How my anxiety and depression started
I have done alot of thinking the past few days about myself. Truth is I have struggled with self-esteem issues for a good part of my life. I experienced a fall when I was three yrs. old that resulted in a skull fracture and a deaf right ear. When I was 17, I experienced another head injury in a high-school football game. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and on the way went blind due to the brain swelling and was also having breathing problems. I recovered my vision as the swelling went down, but for weeks after that injury I was literally a zombie. That was the last time I ever played organized football. I eventually went on to college and graduated, got married and am now 28 yrs. old and going through this program that may very well have helped me much earlier in life had I known about it. To tie everything together, my self-esteem suffered tremendously in my early years because I was constantly teased and degraded for being deaf. I was the type of kid that was very shy and sensitive so I didn't stand up for myself until I was about 18 yrs. old. The first time I really stood up was a very empowering experience in my life and I went on to college with a newfound sense of self-confidence. After college, I felt really good about myself, but things started going awry in my job search and the low self-esteem started creeping back in. I majored in Criminology in college and wanted to become join the military and then go on to become a federal agent. I was turned down on several occasions due to my hearing problem. At first I felt extremely angry and used that energy to keep going. I remember telling myself that noone is going to tell me I can't do something, but eventually it got the best of me. I am now 28 yrs. old and have been bouncing around in different jobs for 5 yrs. I have only been full-time employed for about 1 yr. out of the 5. My wife is full-time employed so we are okay financially, but I know this cannot continue forever. I sunk into a deep depression around the age of 24, started experiencing panic attacks, and had extreme anxiety. I lost 90% of the self-esteem I had built while in college. When I think about my 28 yrs. on this earth, it struck me that I have battled myself for almost the entire time. I am not going ot change being deaf or the fact that I never got to play my senior year in football and possibly go on to college or that I will never wear the uniform of the US military or federal agent, but I can change my future for the better. Question is how do I put awa these hurt feelings and angry feelings and bitter feelings to move on and become the best adult I can be?
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Guest
Hi Tigerman-
Wow- your story made me do a lot of thinking. I suffered with anxiety and depression since I was 4 and am 33 now. I do understand where you are coming from.
I still have problems with blame, regret, anger and "what-if" about what I've gone through. Sometimes I just sit and wonder about all sorts of things. But, I got this program because of a major panic attack had finally forced me to cancel something that I really wanted to do. That was a wake-up call.
Here's the thing: We can continue to regret and blame and be angry for the things we've had to endure. We can let them hold us back and make us weak, but then we are letting the past and what happened become our Ruler. We end up bowing down to those issues and problems we had to face - and face them all over again - over and over.
Think of all the time we waste by thinking of our past and what we could have done differently. We are letting it rob us of what is going on today, which in turn, makes us wish we had done "today" differently. Our future is up to us. We write it based on how we live today.
With that in mind, I agree whole-heartedly on writing in the journal for 5 minutes, writing a new "bio" every 2 weeks and then shredding it, and of course, "re-writing" our negative thoughts into positive ones. All of these exercises are for our benefit. We will learn about ourselves and help mend our thoughts about the past.
By the way, we can change our self-esteem and our negative energy and thoughts into a highly creative and positive energy by using this process and the others in the program. It is a proactive approach to accomplishing the success and happiness we deserve in our life.
Good luck to you and to your success. -J
Wow- your story made me do a lot of thinking. I suffered with anxiety and depression since I was 4 and am 33 now. I do understand where you are coming from.
I still have problems with blame, regret, anger and "what-if" about what I've gone through. Sometimes I just sit and wonder about all sorts of things. But, I got this program because of a major panic attack had finally forced me to cancel something that I really wanted to do. That was a wake-up call.
Here's the thing: We can continue to regret and blame and be angry for the things we've had to endure. We can let them hold us back and make us weak, but then we are letting the past and what happened become our Ruler. We end up bowing down to those issues and problems we had to face - and face them all over again - over and over.
Think of all the time we waste by thinking of our past and what we could have done differently. We are letting it rob us of what is going on today, which in turn, makes us wish we had done "today" differently. Our future is up to us. We write it based on how we live today.
With that in mind, I agree whole-heartedly on writing in the journal for 5 minutes, writing a new "bio" every 2 weeks and then shredding it, and of course, "re-writing" our negative thoughts into positive ones. All of these exercises are for our benefit. We will learn about ourselves and help mend our thoughts about the past.
By the way, we can change our self-esteem and our negative energy and thoughts into a highly creative and positive energy by using this process and the others in the program. It is a proactive approach to accomplishing the success and happiness we deserve in our life.
Good luck to you and to your success. -J
I can really relate to your story. I by no means have suffered the physical trauma you have, but I too, at 24 just got hit with the anxiety, panic attacks and depression this year, not long after graduating college. I too look back and see how insecure I was when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of life stressors piling on to help create all this, but I think really the fear of the future and the fear of failure are something we all have in common. I really excelled in college. I loved it. After graduating, I took a trip to Taiwan and NY to dance (I'm a dancer and majored in dance in college) and then when it was over I felt so lost. What now?! It's like all you see is 75 empty years in front of you and what are you going to do with your life. Better not screw up! That was the way I thought.
I've gotten SO much better thanks to God and to this program and hours and hours of research. I've realized people like us have to take life in smaller increments. We can't overwhelm ourselves and changing our thought pattern is KEY! Also, my faith in God is what got me in the darkest moments of suffering this, because when it comes down to it and when it was scary, he was the only thing one who really knew how I was feeling.
This has been the biggest learning experience of my life thus far, and in a weird way I'm thankful for it, because now, I never take the good tims/days/moments for granted. It may not seem like it in the thick of it, but we are all so strong after dealing with this.
I've gotten SO much better thanks to God and to this program and hours and hours of research. I've realized people like us have to take life in smaller increments. We can't overwhelm ourselves and changing our thought pattern is KEY! Also, my faith in God is what got me in the darkest moments of suffering this, because when it comes down to it and when it was scary, he was the only thing one who really knew how I was feeling.
This has been the biggest learning experience of my life thus far, and in a weird way I'm thankful for it, because now, I never take the good tims/days/moments for granted. It may not seem like it in the thick of it, but we are all so strong after dealing with this.
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Guest
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Guest
keepontruckin,
that is some really good advice.
i come from a theatrical background, and when i graduated from college, i said to myself: "ok, now what? how am i going to take care of myself financially?"
i never want to be a "starving artist", so for the past 7 years I have avoided the stage while trying to get my financial life in order.
When will I return to acting and directing? for the past 7 years it has been when I have enough money, or am in the right position financially. i keep telling myself that it is coming, but i keep delaying what i truly am passionate about in part due to fear of failure (putting all of my eggs in the acting/directing business and failing- that's alot of broken eggs)- (is this all or nothing thinking again?) and because of procrastination.
i recently got married and we are pregnant and expecting our first child in May. i was relieved to get the news, because my wife is ready to start a family and here i sit, once again agonizing over finishing up my masters degree to get a job that i enjoy AND that would give me the free time to "play".
i truly believe that this is a vicious cycle in my own life. it will never be "perfect". there will never be the "perfect" amount of money in my bank account. there will always be bills.
but there won't always be time.
i have been seeing an anxiety counselor in addition to this program, and my assignment for this week is to research local theatre groups in VA. i'm doing this today.
i just felt, keepontruckin, that i can totally agree with you "Better not screw up" way of thinking, AND the 75 "empty" years thing, too. and when I graduated, boy did I feel lost.
how have you regained your sense of accomplishment in dance? are you still dancing? what is your new perspective. and my personal fav question of artists such as ourselves...how are do you support yourself and come to peace with that while dancing?
*****
tigerman, i am sorry to blather on about myself on your post, but i can totally see what you are going through.
in my case, it is not a physical issue that is limiting me, but a mental/ emotional one.
and though, at first glance one might look at that and say "heck, that is nothing because he is limiting himself...he has the ability, but just is not doing it". and i agree, to a point. but my fear or desire for being in some mythological financial place where i can be an artist but not starve doing it has limited me/ frozen me for 7 years now.
i'm 33 now, and my anxiety/panic attacks were brought on (atleast in part motivated by) a horrible job. a horrible job that had absolutely nothing to do with theatre or film (another passion).
your post is a most serious one. because i have been and still come from your place. i know what you are feeling like, much like everyone else who responded.
there is no easy answer.
i think keepontruckin has it right by learning to live, first of all by God, and second of all a day at a time. Rome was not built in a day. It takes time.
I understand tying your identity into what it is that you want for yourself. but the physical injury that you suffered was NOT YOUR FAULT. you did not do this to yourself. it was an accident.
each day is a gift. i feel your pain. i think keepontruckin got it right by saying after graduating school of feeling "lost". i felt that same feeling after graduating from theatre. "now what?".
nothing in life is guaranteed. that is something that i have had to work with. i think that the journey is to be enjoyed, and not the destination. i am learning that for the first time now.
i wish that i had an easy answer for you.
one thing i think that you can gain is comfort in that you are not alone.
and ya know, nspyredj's quote sums it just about all up "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly".
you will make it. life will bloom for you, though you may not see it yet.
like lucinda says, life is not easy. somewhere, i bought into the notion that it was when i was growing up. let go of expectations.
i don't know if i have helped any, but i hope that i have.
that is some really good advice.
i come from a theatrical background, and when i graduated from college, i said to myself: "ok, now what? how am i going to take care of myself financially?"
i never want to be a "starving artist", so for the past 7 years I have avoided the stage while trying to get my financial life in order.
When will I return to acting and directing? for the past 7 years it has been when I have enough money, or am in the right position financially. i keep telling myself that it is coming, but i keep delaying what i truly am passionate about in part due to fear of failure (putting all of my eggs in the acting/directing business and failing- that's alot of broken eggs)- (is this all or nothing thinking again?) and because of procrastination.
i recently got married and we are pregnant and expecting our first child in May. i was relieved to get the news, because my wife is ready to start a family and here i sit, once again agonizing over finishing up my masters degree to get a job that i enjoy AND that would give me the free time to "play".
i truly believe that this is a vicious cycle in my own life. it will never be "perfect". there will never be the "perfect" amount of money in my bank account. there will always be bills.
but there won't always be time.
i have been seeing an anxiety counselor in addition to this program, and my assignment for this week is to research local theatre groups in VA. i'm doing this today.
i just felt, keepontruckin, that i can totally agree with you "Better not screw up" way of thinking, AND the 75 "empty" years thing, too. and when I graduated, boy did I feel lost.
how have you regained your sense of accomplishment in dance? are you still dancing? what is your new perspective. and my personal fav question of artists such as ourselves...how are do you support yourself and come to peace with that while dancing?
*****
tigerman, i am sorry to blather on about myself on your post, but i can totally see what you are going through.
in my case, it is not a physical issue that is limiting me, but a mental/ emotional one.
and though, at first glance one might look at that and say "heck, that is nothing because he is limiting himself...he has the ability, but just is not doing it". and i agree, to a point. but my fear or desire for being in some mythological financial place where i can be an artist but not starve doing it has limited me/ frozen me for 7 years now.
i'm 33 now, and my anxiety/panic attacks were brought on (atleast in part motivated by) a horrible job. a horrible job that had absolutely nothing to do with theatre or film (another passion).
your post is a most serious one. because i have been and still come from your place. i know what you are feeling like, much like everyone else who responded.
there is no easy answer.
i think keepontruckin has it right by learning to live, first of all by God, and second of all a day at a time. Rome was not built in a day. It takes time.
I understand tying your identity into what it is that you want for yourself. but the physical injury that you suffered was NOT YOUR FAULT. you did not do this to yourself. it was an accident.
each day is a gift. i feel your pain. i think keepontruckin got it right by saying after graduating school of feeling "lost". i felt that same feeling after graduating from theatre. "now what?".
nothing in life is guaranteed. that is something that i have had to work with. i think that the journey is to be enjoyed, and not the destination. i am learning that for the first time now.
i wish that i had an easy answer for you.
one thing i think that you can gain is comfort in that you are not alone.
and ya know, nspyredj's quote sums it just about all up "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly".
you will make it. life will bloom for you, though you may not see it yet.
like lucinda says, life is not easy. somewhere, i bought into the notion that it was when i was growing up. let go of expectations.
i don't know if i have helped any, but i hope that i have.
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Guest
Paul R.,
Glad to help! It's hard being an artist - trying to make your dreams come true and still pay the bills sounds like an oxymoron to us performers!! ha! Totally feel you!
What I try to do to keep the balance is keep all my options open and try to take as many opportunities as I can. I too am married - joined the club in May
My husband is plays football, and is still trying to "live the dream" after graduating college as well, so he's going through the same thing I am and we are very supportive of eachother. We both have 9-5's - right now. We have responsibilities and just have to grow up and make it for ourselves. BUT, I teach ballet on the weekends and I'm part of a very small company that a friend of mine is starting. I also teach at summer camps and that introduced me wealthy people who are willing to fund the arts-good to know for the future wink wink! That's how I stay involved in the dance world - for now. I have flown out to auditions and actually plan on going on one tomorrow - the question is do I call in sick or do I tell my boss the truth?? hahaha. Have you guys ever thought about teaching or coaching? I know at first I never wanted to teach - just wanted to perform, but teaching opens up another door for you and introduces you to people who maybe want to start something of their own - and then you got an opportunity right there! You never know!
I know how it is for you Paul. I'm sure you are very insecure about your acting right now because it's been so long. There is always a reason not to go to an audition you heard about or say next time, but you just have to put yourself out there. I get so nervous every time I go to an audition. In my head I think of a thousand reasons why it won't work out. "Things are going well, so maybe if I stay put, they'll go even better" is what I think a lot when I'm nervous about putting myself out there, but after I'm done (and been rejected most of the time in the last cut) I feel so much better, and I can at least say I did it. Find a local theater group - hell, I did a theater play. They needed a dancer, and after hiring me told it was a speaking role. You would have laughed! But I had the job, that's the point!
Hope this helps and congratulations on your wonderful family.
Are you doing the program? You can use a lot of techniques the program offers when you're nervous or doubting your theater career. It was a Godsend for me!
Glad to help! It's hard being an artist - trying to make your dreams come true and still pay the bills sounds like an oxymoron to us performers!! ha! Totally feel you!
What I try to do to keep the balance is keep all my options open and try to take as many opportunities as I can. I too am married - joined the club in May
My husband is plays football, and is still trying to "live the dream" after graduating college as well, so he's going through the same thing I am and we are very supportive of eachother. We both have 9-5's - right now. We have responsibilities and just have to grow up and make it for ourselves. BUT, I teach ballet on the weekends and I'm part of a very small company that a friend of mine is starting. I also teach at summer camps and that introduced me wealthy people who are willing to fund the arts-good to know for the future wink wink! That's how I stay involved in the dance world - for now. I have flown out to auditions and actually plan on going on one tomorrow - the question is do I call in sick or do I tell my boss the truth?? hahaha. Have you guys ever thought about teaching or coaching? I know at first I never wanted to teach - just wanted to perform, but teaching opens up another door for you and introduces you to people who maybe want to start something of their own - and then you got an opportunity right there! You never know!I know how it is for you Paul. I'm sure you are very insecure about your acting right now because it's been so long. There is always a reason not to go to an audition you heard about or say next time, but you just have to put yourself out there. I get so nervous every time I go to an audition. In my head I think of a thousand reasons why it won't work out. "Things are going well, so maybe if I stay put, they'll go even better" is what I think a lot when I'm nervous about putting myself out there, but after I'm done (and been rejected most of the time in the last cut) I feel so much better, and I can at least say I did it. Find a local theater group - hell, I did a theater play. They needed a dancer, and after hiring me told it was a speaking role. You would have laughed! But I had the job, that's the point!
Hope this helps and congratulations on your wonderful family.
Are you doing the program? You can use a lot of techniques the program offers when you're nervous or doubting your theater career. It was a Godsend for me!
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Guest
keepontruckin,
thank you for the info.
to answer your questions, yes...I have actually stumbled on the teaching/coaching path over my past 7 year journey of trying to "figure this thing out" (read: overanalyze).
I am actually finishing up my Masters degree in Physical Education and Health. Once employed, I hope to pursue acting/directing in evenings and on weekends and especially in the summer. i too live in a very affluent area of VA, and there is alot of $$ being passed around here and people who have it.
i also hope to get into the theatre at a school to get working there, as well.
i emailed a few community theatre groups yesterday, and have been added to a couple of mailing lists that will notify me of upcoming auditions, calls for work, etc.
my dream is to also go to film school. this is where i am having a hard time and stressing about the future. if i am working in a job that i enjoy, 8-2 m-f, how can i get to film school?
i have the program, got through week 4 when my panic attacks stopped. since then, i have not been working the program like i should and gradually using exercise and prayer to get through a more mild (and fading) general anxiety.
i still deal with symptoms daily, but they are much weaker.
good luck to your husband and you on your audition! congrats on your marriage.
i especially like your balance.
question: how do you and your husband survive the 9-5's? the reason that i ask is that I was working for horrible company in an extremely negative and stressful environment- which, coincidentally created the environment for my panic attacks and anxiety to grow and consume me- and had to leave. right now i am working as an afterschool aide part time while finishing my degree and having a good time. my wife works as a police officer. what mindset do you two have that gets you through the 9-5, but yet also does not exhaust you or suffocate you from your respective passions?
thanks for the feedback
thank you for the info.
to answer your questions, yes...I have actually stumbled on the teaching/coaching path over my past 7 year journey of trying to "figure this thing out" (read: overanalyze).
I am actually finishing up my Masters degree in Physical Education and Health. Once employed, I hope to pursue acting/directing in evenings and on weekends and especially in the summer. i too live in a very affluent area of VA, and there is alot of $$ being passed around here and people who have it.
i also hope to get into the theatre at a school to get working there, as well.
i emailed a few community theatre groups yesterday, and have been added to a couple of mailing lists that will notify me of upcoming auditions, calls for work, etc.
my dream is to also go to film school. this is where i am having a hard time and stressing about the future. if i am working in a job that i enjoy, 8-2 m-f, how can i get to film school?
i have the program, got through week 4 when my panic attacks stopped. since then, i have not been working the program like i should and gradually using exercise and prayer to get through a more mild (and fading) general anxiety.
i still deal with symptoms daily, but they are much weaker.
good luck to your husband and you on your audition! congrats on your marriage.
i especially like your balance.
question: how do you and your husband survive the 9-5's? the reason that i ask is that I was working for horrible company in an extremely negative and stressful environment- which, coincidentally created the environment for my panic attacks and anxiety to grow and consume me- and had to leave. right now i am working as an afterschool aide part time while finishing my degree and having a good time. my wife works as a police officer. what mindset do you two have that gets you through the 9-5, but yet also does not exhaust you or suffocate you from your respective passions?
thanks for the feedback