Fear of being alone

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kimmy-n
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2008 3:01 pm

Post by kimmy-n » Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:25 am

Hello,

I just need someone out there to tell me that they know How i am feeling so I can have some peace and comfort. I am a 45 YO female who is so co-dependent on everyone and everything. I cannot stand to be alone with myself. I get soooooooooo depressed like my thoughts start obsessing about be lonley and " Is this all the is" I have lately developed physical symptoms and Fear I am dying. I hate being alone, living alone and nothing seems to help. I cry, panic, and just don't know how to become comfortable with this living alone stuff. I am so weak and I hate myself for it! Please help. Thanks

Guest

Post by Guest » Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:34 am

Kimmy,

You are not alone! I can relate to the "is this all there is?" thinking. Although in terms of being alone I think I have the opposite problem - I have trouble being around people when I'm stressed and anxious - which lately is most of the time. I isolate myself and end up really depressed. This weekend has been especially bad for me. I remember years ago when I lived alone for the first time it was very scary. I got used to it though and now I isolate too much! I really need to take better care of myself, but so far I'm not very good at it.

Nick

Guest

Post by Guest » Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:37 am

thanks.. hard-candy. I thing maybe I'm peri-monpause. I have no idea what's going on with me

Guest

Post by Guest » Sun Apr 13, 2008 12:26 pm

kimmy i am 60 years old and married but he is not supportive so i am alone. i have no motivation to do anything so this coaching is my last hope. u r not alone

hopehound
Posts: 243
Joined: Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:34 pm

Post by hopehound » Sun Apr 13, 2008 3:17 pm

Thankx jofifin and hard-candy for the feedback.
Jofiflin, you are NOT alone either. I would love to chat with you anytime. I too am married and although he is there for me in alot of ways, he is emotionally "out to lunch" and besides, we are seperated and live in different homes. I know my problems are my own to bare and I have to help myself. It;s like trying to become best friends with your worst ememy. Do i make any sense? I may be also going thrrough peri-menopause. I would love to chat sometime. Thankx
ANGELS CAN FLY BECAUSE THEY TAKE THEMSELVES LIGHTLY

Guest

Post by Guest » Sun Apr 13, 2008 4:00 pm

Kimmy,
Did you have anxiety before you and your husband separated? About 10 yrs. ago my husband went through a "midlife crisis" (he was 30!)and moved out. It was like my life spun on a dime. Previously, I had been confident, (probably to the point of arrogant) self-reliant (more like self-absorbed), and had always pretty much achieved whatever I set out to.

Eventually, we reconciled, but his desertion shook me to my core. In many ways this was an emotionally excrutiating but positive experience that allowed me to most importatnly, GROW UP, but also learn a great deal about MYSELF and what's truly valuable in life. However, I had never experienced anxiety/depression until this situation, and I've been plagued with it ever since (mostly anxiety).

I know I have abandonment issues (my parents never married and I haven't spoken to my father in over 17 years). So, here I am... this time trying really hard to find the "good" parts of my old self. I think this program is the best thing we can do for ourselves.
Blessings to you,
fischee

Angla
Posts: 78
Joined: Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:24 pm

Post by Angla » Sun Apr 13, 2008 5:15 pm

Hi Kimmy,
They are all right you not alone! I know that feeling alone can be overwhelming and I know knowing doesn't help most of the time but wanting to be with people, friends, and family is normal we are NOT designed to be alone so cut yourself some slack and lean on your friends and family if they are worth being your life they will gladly help. I wish I lived near you; you could hang out just to be around anytime no questions, no conditions I am like you I like people around whether we are on a mission to do something or doing nothing. You are normal. Wanting to be alone or even being ok with it is not normal. Sometime we must be alone but when we are we know it is temporary and makes it ok for the short time we are.

I'm sorry but, I do not believe burdens or problems are yours to bear alone that is just wrong and if anyone looks down on you for needing help they have no business in your life let alone the human race. Please one small step at a time find people near you that you can spend time with, just a little at a time, even just a few minuets can make all the difference. Take up a new hobble or sport that requires groups. Volunteer if you have time in things that requires everyone to work as a team. I know I am my own worst enemy to. I know all these thing but let laziness, convenience or bad habits get in the way. I know I hate being alone just anyone to share a meal with to watch tv, read the paper with, watch the sunset. But, I know the more people I meet the greater the chance I meet the ones that want to be around me. I know it’s so hard to be motivated, so small steps one day at a time, one hour at a time if we need to. If its really bad one day go out anywhere window shop, talk to the clerks, stop at the grocery store say hi talk to anyone who works there they might be nice and make your day! Never give up the break through will come. Change is coming for the better!

robin D
Posts: 35
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 1:44 pm

Post by robin D » Mon Apr 14, 2008 2:19 am

Dear Kimmy:

I saw the TITLE of this posting & I just had to reply. First, I'd like you to know YOU SO ARE NOT ALONE. That is the ANXIETY making you feel that. Everything you're feeling is inside of you - all the while, everyone else in your life seems to be getting on W/ THEIR LIVE'S. While that "feeling" isn't very comfortable or pleasant - pls know it is very typical of anxiety disorder. While you need to do the work necessary for recovery -there are a wealth of people on THIS FORUM here for you as you are recovering & will be there w/ you to CELEBRATE WHEN YOU DO RECOVER. @ any time, you feel the need to reach out + for conversation + support, etc - GO FOR IT & DO IT. Man/women(I am a woman after all, lol) was not created to be/live/exist alone - we were created to CO-EXIST AMONGST EACHOTHER - so your need to be around people is just you being HUMAN.

1 of my biggest "issues" w/ my anxiety disorder was "fear of being alone/abandoned" as a result of trauma I had experienced in childhood/teenage yrs(I'm currently 39). I had initiated therapy w/ a psychiatrist @ the immediate onset of my anxiety disorder triggering. My anxiety disorder was such, that it forced my hand & I couldn't work. I also initiated journaling to get myself to a point where I could ADMIT what I was thinking & feeling(having surpressed mannnnnny yrs of emotions). I cld this "HOMEWORK" lol - to aid me in the therapy process. One day, apprx 1 1/2 mths after initiating therapy, I was home doing homework. It was a WEDNES @ 2:30pm 2005. LOL, yes I remember the day. I was journaling & IT HIT ME - this roaring feeling of terrifying fear fr the pits of my being & soul came up over me. Kind of like a pot of water boiling over - except this was my EMOTIONAL SELF. I was trying to figure out what this is fr. You see, that is how I began to combat it all "why am I feeling this - what is this about/where is it coming fr". IT HIT ME - <span class="ev_code_RED">I had a fear of being alone & abandoned as a result of what I experienced in childhood. You see, I was abandoned by my father & then my mother(long story, lol) - there was abuse, etc tied in w/ it all. This, cumulatively speaking, is definitely a RECIPE FOR FEAR OF BEING ALONE.</span>The min I said it out loud, meaning - admitting it to myself - made it real for me = the truth I allowed myself to feel for the 1st time in my life. It felt like me in an adult body, transporting myself thru time & feeling the fear of being alone/abandoned for the 1st time. Kind of like what my former "child self" felt - except I was then a 37 yr old woman. It didn't make it any easier though.

Once I admitted the fear to myself - IT WAS ON. I was terrified beyond any normal comprehension. Pls know, w/ all sincerity, I do not say this to frighten you - THERE IS A RAINBOW AT THE END trust me. Remember, while this was going on: I was home alone, not working. Everyone I knew: husband + inlaws/extended family + friends - were out there going about their own lives = jobs + spouses + homes + children + responsibilities, etc. At the time, this only magnified the fear & it created THAT FEELING OF BEING ALONE THAT ANXIETY DISORDER CAN CREATE. I viewed it, initially as sheer punishment or torture of some kind. I couldn't understand the purpose of me "realizing I had this fear of being alone/abandoned" + having to go thru this therapy process = emotionally reliving 20+ yrs of events & consolidating them into 20 MTHS OF THERAPY + having to do it "alone/home alone" - as I PERCEIVED IT. I felt ABANDONED all over again by the world & God. I cried to God in absolute sheer pain & terror.

W/o attempting to preach religion, God didn't abandon me - nor did my hus or inlaws or extended family/friends. I had to go thru the process to realize that. You see KIMMY - prior to anxiety disorder triggering - I didn't know anything was wrong. Sure, I knew I went thru these things - I just assumed "this is me & this is my life" = almost a state of being. All my life since apprx 5 yrs old, for me it was always a case of <span class="ev_code_RED">LIVE & SURVIVE</span> NOT <span class="ev_code_RED">THINK & FEEL.</span>As a result, I never addressed the VERY REAL EMOTIONAL EFFECTS these cumulative events had on me - I was too busy living & surviving. ANXIETY DISORDER is a horrible existence & the fear of being alone/abandoned is terrifying. However, having to experience BOTH - while home alone WAS MY SAVING GRACE - it saved my emotional self. You see, I never had the choice of any of it. Nor, because of my circumstance, did I have the opportunity to stop & address it all - I was on my own since senior yr of high school. Anxiety disorder forcing my hand GAVE ME THAT CHANCE. By forcing my hand & not being able to work, I had no where to go + no distractions + no getting busy TO FORGET = <span class="ev_code_RED">stop & address this now.</span>Yes, kind of like God was giving me the opportunity I was not given in childhood or that I wasn't born into. If anxiety disorder hadn't triggered, I never would have addressed all that I needed to. B/4 anxiety disorder, I never truly understand the emotional ramifications of what happened. I sure didn't realize the negative aspects of my personality & their effecting me & my quality of life. <span class="ev_code_RED">Cause, lets be real: it takes a hell of a lot more energy living in fear & negativity, consumed by & living AS THE PAST. Opposed to addressing it all & being free.</span>But remember, prior to anxiety disorder triggering, I didn't know I HAD A PROBLEM - I assumed this is me & my life.

That day, I mentioned, when I realized I had this fear of being alone, was a very monumental day in my recovery. I BECAME AN ADULT & SOUGHT TO GAIN CONTROL OVER MY EMOTIONAL SELF - for ME & the former child I was. That day, wednes, my husband had his pool league in the evening. He would stop home after work for a bit - b/4 he went & had his nite out. He came home that day & we had to stop at the bank b/4 he left. LOL, my poor husband - I can laugh now & make light of it all - but he had it hard too. He didn't understand anxiety disorder & so desperately wanted to help me. In addition, my husband didn't grow up like I did, in the circumstances I did. To be honest, the facts of my background scare him & make him cry. That Wed, after we got back fr the bank - we pulled up in front of the house. KIMMY, I was a mess - a ball of absolute fear & emotions. I was literally shaking. He asked me what was wrong & I told him all - esp about me newfound realization/fear of being alone/abandoned. Based how I appeared b/4 him, he refused to go to pool league that nite, saying "I can't leave you alone" - he actually cried saying "I won't go, hun you're not alone anymore - you have a family now". I was listening to him & all the while looking at my house - the 1 I had to go in, as though it was evil & demon possessed or something(thats how terrified I was to be alone). I wanted so bad to tell him not to go. You see KIMMY - this was only 1 1/2 mths after initiating therapy. I didn't understand anxiety disorder yet & this fear of being alone was kind of new to me. In spite of all I didn't know about anxiety disorder - I didn't like what it was making me feel & the existence it created for me: anxiety disorder paralized me + inhibited me + restricted me + made me totally dependant on my husband & emotionally dependant on all those I held close to my heart. THIS WAS NOT THE LIFE I WANTED TO LIVE + THIS WAS NOT THE WOMEN I WANTED TO BE. I was miserable & my heart was hurting so very bad. <span class="ev_code_RED">It was because of all those reasons, that day - I told my husband he HAD TO GO TO HIS POOL LEAGUE. I cried, every part of my body literally shaking - I was that 6 yr old little abandoned girl again - except this time, in a women's body. At that very moment, I had the chance TO CHANGE HER LIFE. So, I told my husband, "I want you to go to pool. I don't want you to call me - checking in as you usually do. If there is an emergency or something, I'll call you. Otherwise, don't call me".</span> W/ that said, I got out of the car - & didn't look back. If I did, I feared I'd change my mind. I walked to that house, like I was ready to do battle or something. My knees were so shaky, I actually wobbled & almost fell. I got back up & still didn't look back. I opened the house door - walked in & locked it w/o looking at my husband in the car. I went in the house, so terrified + in pain + feeling so alone. I sat on our couch & cried & shook almost all night. I didn't call any friends - cause some part of me knew I had to do this alone. <span class="ev_code_RED">KIMMY, the anxiety disorder was making me feel so many cumulative things I didn't like & I FEARED THEM. So, that day - I forced myself to feel it all & be alone. I didn't like how anxiety disorder made me feel like a PRISONER W/IN MYSELF - so, in a sm way - that day, I did battle w/ anxiety disorder so I could begin to set myself FREE.</span>

Fear of being alone/abandoned was my BIG ONE, lol - my DOOSY if you will. Little by little, during the following 3 yrs - I faced it head on, day in & out. What I realized is this: what I went thru in past yrs was traumatic & obviously had an effect on me. Being alone, even if forced, was a GIFT - giving me the chance for the 1st time in my entire life - to have the opportunity to focus on freeing the surpressed emotions + facing the fears + healing - fr not only anxiety disorder - but the past. W/ my being alone, there were no distractions - I was forced, by the very circumstance I was in, TO ADMIT/FACE/FEEL/DEAL/FORGIVE/LET GO - <span class="ev_code_RED">I basically had no where else to go.</span>

I am not gonna tell you it was easy - it was not. However, I can stand here & tell you LUCINDA IS SO RIGHT - how damn empowering it is to know ANXIETY DISORDER DIDN'T BEAT ME - I am recovered. Heck, I am home alone as I am writing this to you - I AM A WORKING WOMAN NOW - back into society. I taught myself to not be afraid of being alone. First I had to face the fear - there was no way around it. What I realized then, as I did - I established a learned behavior whenever I am alone - after yrs of surpressing my fear. So, after having faced the fear - I taught myself (unlearn it basically, lol) to be ok <span class="ev_code_RED">w/ myself, by myself - in my own company. That I was safe now - that was then & this is now.</span> The work was hard - however, whatever it entailed - it was no harder than the ABSOLUTE HELL the anxiety disorder & fear of being alone(combined) made me feel. I got tired of feeling like a darn prisoner - I felt trapped & I didn't want to feel that way anymore.

Pls don't hate yourself - realize it is the anxiety disorder making you feel that way. You are a wonderful person - loving & beautiful & courageous & smart & friendly - don't believe the lies anxiety disorder attempts to make you feel. If you have the program - continue to follow it - IT WORKS. As you work thru the program - reach out to people: on this forum: via posting or in chat. Go to the grocery store & smile at folks - saying HI - cause it makes ya feel good - strike up conversation. Get involved w/ things in your area: volunteer + church + a gym - invite friends to go to a movie or bowling - how about you go to a book store & purchase something? How about you go get your hair done? Just GET OUT THERE & GO OUT THERE - SOMETIMES, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF. Depress will attempt to make you isolate yourself by the cumulative things it makes you feel - FIGHT IT - DON'T ALLOW IT.

At the very end of your posting you said that you are so weak.<span class="ev_code_RED">KIMMY - you are so not weak. You know why I know this - while not even knowing you? You reached out - you were brave enough to admit what you are feeling, state you don't like how it feels, & seek advice & you are seeking support. THAT IS YOU FIGHTING IT & RECOVERING. </span> Sometimes, when we're recovering, we can get so caught up in the PROCESS - we can't see the forest fr the trees. It happened to me - folks were seeing I was recovering long b/4 I did. I see it in you.

Lenore

Allie3030
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 4:03 pm

Post by Allie3030 » Mon Apr 14, 2008 3:33 am

Not to completely go off topic...

<span class="ev_code_BROWN">But </span><span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Lenore</span> <span class="ev_code_BROWN">, you discussed in your above post everything that I needed to hear, and it felt good to know that I am the only one who can do this alone, for myself, for my life, for those around me. So that I be strong; the woman I want to be. I held the hand of the "child I once was" and walked her through the battles "she" faced in life. Thank you ever so much for your post.</span>

You can become your own best friend. That's what self-talk is all about. Even when you are alone, "someone" is there and that "someone" is you. I learned it only by facing my fears and I wish all the best for you, Kimmy.

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Love to all..</span>

[Edited for color corrections.]

Guest

Post by Guest » Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:14 am

HI: I AM A 63 OLD WIDOW AND I LIVE ALONE. I DON"T CARE FOR IT. I FEEL MUCH IF SOMEONE IS HERE ALL THE TIME. MY KIDS ARE 20 MINUTES FROM HERE BUT I ONLY SEE THEM ABOUT ONCE A WEEK. WORK SCHEDULES DON'T AGREE.

THIS BIG OLD HOUSE GETS TO ME. THAT IS WHY I AM IN THIS PROGRAM. I WORRY SLOT. N O ONE KNOWS I AM IN THIS PROGRAM. SOME DAYS ARE WORSE THAN OTHERS. TODAY IS A BAD DAY.

I AM NOT DOING AS WEKK AS I SHOULD ONTHE PROGRAM. MY OWN FAULT. WORK AND OTHER THINGS KEEP ME BUSY. BUT IT IS WHEN I HAVE TO COME INTO THIS OLD HOUSE BY MYSELF I START GERTTING NEVOUS.

HANG IN THERE - I AM. IT IS NIICE TO TALK TO SONEONE WHO IS GOING THROUGH SOME OF THE SAME PROBLEMS.

I HAVE BEEN ALONE KNOW FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS, BUT THE PROBEMS DID NOY START UN TILL THIS PAST FALL CAME HOME FROMWORK ONE DAY TO FIND MY ROOF LEAKING AGAIN.

THEN THAT N IGHT MY SMOKE DECTORS STARTED GOING OFF AND I COULD NOT STOP THEM. ENDED UP CALLING THE FIRE DEPATMENT TO COME AND CHECK THINGNS OUT. COME TO FIND OUT THE BATTERIES I HAD RECENTLY BOUGHT WERE BAD.
SINCE THEN I HAVE BEEN A NERVOUS WRECK ABOUT BEING ALONE.
HAD A VER BAD NIGHT AND AM VERY SORE AND TENSE TENSE TODAY.

IMISS HAVEING SOMEONE AROUND TO TALK TO AND KEEP ME COMPANY.

I AM WAYBEHIND ONWHERE I SHOULD BE IN THE PRGRAM. I LIKE O TAKE TIME AND GO THRUGH EACH LESSSON A FEW TIMES
I ALSO FIND IT HARD TO SIT DOWN AND DO THE PROGRAM. SOMETHING I NEED TO OVERCOME.

I DON'T GET ON LINE AS MUCH AS I SHOULD. GET BUSY

TAKE CARE KIMMY AND ALL WILL BE WELL.

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