Friends?
I know how you feel, I used to have a " BEST " friend, who as years gone by, realize is not my best friend at all. I'M HER FRIEND WHEN SHE HAS NEEDED ONE. My husband would point this out to me, but both of us ( my friend ) suffer from anxiety and depression, so I needed her to talk to, at least I thought I did. Over the last few months, we hardly ever see one another or talk, and it really bothers me. I have felt extremely lonely, even though I have other friends, but I can't talk with them, because I don't feel close enough. They are not that kind of friend. Maybe we feel that we can't trust them. I have many older sisters, who I could talk to, but I feel weak talking about things to them because in the past, they kind of made a joke of me being " nervous ". No one really knows the real me except my husband. I hide my feelings as much as I can even from my children. Most people think I have it together, but I always fear being alone. I wish I could have closer friends too. Maybe someone out there knows the answer.
Don't you think a lot of this comes from our fear of being rejected. Because we have anxiety we are supersensitive to everything, so those little moments between friends when you're not sure if they were joking about something or not can cause us extreme worry. We also have trust issues, at least I do. I don't let a lot of people into my cirlce of trust. Instead I put up this facade of inner strength and independence. People think it's wonderful and admire me for it but it's lonely as hell. Even though I'm doing this program I still have this unyielding fear of appearing vulnerable. How do I get it to go away so that I can open up myself to people and opportunities?
Through this recent bout of anxiety I have found who my true friends are, because those are the ones I talk to about my anxiety and concerns and no matter how often to seem to repeat myself they keep coming back for more!
Those who I don't discuss these things with are probably more acquaintances than friends.
In life I have realized there are many people we meet, but only few really deserve the title friend.
Generally speaking I think most people are mere acquaintances than friends.
It could be me, but through life many people have come and gone, but only a few remain the same, no matter where they live, work, etc.
Those who I don't discuss these things with are probably more acquaintances than friends.
In life I have realized there are many people we meet, but only few really deserve the title friend.
Generally speaking I think most people are mere acquaintances than friends.
It could be me, but through life many people have come and gone, but only a few remain the same, no matter where they live, work, etc.
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"Even a loyal dog will bite you if you kick it hard enough!"
"Even a loyal dog will bite you if you kick it hard enough!"
Hi,
I struggle with this too, and I have actually posted on here in the past few months about how I had a friend who started to change when I got better with my anxiety. I also have a son who has severe autism, and this really complicates things with friendships, etc. It's not that I was the most social person before, and that hurt me not to have friend or family support when he was diagnosed.
I went through severe trauma and anxiety, and I knew that I "needed" to have more people in my life, and it's been this constant battle. A couple of years ago, I felt I finally found a "best friend". She had anxiety that she used medication to treat, and I was having a horrible time with agoraphobia and taking care of my son. She rushed right in, and just did so many nice things for me. She did my taxes for goodness's sakes:)! Most of what she gave, I never asked for. I am married to a great husband, and this best friend even gave him gifts, etc. I had a lot of fun with her:), and I just felt so much better about myself for having this great friend from God.
This summer, things really began to change, and I began to notice behaviors from the past that were warnings of things to come. I got better with my anxiety. A child that had autism that we knew died from his autism making him escape and run to a nearby river and drowned, and it just snapped things into perspective for me. I knew I needed to get better to be more involved with my son and protect him. I just got better, and then this friend became "needier". At the same time, I was there for her, but I didn't "need" her as much. I wanted her in my life for sure, but it wasn't out of desperation from anxiety. It was out of freedom and love. She felt the shift, and she started to catastrophize things like the rabbits eating her sun flowers in her garden. I wanted to care, but it was hard to see it as a tragedy when I have a child with an incurable brain disorder. She does art, and she always encouraged me to do art, but this summer, I drew a picture of my new dog who helps me with my anxiety, and she was very critical of it. It really caught me off guard. She made comments that appeared that she was actually jealous of my dog, and me talking to other people and my estranged cousin. She suddenly moved to another state which was her choice and called me up when my son was really sick and said that she felt like a "Katrina Victim." My husband and I both grew up on the coast and our hometown was destroyed in Katrina, and she was there during that time so it just shocked me that she would make such a comparison when she chose to move and she had financial, family, and friends helping her. Before she moved she came to visit me on my birthday, and she was disappointed that I didn't plan this big going away part for her. . .on my birthday after a week with no sleep because my son doesn't sleep well. She never said it, but she did all these indirect things to show that all of her other friends were doing all of these great things for her and I wasn't, and she just ignored my son who loves her which is a big deal. He actually went up and gave her a kiss on the cheek when he realized she was ignoring him. He is non-verbal and severe so this was a major accomplishment. He does that a lot with people who come into his life and then try to reject him later, like with my in-law's. I bought her a present with my birthday money, and that's all a mother of a child with autism really has time to do:). I did care about her. I did try to be there for her and understand her, but I just got to this point where my perspective in life has to be more positive for me to be able to cope with autism. I'm grateful for the little things. If I had all of the friends and opportunities she had, I would not be complaining the way she was because of what I have been through. I did let her vent, but she started to compete with me and kept making her situation look worse then mine, and she would snap at me when I tried to help her. She started to play all these games.
Anyway, I could go on and on. It got worse. She ended the friendship, but then said she wanted it back and wanted to work it out, but when I went to work out a more limited friendship, she simply said she was sorry for being inconsiderate, but didn't really have much to say. I just couldn't work it out with her, and I lost my patience and ended up exploding on her.
So yes, it's very hard to find friends, and yet we do need to have good friends. Here are some things I learned. In our situation, we must be very careful about co-dependency. Co-dependency is an unequal relationship where one person in the relationship is an "over-giver" for the wrong reasons, and one person is an "over-taker." My friend was an "over-giver" for the wrong reasons. It made her feel good about herself to be the person who was mainly giving gifts to me and helping with my son. It gave her a sense of purpose and boosted her ego, and made her feel like she had the power in the relationship. However, I didn't mean to be an "over-taker", but I had severe anxiety and my son has an incurable brain disorder. I was taking steps to get better, and when I actually got better and thought my friend would be happier about that and our relationship being more equal, she didn't really want me well or an equal relationship because she liked having the power in the relationship. She also gave to me thinking that there would be a time I could pay her back for her help. I gave to her what I had to give while taking care of my son who's life has been in danger. I could never choose her over my son. I gave what I had to give which included talking to her on the phone while watching my son, and then she got to where she felt entitled to it. My son was in danger when she moved, and I couldn't talk to her, and she said that I "bailed" on her when she moved after she had given me so much so that showed that she expected me to be there for her no matter what was going on with my son. There are definitely "over-takers" who purposely do so to use you though, and we with anxiety have to be careful about that. We should never help someone because we try to get love from them by giving, or we feel guilty if we don't, etc. This was the first time I could see what that was like to be on the receiving end of having received the gifts for the wrong reasons. I know I grew up in a family where I was always the over giver who did so out of guilt, and now, I will make every effort not to ever give out of guilt or to give simply because I expect love or admiration in return. Gifts mean that there are no strings attached, and should come only out of love with proper boundaries. It's our choice. Ofcourse, we don't want to be in a relationship that is one sided, and if that's how we feel, it is our choice about whether to stay and be the only one giving, and we must be very aware that we are making that choice and shouldn't expect in return. We need to move on if we expect more.
Finally, I feel like finding yourself is a key to finding the right friends. You really do have to just be "yourself", and the people you want in your life at a deep level or those who love and accept you for who you are-warts and all. We with anxiety are vulnerable. It's like our fears force us to admit we have weaknesses. Everyone has weaknesses, and usually the people who make fun of us are not being honest about their own fears and weaknesses. They don't want to be vulnerable. They are the ones with the problems that they aren't dealing with, not us. We don't have to tell the entire world we have anxiety, but we should be able to have a close friend or two who will accept us and love us no matter what. We don't need to tell people who are unsafe that we have anxiety, and we learn who we can trust and who we can't. It's all about boundaries.
I've been reading and recommend the following books. "Please Don't Say You Need Me" about co-dependency. "Safe People" and "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud.
I don't have it all figured out by any means, but I am on this journey with you:). We all deserve good friends, and our anxiety sometimes makes us not have the best judgment out of desperation, and we do not have good boundaries. We also tend to enter into relationships feeling that we will be rejected because of our anxiety and feeling "less than." Other people can sense that. Let's really think about it. We have anxiety. So what? We need to accept and love our selves and then we will draw people into our lives who will love us. We're the last people in the world who are going to hurt others. We're not serial killers. We deserve to be loved. We are just as worthy of friendship as anyone else is. Also, we shouldn't expect everyone to like us. Actually, we should probably take it as a compliment if certain people don't like us anyway. Mean, fake people who are always lying and playing games or who are abusive aren't going to like us, and that's good:). We're usually looking at all of our own flaws, and assuming that the other person is better than us, but it's not true. There's not a person on the planet who doesn't have a flaw or weakness. We're just to busy thinking less of ourselves to notice. That happened with my friend. I was too busy feeling abnormal and so grateful for all of her help, that I never questioned her motives, and I couldn't see things. When I got better, she knew that I had more energy to see her, and she hated it. I hope something in here helps. We're all worthy of love and friendship:).
Take Care,
luvpiggy
I struggle with this too, and I have actually posted on here in the past few months about how I had a friend who started to change when I got better with my anxiety. I also have a son who has severe autism, and this really complicates things with friendships, etc. It's not that I was the most social person before, and that hurt me not to have friend or family support when he was diagnosed.
I went through severe trauma and anxiety, and I knew that I "needed" to have more people in my life, and it's been this constant battle. A couple of years ago, I felt I finally found a "best friend". She had anxiety that she used medication to treat, and I was having a horrible time with agoraphobia and taking care of my son. She rushed right in, and just did so many nice things for me. She did my taxes for goodness's sakes:)! Most of what she gave, I never asked for. I am married to a great husband, and this best friend even gave him gifts, etc. I had a lot of fun with her:), and I just felt so much better about myself for having this great friend from God.
This summer, things really began to change, and I began to notice behaviors from the past that were warnings of things to come. I got better with my anxiety. A child that had autism that we knew died from his autism making him escape and run to a nearby river and drowned, and it just snapped things into perspective for me. I knew I needed to get better to be more involved with my son and protect him. I just got better, and then this friend became "needier". At the same time, I was there for her, but I didn't "need" her as much. I wanted her in my life for sure, but it wasn't out of desperation from anxiety. It was out of freedom and love. She felt the shift, and she started to catastrophize things like the rabbits eating her sun flowers in her garden. I wanted to care, but it was hard to see it as a tragedy when I have a child with an incurable brain disorder. She does art, and she always encouraged me to do art, but this summer, I drew a picture of my new dog who helps me with my anxiety, and she was very critical of it. It really caught me off guard. She made comments that appeared that she was actually jealous of my dog, and me talking to other people and my estranged cousin. She suddenly moved to another state which was her choice and called me up when my son was really sick and said that she felt like a "Katrina Victim." My husband and I both grew up on the coast and our hometown was destroyed in Katrina, and she was there during that time so it just shocked me that she would make such a comparison when she chose to move and she had financial, family, and friends helping her. Before she moved she came to visit me on my birthday, and she was disappointed that I didn't plan this big going away part for her. . .on my birthday after a week with no sleep because my son doesn't sleep well. She never said it, but she did all these indirect things to show that all of her other friends were doing all of these great things for her and I wasn't, and she just ignored my son who loves her which is a big deal. He actually went up and gave her a kiss on the cheek when he realized she was ignoring him. He is non-verbal and severe so this was a major accomplishment. He does that a lot with people who come into his life and then try to reject him later, like with my in-law's. I bought her a present with my birthday money, and that's all a mother of a child with autism really has time to do:). I did care about her. I did try to be there for her and understand her, but I just got to this point where my perspective in life has to be more positive for me to be able to cope with autism. I'm grateful for the little things. If I had all of the friends and opportunities she had, I would not be complaining the way she was because of what I have been through. I did let her vent, but she started to compete with me and kept making her situation look worse then mine, and she would snap at me when I tried to help her. She started to play all these games.
Anyway, I could go on and on. It got worse. She ended the friendship, but then said she wanted it back and wanted to work it out, but when I went to work out a more limited friendship, she simply said she was sorry for being inconsiderate, but didn't really have much to say. I just couldn't work it out with her, and I lost my patience and ended up exploding on her.
So yes, it's very hard to find friends, and yet we do need to have good friends. Here are some things I learned. In our situation, we must be very careful about co-dependency. Co-dependency is an unequal relationship where one person in the relationship is an "over-giver" for the wrong reasons, and one person is an "over-taker." My friend was an "over-giver" for the wrong reasons. It made her feel good about herself to be the person who was mainly giving gifts to me and helping with my son. It gave her a sense of purpose and boosted her ego, and made her feel like she had the power in the relationship. However, I didn't mean to be an "over-taker", but I had severe anxiety and my son has an incurable brain disorder. I was taking steps to get better, and when I actually got better and thought my friend would be happier about that and our relationship being more equal, she didn't really want me well or an equal relationship because she liked having the power in the relationship. She also gave to me thinking that there would be a time I could pay her back for her help. I gave to her what I had to give while taking care of my son who's life has been in danger. I could never choose her over my son. I gave what I had to give which included talking to her on the phone while watching my son, and then she got to where she felt entitled to it. My son was in danger when she moved, and I couldn't talk to her, and she said that I "bailed" on her when she moved after she had given me so much so that showed that she expected me to be there for her no matter what was going on with my son. There are definitely "over-takers" who purposely do so to use you though, and we with anxiety have to be careful about that. We should never help someone because we try to get love from them by giving, or we feel guilty if we don't, etc. This was the first time I could see what that was like to be on the receiving end of having received the gifts for the wrong reasons. I know I grew up in a family where I was always the over giver who did so out of guilt, and now, I will make every effort not to ever give out of guilt or to give simply because I expect love or admiration in return. Gifts mean that there are no strings attached, and should come only out of love with proper boundaries. It's our choice. Ofcourse, we don't want to be in a relationship that is one sided, and if that's how we feel, it is our choice about whether to stay and be the only one giving, and we must be very aware that we are making that choice and shouldn't expect in return. We need to move on if we expect more.
Finally, I feel like finding yourself is a key to finding the right friends. You really do have to just be "yourself", and the people you want in your life at a deep level or those who love and accept you for who you are-warts and all. We with anxiety are vulnerable. It's like our fears force us to admit we have weaknesses. Everyone has weaknesses, and usually the people who make fun of us are not being honest about their own fears and weaknesses. They don't want to be vulnerable. They are the ones with the problems that they aren't dealing with, not us. We don't have to tell the entire world we have anxiety, but we should be able to have a close friend or two who will accept us and love us no matter what. We don't need to tell people who are unsafe that we have anxiety, and we learn who we can trust and who we can't. It's all about boundaries.
I've been reading and recommend the following books. "Please Don't Say You Need Me" about co-dependency. "Safe People" and "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud.
I don't have it all figured out by any means, but I am on this journey with you:). We all deserve good friends, and our anxiety sometimes makes us not have the best judgment out of desperation, and we do not have good boundaries. We also tend to enter into relationships feeling that we will be rejected because of our anxiety and feeling "less than." Other people can sense that. Let's really think about it. We have anxiety. So what? We need to accept and love our selves and then we will draw people into our lives who will love us. We're the last people in the world who are going to hurt others. We're not serial killers. We deserve to be loved. We are just as worthy of friendship as anyone else is. Also, we shouldn't expect everyone to like us. Actually, we should probably take it as a compliment if certain people don't like us anyway. Mean, fake people who are always lying and playing games or who are abusive aren't going to like us, and that's good:). We're usually looking at all of our own flaws, and assuming that the other person is better than us, but it's not true. There's not a person on the planet who doesn't have a flaw or weakness. We're just to busy thinking less of ourselves to notice. That happened with my friend. I was too busy feeling abnormal and so grateful for all of her help, that I never questioned her motives, and I couldn't see things. When I got better, she knew that I had more energy to see her, and she hated it. I hope something in here helps. We're all worthy of love and friendship:).
Take Care,
luvpiggy
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Still Kickin
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:08 pm
Friends....I am so glad to read your post. I am sooo sorry you were betrayed. Sev wks ago the same thing happened to me. When I saw the word cousin in your post it all came back to me-and that is okay-because I need to deal with what happened too. I was so hurt by a cousin who was like a sister to me all our lives-we went to school together-we even lived together after school-get this: Her husband died a yr before mine did. We were both left with boys to raise-a yr. apart. It is freaky how our lives have been parallelsp? almost all our lives-we are the same age....both Geminis-on and on. We have made alot of good memories-but like I said sev wks ago she had a meltdown on me and I don't think I can ever feel the same about her again.
I have tried to take into consideration that 2 yrs. ago she was finally dx'd Bi-polar. I had been begging her to go and get checked out but it took a very bad meltdown and her older daughter signing her into a hospital-twice in 2 yrs. to get her there. the meds she is on make her desensitized. She cannot cry-no tears-no crying-early evenings she sounds like a robot. To make a short story long....so to speak-her being Bi-polar and me knowing something was wrong-I have supported her mentally and physically sometimes to the point of exhaustion with her bad trips and calling me and keeping me on the phone for hrs.She lives an hr away from me.
Recently I tried to talk to her about her son after the police showing up at her door and neighbors complaining about BBs being shot at their houses, cars and children. My son used to love to go visit her and her son-the last trip was last fall-I wondered why he stopped hanging with the boys and sat with me toward the end of the visit-as it turns out he was afraid the boys were going to get caught as they wildly ran around town destroying people's yards and stuff. My son is way smarter than that plus he has a big heart to boot. Those boys had been cutting tires and wanted him to join them-but he wouldn't-he skated home-wich I told him how proud I was of him. Trying to tell my cousin was like talking to a rock. But, all at once she exploded at me.I just said she should stop her boy from running with the ones he was and make him stay home if he didn't get new friends. It's almost everyday after school she doesn't see him til dark! I would croak-she gave him a cell phone-but why? to call her just before or after he destoyed something! Call her from jail?!
So there goes yrs. down the drain. I pray for her and that is all I can do for her now. After looking back over the yrs. all I see is me supporting her in one way or another-not for any other reason than I cared for her so much.
I am really sorry for all we have to go through-but like one post said-what don't kill us makes us stronger-
Hang in there-my neice works with autistic children. She is a really sweet and heart rendering person. I had a neighbor here who was taking care of her H autistic brother plus 4 of ther one kids like stairsteps. Last summer on a trip to the lake he walked into deep water and they lost him.They all including the other children depended on each other to watch him-somebody wasn't looking and he drowned. I had him and the others down here for my son's B-day in Jan before he drowned in July. I am so glad I had that time with him-he sure touched my life in a special way. Do you know how special YOU are for God to give you your son?! God only gives these special babies to very special mothers!
I hope your day is good today.
Always, Deb ^J^
I have tried to take into consideration that 2 yrs. ago she was finally dx'd Bi-polar. I had been begging her to go and get checked out but it took a very bad meltdown and her older daughter signing her into a hospital-twice in 2 yrs. to get her there. the meds she is on make her desensitized. She cannot cry-no tears-no crying-early evenings she sounds like a robot. To make a short story long....so to speak-her being Bi-polar and me knowing something was wrong-I have supported her mentally and physically sometimes to the point of exhaustion with her bad trips and calling me and keeping me on the phone for hrs.She lives an hr away from me.
Recently I tried to talk to her about her son after the police showing up at her door and neighbors complaining about BBs being shot at their houses, cars and children. My son used to love to go visit her and her son-the last trip was last fall-I wondered why he stopped hanging with the boys and sat with me toward the end of the visit-as it turns out he was afraid the boys were going to get caught as they wildly ran around town destroying people's yards and stuff. My son is way smarter than that plus he has a big heart to boot. Those boys had been cutting tires and wanted him to join them-but he wouldn't-he skated home-wich I told him how proud I was of him. Trying to tell my cousin was like talking to a rock. But, all at once she exploded at me.I just said she should stop her boy from running with the ones he was and make him stay home if he didn't get new friends. It's almost everyday after school she doesn't see him til dark! I would croak-she gave him a cell phone-but why? to call her just before or after he destoyed something! Call her from jail?!
So there goes yrs. down the drain. I pray for her and that is all I can do for her now. After looking back over the yrs. all I see is me supporting her in one way or another-not for any other reason than I cared for her so much.
I am really sorry for all we have to go through-but like one post said-what don't kill us makes us stronger-
Hang in there-my neice works with autistic children. She is a really sweet and heart rendering person. I had a neighbor here who was taking care of her H autistic brother plus 4 of ther one kids like stairsteps. Last summer on a trip to the lake he walked into deep water and they lost him.They all including the other children depended on each other to watch him-somebody wasn't looking and he drowned. I had him and the others down here for my son's B-day in Jan before he drowned in July. I am so glad I had that time with him-he sure touched my life in a special way. Do you know how special YOU are for God to give you your son?! God only gives these special babies to very special mothers!
I hope your day is good today.
Always, Deb ^J^
A good thing about having Fibromyalgia is...
it's made "bed head" fashionable!
it's made "bed head" fashionable!