Thinking about how to approach this
okay I have some serious issues to be assertive about. first is that I have to be assertive with my family. but I keep thinking what should I say. I don't know why I keep doing this. Even though I know this is about me. but I keep "fearing" and not knowing what to say. as if it is going to be the last time I am going to be able to talk to them(this might be true because I am here with them for a few days and I will like to go back but I want to put a stop to their manipulations and I think that I have to say everything I need to say before I feel like the connection is cut off forever). first of all my dad used to have some arguements with me and I had to move out but that is not the issue, the issue is that my younger brothers and "especially" my mom has become a weapon for him. and even though they used to not talk to me they now do and I want to put a stop to this. and second I have to tell them that I don't like them living with my dad(yah!! that is how I feel) but I don't know how to tell them and I fear if I do .. nothing is going to happen. basically the way they used to be all of them one team against me(the oldest son in the family) and now they talk to me again when I am out of the house.. this is not healthy and I have to somehow tell them but I keep having these fears and not know how to tell them. and also because I feel it is not going to have an effect.
Hi,
I'm not an expert or anything, but I've had a lot of practice setting boundaries with dysfunctional family members. Take a deep breath and relax. I know you feel like you are on a time line, but I don't think you should pressure yourself like this. It's like you've been holding this all in and you are angry over repeated boundary violations and you just think you have to explode. You don't, I promise.
You can get away from the situation, and maybe even be assertive by writing a letter so that you can say exactly what you want to say in a more rational and calm manner. Remember that this program teaches us to have realistic expectations. I do encourage you to set healthy boundaries with your family, but be realistic about your motivations and expectations for "letting them have it" so to speak. Most of the time when we choose to confront people who have hurt us in the most healthy way, we really can't expect a loving response. It's great when that happens, but we can never control how the other person responds, and if our expectations aren't realistic it often adds a lot more pain to the mix.
Secondly, I will recommend a few books that you may be able to get from your local public library. The first book is "Boundaries:When to say 'Yes' and when to say 'No'" by Dr. Henry Cloud. Knowing about healthy boundaries is very important in a dysfunctional system. The simple act of saying "No" and removing yourself from an unhealthy situation is very effective in most instances and won't require a knock down drag out. So, that's just something you can learn from the book. There are two other books I've heard about, and one is called, "Emotional Blackmail" and the other is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." Look into some of these sources to get more information first so you will feel more confident about exactly what it is that you want to protect yourself from.
I can't tell everything from what you've written, but it looks like you've been manipulated by your family of origin. It looks like there is triangulation, meaning that your sibling and mother are being used by your dad to address issues he should be addressing with you directly.
You have several options here, but I can tell that this is a big deal, and you must figure out what is your responsibility and what's theirs. For example, I wonder how much good it is going to do to tell them that you don't like them living with your dad. It looks like these are people that are busy hurting you, and telling them something else that hurts you may backfire on you and be a way to manipulate you further. If I'm understanding correctly, and I may very well not be, so I apologize if that's the situation.
When we learn to be assertive, we often are afraid of how the other people are going to respond. The truth of the matter is that if we set healthy limits and the person rejects us, then that is their problem, and it's painful when it's a family member, but that person isn't worth having in our lives in a deep intimate relationship because it isn't good for us or even for them to think that they can treat people badly with no consequences. We may be able to have a relationship with them that doesn't require deep intimacy, but a healthy and loving person will respect our limits and boundaries. Some will be shocked at first, and come around eventually, but that may not happen either.
I can just tell you that I grew up in a violent family. As an adult, it was hard for me to stand up for myself, speak my mind, etc. without fear that I would be abused in return. It used to require a ton of adrenaline for me to even speak up. It was just my body expecting to be hurt in return. So, I guess what I am saying is not to expect perfection. That you are desiring to take care of yourself and protect yourself from dysfunctional behavior is a huge step to start with. Give yourself credit for that. If you can, start with baby steps and find smaller situations to assert yourself. People who are learning to set boundaries often come across too strong at first. It's because multiple hurts have built up, and maybe they aren't just mad at the cashier who's providing poor customer service, but maybe they are mad at everyone who ever treated them poorly, and it all just explodes. Try to be careful with that.
I hope I didn't confuse you, and I wish you well with this complicated and painful situation.
Take care,
luvpiggy
I'm not an expert or anything, but I've had a lot of practice setting boundaries with dysfunctional family members. Take a deep breath and relax. I know you feel like you are on a time line, but I don't think you should pressure yourself like this. It's like you've been holding this all in and you are angry over repeated boundary violations and you just think you have to explode. You don't, I promise.
You can get away from the situation, and maybe even be assertive by writing a letter so that you can say exactly what you want to say in a more rational and calm manner. Remember that this program teaches us to have realistic expectations. I do encourage you to set healthy boundaries with your family, but be realistic about your motivations and expectations for "letting them have it" so to speak. Most of the time when we choose to confront people who have hurt us in the most healthy way, we really can't expect a loving response. It's great when that happens, but we can never control how the other person responds, and if our expectations aren't realistic it often adds a lot more pain to the mix.
Secondly, I will recommend a few books that you may be able to get from your local public library. The first book is "Boundaries:When to say 'Yes' and when to say 'No'" by Dr. Henry Cloud. Knowing about healthy boundaries is very important in a dysfunctional system. The simple act of saying "No" and removing yourself from an unhealthy situation is very effective in most instances and won't require a knock down drag out. So, that's just something you can learn from the book. There are two other books I've heard about, and one is called, "Emotional Blackmail" and the other is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." Look into some of these sources to get more information first so you will feel more confident about exactly what it is that you want to protect yourself from.
I can't tell everything from what you've written, but it looks like you've been manipulated by your family of origin. It looks like there is triangulation, meaning that your sibling and mother are being used by your dad to address issues he should be addressing with you directly.
You have several options here, but I can tell that this is a big deal, and you must figure out what is your responsibility and what's theirs. For example, I wonder how much good it is going to do to tell them that you don't like them living with your dad. It looks like these are people that are busy hurting you, and telling them something else that hurts you may backfire on you and be a way to manipulate you further. If I'm understanding correctly, and I may very well not be, so I apologize if that's the situation.
When we learn to be assertive, we often are afraid of how the other people are going to respond. The truth of the matter is that if we set healthy limits and the person rejects us, then that is their problem, and it's painful when it's a family member, but that person isn't worth having in our lives in a deep intimate relationship because it isn't good for us or even for them to think that they can treat people badly with no consequences. We may be able to have a relationship with them that doesn't require deep intimacy, but a healthy and loving person will respect our limits and boundaries. Some will be shocked at first, and come around eventually, but that may not happen either.
I can just tell you that I grew up in a violent family. As an adult, it was hard for me to stand up for myself, speak my mind, etc. without fear that I would be abused in return. It used to require a ton of adrenaline for me to even speak up. It was just my body expecting to be hurt in return. So, I guess what I am saying is not to expect perfection. That you are desiring to take care of yourself and protect yourself from dysfunctional behavior is a huge step to start with. Give yourself credit for that. If you can, start with baby steps and find smaller situations to assert yourself. People who are learning to set boundaries often come across too strong at first. It's because multiple hurts have built up, and maybe they aren't just mad at the cashier who's providing poor customer service, but maybe they are mad at everyone who ever treated them poorly, and it all just explodes. Try to be careful with that.
I hope I didn't confuse you, and I wish you well with this complicated and painful situation.
Take care,
luvpiggy
Focus on what you want, not what you fear...
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