL used to be able to drive, but cannot handle the stress of driving in the city. My MIL said she purposely let her drivers license lapse (this was 10 years ago) because she no longer wanted to drive, but NOW she was going to force my FIL to drive?
Ah, NO! My FIL is a soft spoken, quiet man. He cannot even remember if he took his pills and she has to leave notes all over the house to remind him to do things and she wanted him to drive again? Even my FIL's brother and his wife were concerned over this. So what are my inlaws doing now? Thus far, Chicago has graciously provided senior citizens with FREE public transportation rides on the CTA system, so THAT is how they get around. Also if we are going to a family get together, we pick them up and take them home.We attended a graduation party. Well we asked my inlaws how they were getting there. She said that one relative lived only a few blocks away and he would pick them up. We asked if she called and asked the relative and she said not yet. Well she assumed much because that relative was NOT invited to the graduation. (Heck you can only invite so many people with the cost of things today! So it was only immediate family) We only found out because my husband called his cousin and asked if we could bring anything to the party in which they mentioned that my MIL called saying they were unable to come because they had no ride. Well MIL never called us to let us know her assumed ride was not even invited. We picked them up. At the party, the kids had their music on with the occasional old country music. Well my MIL was simply irritated with the music and TOLD us that after we have dinner and cake we were leaving because she hates the music. Now this is on a 5 acre park, she could move somewhere else. We do not get to see these people often and here she is telling us that we were going to leave because she hates the music. I thought GET OVER IT! When the kids are over at YOUR house they are subjected to listening to classical the ENTIRE time. I also heard her boast about herself through lunch at our house and the ride up here, but I "tuned" it out! My husband and I said not a word and we stayed a bit longer, but could not stay too late because it was 1.5 hours to get them home and then 2 hours to get us home. I could understand if she or FIL felt ill, SURE we would get them home, but music? PLEASE! They did insist on us taking gas money, which we did not want, but they left it in the car anyhow.
I also was speechless at Christmas. She asked my husband if he remembered someone. My husband said no. MIL went to explain who this person is and she quickly added that my husband SHOULD know this person. Well hubby said he does not remember who this person is. She then said in front of the ENTIRE family that my husband was "NOT GERMAN ENOUGH!"
What is that? SHE is not even German, nor is my FIL! She is Hungarian and FIL is Romanian. My husband and I looked an one another, the other family just got quiet and looked at one another. No one knew WHAT to say after something like that. WOW! Glad my mom was born in Germany and was a German citizen until the mid 1960 when she became a US citizen. Maybe I am German enough? At least my mom is more German that she will ever be! But that comment really disconnected my husband even further from his mother. HOW can a mother even say something like that? What has she thinking? The problem is she was not , and THAT usually is the case . Anyhow I have learned how to manage my interactions with my MIL. I know how she is and need to adapt in dealing with her. Most stuff I just write off because I KNOW how she is and cannot change that. Why get upset? It is not worth my health nor does what she does faze her. She is not even aware of how she affects people. No sense in telling her. People have gotten up, excused themselves and not returned to where she sits. Somethings she just goes on and on about and I just ignore her because it really has nothing to do with me or my family, but when she is trying to control me and my family, THAT is where I draw the line and put her back on the other side of that line. What is the worst she is going to do to me, be angry? I rather have her be angry with me or even hate me than me feel miserable about myself for not standing up for myself and my family or be upset that I did not speak up. This is how I have learned to manage my interactions with someone that is very controlling, pushy, someone that is NOT considerate of others, that is self centered and someone that HAS to have THIER way. When she pushes me, I push back. I will NOT allow her to walk all over me. My husband allows it, that is HIS problems. I will NOT tolerate it. After that she is usually baffled because no one ever tells her no. I have tolerated her treatment of my family and I for too long. I call the shots for my family and yes I will speak up for my FIL because with her he has NO voice. There is NO reason to be afraid of people like this. I will NEVER allow her EVER again to get to me that I feel sick, sad, defeated, negative about myself...NEVER! She will NEVER have that control over me ever again. I know my perception of having to be perfect to her and the need to impress, please and be accepted by my MIL was important to me, but my husband said that NO ONE will ever fit into her expectations nor would anyone be good enough in her eyes. I see it now and have moved myself into a healthier place in my relationship with her. I do not hate her by any means, she never ceases to amaze me with her self centered actions and thinking. I know I will never fit her expectations or image and I accept that. It is what it is. I love my husband and he loves me, THAT is what is important here. I do not live with her nor do I breather to live up to her expectations. I am cordial with her, but have also accepted that we will never have that "warm and fuzzy" close relationship that I know some people have with their MIL or DIL's. I accepted that and that also has helped me move on. My MIL could put me on a chopping block ( and has) 100's of times over now and I really could care less what she thinks about me or what she says. She has said some really nasty things about my SIL. We were driving from Michigan several years back and she said her oldest son "should have never married a woman that had 2 kids from a previous marriage, that he was taking someone elses "baggage"."
Well I stated "If that were true, then HER son, the man I married I probably should not have married because not only did he have a daughter, but he never married his daughters mother, he married someone else so this was REALLY bad." I added, "Plus I came with no ex-husbands, no kids or ex boyfriends attached, I did not have child support to pay, that her son did not have to deal with my ex's calling and harassing him or me like I did with his daughters mother, the court costs, the fact that we could not afford to have a child because her son was paying out BIG bucks for child support every other week, etc, etc." (I got sick of her putting everyone down! I hoped by saying these things that would get her to maybe THINK before she spouts off crap because her perfect kids really were not so "perfect!", nor was the crap I was dealing her granddaughters mother a walk in the park, just like her other son and his 2 step kids in which the father of his step kids pretty much walked away, so even though her son was supporting HER kids, he married her knowing the kids came as a package deal and that her son had peace and quiet from the kids father because there were no court dates, no court costs, etc.) In fact my MIL's 2 other boys walked their 8 month old pregnant brides down the isle. So, so much for the perfect God following community activist good-doer person that finds fault in everyone else and their lives. Well she did not know WHAT to say! The other truth is that besides my husband, her one son is an alcoholic, the other one seems to be unwilling to get a regular job with benefits (he seems to rather like making his own work hours and enjoys sleeping late in the morning) but she sure can find fault in everyone else. I guess finding fault in others eases her critic and make her feel better about her situation and family. It is like she is saying that she is not that bad because look at all those other people that are SOOO messed up. (or that she did not mess up THAT bad as a parent) She did not mess up as a parent, the kids were grown ADULTS and made their own decisions. That too is what it is, she has no responsibility to their actions! They were ADULTS! Let whatever antics your MIL uses roll like water off a ducks back. I know I will not win with my MIL, but that is not the point. I just need to win for myself! By letting most of what she does and says not get to me, I am a winner for me. No fear! No symptoms! I say what I mean and mean what I say with her and that is the way I need to be with her, she understand NO other way as I have tried other methods. Being nice did not work because she would just roll over me like a tank. I can't ignore because she just incessantly will call. I need to face her head on with some situations. Yes it takes a lot of guts the first time you stand up for yourself, but it does get easier. Remember you ARE in control of this, NOT your MIL! She is a part of your life and a guest in YOUR home. She is NOT your life nor part of your daily home life. Do not give her power over you, there is no need to have a person make you feel scared and ill. She is NO better than you, I or anyone else. Also do not expect your husband to do your bidding. As hard as it may be for you right now, I can tell you that even when I need to put my foot down with my MIL and stop her from telling me how we are going to do things, I feel stronger and in control and she seems to be less insistent or pushy, she will drop things much quicker than before. Before she would call constantly asking the SAME thing until I gave in to what SHE wanted. Nope, no more!