New member saying hi

[BenK]

Where to even begin…

I purchased the program a few days ago in conjunction with Panic Away. Panic Away has already helped me eliminate many of the worst of my panic attacks, although my GAD is still very much alive and well (and it thanks you for asking!). My journey to this point has certainly been an interesting one. This is a lengthy introduction, but it details quite an interesting experience.

I’ve always been a high-strung, admittedly tightly-wound, on-the-go person. A state champion and national top-10 ranking public speaker in high school, a successful college student at a wonderful university, surrounded by the best of friends I could ask for, an incredible Fraternity experience and a passion for airplanes that has guided my path in life thus far since the age of 3 and will surely guide it in the future. If you’d ask my friends to name one person they thought truly ‘had it together’ I am quite certain my name would come up.

It seems, though, that they were wrong, as my life has been full of success for someone my age (20, about to be 21), but not without constant contradictions. I’d gladly give helpful advice for my friends, but was never able to follow it myself. I was deeply passionate about airplanes, but terrified of flying. I was surrounded by dedicated and amazing friends, but never felt like I could give them as much as they gave me, and I felt like a burden.

Although I was able to fight all of that away for 20 years, reality came crashing down hard on me last October. An internship I had started had gone by the wayside – for once, my plate was too full, and I started becoming much more inwardly focused. I tacked the label of depression on myself so that I’d have an excuse for my friends. Some how, I got through the semester, vowing that whatever it was that was depressing me would be alleviated by my January study abroad trip to India, which was exciting not just for the destination, but for me, as an aviation enthusiast, an opportunity to fly on the new Airbus A380.

Fast forward: it’s just after midnight on January 4th and my A380 is climbing above the skies of New York bound for Dubai. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a terror comes over me; “What am I doing on this plane for 13 hours? I could die on this thing. I can’t do this – I can’t go to India, am I nuts?!” I feed the fear and start thinking to myself how I can get the plane to divert to Boston to let me off. Some fifteen minutes later, though, the feeling is quickly replaced by that prior excitement and I laughed off the entire experience.

Three days later at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Cochin, India, I am eating dinner with a few friends and we are marveling at all the local delicacies we’re going to enjoy. Some dishes are better than others, but I revert back to mine, take a bite and WHAM. My entire mouth goes numb, my body gets flushed and I am so dizzy I feel like I am going to pass out. I’m trembling and we quickly pay the bill and go back to the hotel – I drink a bottle of water and fall asleep. The next day, fine as usual, and I think, “Wow, that was some heck of a food poisoning.”

I made it back to the states at the end of what was truly a life changing experience abroad, but when I returned, things started to get ugly. From migraines, to allergies, to waking up in the middle of the night crying, I had no idea what was wrong with me. Between February and March, I had specialists from headache neurologists to allergists diagnosing the ‘exact’ cause of my problems. Never once did anxiety come into the picture.

In February and March, I had been given (in this order):
+ Naproxen 600mg
+ Cymbalta 30mg (for 3 weeks as a migraine preventative)
+ Singulair
+ Atarax
+ Prednisone
+ Nasonex
+ Astepro
+ Effexor (never took it)
+ Fioricet
+ Flexeril

Eventually, the problems became more than I could handle while maintaining a college life, so I washed the semester and came home to sort out the problems. An extensive health analysis concluded I was healthy, with the exception of some minor B12 and D3 deficiencies, which were corrected. I was started on Lexapro and Nystatin (the doctors thought it was a possible yeast overgrowth, but really sided with depression/anxiety/GAD). Over a few months, I became reclusive, and the GAD really took hold and became the primary issue.

Fast forward to now and I am off Lexapro (down from 20mg over 4-5 weeks), with the intention of staying off. Let’s just say it helped me in some ways, but it’s side effects were not worth the trouble. I trialed 30mg of Vyvanse, as I was just diagnosed with ADD, which they believe was part of my depression/anxiety. It helps some, that’s for sure, but to try and maximize the effect of the dopamine, I was taken off Vyvanse and am now coming up on 1 week of Wellbutrin XL. Finally, I’m on Cefdinir for what turned out to be chronic sinusitis (which seems to be just about wrapped up now).

All of this, though, has left me with headaches (the kind where you keep trying to relax your forehead because it feels like its permanently scrunched), dp/dr, and a definite fear of fear; a fear of never finding normalcy again. Of never being able to make a full recovery because I can’t seem to distance myself from the situation; as if it were to be a shadow over me for the rest of my life. The headaches and the spaciness seem like they are 24/7, in varying degrees. Everything is just very heavy... I hate feeling this way, but the physical symptoms seem much more crippling than the emotional ones, which makes it so much harder to accept that this is all anxiety and depression.

I’m eager to read what you have all written here and I’m excited about having a support group that truly gets what it means to live with GAD. I’m not strong enough to beat this alone, but I’ve read these forums, seen the encouragement you give, and am grateful to have found what seems to be genuine and well-intentioned advice.

Here’s to all of us getting better, because really, there is no other option.

Ben

[Guest]

Ben
WOW You are quite the trooper. I am so glad you are sharing all this. You are right , this place is very encouraging and I love reading the Triumphs and Humor threads and the Spirituality threads. They help me so much to know that we aren't alone in this and we are NOT crazy or Hopeless. You are very bright and you write well. I could easily see everything in my minds eye. Cool.
Keep posting and I am excited you are on this journey with us.
Take Care

Jill~

[Guest]

Hey Ben! Thanks for posting your story. I found it quite similar to mine (with the exception of the medications). I'm glad to know you're getting on board, too. I'm a "newbie" here, so to speak, as well. I look forward to reading your posts!

Jason