Am I expecting too much from myself?

Rhasslariel · Post by **Rhasslariel** » Mon May 26, 2008 11:37 am

Its not that I don't feel okay. I do. I definitely feel better than before I starting the program. But I still wish I had more energy. I do things, a lot of things. But a lot of times I feel its an effort. That I should be doing things much quicker, getting things done faster. And it takes me a while to get going in the morning. I'm not that old, I'm 45. My best friend's mother is almost 72 and she hits the ground running in the morning, and spends the rest of the day going like her ass is on fire. I think if she were to stop for too long she might explode from the pressure build up. LOL If she can be like this at her age, why can't I be like this now? Yes, she is kind of a nervous person (but doesn't suffer from anxiety like we know it), but still, she puts me, and the rest of her family to shame. She does more in a day than I feel I do in a week. Is it me?

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Tue May 27, 2008 4:00 am

Yes, you are expecting too much. You are still saying, "I'm not good enough", negative self talk which hinders motivation and decreases energy. You say you do things, a lot of things. Do you pat yourself on the back for doing those things [glass is half full] or do you only brow beat yourself for not doing enough [glass is half empty]?

aleisa123 · Post by **aleisa123** » Wed May 28, 2008 5:16 pm

I once read somewhere that we can't compare ourselves to others because their journey is not like ours. I know it's easier said than done, but try to remind yourself of that. And remember what Lucinda says, if there are things in your life that you would like to change and they are your goals then think of ways you can immplement them. I still struggle with the whole self acceptance thing and remembering not to judge myself. Good luck!!

pennywhistle · Post by **pennywhistle** » Wed May 28, 2008 5:57 pm

Hi rhasslariel,
I like that she's "going like her ass is on fire". Never heard that one! I like it!

With me, being 50 pounds overweight and not exercising makes me feel crappy and I have very little energy. Sorry for being too personal, but are you overweight? What do you eat?

I'm in the same boat as you. I have little energy. About 4 days out of a week I take naps. Depression certainly causes fatigue and low energy, don't get me wrong, it's not your fault, but I've noticed that when I'm feeling up to it and I can go for a long walk or bike ride, it helps with the depression a little.

I agree with what Don57 said. You are being too hard on yourself. Do what you can do at your own pace.

Rhasslariel · Post by **Rhasslariel** » Thu May 29, 2008 1:40 am

Do you pat yourself on the back for doing those things [glass is half full] or do you only brow beat yourself for not doing enough [glass is half empty]?

I depends. If I can notice things getting done, then I'll pat myself on the back. Like this weekend, instead of making a 'to do ' list, which would inevitably contain things I didn't get to, I waited until the end of the weekend and made a 'done' list of the things I actually accomplished. There was more on the list than I realized. But then there are those time when for instance; If I'm cleaning a very cluttered room, I can be working in there all day, feel like I've done a lot and have many garbage bags to show for it, but when I look around the room, it looks like I didn't even make a dent. At those times my half full glass feels like it sprung a leak. The thing is, there are times when I have loads of energy, even though I'm thinking all the same things, or dealing with all the same problems. That makes the times without energy all the more noticeable. I can feel very depressed, but get a lot done, or not feel particularly bad, and not seem to be able to move my butt. Its very frustrating.

Sorry for being too personal, but are you overweight? What do you eat?

That's okay, I don't mind. Yes, I am a little overweight. I don't really eat a whole lot though, and most of what I eat are veggies, cereals, a little meat, some low fat dairy, etc. I eat a little more meat these days than I used to (but then I used to be a vegetarian too) but not a tremendous amount. Usually just the recommended 4oz. in a day. Most of my weight gain seems to have occurred in the past year or two. Getting married I think has something to do with it. I used to come home from work and go straight out into the yard, after feeding all my animals that is, and work until the sun went down (or a favorite TV show came on. LOL). But now some nights I don't get out there at all, only because that's usually the only time I have to spend with my husband. I don't like being overweight. It worries me and I can't stand to look at my body in the mirror. Even though my husband thinks I'm beautiful and thinks what's inside is more important than the outside. And my best friends think the same way. It is a source of bad feelings for me. I'm no where near as overweight as so many people I see who all have high opinions of themselves (or at least seem to on the surface), so I shouldn't feel as bad as I do. I am short, so any weight shows up on me more than it would a taller person, that doesn't help. I am strong, I surprise people with what I can lift, push or pull when I'm feeling good especially. I just know what I have been capable of in the past, and when I can't do the same now, it bothers me. I not only tend to compare myself with others, but also with past self. That is maybe even more depressing.

~*schnauzermom*~ · Post by **~*schnauzermom*~** » Thu May 29, 2008 5:33 am

that's usually the only time I have to spend with my husband.

I know what you mean! My husband gets home at 6:30-7pm, we eat dinner and he hits the sack at 9-9:30 because he needs to get up at 4am to commute to work. He also has things to do around here like his bills, mowing the lawn, fish tank duty, prep his breakfast (he sets his pans, knives, etc up) so his nights go fast. He lets me sleep until he leaves, so I thank him SO much for that!

What we did was buy a treadmill, eliptical machine, bow-flex, tv and DVD player and put them all in one room. We can exercise, talk and watch TV all at the same time. When it is nice out, we take the dogs on walks too.

Maybe you are not getting enough carbs? Veggies are pretty low in carbs. I too eat lots of veggies, little meat and cannot eat wheat or gluten. Brown rice and oats are in my diet to supply them.

Also, have you had your thyroid, adrenals checked? I was unable to lose weight, felt moapy and tired last spring and summer only to be diagnosed with thyroid issues and adrenal fatigue. I am on med and that has helped a great deal.

Also we cannot compare what we did (past) to what it is now. I used to fit in a size 10 jean. Not bad for me, I am 5'7"! I used to be able to eat pizza, burgers, cakes...NOT no more! I am working on getting back into that size 10 jean, but I know it will be patience, time and work. I know I will never be able to eat pizza, burgers and cakes the traditional way (with wheat flour, white flour, sugar, etc)...and if I do I PAY for it because I get sick. I used to be able to leg press 400 lbs, now I am lucky to just do 300 lbs. I MAY be able to work back to 400, I do not know nor can I focus on what I can't do. I just need to try to do what I can, put a real effort into it and know I DID put everything I had into it.

I also know that some things that used to be important or motivate me no longer do. My house USED to have to be immaculate, no if, ands or buts, it just HAD to be perfect. Now I see that my studies in college, family and friends take a front seat to my home. So what if I hadn't mopped in a month? :p I spot mop when it needs it.

I do not have kids in the house spilling stuff, nor do we wear our shoes in the house, so I do it when I have time. I do things with my Nana, do stuff at church, have friends. I spend time with them which I find more valuable (people) than mopping my floor. Sure if I am not doing anything I mop the floor, but if a friend called me last night and wants to get together in the afternoon, I am gong to see my friend regardless of if I get a chance to get to my floor. My floor will be there tomorrow, no one is going to take it away from me.

I set goals for myself. Like my exercise, I NEED to do 4 miles on the treadmill and 20 minutes on the bowflex. I turn the TV or radio on and just do it. If I need to slow the pace, I do. If not I keep going until I am done. I notice with having the TV on, it really makes the time go by fast. When I clean, I just say I am going to spend 4-8 hours cleaning a week (depends on my school work load). I usually just set aside one day(laundry or errands not included in that time) So I scrub, wipe, dust, straighten, vacuum, sanitize, organize and at the end of that time, I am done REGARDLESS of the chores being completed or not. I have learned not to be a slave to my home or look around and be like well geez I spent all this time and I still did not do X. Y and Z. Nope, not anymore! It just makes me feel down. My house is not immaculate nor is it a mess. I go to school full time and if I just clean, run errands, etc all the time, I do not feel human. I need to spend time with Nana because when I do I see what joy it brings her. I get together with friends to get back to reality, laugh and share with them. Just buzzing around "doing things" and keeping a mental list of what I need to do or was unable to do is not good. We are social and NEED people in our lives. Forget this recluse thing of cleaning and organizing being stuck at home after going to class and doing homework. I need to do something for someone else, I need to laugh with some friends, I need to have a relationship that is beyond my computer, school books, swiffer, or toilet brush. Trust me, moaping around the house when I felt down already did not make me feel any better. I needed a change of scene and routine. Do not get me wrong I love my husband and enjoy spending time with him but I know he needs his time and just having the same routine every evening gets boring. Sometimes we hit the library, walk, go window shopping, run errands together, take the dogs to the dog park, anything to get out of the house. Sometimes I meet friends for lunch or a decaf. I try to get out of doing the same ol, same ol. It is hard when school is in session because I am at my syllabuses mercy, but I try to shake it up even then by studying at the school, public library or the coffee house. I noticed when I fall into what I call the "robot mode" that is when I feel depressed. I can sit in my studio all day long, shuffling things here and there, work on some projects (and I will tell you oil painting DRAGS on because it takes SOOOO long for the paint to dry) and feel like I did not accomplish anything. If I did that everyday, I would be a wreck! (plus I would run out of places for the canvases to cure!) I need to feel alive, so changing the scene and routine, getting together with people, helping people has made me feel more productive and alive.

I have spend enough time in my studio this morning (on site, emails and typing a scholarship letter) so I must change my routine and do my grocery shopping. Oh yeah, my floor still needs to get scrubbed!

MAYBE tomorrow! :p

Mary Wargo · Post by **Mary Wargo** » Thu May 29, 2008 6:44 am

Rhasslariel - I was the queen of comparing myself and what I accomplished to other people and I think I was one of the best at "Why isn't that me?" thinking. It brought my self esteem to an all time low and I decided I did not want to do that to myself anymore. All it does is fuel the victim and self pity feelings. I drastically changed my thoughts to feeling happy for other people for their success and admiring their attributes. If it is something I really admire and would like to aspire to I find out how they are doing what they are doing. If it fits me I try to learn something from them and incorporate it into my life. At the same time I dropped this expectation of myself that just because my neighbor is running around "like her ass is on fire" (your quote-love it!) doesn't mean I have to, or even want to for that matter. Find your way that suits and fits YOU and celebrate your uniqueness.

missy62 · Post by **missy62** » Thu May 29, 2008 6:47 am

What a great dicsussion! thanks for all the sharing and insights. I can totally relate to the "undoing the clutter having garbage bags and looking around and have not made a dent..." Since my fiance' moved in 2 years ago I cannot seem to get rid of all the clutter-the reality is the house is reasonably clean for an old charming farm house, 1 cat 4 dogs 2 goats 6 horses and 8.5 acres! I also have my friends animals here due to her hard times(2 dogs and 3 horses)I get overwhelmed with just the basics let alone trying to figure out a new business, dealing with his kids issues the last 3 years etc. At times I get paralyzed there just seems to be too much!!! I tell myself "light a single candle" and try to praise myself for anything I do-even when I feel really depressed. this last week 3 days have been hard-last night I finally got most of the lawn mowed and a few other things. My chronic anxiety is exhausting(Now I do understand how my analytical way of looking at the world tires me)-why the heck did I not get this from any of my doctors or therapists?-I guess when the pupil is ready the teacher will come rings true. Today is the first day my anxiety feels like energy, not anxiety. I am hoping this is part of the process and I am trying not to beat myself up for exactly what you were talking about-not hitting the ground running. I also have to work hard at ridding of the guilt "I have so much I should feel happier" I am going back to the self talk and going to spend another week on it. I really like the idea of making a list of what you have done not what you should do.
Have a good day!

Sheils75 · Post by **Sheils75** » Thu May 29, 2008 6:57 am

Something to ponder...one of my friends runs around like crazy over the weekends...errands, house cleaning, exercising, etc. etc. etc. I sometimes beat myself up because I'm not as "productive" as she is and I often spend my weekends relaxing and hanging out with my boyfriend (no kids, obviously, or I wouldn't have time to be lazy!). Granted, sometimes I take it to the extreme and blow off some errands or things that I really should be doing, but in the grand scheme of things I'm enjoying time with a loved one after working all week and she has a super clean house. What's more important? We find ways to judge ourselves over and over again, it's a never ending cycle...

Rhasslariel · Post by **Rhasslariel** » Thu May 29, 2008 10:58 am

~*schnauzermom*~

What we did was buy a treadmill, eliptical machine, bow-flex, tv and DVD player and put them all in one room.

I wish I could afford the exercise machines, though right now, even if I could I would have no room to put them. Right now, work is very slow and we wonder week to week if and when we're getting paid. We eventually do, but its always been late the past few months.

Maybe you are not getting enough carbs? Veggies are pretty low in carbs. I too eat lots of veggies, little meat and cannot eat wheat or gluten. Brown rice and oats are in my diet to supply them.

Also, have you had your thyroid, adrenals checked? I was unable to lose weight, felt moapy and tired last spring and summer only to be diagnosed with thyroid issues and adrenal fatigue. I am on med and that has helped a great deal.

I do get carbs, I eat bread and rice and such. And I had a complete physical not too long ago which showed everything normal. The only thing that blood work showed changed was my hormone levels. They showed I was in menopause, which I already knew.
I want the house fixed up, but I've always had a lot of animals so I never expect it to stay clean. I've never worried what anyone else thought about it. My animals have always been a major part of my life and anyone who couldn't deal with that I didn't need to be around. It is a bit frustrating though when I've just cleaned someplace and five minutes later someone comes along and spits up or something, but with animals. that's just the way it is.
My husband is disabled. Not in a wheelchair, but he can't work for physical and psychological reasons. His days/nights sometimes vary. Sometimes he's up all night, going to bed after I leave for work, or sometimes he's up during the day and comes to bed with me or after me at night. So it can be hard to 'plan' anything. I never know what stage he's going to be in unless he knows a few days in advance, and then not always.

Mary Wargo-

I drastically changed my thoughts to feeling happy for other people for their success and admiring their attributes. If it is something I really admire and would like to aspire to I find out how they are doing what they are doing.

I do feel happy for others, but I still envy them too. I do try to use those things about others to inspire myself, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It can be hard when what they're doing, or the way they're doing it just seems to part of their nature, and not something they are consciously aware of. One of my greatest inspirations -Steve Irwin- was one of these people. His energy and passion was boundless. He could make a person feel they could do anything. I never got to meet him in person but corresponded with those at the zoo for many years ( he sent me one of his uniforms, and I have a whole room dedicated to him and Australia Zoo). Losing him didn't help my depression, I can tell you that.

Find your way that suits and fits YOU and celebrate your uniqueness.

I try to. I just remember times when I was younger, and I seemed to have so much more energy. True, I didn't have the responsibilities I have now, my time was more my own. And people tell me "well that's what happens when you get older". But I see people older than me who still have energy, and haven't gained weight etc. I know, I know, I'm not them. But if they didn't change, why did I?

missy62 -

the reality is the house is reasonably clean for an old charming farm house, 1 cat 4 dogs 2 goats 6 horses and 8.5 acres! I also have my friends animals here due to her hard times(2 dogs and 3 horses)I get overwhelmed with just the basics let alone trying to figure out a new business, dealing with his kids issues the last 3 years etc. At times I get paralyzed there just seems to be too much!!!

Boy does this sound like me! Except I don't have kids (my husband is 'kid' enough). And I don't have the acreage or the farm animals ( I wish I did though

). I have 1 dog (Great Dane), 6 inside cats, 8 outside cats, 2 guinea pigs, 1 rat, 1 snake, several snails, 2 tortoises and about 12 other turtles. And I've cut back from what I used to have! LOL
There is a house that gives tours not far from me once a year where the couple has 4 aviaries, big turtle ponds, huge tanks and other things. It takes them 4 hours every morning and 4 hours every night to care for everything. And they both have jobs. I can't even begin to imagine where they get the energy for this.

I also have to work hard at ridding of the guilt "I have so much I should feel happier"

I do this too. I know I have so very much to be happy about and thankful for. A husband who loves me and thinks I'm his reason for living. I own my house, no rent or mortgage even though it needs a lot of work right now I can't afford to do on it. I have my animals. My bills for the time being are all up to date. I have food. I should be happy. I just have to convince myself of that.

Sheils75 -

but in the grand scheme of things I'm enjoying time with a loved one after working all week and she has a super clean house. What's more important? We find ways to judge ourselves over and over again, it's a never ending cycle...

Very true. I guess I have to learn to be more content. Not want to get everything done all at once. It would be nice to see how I am further into this program. When I learn to let things go more.