does starting to take good risks feel bad at first?

Maeggie · Post by **Maeggie** » Thu Mar 06, 2008 3:20 am

I need some help with this one, Im lost AGAIN like always: Im on session 8 guilt and it got me to thinking..

I work full time M-F 9-5 decent money for a grad. I have struggled with anxiety/depression for my whole life and ocd for about 5 years or so.. the program is helping greatly!

when I was growing up I was a competitive child riding horses internationally. Nonetheless I had to sell a horse whom I loved very much and trained due to college and a car. Everything went downhill mentally from there. She was my best friend.. I went through school and have been working for over a year in my career, also started riding again

last weekend by chance I went to an auction and by chance in the online catalogue there was a horse who had the same MOM as the one I sold!! what are the chances??! she wasnt at the auction the next day and I ask the office person for the womens number (I was more curious to meet the horse than seriously buying it) she said no due to confidentiality but slid the # under the counter anyways!??! so I called and went and saw her- she was lovely!! like my baby but different colour! soo I negotiated a crazy good price and am going to get her this weekend.. this morning I woke up with a cold and felt scared of this- horses are expensive to up keep! throughout the week I have been planning on where to keep her and getting food etc.. its adding up and the cheap horse has gotten expensive I am using my savings for this and am now worried im being silly and childish chasing a childhood dream- I know my anxiety and fear is holding me back but I cant help but wondering: DOES STARTING TO TAKE RISKS FEEL BAD AT FIRST?? I dont want to be this workaholic forever..

I work hard and will eventually be back on my feet although I want to buy a house with my spouse this spring too- can I do it all or is fear holding me back?!?

Should I go for it and deal with whatever it brings? am I letting the A&D get me again? am I thinking wrong? any help would be great I just cant seem to move past my fears and this is a big one- doing something I have always wanted, having a horse of my dreams?!?!

Thanks a million for reading and replying! all you forumers are god sent!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 06, 2008 3:28 am

Originally posted by Maeggie:
DOES STARTING TO TAKE RISKS FEEL BAD AT FIRST??

A: YES!

Look at it financially first, see if you can afford it. Any more added stressors like paying for your beautiful horse's upkeep won't help you enjoy her, and you definitely deserve to enjoy something you love.

...besides, maybe it's fate that you found her? <3

xoxo

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 06, 2008 3:48 am

Hi Jeni:

I needed your response terribly bad! I work off her board already at a friends beautiful barn (so its almost financial easier having a horse than working for free as I am now)and the other expenses can be arranged (for instance if I dont have the money she doesnt get new shavings in her stall that day..) but I completely agree financially- I have about $700 per month to save/play with.. so thats not an issue- its just the initial purchase and setting up! and starting to save my money again, its been nice having a pot of money

And your fate comment! yes! thats how I feel, I have been getting in touch with god, and this restored my faith in the universe! it was soo meant to be!

THANKS AGAIN JENNI!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 06, 2008 3:58 am

This doesn't sound like a silly and childish dream to me. Sounds like a realistic mature dream you've had for a long time. Of course though, none of us here know your exact financial situation so only you and your husband can determine if you can afford the horse. Sounds like you are very happy about finding the horse and may be EXCITED rather than ANXIOUS. Remember the session on telling yourself that this is excitement and not anxiety? Sometimes when we find something we really want and have wanted for a long time we find a way somehow to make it work. Us worriers can make even the smallest thing into a big risk when in reality the situation is workable. I'm excited for you to be this close to a dream you've had for a long time. Good Luck!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 06, 2008 4:21 am

Hi Mary,

Such a GOOD POINT! It is excitment! I will keep telling myself that! thanks so much! you explained it perfectly: this is something mature for me.. the financial aspect will come!

You have a real way of writing to make people feel calm and understood- amazing! thanks!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 06, 2008 4:58 am

Maeggie,
What better way to spend your time than on this beautiful horse who was probably born just for you (all the coincidences are so weird)? It sounds like this will be a huge step in you recovery. I'll bet not too long ago you couldn't have entertained the idea of having your own horse again. Bless your heart for saying "YES" to living a normal life again and "NO" to having idle time full of negative thoughts, fear and worry. .
What's her name?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 06, 2008 6:29 am

Honey that would give anyone cold feet after doing it...that's not A&D...that's being normal. Making huge decisions, such as this one, will always bring that angel and devil on your shoulders. You have to go with your gut...and I think you already know the answer. Enjoy your new horsie...I hope she is as good to you as your old one.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 06, 2008 6:31 am

My Angel Beverly:

You never cease to amaze me- thank you for your wonderful encouragement! you have been my shoulder to lean on lately, among other forumers, but your response was impecable as always

I truly believe this was meant to be.. and I appreciate your comment on saying 'yes' to a better life, I have NEVER thought about it that way! wow!

Her name currently is "Bree", was born "Chocolate" her registered name is "Chocomotion" and she is dark bay almost black no white accept for on her face, 4 years old..very tall! very pretty, laid back.. I am thinking of calling her "Faith" as it certainly fits, and I named her sister "Grace" when I had her.. any suggestions? I am open to anything..

Thanks again for the wonderful response sister!

How are you doing with everything?

epa · Post by **epa** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 5:11 pm

I think Faith is the perfect name.

P.S. Always wanted a daughter (redheaded) named Gracie- so pretty. Got one that looks like a strawberry blonde. We'll see.