Just curious to know if anxiety and depression can be made worse by being with someone that you dont know if you love. Since I have been married for about 2 yrs now my anxiety and depression have significantly worsened. Not sure if it's just the whole "new thing" that has caused these issues or if theres something more. How do you get to the bottom of your feelings. I know it sounds stupid because you should know if you love someone right??
But we have been together for awhile before marrying and things have gotten a little confusing..anyone else ever have these problems...??
I know this sounds horrible, but I just cant figure out what is going on with me and my marriage. I feel really bad because I think maybe I might have married someone that I didnt love totally to begin with. Please help...any advice....
unsure of partner??
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Guest
I can relate to that. I haven't figured it out yet. But, I've been with my husband for 20 years and sometimes I wonder if I had chosen a different life partner, if some of this would have been easier. You never know.
But, I did have some anxiety before we met so I'm sure that it would have come out anyway.
However, when I'm anxious, I'm questioning EVERYTHING, including my feelings for him. I mean, if I'm feeling all out of it about every little thing, he is just part of that.
We have been having a lot of conflict lately and I keep wondering what I'm doing here also. I still love him but I definitely don't like him right now.
But, I did have some anxiety before we met so I'm sure that it would have come out anyway.
However, when I'm anxious, I'm questioning EVERYTHING, including my feelings for him. I mean, if I'm feeling all out of it about every little thing, he is just part of that.
We have been having a lot of conflict lately and I keep wondering what I'm doing here also. I still love him but I definitely don't like him right now.
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Guest
Hi Blueskies,
I do understand about feeling confused about being with the right person. My first marriage was for many wrong reasons and after 15 years ended in divorce. I look back on it and know that I loved him but was not ever in love with him. He was a kind, gentle man and we are to this day good friends. We had 2 children together so we made sure they didn't suffer anymore than what the separation and divorce already caused.
I did fall in love with a wonderfull man and have been with him for 20 years now. When I find myself asking am I with the right person again I know I still am in love with him but my issues are the problem. The depression and mood swings and my old way of thinking is what was wrong. I looked to others to make me feel happy and now know that. I sat down one day and wrote all the good things about each of us and our marriage...then the areas that I thought were making me unsure. Well the good deffinately beat out the bad and I knew I had to fix myself and not him. I very easily could have really messed up all we are and have been had I not done this for us. There aren't a lot of good, kind, gentle, sincere, and so on single people out there and no guarantee the next will be any better for you so just do your lists and a lot of thinking about how or why you feel he may not be right for you. If you have no children yet then best to make the decision before hand. Kids do suffer from divorce. Only you know if he can or ever did give you a sparkle in your eyes or butterflies in your stomack and still does...ever. Hope this was some help!!!
Love yourself everyday.
I do understand about feeling confused about being with the right person. My first marriage was for many wrong reasons and after 15 years ended in divorce. I look back on it and know that I loved him but was not ever in love with him. He was a kind, gentle man and we are to this day good friends. We had 2 children together so we made sure they didn't suffer anymore than what the separation and divorce already caused.
I did fall in love with a wonderfull man and have been with him for 20 years now. When I find myself asking am I with the right person again I know I still am in love with him but my issues are the problem. The depression and mood swings and my old way of thinking is what was wrong. I looked to others to make me feel happy and now know that. I sat down one day and wrote all the good things about each of us and our marriage...then the areas that I thought were making me unsure. Well the good deffinately beat out the bad and I knew I had to fix myself and not him. I very easily could have really messed up all we are and have been had I not done this for us. There aren't a lot of good, kind, gentle, sincere, and so on single people out there and no guarantee the next will be any better for you so just do your lists and a lot of thinking about how or why you feel he may not be right for you. If you have no children yet then best to make the decision before hand. Kids do suffer from divorce. Only you know if he can or ever did give you a sparkle in your eyes or butterflies in your stomack and still does...ever. Hope this was some help!!!
Love yourself everyday.
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Guest
hi there. just wanted to share & hope it may help...the very start of the program had reviewed some personality traits of someone w/ anxiety(not sure if it was intro or session 1)well one of those traits that i KNOW i have was ALWAYS expecting more. i've picked apart many of the people sooo near and dear to me that it almost makes me feel ashamed! i was happy to hear that through this program i can learn some ways to appreciate instead of always expect more. and then there is that fine line between the above(give it a chance) AND "settling"---i'm sure making a list of pros & cons will help but unfortunately YOU are the only one w/ the ANSWER! i wish you the very best of luck.
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Guest
Well sometimes I wonder if I stayed with my partner because of my anxiety. I never thought anyone else would be interested in me and that I didnt really deserve anyone else. But while I have been going through the program I realize that of course I am a better person than what I thought.
I honestly dont know if I love him and thats not fair for him or me. He deserves someone that loves him fully for him. I realize that people have spats and marriage is not easy but at the end of the day even after all the fights/misunderstandings I feel like you should still be able to say...hey i love him and thats that. But I find myself wanting out all the time.
I have made a list of pros and cons, but that doesnt really help me, because on paper it looks great but I think it's what you feel in your heart and thats what is lacking for me. I know I am scared to think about leaving because maybe no one else would love me the way he does. And yes I have wondered about if I am expecting too much out of him. I know I have in the past.
If you think about wanting to be with other people throughout the day....is that normal, is it just a thought, or is it just me wanting something more.....
thanks for the advice....maybe i should try another list just to be sure
I also feel like
I honestly dont know if I love him and thats not fair for him or me. He deserves someone that loves him fully for him. I realize that people have spats and marriage is not easy but at the end of the day even after all the fights/misunderstandings I feel like you should still be able to say...hey i love him and thats that. But I find myself wanting out all the time.
I have made a list of pros and cons, but that doesnt really help me, because on paper it looks great but I think it's what you feel in your heart and thats what is lacking for me. I know I am scared to think about leaving because maybe no one else would love me the way he does. And yes I have wondered about if I am expecting too much out of him. I know I have in the past.
If you think about wanting to be with other people throughout the day....is that normal, is it just a thought, or is it just me wanting something more.....
thanks for the advice....maybe i should try another list just to be sure
I also feel like
Hi Blue Skies,
I just want to let you know you are not alone in this issue.I've been married alot longer than you, and let me tell you, it's real emotional torture being married to someone that you "think" you don't love. I'm married 20 years to someone that even while we were in engaged I had big doubts about marrying him, but was not a strong enough person to break the engagement....after we got married, the kids came quick and we had 5 kids in the first 8 years of marriage, and with each kid, I sank deeper into the throes of the marriage, not because I was happy, but how do you get divorced when all these little kids love their Daddy? I had anxiety and depression and did not have enough self confidence to put my own needs first. And honestly, I still don't. But, with the program, I can feel my self esteem and inner sense of self growing. I don't know what will happen to me/us in terms of our marriage, but I just want to tell you that ABSOLUTELY being in the "wrong" relationship can definetly increase your anxiety and stress. There's all that stress to "love him" (when you know deep inside that you don't), and you feel guilty that you don't love him enough, or the way you want to love him, or he wants you to love him. I also think almost every day about leaving, and finding someone else, but the big difference between me and you - is children. I really encourage you to look deeply and honestly at your feelings, and don't be afraid of them. Staying in a relationship with someone because you think no one else will love you ("like he does") is just not true. If he's not the right one for you, it doesn't matter how much he loves you - if it doesn't touch your heart.
Wishing you the best of luck,I know the inner battles you are going through...
Elisheva
I just want to let you know you are not alone in this issue.I've been married alot longer than you, and let me tell you, it's real emotional torture being married to someone that you "think" you don't love. I'm married 20 years to someone that even while we were in engaged I had big doubts about marrying him, but was not a strong enough person to break the engagement....after we got married, the kids came quick and we had 5 kids in the first 8 years of marriage, and with each kid, I sank deeper into the throes of the marriage, not because I was happy, but how do you get divorced when all these little kids love their Daddy? I had anxiety and depression and did not have enough self confidence to put my own needs first. And honestly, I still don't. But, with the program, I can feel my self esteem and inner sense of self growing. I don't know what will happen to me/us in terms of our marriage, but I just want to tell you that ABSOLUTELY being in the "wrong" relationship can definetly increase your anxiety and stress. There's all that stress to "love him" (when you know deep inside that you don't), and you feel guilty that you don't love him enough, or the way you want to love him, or he wants you to love him. I also think almost every day about leaving, and finding someone else, but the big difference between me and you - is children. I really encourage you to look deeply and honestly at your feelings, and don't be afraid of them. Staying in a relationship with someone because you think no one else will love you ("like he does") is just not true. If he's not the right one for you, it doesn't matter how much he loves you - if it doesn't touch your heart.
Wishing you the best of luck,I know the inner battles you are going through...
Elisheva
ANGELS CAN FLY BECAUSE THEY TAKE THEMSELVES LIGHTLY
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Grandpopajohn
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 6:11 am
I can relate. I find myself wishing I could move on. But, I have two reasons for not doing so. . . my two kids and my committment to marriage in a church in front of God and my family.
I feel trapped sometimes. I find myself wondering how long I'll live or how long he'll live since I made that promise of "til death do us part." I know that sounds awful but I honestly do have those thoughts. I think, OK . . .I'm 40, I've been with him 20 years, so now I'll probaby have at least another 30 or so. . .so I'm 2/5 of the way there.
I have loved him and I have had that flutter in my heart when he walks in the room during many times of my life. But, it's such a roller coaster and I'm at a point now where I'm not sure I want to jump back on again and hope that it will stay good. So I am trying to find a way to be less emotionally invested in whether he wants to be nice or not.
I feel trapped sometimes. I find myself wondering how long I'll live or how long he'll live since I made that promise of "til death do us part." I know that sounds awful but I honestly do have those thoughts. I think, OK . . .I'm 40, I've been with him 20 years, so now I'll probaby have at least another 30 or so. . .so I'm 2/5 of the way there.
I have loved him and I have had that flutter in my heart when he walks in the room during many times of my life. But, it's such a roller coaster and I'm at a point now where I'm not sure I want to jump back on again and hope that it will stay good. So I am trying to find a way to be less emotionally invested in whether he wants to be nice or not.
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Guest
Elisheva....everything you said sounds exactly like me! I too had doubts marrying my husband, and I had no self confidence. I didnt think I was strong enough to do it by myself and in a way I felt obligated. Thank you so much for your post. Honestly I would love to have kids but something inside me keeps resisting having kids with him.
Elisheva I wish you the best of luck with your problems as well. Just because you have kids doesnt mean you have to stay for the long haul. I know when you have kids it's not just about you anymore. But YOU deserve to be happy as well. I hope this program really helps you see that.
Your situation is just like mine. Im glad you posted your thoughts and experiences for me. It gives me a lot of things to think about. If you ever wanna talk dont hesitate to pm me. It makes me feel much better knowing I am not the only one. I think I would feel better just being by myself for awhile. These feelings and emotions are so confusing....
Thanks for your post as well, Faith. You are never trapped unless you wanna be. I can see why people feel that way but there are always opprotunities. Obviously that is not a good way to look at your marriage, you should be able to enjoy life with someone, not look forward to death to be away from them. That's very depressing....you should look forward to living with someone and enjoying your life. Hope things look up for you faith.
Elisheva I wish you the best of luck with your problems as well. Just because you have kids doesnt mean you have to stay for the long haul. I know when you have kids it's not just about you anymore. But YOU deserve to be happy as well. I hope this program really helps you see that.
Your situation is just like mine. Im glad you posted your thoughts and experiences for me. It gives me a lot of things to think about. If you ever wanna talk dont hesitate to pm me. It makes me feel much better knowing I am not the only one. I think I would feel better just being by myself for awhile. These feelings and emotions are so confusing....
Thanks for your post as well, Faith. You are never trapped unless you wanna be. I can see why people feel that way but there are always opprotunities. Obviously that is not a good way to look at your marriage, you should be able to enjoy life with someone, not look forward to death to be away from them. That's very depressing....you should look forward to living with someone and enjoying your life. Hope things look up for you faith.
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Guest
Thanks. Sorry to be such a downer. I should probably keep those thoughts inside my head LOL
It's just frustrating. We went to a marriage conference and were doing well for a few weeks and I was thinking maybe we'd have fun again. But one fight and BINGO we're back where we started. Only almost worse because now I have something good to compare it to. Before it had just been junk for several years. You compare that to junk and it's not so bad. Compare it to a few weeks of 'normal' and it seem horrible.
It's just frustrating. We went to a marriage conference and were doing well for a few weeks and I was thinking maybe we'd have fun again. But one fight and BINGO we're back where we started. Only almost worse because now I have something good to compare it to. Before it had just been junk for several years. You compare that to junk and it's not so bad. Compare it to a few weeks of 'normal' and it seem horrible.
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Guest
Dear BlueSkies,
Thank you for your reply and words of support. You know, I once spoke to my sister about my situation, and she said the EXACT same words to me. She said she couldn't tell me what to do (in terms of staying in or leaving the marriage), but she did tell me that I do have a right to be happy. I feel like I'm still sort of far away from completely grasping this idea, but I'm working towards it. To really feel it inside, and not just as an intellectual thing.
I wish that I had moved out many years ago, to at least to have given myself the time to myself, to figure out what it was/is I wanted. Maybe I would have decided to get divorced, or maybe even opted to return to the marriage, but at least it would have been MY CHOICE, instead of me continuing on in the marriage because of my fears of leaving. Kind of like being the helpless victim. Do you understand what I'm saying.
It would be nice to stay in touch, but I'm not sure what pm means. Is that private mail?
Ok, wishing you the best,
for now,
Elisheva
Thank you for your reply and words of support. You know, I once spoke to my sister about my situation, and she said the EXACT same words to me. She said she couldn't tell me what to do (in terms of staying in or leaving the marriage), but she did tell me that I do have a right to be happy. I feel like I'm still sort of far away from completely grasping this idea, but I'm working towards it. To really feel it inside, and not just as an intellectual thing.
I wish that I had moved out many years ago, to at least to have given myself the time to myself, to figure out what it was/is I wanted. Maybe I would have decided to get divorced, or maybe even opted to return to the marriage, but at least it would have been MY CHOICE, instead of me continuing on in the marriage because of my fears of leaving. Kind of like being the helpless victim. Do you understand what I'm saying.
It would be nice to stay in touch, but I'm not sure what pm means. Is that private mail?
Ok, wishing you the best,
for now,
Elisheva