Here I am again.

eder · Post by **eder** » Mon Jun 07, 2010 12:19 am

Hi everybody,

I was an active member about 8 years ago, and I regret I stop coming here to at least keep in touch with those that helped me, because I felt I overcame panic disorder and anxiety then. But, my over confidence and various changes in my life, have lead me back here. I separated from my wife in 2005 to later on get divorced, but I didn't get into the circle of panic and anxiety right away, instead I started drinking

Things got worse, with the bad company I was with, and I was sleeping an average of 3-4 hrs a day. During this time I got panic episodes, to later on get rid off with the techniques I learned here. I was so sure to never get another panic attack that I abused my body and didn't care about anything that could harm me.

Two weeks ago I finally shot down. After a night of alcohol abuse and 2 hours sleep, I got a major panic attack. I tried to get my mind out of it, used all my techniques, and little by little I started giving in to all the physical and mind sensations of fear, depression and doom... I haven't been able to sleep, I'm at about 4 hrs a night, my neck and back so tense, and the times I finally fall asleep the moment I wake up I notice this burning sensation in the back of my head and shoulders, and I go into panic mode right away, I also think it is in consequence of the patterns I had because of my behavior.

I've got my ups and downs since 2 weeks ago, one day I think that it is gone and feel "normal" like my good old self, and the next I'm having major panic. My main concern is that, I feel this time I wont get over the condition, first time around I did it with out medication, but I was younger... I'm feeling as if I had done so much damage to my health and mind the past 5 years, that I wont be able to make it this time...

I still have the tapes, I lost the books when moving... I've started listening to them, and tying loose ends and reconnecting... It just seems so difficult at times, and the thought about the struggles I had the first time around it makes it even more scary, the thought that WHAT IF, I can't make it this time? How long can I live like this again? I think maybe it didn't even work the first time around, and I was just masking my pain with alcohol abuse....

I got to tell you tho, that I'm not being passive here, I started going to AA meetings, haven't drank but 1 beer in 2 weeks, I started exercising, and I'm keeping in touch with friends who have been very supportive, and I had neglected because of my abusive behavior. I'm staying away from bad influences and even I feel depressed while I'm at home on my own, after being out most nights, I believe I'm making progress...

I'm debating about going to see a doctor, first time around a general practitioner went straight up to Xanax and Celexa, which the first one I never took out of fear, and the second one gave me vertigo and extreme fear when I took it only one time... Later on I took Zoloft for about 2 months, started feeling better and quit taking them, whined down of course, and never took any more meds... This time I'm in such a hurry to get rid of this condition, cause I'm so scared to go that same path, I feel like I should go ahead and get the meds, and go on with my life... But, I dont't want to be dependent of them...

Anyway, I need to get ready for work, if you got to read down to this line, I appreciate it, I'm in a way journaling here, it seems like when I write my mind shots down for a bit, and my panic goes away, which feels good, if a least is for a brief moment...

Hope to hear from you, I remember the first time around in this forum, I made one of the greatest friendships I can have. We walked through the whole thing, and I'm still in touch with, and still worries about me, and has never given up on me...

Take good care of yourselves...

eder

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jun 07, 2010 4:58 am

Hi Eder,

Sorry to hear of all that you have gone through but it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what is going on and what you need to do. I am newer to the site. Just did the program last year and still coming out of some things. I wanted to encourage you to not listen to the "what if" thinking that is trying to tell you this time you can't do it - YES you can. If you need to take meds a bit, there is no condemnation in that. The important thing is for you to get better again. Getting long lasting relief is better than a quick fix although I understand your desire to be free and not go through it again. I think your reaching out is great and is sounds like you are already taking some great steps toward healing. I hope you are able to get lots of support on here again. Wishing you the best and looking forward to hearing of your journey back to wholeness.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jun 07, 2010 5:20 am

Thank you SimpleTruths, as always, I think this forum is very encouraging. I've been reading a lot lately, other posts, other websites, etc etc etc... I feel a little numbed right now, and sleepy, which I think it means I'm relaxing. However, as soon as I start closing my eyes due to tiredness, I feel a lot of panic... It's so weird to think that way... What amazes me the most about this condition, is that just about 3 weeks ago, I was having the life you know!!! And that is what discourage me at times, and makes me believe I may have something else, and I feel like depression now is sinking in as well... But, I guess is going back to the old cycle

Another thing is that, I feel stupid too, to talk to anybody that has got out of it, cause I know I did, and now that I'm back to it, don't know what to ask, or say, cause I already have the answers and techniques, so at times I also feel really lonely

Thannks so much for your reply, please let me know how you did with the program....

Regards, ed

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jun 07, 2010 6:26 am

Hi Ed,

Please don't feel stupid to talk to any of us. Believe me when I say we understand. Just because you went through the program once and did well doesn't mean that you can't learn something new this time around. I feel lonely sometimes too but coming on here and reading others posts helps alot. If you haven't been to the dr. in awhile, it wouldn't hurt to get checked over. More than likely, everything will come back fine but it will give you the peace of mind to be able to focus on the program again and not running off with "what if I have this, or what if I have that?" This is coming from someone who did that DAILY!

The program really helped me realize so much of what I was feeling was anxiety related. I had a lot of physical symptoms and had been to about every kind of doctor there is: ENT, Neurologist, Cardiologist, GP, etc., etc., etc., and everything always came back ok, which was wonderful but I still was dealing with so many symptoms. I even did therapy for awhile but that honestly didn't help me much. So I think what the program helped me with the most was first of all, I wasn't alone and alot of other people where going through the same things. Second, that I could get better by implementing the suggestions that they give - and I did. BUT I still struggle in some areas and plan on going through the program again.

Also, I have had that relaxing feeling then panic/anxiety feeling too. I believe it is bottled up anxiety that is still there even when we try to relax. Do you still have the relaxation CD? That helps me to the point I about fall asleep before it is over.

Don't be to hard on yourself, Ed. You have been through alot and I believe you will come out of the place you are in now to better than ever before. I'm cheering for you!