Sticky, Icky Anxiety Producing Situation -- Support?

lilsismj · Post by **lilsismj** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:15 am

Ok, so as many of you know, I have had a ton of medical situations that I've dealt with and a bit of a cancer scare...but physically everything is ok.

Because of that, I think it triggered a very good old friend of mine to express his true feelings for me. While we have been friends for quite some time, we work very closely together also. I only recently have felt feelings for him as well, especially AFTER he told me how he felt.

Ok, so here's the situation: He is married and has three children. Now, before you faint from shock, just know that nothing has happened between us and nothing is going to happen between the two of us. However, it's a can of worms that we opened by talking about our feelings -- and now we have to find a way to put them back in the can.

Because we are friends, we have been able to be completely honest with each other -- which has been good and bad. After I talked to my therapist last night on the best way to deal with it, she told me that she thought perhaps I am going through an awakening of feelings I have not let myself feel for a long time. My male friend is close, accessible and has many characteristics i would want in a partner.

we talked this morning and agreed that we are not going to talk about our feelings anymore. We are going to work toward maintaining our friendship and boundaries.

I want to be able to do this so much, but I feel like a hot mess! I am having wicked anxiety, hot flashes, you name it. And I just don't really know what to do with myself to comfort myself while I work on what I need to work on.

Has anyone else been in a stick situation? Please tell me i can get through this! And if you have any advice on how, I would love to know that as well.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:43 am

well I havent been in your specific situation but our guts will usually guide us to what we really want and need. If your feeling this senssations of anxiety I think that you need to think why are you so unsettled with this decision?

Whats wrong with pursueing this relationship if hes everything youve ever wanted in a man whats the problem...Life is short and you should live it best you can to be happy.

Many people search forever to find true love and never find it you might have but wont give it a chance to blossom.

Its just a thought..hope it helps.
dodger

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:46 am

Yes, you can get through this. Tell yourself....."What goes around comes around!" and for a person who needs to be needed it is easy to get sucked in. Ask the man if his feelings are so strong for you when will his divorce be final so you two can really pick up & start a life together? There is another person at the end of this triangle and my guess is she does not need him as much as you may at this point because she is possibly secure in her relationship or she's just waiting for the chance to jump ship. A cad can't really hide his true self from someone who knows him intimately and that would be his wife not his friend. Do yourself a favor & wonder if he can do this with me & he is married how many other me's could he be doing this with? Tell him friendship is being friendly not selfish.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:47 am

The problem is -- he's married and has three kids. I am not going to be that woman, and I do believe that are other men out there that can offer me the same type of partnership. I just need to figure out how to heal my heart and still be able to work with him.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:48 am

It's going to be really hard to continue to be "good friends" with these feelings and no have anything ever happen. Just because you don't "talk" about your feelings doesn't mean that they go away...
I don't mean to be negative, I just know because (God forgive me) I have been in the same situation and it evolved even though we both tried to fight our feelings. We ended up having a year long affair before he left his wife and we have been together for 3 years now. It has been VERY difficult for everyone involved and has caused a lot of people a great deal of pain. I'm not saying that I regret it (as bad as that may sound) - but I am saying I wouldn't ever want to have to go through that kind of pain again or have to put others through it. I love my boyfriend VERY much, but we do have our share of problems so the saying that "the grass ain't always grener on the other side" is a true as true can be.
If you want my honest advise, I would say you need to remove yourself from the friendship unless you're ready to go down that path because believe me, you can't fight it.
Best of luck to you!

stephyannette · Post by **stephyannette** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:55 am

"I just need to figure out how to heal my heart and still be able to work with him."

Pray for help healing & ask for a x-fer.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:58 am

OKAY SORRY I reread the post...I totally didnt see the part that he was married.

That changes everything. Your right hes married and you must let it go. In my opinion no freinds either if its too hard then you cant make yourself sick over it.

wow I really missed that one. Im way to distracted.
sorry lil
dodger

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 4:05 am

Well I would have to disagree with Dodger...I don't think anyone should be pursuing a married person, but maybe that is just me.

Here is what I think...and you know what they say about opinions

I think you are feeling these feelings out of excitement and yet fear because you know nothing can happen between you and him. Maybe somewhere inside you feel a tad guilty about feeling them because he is married...some people do feel that...but you really shouldn't. It isn't uncommon for someone to feel things for their friends...even if they are in a relationship. Actually, I think it is quite normal...call it a fantasy. I've felt things for other friends even though I know I would never do anything, I'm sure my fiance has felt the same. It brings some sort of excitement in our lives even for just a short while. Those feelings always pass but it might take a week or two. This could be what is happening between the two of you. Maybe he always felt this way but thought he had no chance so moved on...going through your health issues, it can make people spill their feelings...know what I mean? You also said that you felt something after he told you his feelings first. Could it be at all possible that these comments made you feel good and loved and this is why you are reacting the way you are? Who wouldn't like to hear those things said to them? I don't know where I'm going with this really...being at work I've been interrupted several times so this may come out sounding like jibberish...but I think what you have decided to do is a good decision. There's no reason to end the friendship, but maybe shy away from talking about romantic feelings and stick to how things were before. *hugs*

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 4:52 am

TL7 I do hope and think you may be right and it is pretty close to what my therapist said. He is going through a rough time of his own and I do believe that my grass may look greener in fantasy, but not reality.

I hope these feelings do fade in a few weeks. I wish I knew how to help them fade. And, i do not want to be anticipatory all the time, which I feel like I am right now.

However, this all did just happen yesterday. So the wound in fresh and the feelings (sadness, fear,etc) are STRONG.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 5:50 am

In response to one of the responses, what's wrong with pursuing this relationship is that this man is a father with children counting on him, not to mention his wife that he made a committment to, who evidently trusts him enough to not have a problem with him having a female friend. If I were you, I'd really back away. That is my 2 cents & I'm stickin' to it!