Ok lets talk about something other than anxiety!!

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medgrl
Posts: 24
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 9:19 am

Post by medgrl » Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:46 am

Heres another problem that I hope you all can help with. I have a guy interested in me and I feel NO physical attraction to him whatsoever. He is a very nice, kind, caring person but I feel nothing for him. Can you learn to find someone attractive? Is it better to forget him and tell him it will not work? Am I being a total jerk for not seeing past the physical part? Hope you all can help.......thanks again you guys are life savers!!

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Jun 04, 2008 12:20 pm

Hey Medgrl, I like your Post and it is a valid question! The person of whom you speak is someone I would refer to as an associate. If he becomes too persistent, you might just say how you wouldn’t want to ruin a "good friendship" by getting all mushy or something. If he doesn’t get the message you may want to be more firm and direct. Medgrl, you are never a jerk for respecting your own preferences and desires. You will find the right one.
That is what this program teaches... To have self-respect and good self-esteem! Keep taking good care of yourself, Seadog

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:13 pm

As you get to know him, the attraction may develop. Take it slow- physically. Give it a shot, and if it doesn't come for you, you'll feel better knowing you tried.

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:11 pm

Obviously your going to get conflicting advice from us, but I would say seadog's advice is spot on.

You have no obligation to go out with every guy that is interested in you. If you feel nothing for him, you feel nothing for him. That doesn't make you a jerk. And why would you want to "learn" to find someone attractive?

h.beth
Posts: 83
Joined: Tue Dec 13, 2005 7:44 pm

Post by h.beth » Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:39 am

Truthfully, i would say as a female, you have found a good friend. Maybe not a boyfriend, but maybe a lifetime friend. Unless he isnt interested in just being friends. However, i would tell him how you felt before he gets his hope up. If leaves,, then you met someone nice, if he stays, you may well become very good friends. take care Nelly:)

Craw
Posts: 118
Joined: Tue Oct 16, 2001 3:00 am

Post by Craw » Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:48 am

I've been there many times myself. I remember people saying just go out so you get the free dinner but I couldn't lead someone on for a free meal. In most of those cases it wasn't always an attraction thing but other factors; job history, alcohol use, etc. I met my husband online and honestly if we hadn't met that way we would have never gone out. I almost didn't even give him a chance online but he met all my criteria on his profile. Even seeing him the first time made me think this date won't last long. Three weeks later we were engaged so you just have to figure out why you are against this. If anything you might get another friend.
Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.
~John F. Kennedy

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:57 am

How long have you been friends? If it's been very long, I have to agree that you should move on...and let him move on, as well. It seems a shame to throw back a good "catch", but if all of the elements needed for a romance are not there, I don't think you can force yourself to feel things you just don't. If you could remain friends, that would be terrific, in my opinion. Who knows what the future may bring? Regardless, I think it's healthy and insightful that you see a problem and want to resolve it. I don't think you should feel guilty for doing what is best for you! Best wishes,
Donna

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Jun 05, 2008 3:49 am

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I am so unsure what to do here. He is such a nice person and I do not want to lose his friendship but that is all there will ever be. I have told him this and he seems to accept it but then if I talk about dating someone else or going out with them he says it makes him very jealous. Another thing, he is 13 yrs older than me and although age should not be a big factor the diffrece is just to much for me. Thanks again everyone, you are always a big help to me.

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:16 am

He is a very nice, kind, caring person but I feel nothing for him. Can you learn to find someone attractive? Is it better to forget him and tell him it will not work? Am I being a total jerk for not seeing past the physical part?
When I met my husband, I was not physically attracted to him. He is the same height and weight as me. (5' 7" & 130 lbs) "My kind of guy" had to be at least several inches taller than me and have some meat on them. I like em built, not like a "muscle head" but built nice. We were set up by a mutual friend and his cousin. Anyhow, I thought he was very sweet, caring, gentle and PLUS he was taking care of his daughter. (financially and with having her every other weekend) I saw him as responsible, so that was a huge plus :D . But then when he was cooking dinner for me, I saw this lanky guy with a unibrow wearing the Tasmanian Devil tee shirts, Levi's that just hung like bulky drapery, a chain wallet and these Red Wing motorcycle boots EVEN in 100 degree weather. :( I was used to guys that at least wore a casual shirt and regular shoes (minus the unibrow!).

Well the more I got to know him, the more I liked him :) . His heart is SO big, he is SO patient and SO understanding. He is genuine, honest, giving...he is my best friend and my husband. Now when I look into his eyes, all I see is the GOOD person he is and that is SO attractive. It matters not that he has "chicky legs" or is short in my book. (yes the man has put on 25 lbs since I met him...and I have put on a bit more than that which he has not said a word except for me NOT to lose that "trunk" :o ) What matters is that we love and admire the person, their morals, their values, the generous heart, the patient soul, etc, etc. I have gone out with guys I just thought were SOOOOO hot, but the personality was NOT there, so no matter how much I was physically attracted to them, that is all there was. Most those guys were after one thing too, so I was not interested in just lust. I wanted LOVE! TREU love that is lasting! I have seen some of these "hot guys" (and girls) over the past 15-20 years...and they are not as hot or even"hot" anymore.

Well over the 13 years together (11 married) he has evolved. His tee shirts are for sleeping in, those boots are for yard work and that wallet, I think he gave it to his nephew. In any case, he still is the same on the inside. Our love for one another has grown deep and continues to grow as the months go by. Next weekend we are spending a day with our church to serve others in our community. I think THAT is sexy! For a guy to think about someone other than himself...sitting around watching a ballgame, or tinkering around in the garage, sitting with friends...HE wants to go help others WITH me! He wants to do this together. THAT says mountains to me at least about his character. There also is just SO much he does for the people he works with...if they are short on money he helps them, if they are having problems at home he gives an ear to them....he just has such a KIND heart. I can say with confidence NONE of those guys I was physically attracted to (or lusted over) even come close to the man my husband is.

Looks fade, but the person that is on the inside will still remain. :D I am lucky, SO SO SO very lucky that I have that treasure.

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:17 am

Oh yeah, my husband is 8 years my senior!

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