I wanted to say a few words about my anxiety challenges in my marriage and to see if anyone can relate to this.
Basically, since my anxiety started getting bad around January '08 I increasingly began avoiding situations outside the home. In January, for example, I still was going to restaurants and to the theater, etc. But since then I had suffered panic attacks while out places and learned to start avoiding going there to keep those symptoms off my back.
Things started suffering here at home as a result. My wife has gotten more & more restless with me about my avoidances and has started 'forcing' me to do things I am far from comfortable doing. Out of a feeling of obligation I have managed to push myself out there more with her, but also find I am less apt to want to push out again once I accomplished something. It feels like a problem of "two steps forward & two steps back".
I feel guilt and shame about my affliction. I dread the weekends because then the 'pressure' to perform is there and if I don't do as I 'should' be doing then the friction begins. I understand where she is coming from: She is a person who is a 'devil may care' world traveler-type. I am not that way at all to begin with and with my anxiety even less so. She feels like her husband is not all there for her and it is creating frustration on her part.
I managed to drive to an area of town I hadn't been to in 3 months and felt proud of that until I noticed she was disappointed I didn't go further. That shot me down basically and has started some new angst between us. To her now if I can't do something then I need to take a pill so I can. She is impatient with me now because I 'should be' over this by now. I won't take meds because of the side-effects and because I want to rely on myself to unlearn the bad anxiety habits.
I tried to relate that having anxiety is much like having a broken leg: You wouldn't ask me to go run a 100 yard dash with a broken leg would you? Of course not. So, similarly, with my anxiety why would you ask me to do things I am not ready to do? There seems to be such a stigma attached to anxiety problems and it generates such bad attitudes toward the sufferer. The frustration runs both ways.
So that's my story in a nutshell. Can anyone relate?
Spousal Demands & Anxiety
Your wife seems to be thinking that there's really nothing wrong with you, but there is. She also seems to want to "control" you by making you do things before you feel you're ready. I honestly don't think this works, could be wrong, but I don't think it does. I think SHE IS SHOULDING ON YOU ALL OVER THE PLACE.
She is not supportive but is a hindrance at this point as far as I can see. I wonder if she has serious control issues of her own?
You feel guilt and shame about your affliction. That type of attitude, which is perpetuated by your wife, will KEEP YOU IN ANXIETY/PANIC AND DEPRESSION. She is reinforcing your illness, not helping. She's reinforcing negative thoughts towards yourself.
About the area of town you hadn't been to in 3 months. That is cause for celebration. My advise is try to filter out your wife's thoughts and start loving and accepting yourself unconditionally. Lesson 3 is a hinge lesson. Guilt and shame are not part of recovery. You have to forgive yourself for real or perceived failure, whether the wife does or not, and begin to love and accept yourself for who you are NOW.
All of this is in the program. I'm sorry about the wife, but my advise is to seek to filter out her behavior and speech in order to get better. She can not command anything from you. Recovery, self esteem, feeling good and less anxious, all of this comes from within you, not outside of you, i.e. the wife.
Seek to not be dependent upon her attitides. Seek to detach from her in thought and begin your own dialogue. Seek to not make her expectations your own. Relying upon our self esteem and self confidence from external sources simply doesn't work. If the wife is pleased then you're up, if she frowns you're down, it sounds like your moods are like a yo-yo, up one hour, down the next, all based upon external forces, i.e. the wife. WE have to develop self esteem from within us with our own thinking. That's how it's designed to work, that's how we're wired.
Your worth as a human being comes from God, not from your wife or your performance. You have worth and value simply because you are a human being. It's not determined by how much money you make, whether you have a job or not, or how big a house you have. You're worth just as much today as the day you were born or the day you earned $100,000 in a year. And your worth DOES NOT DEPEND UPON OTHER'S RECOGNITION OF IT!
I think you have a good head on your shoulders. I've read several of your posts and they are dead on. Have faith in yourself, work the program, develop compassionate, loving self-talk and I'll bet you will feel a lot better and be doing things you aren't now in the near future without coercion from your wife.
She is not supportive but is a hindrance at this point as far as I can see. I wonder if she has serious control issues of her own?
You feel guilt and shame about your affliction. That type of attitude, which is perpetuated by your wife, will KEEP YOU IN ANXIETY/PANIC AND DEPRESSION. She is reinforcing your illness, not helping. She's reinforcing negative thoughts towards yourself.
About the area of town you hadn't been to in 3 months. That is cause for celebration. My advise is try to filter out your wife's thoughts and start loving and accepting yourself unconditionally. Lesson 3 is a hinge lesson. Guilt and shame are not part of recovery. You have to forgive yourself for real or perceived failure, whether the wife does or not, and begin to love and accept yourself for who you are NOW.
All of this is in the program. I'm sorry about the wife, but my advise is to seek to filter out her behavior and speech in order to get better. She can not command anything from you. Recovery, self esteem, feeling good and less anxious, all of this comes from within you, not outside of you, i.e. the wife.
Seek to not be dependent upon her attitides. Seek to detach from her in thought and begin your own dialogue. Seek to not make her expectations your own. Relying upon our self esteem and self confidence from external sources simply doesn't work. If the wife is pleased then you're up, if she frowns you're down, it sounds like your moods are like a yo-yo, up one hour, down the next, all based upon external forces, i.e. the wife. WE have to develop self esteem from within us with our own thinking. That's how it's designed to work, that's how we're wired.
Your worth as a human being comes from God, not from your wife or your performance. You have worth and value simply because you are a human being. It's not determined by how much money you make, whether you have a job or not, or how big a house you have. You're worth just as much today as the day you were born or the day you earned $100,000 in a year. And your worth DOES NOT DEPEND UPON OTHER'S RECOGNITION OF IT!
I think you have a good head on your shoulders. I've read several of your posts and they are dead on. Have faith in yourself, work the program, develop compassionate, loving self-talk and I'll bet you will feel a lot better and be doing things you aren't now in the near future without coercion from your wife.
Last edited by Don57 on Fri May 16, 2008 2:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger, the smarter, the faster hand; But sooner or later the person who wins is the one who thinks "I can." Author Unknown
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
Hi Don,
Thanks for your insights. I think for the most part you are right-on in your views. I do agree that this situation is keeping me in anxiety because it is creating pressure I don't need. It is creating a needless barrier of shame/guilt & anger in me because I don't want the obligation of committing to things I'm not sure I can go & do yet. So I feel bad because I can't meet her expectations and because I can't do so then I can't meet my own expectations. The result is feeling more confused, frustrated and unhappy.
The mood in the house was very coolish today as she wanted to go across the city to this restaurant we hadn't been to in some time. I declined and she stayed away from me the entire morning then left on her own for the day. I am left here feeling like a jerk and more ensnared in my anxiety habit. I hate to keep asking for patience and more time. But I do think I understand what's driving things around here: Hawaii.
Her family had planned a Hawaiian vacation and after almost 5 years a date for this July was set. This was before my anxiety came back to stalk me again. Now, there's the fear that I won't be able to go on her part and I imagine that come July it will culminate into a real mess as I can't see how I can do this. I don't mean to be a stick in the mud party pooper but then again what can I do?
I do embrace what you said about me paying more attention to my own esteem and attitudes. I guess that this is just my path I have to follow and things won't always be rosy. So like with our marriage vows, for better or for worse, I'll do my part and hope that she'll still be around one day so we can enjoy life together again once I free myself from my anxiety & panic. If not then I'll have to move on and leave the rest to God.
Thanks again for the reply! By the way that is a cool looking Camaro in your pic above- '68 I'm guessing?
Thanks for your insights. I think for the most part you are right-on in your views. I do agree that this situation is keeping me in anxiety because it is creating pressure I don't need. It is creating a needless barrier of shame/guilt & anger in me because I don't want the obligation of committing to things I'm not sure I can go & do yet. So I feel bad because I can't meet her expectations and because I can't do so then I can't meet my own expectations. The result is feeling more confused, frustrated and unhappy.
The mood in the house was very coolish today as she wanted to go across the city to this restaurant we hadn't been to in some time. I declined and she stayed away from me the entire morning then left on her own for the day. I am left here feeling like a jerk and more ensnared in my anxiety habit. I hate to keep asking for patience and more time. But I do think I understand what's driving things around here: Hawaii.
Her family had planned a Hawaiian vacation and after almost 5 years a date for this July was set. This was before my anxiety came back to stalk me again. Now, there's the fear that I won't be able to go on her part and I imagine that come July it will culminate into a real mess as I can't see how I can do this. I don't mean to be a stick in the mud party pooper but then again what can I do?
I do embrace what you said about me paying more attention to my own esteem and attitudes. I guess that this is just my path I have to follow and things won't always be rosy. So like with our marriage vows, for better or for worse, I'll do my part and hope that she'll still be around one day so we can enjoy life together again once I free myself from my anxiety & panic. If not then I'll have to move on and leave the rest to God.
Thanks again for the reply! By the way that is a cool looking Camaro in your pic above- '68 I'm guessing?
'69 Super Sport. And thanks.
You have a good head on your shoulders.
You have a good head on your shoulders.
You know what works. Keep working on yourself and you'll get there. Hopefully the wife will still be there for you. You do deserve it. You have a good heart. Keep it that way. Best wishes for your recovery.I guess that this is just my path I have to follow and things won't always be rosy. So like with our marriage vows, for better or for worse, I'll do my part and hope that she'll still be around one day so we can enjoy life together again once I free myself from my anxiety & panic. If not then I'll have to move on and leave the rest to God.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger, the smarter, the faster hand; But sooner or later the person who wins is the one who thinks "I can." Author Unknown
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
Hey Sparkus
Don57 is right of course, We are all working to find our self worth from faith and to be safe from within ourselves. Spouses are particularly important to us and if there is anyone we want to please it should be our Family-the hardest part though is finding the boundries and balance between what is reasonable to ask of each other and give to each other. Each couple has to figure it out. I have found that the main thing my guy wants is to make me happy, and that I need to appreciate his efforts. You cannot change your wife but can you change the way that you react to her behaviour? Women like to be cherished, so are there things that you can do to let her know that you do cherish her? Is she feeling neglected in ways that you cn make up comfortably? You may already do this really well and it may totally be her issues. If it is you are right you cannot change it and let things pan out-I guess I am rambling just wanted to give you some support! much luck and hang in there.
Don57 is right of course, We are all working to find our self worth from faith and to be safe from within ourselves. Spouses are particularly important to us and if there is anyone we want to please it should be our Family-the hardest part though is finding the boundries and balance between what is reasonable to ask of each other and give to each other. Each couple has to figure it out. I have found that the main thing my guy wants is to make me happy, and that I need to appreciate his efforts. You cannot change your wife but can you change the way that you react to her behaviour? Women like to be cherished, so are there things that you can do to let her know that you do cherish her? Is she feeling neglected in ways that you cn make up comfortably? You may already do this really well and it may totally be her issues. If it is you are right you cannot change it and let things pan out-I guess I am rambling just wanted to give you some support! much luck and hang in there.
I have personally found Dr. David Burns' book on depression to be very beneficial as an added resource to the StressCenter.com program. He expounds on some of the skills taught on the program.
Chapter 10 of his book, "Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy", is titled "The Cause of It All" and helps a person determine how and why they got depressed in the first place. He has another book out called, "When Panic Attacks". I would bet that he has a similar chapter in that book which helps a person determine how and why they became or become anxious/panicky.
In the book on depression, in Chapter 10 he has a self test called "The Dysfunctional Attitude Scale". It's a 35 question test and its purpose is to reveal self defeating attitudes that commonly occur in individuals predisposed to emotional disorders. WE all have silent assumptions which may represent a predisposition to emotional turbulence. This test helps identify them and explains how these assumptions are unhealthy. The test is based upon 7 value systems of Approval, Love, Achievement, Perfectionism, Entitlement, Omnipotence, and Autonomy. Scores reveal areas where we are psychologically strong or emotionally vulnerable. The chapters following Chapter 10 examine these value systems and offer ways to rid ourselves of attitudes which are self-defeating and unrealistic and substitute other attitudes that are more objective and more self enhancing. This whole process helps us to become more emotionally healthy and less prone to future difficulties.
I would bet he has outlined a similar process for anxiety/panic in his book, "When Panic Attacks." Jesus said, "Ask, Seek, Knock". The asking part for me ended when I found the StressCenter.com program. That's when the seeking and knocking began, the practical "how to" of resolving my emotional turmoil.
Chapter 10 of his book, "Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy", is titled "The Cause of It All" and helps a person determine how and why they got depressed in the first place. He has another book out called, "When Panic Attacks". I would bet that he has a similar chapter in that book which helps a person determine how and why they became or become anxious/panicky.
In the book on depression, in Chapter 10 he has a self test called "The Dysfunctional Attitude Scale". It's a 35 question test and its purpose is to reveal self defeating attitudes that commonly occur in individuals predisposed to emotional disorders. WE all have silent assumptions which may represent a predisposition to emotional turbulence. This test helps identify them and explains how these assumptions are unhealthy. The test is based upon 7 value systems of Approval, Love, Achievement, Perfectionism, Entitlement, Omnipotence, and Autonomy. Scores reveal areas where we are psychologically strong or emotionally vulnerable. The chapters following Chapter 10 examine these value systems and offer ways to rid ourselves of attitudes which are self-defeating and unrealistic and substitute other attitudes that are more objective and more self enhancing. This whole process helps us to become more emotionally healthy and less prone to future difficulties.
I would bet he has outlined a similar process for anxiety/panic in his book, "When Panic Attacks." Jesus said, "Ask, Seek, Knock". The asking part for me ended when I found the StressCenter.com program. That's when the seeking and knocking began, the practical "how to" of resolving my emotional turmoil.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger, the smarter, the faster hand; But sooner or later the person who wins is the one who thinks "I can." Author Unknown
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
Hello to everyone,
I was glad to see this topic. I am in a very similar situation, only worse. My anxiety is triggered by the demands, expectations, and controls of my Fiance. We have determined through therapy that her behavior associated with insecurities yields control to avoid the fear of being dis-respected/devalued. My behavior associated with insecurities yields avoidance from the fear of being controled and having low self esteem.
Here is the irony=
My avoidance/anxieties triggers her feelings of disprespect which causes her to demand/control which causes even bigger esteem/avoidance. We are both caught up very deep in this cycle.
Question is, how can I work on myself without being subject to her issues?
Is it unrealistic to think we can both change?
Should we back off of a Sept Wedding knowing I just started this program?
I was strong for about 20 months in this relationship but just finally "cracked" about two weeks ago. I suggested that this relationship is too damaging to one another.
You may ask..."Do you love her?" I used to but how do I know when I am so frightened by her!!!
Any words of experience are greatly appreciated!
I was glad to see this topic. I am in a very similar situation, only worse. My anxiety is triggered by the demands, expectations, and controls of my Fiance. We have determined through therapy that her behavior associated with insecurities yields control to avoid the fear of being dis-respected/devalued. My behavior associated with insecurities yields avoidance from the fear of being controled and having low self esteem.
Here is the irony=
My avoidance/anxieties triggers her feelings of disprespect which causes her to demand/control which causes even bigger esteem/avoidance. We are both caught up very deep in this cycle.
Question is, how can I work on myself without being subject to her issues?
Is it unrealistic to think we can both change?
Should we back off of a Sept Wedding knowing I just started this program?
I was strong for about 20 months in this relationship but just finally "cracked" about two weeks ago. I suggested that this relationship is too damaging to one another.
You may ask..."Do you love her?" I used to but how do I know when I am so frightened by her!!!
Any words of experience are greatly appreciated!
It sounds like you both have low self esteem. I would suggest working on yourselves first before getting married. Yes, you can change and grow emotionally but it appears postponing the wedding for a year or so might be a good idea. When you both grow and develop more self esteem you'll know when the time is right for marriage. You'll feel an assurance that it can work. Who proposed, you or her, and if you, did you feel pressured into it?
The counseling you are receiving may be of great benefit for you both in regards to eventually getting married. What does your counselor think about the Sept. 20 date?
The counseling you are receiving may be of great benefit for you both in regards to eventually getting married. What does your counselor think about the Sept. 20 date?
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger, the smarter, the faster hand; But sooner or later the person who wins is the one who thinks "I can." Author Unknown
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
sparkus,
I don't know when you purchased the program but included in the package is a disc specificaley for the spouses and family members of those that are working on the program. I had my spouse listen to it and he found it quite informative. Also I believe it is the first book that also lists the do's and dont's for the spouses,please check it out! I also want to ask you is their a reason that your wife can't go to Hawaii without you- this time? This gives you the oppurtunity to focus on yourself and gives her the time with her family.
I don't know when you purchased the program but included in the package is a disc specificaley for the spouses and family members of those that are working on the program. I had my spouse listen to it and he found it quite informative. Also I believe it is the first book that also lists the do's and dont's for the spouses,please check it out! I also want to ask you is their a reason that your wife can't go to Hawaii without you- this time? This gives you the oppurtunity to focus on yourself and gives her the time with her family.