Spoke assertively to my mom!

P&P · Post by **P&P** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 1:43 am

Hey guys,

Well, I finally did it, I spoke up to my mom and told her how I felt about housesitting for them every time they go away. It was very difficult and my mom threw a fit, but I got through it and I feel much stronger. The problem is that my mom and my stepdad travel quite a lot (in fact they were gone for one year) and they have continued to travel. They expect whenever they leave, for myself and my sister to look after their house and dog. Not only did that expectation bother me but I only found out a week ago through my boyfriend that they were leaving for 3 weeks come tomorrow. And of course once again expected we would housesit and dog sit without even asking.

I just have a difficult time with feeling guilty. My mom is known for saying very hurtful things when she doesn't get her way and told me on the phone that "God forbid she ever gets sick because I won't be there to take care of her." This comment was very hurtful to me as I know I would be there for her. It's all or nothing, I can't just not help out every now and then, they expect us to be there whenever they ask.

Has anyone else gone through this with their parents?

Thanks

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:02 am

Oh my goodness I had to laugh when I read this because it is exactly what I have and go thru with my mom. I stopped going to her house for dinner because she expected me to clean up afterwards. I don't mind cleaning up, its the fact that she EXPECTS it and makes me feel guilty if I don't. My mom also does the exact same thing with claiming I will not be there to take care of her if something happens to her. She will call me on the phone and if I don't answer or call her back immediately she goes into a guilt trip as to what is going to happen if she needs to get ahold of me and I am not htere for her. I said dial 911 or get your husband who lives in the same house you do or my 44 year old brother who also lives in the house with you! Why does she expect me to take care of her and meet her demands? I hate living under that control.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:05 am

Lisa1,

It's really tough because they just don't see anything wrong with what they're doing. But I have faith that in time, she'll slowly start to see that her expectations are out of whack.

Does your mom suffer from anxiety? I know my dad does and he sometimes gets upset when he can't reach me. I've learnt this is because he worries so much and feels out of control because he can't get ahold of me. I try and do my best to get back to him now, so he doesn't worry. But expecting that you clean the dishes every time you come over is pretty ridiculous!,hehe But good for you for setting some boundaries.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 3:10 am

My mom definately suffers from anxiety. She is not getting any help for it. I'm not sure that she recognizes how bad it is. Now looking back, when I did live at home I constantly had severe stomach aches and the Dr. could not find anything wrong with me. I have been out of her house for 25 years and I still struggle with the control she has on me. There are times I do not answer the phone when she calls because she causes me so much anxiety.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 7:53 am

I have a similar thing with my grandma. She wants me to do what SHE wants me to do and raise my kids how SHE thinks is best, etc. It's all a big sham to get attention for herself and makes her feel better when she is "in control". Things started getting rocky when I had kids and suddenly had to watch out for someone and when I didn't agree with her, she would tell me I was selfish, etc. and try to do the silent treatment to "hurt" me. I've read a great book about this called "Boundaries by Dr.s Cloud and Townsend and also went to talk to my asst. pastor who has training in counseling. Basically, I've decided what I want to put up with and what I am willing to do. He said there are two kinds of extreme reactions in a stressful situation. Either you cling together and have to be as one (like all in the family have to be of one political party, etc.) or you get slammed OR you get cut off because you didn't conform. I've finally come to see that it's her problem and she is now 90 and she likes to be crabby (she told me that) and is not changing. So- I love her from afar and feel much healthier now.

The mom thing would be harder. I try real hard to be sensitive to their time and not ask for help with my kids all the time. And in turn, I do watch their house and dog, but they always ask and if I can't they make other arrangements without any bad words to me. It seems to be working out OK.

congrats on standing up for you. Family is the hardest.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 11:11 am

....they always ask and if I can't they make other arrangements without any bad words to me. It seems to be working out OK.

And that's key! No, it's not the end of the world that I have to housesit but I don't like the fact they there isn't a choice. Much like the other poster who mentioned not minding cleaning up after dinner but being expected whenever she's over to clean up.

It sounds like you've found a balance with your grandmother. You're right, it's SO hard with family, especially since the lack of boundaries has been around for a long time and my entire family operates that way.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 11:34 am

I recommend that book also. It helped me a great deal with boundary issues with my mom.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 4:19 pm

I am SO frustrated. So after telling my mom everything, how I felt like I wasn't being respected and how I felt our relationship was very child/adult like, she emailed me and let me know she bought a foamy mattress cover for the bed, so both myself and my boyfriend can stay there. But the bed is the least of my worries, the bigger issue is that she doesn't respect the fact that I have a life and that she never gives me the option not to housesit for them. I have no idea what to do anymore. What do you do when the person you're being assertive with chooses to ignore everything you said??

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 09, 2010 6:55 pm

I understand your frustration, I have been there many times. OnceI started having severe panic attacks in which I needed tranquilizers to get them to stop-I decided from that point on no matter what kind of guilt trip my mom put on me I had to set boundaries with her. How she responded to my boundaries was not my problem. I had to let go of the fact that she would not like my boundaries and she would try to still get her way but I had to be strong. Actually after experiencing the horrific panic attacks I really didn't care what my mom thought anymore my sanity was much more important. I love my mom just like I'm sure you love yours but there comes a time when they have to respect your boundaries or your relationship will suffer along with your mental health. Does this make sense?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 10, 2010 1:46 am

Yes, Lisa, it does make sense. I can tell my sister (who does everything my parents ask) deep down doesn't want to be housesitting either but feels like it's part of our "job" as daughters. And I thought how freeing it would be if she could talk to my mom too and say "this is what I'm willing to do" end of story. But I think you're right, I have to focus less on my mom and more on myself.

What bothered me the most is that I told her to speak with my sister because she kept on pinning it on the two of us and she didn't let me sister know that I said I would do one week, or that I could only do the first week of their vacation. It's like talking to a wall. But I will still stick to my guns and only do one week.