I've dealt with depression/anxiety since around the age of five-years-old. That's crazy to think about now, but I was diagnosed with OCD right around that age. Well, "diagnosed" is a funny word to use for it. My pediatrician assured my parents that it was probably just a stage, and that I'd eventually grow out of it. According to my therapist, I never really DID grow out of it. You don't grow out of nearly a decade of thinking your crazy, or being afraid constantly that you're on the verge of death if you slip up. I just learned to control it.
With that said, it seems weird now that at the age of twenty, I'm fairly OCD free but the most paralyzed I have ever been in my life. I had problems with depression through highschool (Mostly blamed on a hormone condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom), but suddenly when the university called, my anxiety kicked into high gear.
The worst is the social anxiety. I've always felt slightly awkward and "different", but I always managed to deal with social situations exceedingly well. I was actually on stage in one form or the other through most of my highschool experience! Now I can't walk into a room of people with out completely freezing up. At twenty, I haven't made a single friend at college because of this. It's so dibilitating!
The thing is, I've been going to therapy for the past six years, and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. My parents bought me this program, but I'm afraid it's just going to end up like all of those other self-help books I've scoured over for the past few years. I just feel like there isn't any hope.
I'm a writer, and some silly part in the back of my mind just believes that is what makes it impossible for me to get better. I feel like I'm just lumped into that long list of female nuerotic writers who end-up killing themselves at a young age. That sounds so harsh, I know, but I'm so afraid that is how I'm going to end up. That, if I don't get better, at the age of thirty I'm just going to give up. I don't want to be the next Plath.
I have problems with depression more-so than anxiety, and I wondered from the beginning if this program is still right for me. Is it?
I don't want to be the next Sylvia Plath...
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DystopianWriter
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Fri May 09, 2008 2:57 pm
"A woman who writes feels too much,
those trances and portents!
As if cycles and children and islands
weren't enough; as if mourners and gossips
and vegetables were never enough.
She thinks she can warn the stars.
A writer is essentially a spy.
Dear love, I am that girl."
- Anne Sexton, "The Dark Art"
those trances and portents!
As if cycles and children and islands
weren't enough; as if mourners and gossips
and vegetables were never enough.
She thinks she can warn the stars.
A writer is essentially a spy.
Dear love, I am that girl."
- Anne Sexton, "The Dark Art"
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Guest
Dystopianwriter,I hope you realize that you are a blessing and what blessings you have with writing. I am on my second week of the program and I have suffered for about eight years. My joy had been taken from me and I finally feel that I have found something that can help me find it again. I have suffered from depression but have general anxiety and panic attacks the worse. It is so nice to be able to talk with people who understand and dont look at you like there sorry for you. I am so excited to have the program and I hope you stick with it and everyone on here who would love to talk you through it. God Bless
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Guest
I feel for you- I too have had a life of this, so I know what it's like to always be this way.
It sounds like some triggering events have occured (graduating high school, starting college, and son on) that could have flared up the anxiety/depression. You sound like me in that you've had a lot of therapy and nothing has done much- I can really sympathize with that.
You have a gift. Perhaps your anxiety is tied into this in some way. Do you have fear of being a failure at writing? Do you feel that in order to write or be creative you have to be in an anxious/depressed state? (I mean no insult by this, I just know a lot of people who are that way and I don't know anything about you or your background). I'd be curious to hear more about this. Perhaps this has something to do with it. Perhaps not. Either way you are in charge of your destiny.
I believe you can make what you want of this life and recover. (trust me most days I don't believe that myself). It's true though, it's just about figuring out what to do about it. Are you still in therapy? Meds? If I could get more info on your situation I might have better insight.
Hope this helped in some way.
It sounds like some triggering events have occured (graduating high school, starting college, and son on) that could have flared up the anxiety/depression. You sound like me in that you've had a lot of therapy and nothing has done much- I can really sympathize with that.
You have a gift. Perhaps your anxiety is tied into this in some way. Do you have fear of being a failure at writing? Do you feel that in order to write or be creative you have to be in an anxious/depressed state? (I mean no insult by this, I just know a lot of people who are that way and I don't know anything about you or your background). I'd be curious to hear more about this. Perhaps this has something to do with it. Perhaps not. Either way you are in charge of your destiny.
I believe you can make what you want of this life and recover. (trust me most days I don't believe that myself). It's true though, it's just about figuring out what to do about it. Are you still in therapy? Meds? If I could get more info on your situation I might have better insight.
Hope this helped in some way.