Missing out

GI822 · Post by **GI822** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:44 am

I'm feeling rather sad today. My parents and aunt and uncle have been down the shore since this past Saturday. My sister and her new boyfriend are headed down tonight and staying until Sunday. I feel disappointed in myself that I'm not there. My anxiety and me not pushing forward is holding me back. I haven't been to the shore in 5 years, it's about a two hour drive from my home. They are going for walks on the beach, nice dinners etc.. and all the while I'm here at home doing nothing. I always say well maybe next year but next year comes and goes. I think I will turn my sad feelings into motivation that I never want to feel this way again. At the same time, I wonder how long it will take for me to feel "normal" again. I've been having a lot of dreams of me being in places I used to go and it makes me feel good to think I could do that again. I was off this entire week from work and have barely done anything to work on my anxiety. I was suppose to start session 5 a few days ago but haven't. I guess I'm just in a rut and need to pull myself out of it and move on. I hope by next summer I can't write about a fun trip down the shore instead of this.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:14 pm

GI822, You can and will make it next year, tell yourself this no-matter how you feel. It's ok that you were in a rut, we all do that even on vacation. So

and work on session 5 tonight (even a smidge if you can), start now. You will see progress but it takes TIME. Timing is everything, 1 step at a time gal, ok?

spedteacher · Post by **spedteacher** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:52 pm

Hi. David is correct. And go ahead and put in your Session Five CD. This part of the program isn't as easy as it sounds. If you get hung up on the new menu limitations, we've been posting on this in the June Peer Group forum. By the way, do imagery meditations work for you? Perhaps you could start seeing that beach during your walk toward the end of the Relaxation CD. Might get you motivated to just show up there for real in the near future. Good luck. Pecos

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:02 pm

Hey everyone. Thanks for the great advice. I actually started session 5 right after I posted this and I feel better. I have actually changed my diet before this program but did pick up a few key things that I am going to grab at the grocery store tomorrow. I think I do need to take this more one step at a time. I think I keep setting unrealistic goals, like by next month I should have accomplished this etc... when I just need to do the steps and forget the time constraints. Thanks again guys, I appreciate the support and encouragement!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:13 pm

Keep working the program girl and you may just end up at that beach before the end of summer. Why not make that a goal. How about baby steps like going outside more, then a walk down your block or road, a little further each day? I believe you can do it one step at a time.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:08 am

You are on the right track - be patient w/ yourself. Most importantly, pat yourself on the back - that's right, give yourself 1 heck of a HIGH FIVE ^^^^^^^5 - you recognize it, reached out & are addessing things. Be patient w/ yourself & this "journey" - anything worthwhile in life, does take time. Changing ourselves is not easy, nor does it come immediately.

I know, patience is not 1 of our strongest traits, lol

Oh lord, when my anxiety disorder triggered in APR 2005 - I was so beyond ignorant to what this thing was. I initiated therapy w/ a psychiatrist immediately. I distinctly remember, going into my very 1st therapy session, thinking "ok, this will only take 1 month & I'll be done w/ it. I can then get on w/ my life". That is what I LITERALLY said to myself. I had no clue what anxiety disorder was + couldn't possibly grasp how very traumatic my past/childhood was & its emotional impact on me - esp as it related to my anxiety disorder(heck, I figured I lived it already - its done w/ - no big deal) + I sincerely didn't comprehend the severity of the state I was in. I had 2 different dr's(my reg dr & my psychiatrist, who has 30+ yrs experience) tell me, my "state" was 1 of the worst they had seen. Heck, I was diagnosed w/ anxiety disorder + panic attacks + ptsd. When I heard that diagnosis & my psychiatrist's opinion of my state, I was frightened & discouraged. Like many b/4 me, I felt like I was in an emotional prison w/in myself, by myself. To say I was discouraged would be a serious understatement.

I too was very very very very(100 very's, lol

) RESENTFUL. I was resentful for: this was happening to me & it was sooooooooo not fair + this condition has forced me to not be able to work for the 1st time in my life + this condition made me feel "paralized by mind numbing fear" - inhibited - restricted - totally dependant on my husband(I was never a clingy woman) - emotionally dependant on ANYONE willing to give me the time of day + resentful cause I was home alone literally for 3 1/2 yrs, alone: everyone, includ hubby/inlaws/friends, worked. They had spouses/jobs/children/homes/their kids activities, etc. So, they were often very busy. They were living their lives. OFten, the phone DIDN'T RING, which my "emotionally dependant self" didn't understand @ all. I was mad & overwhelmed. I was feeling all things the worst of anxiety disorder can/will make you feel & had tons of surpressed emotions/issues to address - IT WASN'T FAIR. I even remember crying & getting mad w/ GOD, "why am I going thru this & why am I going thru this alone, home alone?"

I wasn't literally alone in my life. What I was able to soon realize was this: we all have our own journey's in life to take = our own crosses to bare. This journey was mine. I had lived through some tough events, all which directly contributed to my anxiety disorder. In addition, while my physical symptoms hadn't appeared till APR 2005, I had the BEHAVIORAL TRAITS as far back as 5 yrs old. Think about that, I was 37 when anxiety disorder triggered. That means, I was carrying this burden/heavy weight/negative state of thinking + acting + reacting for 30+ yrs. That is a lot. Imagine the effects on me(mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually)having done that for 30+ yrs. I don't celebrate anxiety disorder - I understand HOW & WHY it happened.

I had been resentful for the background I had, situations I've lived thru, being on my own in high school - often feeling as though I never had a choice for that very situation I was thrust into. What I was able to SEE(I was stubborn & trust you me, lol, GOD WAS WORKING OVERTIME W/ ME)

is I WAS FINALLY BEING GIVEN THAT "CHANCE" I felt I was denied. Everything that had to be "worked out" if you will = all that had to HEAL, was inside of me. Because I had been so very emotionaly dependant on just about EVERYONE - if they had ALWAYS CLD + BEEN AROUND ME as I had desperately needed, I don't think I would have done the worked needed - the work I needed to do on myself. Oh I didn't like knowing BEING ALONE was the best thing for me @ the time = feeling as though I too was missing out on many opportunities/events/gatherings, etcGod gave me THAT GIVE = OPPORTUNITY. He lined up all THOSE DUCKS - so that it all fell into place & I could do what I needed. That was also something I couldn't see in the beginning, lol. It was always sink or swim for me, due to my particular circumstance = work/get apt/work work some more. I didn't have the luxury to stop & heal myself. I now did. While it was hard/painful, being alone afforded me the chance to face/feel/deal/heal fr many things. For the 1st time in my life - I could FINALLY get it done w/ - heal fr the past + change those negative aspects of my personality that created my anxiety disorder + stop living in the past - as the past + learn to forgive & let go. All these things made possible by being home fo 3 1/2yrs, recovering.

I don't celebrate anxiety disorder @ all. I do celebrate the changes it forced me to make. Until it triggered, I was not aware - I was living a state of BEING = an existence I assumed was "normal" = this is me & this is my life. When anxiety disorder triggered - I realized(w/ help of my therapist, initially) that I did have a choice + this existence/state of being was a negative fausaud - I don' have to live/act/think/react this way - I can free myself fr the emotional burdens I had been carrying - I could LIGHTEN MY BURDEN & FREE MYSELF. Again, prior to anxiety disorder triggering, I wasn't even aware there was even a problem. It triggering showed me there was - it triggering gave me a 2ND CHANCE @ LIFE = being reborn, for I was able to unburden myself w/ many negative things.

Be patient w/ yourself & your recovery. Recovery takes time & hardwork. It doesn't happen overnight. Focus on the program, a little @ a time - 1 day @ a time. That program works, trust me. Make you & your recovery your priority. FOLLOW THE PROGRAM AS INSTRUCTED.Empower yourself. Knowledge is power - get books on anxiety disorder + on the internet - so you know what it is & as a result, will gain valuable knowledge on it - it will then lessen the fear. JOURNAL: this affords you the chance to get comfortable w/ what you're thinking & feeling - THEN to feel them = resolve/disolve/let go & move on. Exercise & diet play key roles EQUALLY in recovery. Initiate little changes - don't attempt to be JANE LALANE overnite. Remember, consistency ='s result.1 day @ a time, 1 physical activity @ a time, 1 meal @ a time, I CHOOSE TO MAKE HEALTHIER & BETTER CHOICES FOR ME. It's all those small little steps we take that DO ADD UP TO results.
I joined WEIGHT WATCHERS JUNE 2007. I was size 22 when I joined. In addition, having recovered fr anxiety - I was diangosed w/ DEPRESSION - 2 mths b/4 I joined. In this past year, I have been able to go fr size 22 to just about size 4. More important than size, though, is the fact: I don't need any cholesterol med + my depress med has been lowered several times - most recently this past week = I AM NOW ON THE LOWEST DOSAGE POSSIBLE + I am healthy(all tests done w/ my reg dr prove as much) - I have lost 67 lbs + I am happy. I don't think I can accurately articulate just how valuable EXERCISE & HEALTHY DIET are to recovery fr anxiety disorder & depresson. In addition, sweetie - while it is hard - it so empowers you big time. I am honest when I say, every single day I tried/fought hard & exercised & ate healthier - I heard that SONG "I am woman hear me roar", lol lol.

You will have your time on the beach - except you will feel the waves like never b/4 + you will feel the sand b/w your toes as never b/4 - cause you will have a new found appreciation for many things - you'll also be lighter fr ridding yourself of some negativity. Trust me, this is not your FOREVER. Be patient w/ yourself + empower yourself: the program/journaling/exercising - eating healthier/research-reading books on anxiety disorder. You are so much stronger than you realize - remember, anxiety will lie to you about all things you & your life - DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. You are a wonderful & beautiful & strong woman who is kicking anxiety's butt. Keep on going - setting realistic goals for yourself. This is your time to focus on you. No need to put pressure on yourself - you have what it takes - this journey is just to help you to realize that.

Hey, when you say the "SHORE" do you mean the JERSEY SHORE?

Your friend,

LENORE

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:57 am

Hi Lenore,

Thanks for your encouraging words and wonderful story of your journey. It was very inspiring to me. I think I do need to take this one step at a time and work on it one day at a time. It may take 5 months it may take 5 years but I will get there. I had a an anxiety free life up until the age of 23. I am thankful for the years of fun and good times I had and will work on getting back there again soon. Life isn't easy and isn't always fair so I need to make the best of what I'm living with and work on fixing it.

I also want to congratulate you on the hard work you have done, especially on your weight loss. That is a huge accomplishment and I'm sure was a huge help towards your anxiety.

And yes, I am talking about the jersey shore. I can't wait to be back there one day.

Gina