It's nice for me to be able to say that it has been a while since I've been on here. I've been a little blue for the past couple of weeks and I needed someone to talk (or vent) to other than family or friends.
My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years and married for 2. About a year and a half ago we decided to start trying for a baby. Since that time I've had 4 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. The most recent pregnancy ended Tuesday with a D&C. We actually got to hear the heartbeat at 6 weeks which is something that we've never gotten to do before. But then when we went back at 8 weeks the heartbeat was gone.
The doctor believes it was a chromosonal error and there was nothing we did to cause it. The frustrating thing is that there is nothing we can do to prevent it from happening again.
I was really scared to have the D&C. More scared of the anesthesia then the procedure but I made it through it. Afterwards I think I got a little dose of reality because the pregnancy was "really" over.
How many times can I possibly go through this? I just want to know that there is still hope...I want to believe...I have to believe.
Can anyone relate?
just looking for some positive reiforcements
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Guest
Hi Lizzybee, The baby subject is also dear to me. My husband and I were married when we were both in our early thirties. We both just turned 40, and we would like to have a baby. So far it has not happened. Although it is a thought often on my mind I can't change the fact that it may not happen however I will not let this be my only reason for living. I have my health,a wonderful family and friends, and a great husband. Yes the only thing missing is a baby but I haven't given up and either should you. Remember all the good things in your life. Distract yourself with other things and don't give up. Wishing you all the best :p
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Guest
Hi........I just had to answer this post. I really can relate with you. My husband and I went through fertility treatments and we went through alot of heartache. I also had an ectopic
prenancy. Got to be pregnant for one day that I knew about it and then they had to do an emergency surgery. The anxiety kicked in then I'll tell you! I became depressed after that. A happy ending to this story though. We adopted two children right from newborns. The birthmothers picked us out when they were still pregnant. I thank God for those women every day. My daughter is 13 and my son 10 now. Don't give up on your dreams on being a Mom. It will happen one way or the other.
prenancy. Got to be pregnant for one day that I knew about it and then they had to do an emergency surgery. The anxiety kicked in then I'll tell you! I became depressed after that. A happy ending to this story though. We adopted two children right from newborns. The birthmothers picked us out when they were still pregnant. I thank God for those women every day. My daughter is 13 and my son 10 now. Don't give up on your dreams on being a Mom. It will happen one way or the other.
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Guest
Lizzy,
Pls pls, don't give up.
My anxiety triggered in Apr-2005, after having surgery for the 1st time. It came hard & fast. I was diagnosed w/ anxiety disorder + panic attacks + PTSD(fr 3 particular things). It was so severe - it forced me right out of work for 3 yrs. That is not the only thing it had done. Pls allow me to briefly explain:
<span class="ev_code_RED">I met my hubby @ a wedding in 1993. I had just broken up w/ some guy & attended this wedding by myself. Yes, I caught the bouquet & he the garter. Just shy of that couples wedding anniversary, he inquired about me. Long story short, we went on our 1st date. The morning after our 2nd date, I was going over it & it hit me - HE IS THE 1 I'M GOING TO MARRY. I knew. We are blessed -- cause we have a good marriage - I still get goosebumps when he kisses my neck. Anyhows, lol - fast forward to in MAY-2003, after having been married for 6 yrs - we started trying to have a baby. After having tried for 1 1/2 yrs - to DEC-2004, we consulted a fertility specialist. Our 1st appt was in DEC-2004. We talked & stuff - I got measured, etc. We were informed about all the future steps we'd be taking. We rec'd a boat load of paper work & scheduling stuff fr them. We were scheduled to START THIS ALL in MARCH - 2005. We were so excited. Well, as fate would have it - in March 2005, I had a gallbladder attack - went to emergency room & all. I visited a specialist/surgeon in twn & had the surgery w/in 1 week. IT WAS THIS SURGERY THAT ACTED AS THE TRIGGER FOR MY ANXIETY DISORDER & PANIC ATTACKS. Yes, the same month we were to start the fertility process. Because of the severe state I was in, the fertility process came into question - my husband left that DECISION/CHOICE up to me. What a tough as hell decision to make. Lord, I'm crying typing this now, lol. The lord knows how bad I wanted to be a mama - it tortured my heart. I KNEW WHAT MY CHOICE WAS. B/4 telling my husband, while obviously not working & home fr the anxiety disorder - I went in my bedroom - sat on my bed & I SAID A LITTLE PRAYER TO MY BABY "NOT BORN YET" IN HEAVEN. I have this belief that our future children are angels in heaven just waiting to come dwn. Well, I had a talk w/ him or her, lol. I said, crying of course, lol : "I'm so sorry - I know you want to be born & come home to us. But, I can't do it right now. Mama has this illness she needs to take care of first - so that, when you are born - she will be the BEST MAMA - the 1 you need & deserve. So, I love you enough to put you 1st - to wait to conceive you - until I take care of this. So, I'm sorry you can't come yet - pls know, I'm doing this cause I love you - yes, even never having met you yet."</span> With that, I told my husband we'd stop trying & not proceed w/ fertility treatments.
That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life - I wanted to be a mama more than anything else in this world - enough so, that I was already willing to PRACTICE BEING A MAMA - by putting the child first & taking care of myself. I AM GETTING TO A POINT, LOL.
The following 3 yrs, these past 3 years, I worked my tushy off & then some. I worked it like noone's business. I went thru very intensive therapy w/ a psychiatrist, read like 16 books, bought & did Lucinda's program & worked on me - home, not working - alone: everyone, inclu hubby, worked & was out & about in life. It was hard to say the least. Yes, I did all this hard work, initially & primarily for me, of course. However, I was also working hard for my baby not born yet - lol, if that makes sense. I didn't know what this "thing" initially was - I didn't know if it would be my FOREVER - I handed it over to God & did what I needed to do. I moved heaven & earth to recover - I WANTED IT THAT BAD - I did everything w/in my ability, humanly possible, to recover. I am recovered now - I just returned back to WORKING USA 1 mth ago & doing really good. This current job I have is a stepping stone = practice to get myself used to mainstream america again. I have focus & I know what I want to do longterm.
1 day, during my 3 yr recovery journey - my husband(who while very supportive, didn't understand anxiety) was telling me in amazement how proud he was of me - w/ my absolute focus & committment I had to healing. He told me how proud he was of me - quietly getting mushy w/ me kind of , lol - you know men: they get soft & mushy in private lol - out in public THEY ARE MEN, lol lol. After he said this to me, I very MATTER OF FACTLY said to him, "you know I am doing all this, in part, so I can be a mama & we can try for that baby right?" He said "yes, thank you." & he kissed my forehead.
As I've mentioned, I am currently working again at a local CVS drugstore as the PHOTO TECHNICIAN, lol - never worked retail b/4 in my life - always worked on Wall St - nyc. I want to break into accounting in corp amer in my home state. Then, go back to college for my Bachelor's in Acct'g. So, CVS for right now, is a very healthy start to making all that happen.
LIZZY, sweetie - DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS OF BEING A MAMA. I beg you not to. Keep doing what you're doing + pray to God. Listen, Our intentions are once I get back to an office job(accounting based) - we're going back to a fertility specialist - probably later in this year or early 2009. Our dream to be parents didn't go away - I just needed to want it enough to do the work necessary.
I didn't go thru what you did w/ the miscarriages, etc. So, I won't imply I understand LITERALLY what you went thru. While maybe different, I've gone thru much emotional pain & heartache the past 5 yrs: b/w trying to conceive + fertility specialist + anxiety triggering & having to halt trying to conceive. I would have gladly traded any PHYSICAL PAIN for the emotional pain I have experienced. In spite of all of it, I STILL WANT TO BE A MAMA - the lord knows my heart. He knows yours too.
Being a parent ain't easy - it requires more of you & just when you think you've given your all, it requires more. Think of this as PREP WORK for MOMMYHOOD, lol
I know it is hard & I know the pain you speak of - I so do sweetie. I also know the desire to be a mama is stronger for both of us. So, I beg you - pls don't give up on your dream to be a mama. Let God + your husband + family + friends be strength for you during this time - NO WOMAN IS AN ISLAND ALONE - God gives us EARTH ANGELS(ans's to our prayers) for love/help/support.
There is ALWAYS HOPE BABY, honest. ok, 1 last ex to put THAT SMILE BACK ON YOUR FACE - TO INSPIRE YOU(then I'll finally be done, lol lol):
I have this 1 gf whom I've been friends w/ for almost 30 yrs. Well, this friend had had a child very young @ 19. She married & quickly divorced. As she went about life, she experienced some health complications. Long story short, she had surgeries & SHE ONLY HAS 1/2 OF 1 "OVARY". She is also suceptible to cists on that ovary. She was told, after her daughter was about 5 yrs old(now 21) she'd never BE ABLE TO CONCEIVE A CHILD - she could never have a baby ever again. Many dr's told her this. Fast forward to 4 yrs ago. She met up w/ this man, who was her teenage sweetheart = 1st love, when we were teenagers. They were grown now, fell in love - got engaged, all was good. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? My friend got pregnant. Yep, she did. She was beyond shocked - she was told she'd never be able to by mannnnnnnnnnny specialists. She gave birth to a healthy daughter - who is now 2 1/2 yrs old. The dr told her this was a MIRACLE - medically, it won't happen again. Well, guess what happened when her daughter was 1 1/2 yrs old? SHE GOT PREGNANT AGAIN - she gave birth a a healthy baby boy. Yes, in spite of all the odds stacked against her. Yes, in spite of feeling she'd never have the chance to be a mama ever again - SHE'S A MAMA AGAIN. 2 X'S OVER, lo lol
Pls don't give up on your desire to be a mama - keep strong & dream the dream.
LENORE
Pls pls, don't give up.
My anxiety triggered in Apr-2005, after having surgery for the 1st time. It came hard & fast. I was diagnosed w/ anxiety disorder + panic attacks + PTSD(fr 3 particular things). It was so severe - it forced me right out of work for 3 yrs. That is not the only thing it had done. Pls allow me to briefly explain:
<span class="ev_code_RED">I met my hubby @ a wedding in 1993. I had just broken up w/ some guy & attended this wedding by myself. Yes, I caught the bouquet & he the garter. Just shy of that couples wedding anniversary, he inquired about me. Long story short, we went on our 1st date. The morning after our 2nd date, I was going over it & it hit me - HE IS THE 1 I'M GOING TO MARRY. I knew. We are blessed -- cause we have a good marriage - I still get goosebumps when he kisses my neck. Anyhows, lol - fast forward to in MAY-2003, after having been married for 6 yrs - we started trying to have a baby. After having tried for 1 1/2 yrs - to DEC-2004, we consulted a fertility specialist. Our 1st appt was in DEC-2004. We talked & stuff - I got measured, etc. We were informed about all the future steps we'd be taking. We rec'd a boat load of paper work & scheduling stuff fr them. We were scheduled to START THIS ALL in MARCH - 2005. We were so excited. Well, as fate would have it - in March 2005, I had a gallbladder attack - went to emergency room & all. I visited a specialist/surgeon in twn & had the surgery w/in 1 week. IT WAS THIS SURGERY THAT ACTED AS THE TRIGGER FOR MY ANXIETY DISORDER & PANIC ATTACKS. Yes, the same month we were to start the fertility process. Because of the severe state I was in, the fertility process came into question - my husband left that DECISION/CHOICE up to me. What a tough as hell decision to make. Lord, I'm crying typing this now, lol. The lord knows how bad I wanted to be a mama - it tortured my heart. I KNEW WHAT MY CHOICE WAS. B/4 telling my husband, while obviously not working & home fr the anxiety disorder - I went in my bedroom - sat on my bed & I SAID A LITTLE PRAYER TO MY BABY "NOT BORN YET" IN HEAVEN. I have this belief that our future children are angels in heaven just waiting to come dwn. Well, I had a talk w/ him or her, lol. I said, crying of course, lol : "I'm so sorry - I know you want to be born & come home to us. But, I can't do it right now. Mama has this illness she needs to take care of first - so that, when you are born - she will be the BEST MAMA - the 1 you need & deserve. So, I love you enough to put you 1st - to wait to conceive you - until I take care of this. So, I'm sorry you can't come yet - pls know, I'm doing this cause I love you - yes, even never having met you yet."</span> With that, I told my husband we'd stop trying & not proceed w/ fertility treatments.
That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life - I wanted to be a mama more than anything else in this world - enough so, that I was already willing to PRACTICE BEING A MAMA - by putting the child first & taking care of myself. I AM GETTING TO A POINT, LOL.
The following 3 yrs, these past 3 years, I worked my tushy off & then some. I worked it like noone's business. I went thru very intensive therapy w/ a psychiatrist, read like 16 books, bought & did Lucinda's program & worked on me - home, not working - alone: everyone, inclu hubby, worked & was out & about in life. It was hard to say the least. Yes, I did all this hard work, initially & primarily for me, of course. However, I was also working hard for my baby not born yet - lol, if that makes sense. I didn't know what this "thing" initially was - I didn't know if it would be my FOREVER - I handed it over to God & did what I needed to do. I moved heaven & earth to recover - I WANTED IT THAT BAD - I did everything w/in my ability, humanly possible, to recover. I am recovered now - I just returned back to WORKING USA 1 mth ago & doing really good. This current job I have is a stepping stone = practice to get myself used to mainstream america again. I have focus & I know what I want to do longterm.
1 day, during my 3 yr recovery journey - my husband(who while very supportive, didn't understand anxiety) was telling me in amazement how proud he was of me - w/ my absolute focus & committment I had to healing. He told me how proud he was of me - quietly getting mushy w/ me kind of , lol - you know men: they get soft & mushy in private lol - out in public THEY ARE MEN, lol lol. After he said this to me, I very MATTER OF FACTLY said to him, "you know I am doing all this, in part, so I can be a mama & we can try for that baby right?" He said "yes, thank you." & he kissed my forehead.
As I've mentioned, I am currently working again at a local CVS drugstore as the PHOTO TECHNICIAN, lol - never worked retail b/4 in my life - always worked on Wall St - nyc. I want to break into accounting in corp amer in my home state. Then, go back to college for my Bachelor's in Acct'g. So, CVS for right now, is a very healthy start to making all that happen.
LIZZY, sweetie - DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS OF BEING A MAMA. I beg you not to. Keep doing what you're doing + pray to God. Listen, Our intentions are once I get back to an office job(accounting based) - we're going back to a fertility specialist - probably later in this year or early 2009. Our dream to be parents didn't go away - I just needed to want it enough to do the work necessary.
I didn't go thru what you did w/ the miscarriages, etc. So, I won't imply I understand LITERALLY what you went thru. While maybe different, I've gone thru much emotional pain & heartache the past 5 yrs: b/w trying to conceive + fertility specialist + anxiety triggering & having to halt trying to conceive. I would have gladly traded any PHYSICAL PAIN for the emotional pain I have experienced. In spite of all of it, I STILL WANT TO BE A MAMA - the lord knows my heart. He knows yours too.
Being a parent ain't easy - it requires more of you & just when you think you've given your all, it requires more. Think of this as PREP WORK for MOMMYHOOD, lol
I know it is hard & I know the pain you speak of - I so do sweetie. I also know the desire to be a mama is stronger for both of us. So, I beg you - pls don't give up on your dream to be a mama. Let God + your husband + family + friends be strength for you during this time - NO WOMAN IS AN ISLAND ALONE - God gives us EARTH ANGELS(ans's to our prayers) for love/help/support. There is ALWAYS HOPE BABY, honest. ok, 1 last ex to put THAT SMILE BACK ON YOUR FACE - TO INSPIRE YOU(then I'll finally be done, lol lol):
I have this 1 gf whom I've been friends w/ for almost 30 yrs. Well, this friend had had a child very young @ 19. She married & quickly divorced. As she went about life, she experienced some health complications. Long story short, she had surgeries & SHE ONLY HAS 1/2 OF 1 "OVARY". She is also suceptible to cists on that ovary. She was told, after her daughter was about 5 yrs old(now 21) she'd never BE ABLE TO CONCEIVE A CHILD - she could never have a baby ever again. Many dr's told her this. Fast forward to 4 yrs ago. She met up w/ this man, who was her teenage sweetheart = 1st love, when we were teenagers. They were grown now, fell in love - got engaged, all was good. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? My friend got pregnant. Yep, she did. She was beyond shocked - she was told she'd never be able to by mannnnnnnnnnny specialists. She gave birth to a healthy daughter - who is now 2 1/2 yrs old. The dr told her this was a MIRACLE - medically, it won't happen again. Well, guess what happened when her daughter was 1 1/2 yrs old? SHE GOT PREGNANT AGAIN - she gave birth a a healthy baby boy. Yes, in spite of all the odds stacked against her. Yes, in spite of feeling she'd never have the chance to be a mama ever again - SHE'S A MAMA AGAIN. 2 X'S OVER, lo lol
Pls don't give up on your desire to be a mama - keep strong & dream the dream.
LENORE