Hi Everyone,
I'm an old timer to the program and haven't been back in awhile. Good to be back! I was wondering if anyone has heard of avoidant personality disorder? I've been diagnosed with it and it does fit very well with many of my symptoms. It also involves intense feelings of social isolation and rejection at times. I'm looking for people who have found ways to overcome those feelings and how they did it.
Anybody heard about this before?
Thanks!
Deb
Avoidant personality disorder
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i have heard about it but not sure exactly what it is but i can guess from the title.
i don't know if i too have it but i have an extreme fear of bad social situations happening to me. if i could avoid the situations that cause me to feel this way i could-but since class is the main one right now i can't really.
how does it manifest itself in your life? what do you think caused it?
good luck to you though i will say a little prayer for you:)
i don't know if i too have it but i have an extreme fear of bad social situations happening to me. if i could avoid the situations that cause me to feel this way i could-but since class is the main one right now i can't really.
how does it manifest itself in your life? what do you think caused it?
good luck to you though i will say a little prayer for you:)
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Guest
Hi guys,
As always this forum has a lot of nice people!
Well, APD is kind of a hodge podge of conditions. It seems to be characterized by all the symptoms of severe anxiety, depression, sometimes agorophobia. Often times addictive behaviors, and a tendency to end up in fantasy. Its also very painful and lonely at times. I found it interesting that people with APD tend to like stimulants (for me caffeine is still a biggie, although they were talking controlled substances...caffeine in higher amounts seems to allow me to focus better. Maybe its a self treatment for feelings of overwhelm or depression)
The avoidance behaviors are something that starts in early development, and the above are its symptoms later in life. There are a lot of theories about how it happens. It seems that you have to be very sensitive to be at risk for it. I've been told it can be related to having a Mom that's emotionally unavailable when you're very young. That an infant who's cries are not heard, will stop crying to get their needs met, because at that point they are totally dependent on Mom, so they stay quiet in order to make mom ok again. So if mom gets agitated and flustered when the baby cries, the baby quickly adjusts her behavior so that mom is happy. Because if mom's not happy, the baby may not get what she or he needs. And this could be fatal.
And so the behavior is set before you're even conscious of where it came from. And it continues on through life if you don't recognize it. It would lead you to behave in ways that don't allow you to get your needs met, because the more important the need, the more likely you are to fall back on your old habit. Don't make waves, or you may not get what you need. It becomes physically uncomfortable to openly ask for what you need, if you're even aware of what that is.
It runs in families. Its a form of chronic neglect. No one really feels like they get what they need. It leads to things like very dysfunctional relationships. Instead of facing conflict head on, someone in a family like this may discuss a problem only with a third party (usually within the family). Which means the problem never gets fixed, it just circulates around the family. This is especially difficult when a parent asks a child to listen to their problems. It makes a child into a spouse or sometimes even a parent. But doing things indirectly is the only way to relieve pressure. So everyone does it.
Because everyone suffers from the effects, but few in the family know what is really going on, its unlikely that anything will change. I'm aware of all of this, but I haven't seen any indication that other family members are ready to try to change their behavior. Its kind of cruel to reject them for being avoidant. Because if you walk away from someone in anger thinking they'll adjust their behavior to maintain a relationship with you...think again if they are avoidant!! We pretend that it doesn't matter! Yet it matters a lot. So I've backed down and accept my family members because I love them all and changing them is just not going to happen. I just keep my distance when I need to. And get closer when I can.
I am a little disgusted at how some specialists write about any kind of emotional disorder, because it tends to sound very negative and pessimistic. It seems like introverts are considered flawed, but maybe thats just me. I think there's a gift in this somewhere. If you become aware of your thinking, at least you know where the feelings and behaviors come from.
I am an introvert, I prefer not to work full time because its exhausting. I'm single and I don't see that changing anytime soon. The thought of living with someone or coordinating my life with them is scary to me. Although I could definitely use some company, I feel as though it may not be fair to expect someone to be ok with my distant nature. I rarely find friends that I feel 'connected' to. There's always a sense that they don't know who I really am. So when I really need something, or need to share,I tend to go off by myself. Because I feel like talking to them would include nothing but 'small talk'. And I just can't stand the thought. I tend to carry a lot of people. Meaning I'm the 'rock' in my family, and with friends, and people I work with. Which means I listen to them without interruption. And they love it. And I rarely get that back.
So that sums up what I think Avoidant personality disorder is. And yes it would have been funny if no one replied to this post!
If theres anything good about this, I'd say that maybe becoming aware of it will allow others to figure it out for themselves and it will become known. Not misunderstood, or ignored. I really think that our culture doesn't know how to nurture sensitivity, and that's why things like this happen. But even that's a gift. I could talk about this all day if someone wanted to learn about it! There's no reason it has to be doom and gloom. Its simply a coping mechanism that is out of date. No wonder people get depressed and anxious. Bold people climb mountains (and fall off!) Sensitive people explore themselves and the depths of the world and grow! We have so much to teach.
Ok, off the soapbox.
Thanks!
Deb
As always this forum has a lot of nice people!
Well, APD is kind of a hodge podge of conditions. It seems to be characterized by all the symptoms of severe anxiety, depression, sometimes agorophobia. Often times addictive behaviors, and a tendency to end up in fantasy. Its also very painful and lonely at times. I found it interesting that people with APD tend to like stimulants (for me caffeine is still a biggie, although they were talking controlled substances...caffeine in higher amounts seems to allow me to focus better. Maybe its a self treatment for feelings of overwhelm or depression)
The avoidance behaviors are something that starts in early development, and the above are its symptoms later in life. There are a lot of theories about how it happens. It seems that you have to be very sensitive to be at risk for it. I've been told it can be related to having a Mom that's emotionally unavailable when you're very young. That an infant who's cries are not heard, will stop crying to get their needs met, because at that point they are totally dependent on Mom, so they stay quiet in order to make mom ok again. So if mom gets agitated and flustered when the baby cries, the baby quickly adjusts her behavior so that mom is happy. Because if mom's not happy, the baby may not get what she or he needs. And this could be fatal.
And so the behavior is set before you're even conscious of where it came from. And it continues on through life if you don't recognize it. It would lead you to behave in ways that don't allow you to get your needs met, because the more important the need, the more likely you are to fall back on your old habit. Don't make waves, or you may not get what you need. It becomes physically uncomfortable to openly ask for what you need, if you're even aware of what that is.
It runs in families. Its a form of chronic neglect. No one really feels like they get what they need. It leads to things like very dysfunctional relationships. Instead of facing conflict head on, someone in a family like this may discuss a problem only with a third party (usually within the family). Which means the problem never gets fixed, it just circulates around the family. This is especially difficult when a parent asks a child to listen to their problems. It makes a child into a spouse or sometimes even a parent. But doing things indirectly is the only way to relieve pressure. So everyone does it.
Because everyone suffers from the effects, but few in the family know what is really going on, its unlikely that anything will change. I'm aware of all of this, but I haven't seen any indication that other family members are ready to try to change their behavior. Its kind of cruel to reject them for being avoidant. Because if you walk away from someone in anger thinking they'll adjust their behavior to maintain a relationship with you...think again if they are avoidant!! We pretend that it doesn't matter! Yet it matters a lot. So I've backed down and accept my family members because I love them all and changing them is just not going to happen. I just keep my distance when I need to. And get closer when I can.
I am a little disgusted at how some specialists write about any kind of emotional disorder, because it tends to sound very negative and pessimistic. It seems like introverts are considered flawed, but maybe thats just me. I think there's a gift in this somewhere. If you become aware of your thinking, at least you know where the feelings and behaviors come from.
I am an introvert, I prefer not to work full time because its exhausting. I'm single and I don't see that changing anytime soon. The thought of living with someone or coordinating my life with them is scary to me. Although I could definitely use some company, I feel as though it may not be fair to expect someone to be ok with my distant nature. I rarely find friends that I feel 'connected' to. There's always a sense that they don't know who I really am. So when I really need something, or need to share,I tend to go off by myself. Because I feel like talking to them would include nothing but 'small talk'. And I just can't stand the thought. I tend to carry a lot of people. Meaning I'm the 'rock' in my family, and with friends, and people I work with. Which means I listen to them without interruption. And they love it. And I rarely get that back.
So that sums up what I think Avoidant personality disorder is. And yes it would have been funny if no one replied to this post!
If theres anything good about this, I'd say that maybe becoming aware of it will allow others to figure it out for themselves and it will become known. Not misunderstood, or ignored. I really think that our culture doesn't know how to nurture sensitivity, and that's why things like this happen. But even that's a gift. I could talk about this all day if someone wanted to learn about it! There's no reason it has to be doom and gloom. Its simply a coping mechanism that is out of date. No wonder people get depressed and anxious. Bold people climb mountains (and fall off!) Sensitive people explore themselves and the depths of the world and grow! We have so much to teach.
Ok, off the soapbox.
Thanks!
Deb