veterans -help please
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Mary Wargo
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:37 pm
I am having the most difficult time with figuring out what my secondary gains are. Every time I think I 'have it' and think I know what they are I change my mind. It is so hard to be objective about yourself that I am wondering if a second party is necessary for this process???? Any suggestions on this or how you came to realize it in your own program work would be greatly appreciated. I don't feel I'm being truly honest with myself on this, and not sure how to get to the truth.
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karenLeigh
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Tue May 20, 2008 3:35 pm
Sometimes we just dont get all our answers clear cut....and thats ok.....it is possible that your secondary gain is not a huge thing. It could be as simple as by having anxiety you avoid what makes you feel nervous.
For instance if you have to go to a party and your nervous to go and your anxiety kicks in and you end up not going because of it you are gaining the avoidance of the party. Or another example might be if you have some high stress in your life right now....finances, relationships, job, kids....anxiety comes on stronger when we are overwhelmed....Our minds are distracting us from dealing with those issues because to think of them at the time is just so upsetting.
Dont get too worried if your secondary gains are not huge or if you just cant seem to figure one out...I dont think that we need to have all the information in black and white to live happy. There are a lot of questions in life go unaswered. If youve gotten this far in the program then your doing a fine job and your life should be showing some clear signs of improving. Contratulations and keep up the good work.
Dodger
For instance if you have to go to a party and your nervous to go and your anxiety kicks in and you end up not going because of it you are gaining the avoidance of the party. Or another example might be if you have some high stress in your life right now....finances, relationships, job, kids....anxiety comes on stronger when we are overwhelmed....Our minds are distracting us from dealing with those issues because to think of them at the time is just so upsetting.
Dont get too worried if your secondary gains are not huge or if you just cant seem to figure one out...I dont think that we need to have all the information in black and white to live happy. There are a lot of questions in life go unaswered. If youve gotten this far in the program then your doing a fine job and your life should be showing some clear signs of improving. Contratulations and keep up the good work.
Dodger
"Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world".
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Guest
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Guest
I checked in online early this morning and was hopeful to see a lot of examples when I checked in again this evening. I wish more veterans would give examples because there are plenty of us currently working through this program for the first time who get hung up on this. If anyone reads this and has some good stuff to share, please share. I still have a journal page that heads "secondary gains" followed by a blank sheet of paper.
Dodger, thanks for your tips, but I still am a bit
Dodger, thanks for your tips, but I still am a bit
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Guest
This was a tough one for me also, I mean who would think we get "anything" "anything" out of having lightheadedness, off-balance feelings, feeling of doom around the corner,etc!!!!!!
At first I thought how sick is this, that I would actually WANT something from feeling this way.
BUT.......for me it was a way to NOT deal with some things, just as Lucinda stated. My first panic/anxiety attack happened at school aobut 2 years ago, I'm a teacher, luckily it was before any kids were in class. I had no idea what happened to me. I had some life stuff going on, normal stuff, moving in with boyfriend (we are now HAPPILY married), living 45 minutes from family (they were right down the street before). Parents getting older, I'm getting older (about to turn 42), we've had a good life, when is the other "shoe" going to drop.....
So I believe the anxiety came from that, the not knowing how to deal with it all at once. Plus I believe hormones have played a role in all of this. Hence my replies on the Perimenopause + anxiety thread.
Once I recognized what all this was and what I was "gaining" I was able to sort some of it out. By realizing that I didn't owe anyone an explanation of my life, except me. Some of the stuff I am still working on, but thats okay. I still don't want to deal with death and dying, wether it be my husband, parents or whatever. My husband says I will come into it in time, he has already had his parents pass on and has dealt with it. He has taught me to be thankful for all the time I've had and look forward to more time, make the best of what you have while you have it. Have no regrets.
I still get some body symptoms, like the lightheadedness (but after 2 years) and tracking it, I see that it is hormonal. STILL BUGS ME, but at least I can get a handle on it.
On tape 15, Mike says "If you can't find what it is, just LET IT GO" or something along those lines. And through time it makes sense. Like Dodger said, you have done a great job with the program, there are some things there is just no answer for.
I hope this helps some. I did the program 2 years ago now, but I still refer to the tapes when I need some help.
At first I thought how sick is this, that I would actually WANT something from feeling this way.
BUT.......for me it was a way to NOT deal with some things, just as Lucinda stated. My first panic/anxiety attack happened at school aobut 2 years ago, I'm a teacher, luckily it was before any kids were in class. I had no idea what happened to me. I had some life stuff going on, normal stuff, moving in with boyfriend (we are now HAPPILY married), living 45 minutes from family (they were right down the street before). Parents getting older, I'm getting older (about to turn 42), we've had a good life, when is the other "shoe" going to drop.....
So I believe the anxiety came from that, the not knowing how to deal with it all at once. Plus I believe hormones have played a role in all of this. Hence my replies on the Perimenopause + anxiety thread.
Once I recognized what all this was and what I was "gaining" I was able to sort some of it out. By realizing that I didn't owe anyone an explanation of my life, except me. Some of the stuff I am still working on, but thats okay. I still don't want to deal with death and dying, wether it be my husband, parents or whatever. My husband says I will come into it in time, he has already had his parents pass on and has dealt with it. He has taught me to be thankful for all the time I've had and look forward to more time, make the best of what you have while you have it. Have no regrets.
I still get some body symptoms, like the lightheadedness (but after 2 years) and tracking it, I see that it is hormonal. STILL BUGS ME, but at least I can get a handle on it.
On tape 15, Mike says "If you can't find what it is, just LET IT GO" or something along those lines. And through time it makes sense. Like Dodger said, you have done a great job with the program, there are some things there is just no answer for.
I hope this helps some. I did the program 2 years ago now, but I still refer to the tapes when I need some help.
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Guest
Thanks Cheri- got me thinking about what I don't want to deal with. Thought I had dropped the fear of the anxiety but there still may be some things I'm avoiding. You're right, now I remember the tape stating that if you can't find what it is, just let it go. Maybe that's part of my problem - hard time of letting anything go. lol Thanks again, guess I wasn't the only one finding this a little difficult.
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Guest
Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got this. I really finally understand it.
If it was easy for others, I'm glad. It wasn't easy for me. Mary, thanks a million for pointing out Carolyn's explanation from another post.
My big realization was I really truly don't do anything unless there is a payoff. My example: I stayed in a marriage for many years, knew I did not love him, I knew he needed me to pay his tuition and provide him with a nice home. I stayed because it seemed better than being alone. And now I also understand, the payoff was a lie. I told myself it was better than being alone. Truth is, I was already alone.
The PAYOFF was avoiding being alone. The PAYMENT was I remained in the bad marriage.
I just got this. I really finally understand it.
If it was easy for others, I'm glad. It wasn't easy for me. Mary, thanks a million for pointing out Carolyn's explanation from another post.
My big realization was I really truly don't do anything unless there is a payoff. My example: I stayed in a marriage for many years, knew I did not love him, I knew he needed me to pay his tuition and provide him with a nice home. I stayed because it seemed better than being alone. And now I also understand, the payoff was a lie. I told myself it was better than being alone. Truth is, I was already alone.
The PAYOFF was avoiding being alone. The PAYMENT was I remained in the bad marriage.
Last edited by pecos on Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Guest
Thanks to all of you for your posts on this topic!!! It is so reassuring to read that others are going/have gone through the same things that I am.
You all just helped me to realize that my spurts of anxiety are related to my being overwhelmed with life issues right now. Plus I also get the hormonal induced anxiety as well. This is my second time through the program and I'm finally getting it. Thanks again for helping me figure this out. You've done more for me in this one post than a therapist did for me in 2 wasted sessions.
You all just helped me to realize that my spurts of anxiety are related to my being overwhelmed with life issues right now. Plus I also get the hormonal induced anxiety as well. This is my second time through the program and I'm finally getting it. Thanks again for helping me figure this out. You've done more for me in this one post than a therapist did for me in 2 wasted sessions.