AA/D: A Journey Worth Taking

[lilsismj]

I have figured a few things out lately that are pretty big to me. I would not have come to this place without the program, and I wanted to share with you guys my story. I hope that it helps others to keep going and to have faith.

I joined the boards many years ago, but didn't actually do the program until a year and a half ago. My anxiety began when I was six years old -- panic attacks, body symptoms, horrible depression. It was the time my parents got a divorce and I was living with a mom who told me she was going to commit suicide when we were at our Dad's for the weekend. Every weekend I would go away thinking I was going to come home to a dead mother. So, yes there were reasons for my anxiety...but there isn't a reason now.

I have gone through the entire program (at least the tapes) three times and have listened to individual lessons when I needed them. As I used my new found skills, I discovered more about myself, this condition and my control over it. Of course, I believed that there would come a time when I knew all I needed to know. Everything I needed to know. And I was disappointed that this was not the case.

Situations keep arising in day to day life that weren't on the tapes. How was I supposed to deal with them?

Well, I used my skills, I honed my skills. I have been surprised many times at how quickly I can go down...and how quickly I've been able to pull myself out of it. And, I haven't given myself enough credit for that.

Recently I went through some issues, and I wanted to blame the program for not being enough. I was ready to give up and just accept my fate that this wasn't going to work -- even though I had seen it work in my life before.

It was while I was listening to Lesson 8 that I had my first epiphany. Lucinda says, your workbook is one of the most important things you can do. And, what you get out of the program will depend greatly on what you put into it and the homework. This made me pause and ask myself...have I done all that I can do? Or did I just take enough to get me through the moment?

I have to admit, after the first few lessons, I stopped doing the workbook. Because of that, I never ever looked at my secondary gains...and many other things. I am going to do that now. I am going to put more into it and examine those things that I skipped over the first time.

I am excited about this process because there is more to learn! There is more I can do to make my skills and my confidence stronger.

So, I have rededicated myself to the homework and really looking at myself.

With that in mind -- I am currently in a situation of, what I have always considered, my greatest fear. I guess sometimes if you don't go to your fears and face them...they end up coming to you.

I have a date on Thursday night. I don't date. The thought of having a relationship makes me want to vomit. My therapist says that i am phobic about it, just as someone would be of flying. However she also told me that I have come to the place where I need to actually act...not just prepare. So thats how I said yes to the date.

The thing is...I'm ok. I haven't freaked out about it like I thought I would. I mean, if you could measure my fear of dating on a scale of one to ten...I was a 100. And, until recently, I thought I was still at 100. But, in facing the fear -- which I have REFUSED and AVOIDED doing for almost three years now -- I've been surprised that my brain has actually worked with me to keep me calm. And that is something I give this program credit for (and I give myself credit too).

I came to a wonderful realization last night that I don't know I would have ever stumbled upon if not for this program.

I had always told myself that if I was going to find love that it was going to be out of the blue. Someone would run into me in the grocery store, cute cop would pull me over, I'd meet a guy in line for coffee and we would strike up a conversation. This is something I wanted to believe to be true. I'm just not the type of person who wants to force love. I don't want to go hunt it down online or in bars. And, I was coming to the point where i thought that was what I was "supposed" to be doing. That it wasn't going to happen the way I wanted.

But it did. The man I have a date with tomorrow, sold me my car two weeks ago. My first date in quite some time came about exactly as I had imagined it would. I don't think this guy is "the one," that he was delivered to me magically. But, I do know now that it can happen without force.

There has been a huge weight lifted off of me.
I DON'T have to change my life for someone else.

If I am open to taking the chances...they will come along.

If I don't think too much, it won't be a big deal.

And, my "greatest fear" right now isn't so bad.

I like this feeling and I plan to try to hold onto it as long as I can. I am not disappointed that I didn't learn everything the first few times around, because I wasn't there yet. when I look back on this journey I realize how far I've come and yet how far I have to go...and that's ok. Because if I just keep going, it can only get better.

So, no life is not perfect. I still get anxious. I still freeze up at times and have to take the time to think. I still can get a hot flash, which I hate. My PMS can really throw me for a loop. However, I'm ok with it. I am becoming someone I am proud of. And, i realize now that I will always want to be on this journey. And taking the first step, was the best decision I ever made.

I found a really good quote that I believe sums this all up nicely:

What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within us out into the world, miracles happen"

Ralph Waldo Emmerson

I have and am bringing myself into the world. I hope you do to. It is going to be amazing to see what happens.

[Guest]

Thanks for sharing. Your story is inspiring. I hope you have a great date on Thursday!

[Guest]

HEY LIL: I certainly have watched a large part of your journey and WOW! WOW! WOW! you are truly an inspiration and you are 'getting it' well! Be proud of yourself! it was awesome to see such a positive post from someone who your heart goes out to! great job sister! PLEASE keep us posted on your 'challenge' (need I say date?) lol.. remember change an 'nervous' anxiety into excitment! KEEP ME POSTED! Goodluck, although you dont need it anymore you rock!

[Guest]

I am in a very peaceful place. I feel like I just stumbled upon it and then realized where I was. I was trying to explain how I was feeling to a friend...and her response was, "I think that's what most people would call calm."

I am calm. I am in a nice place and really am prepared to use all my skills to stay here in this place. I am actually...dare I say it...looking forward to my date tonight. I don't expect anything and just hope to have a good conversation.

Ahhhhhh. I am surprising myself and I LOVE it.