Bad Marriage

stuckinwoods · Post by **stuckinwoods** » Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:21 pm

hi, i'm new here and i have a long, long history of anxiety and depression - dating back to 1972. in 1987, i actually attended Lucinda's weekly group in Toledo, for a short time. i have several problems in my life -- actually, every aspect of my life is totally screwed up, but my major concern right now is my marriage. i'm in a very emotionally abusive and controlling relationship with my husband, and in fact, most days HATE him and want out. i'm afraid though -- afraid to leave, afraid to try to make it on my own, afraid i'll fail again and end up homeless. i have no one to help me or no where to go; otherwise, i would have been gone by now. i'm 61 years old and feel as though i've wasted years and years of my life -- trying to deal with my illnesses and all the other stuff, but deep inside, i know, i would have a much better life if i could leave my marriage. i have no idea where to begin. i've actually been to an abuse counselor who told me to get out "now" but that's a lot easier said than done. i feel pretty hopeless and wonder if i'm going to have to live the rest of my life as miserable as i am right now.
stuckinwoods

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 15, 2010 3:30 am

Stuck,

Why not stay where you are? After all, it has worked out so good for you this far. You are only 61! No one deserve to be in an abusive relationship. But you are afraid to fail again, so? Failure is part of life. Failure is a learning expirience! You say you "hate" him. Why stay? You are beating yourself up for the things your HUSBAND has done to you. You did not do anything. GET OUT NOW!!! YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! Everyone has others they can turn to, EVERYONE!!!! You said you have no one, what about children, church, and coworkers? What about brothers, sisters and aunts? What about uncles, cousins and pets. Yes pets! While pets may not be able to help get you out of the bad relationship you are in, they sure can help by listening!!!

Get out now and be safe. Take care of you!!!

Keep us posted!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 15, 2010 4:17 am

Begin by educating on the complexities of your situation. You can take baby steps in growing stronger in order to prepare yourself to leave. If you would care for more information, just pm me. I see the sun shining as you have taken the first step in recognizing that you are worthy of so much more.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 15, 2010 10:20 am

I had some of the same thoughts about the marriage I am in and if I were to go on my own. All the what ifs started.
What if I don't have enough money.
My wife carries the health insurance so what if I will not have health insurance and get very sick.

After thinking about it for a while I know I would figure it all out and make it all work. You have to tell yourself you can do it and believe it!

I think the first step for myself is getting my self esteem back up to where I feel good. I used one of the suggestions on one of my posts from someone to write 30 positive affirmations about yourself and study them in the morning, night before bed, and keep it in you car. They said the repitition will help you believe them. I just started yesturday but I alredy feel better saying these nice things about myself and I have been VERY anxious with my problems in my marriage.

I did not think I could come up with 30 but I ended up with 35 now and keep adding to them.

These are some of the ones I came up with.

I am confident
I an strong
I am intelligent
I am special
I am talented
I am unique
I will conquer this
I will be patient
I am proud of myself
I accept myself for who I am
I am committed to practice this
I am loving
I am a good problem solver
I am sincere and honest
I am in control of my thoughts
I am the only one that can change my thoughts
I have a nice smile
It will get easier with practice
I have a lot of energy
There are a lot of good things about me
I will be compassionate with myself
Positive thoughts produce positive feelings
I am outgoing
I will do it
I feel soothed
My mind is calm
I will change my thoughts to feel better

I hope this helps you and me feel better!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 16, 2010 12:25 pm

thanks all for your input and advice. i really appreciate it. and, making a list of affirmations is a great idea.
oh, and on an up note -- i no longer have panic attacks and i quit taking lorazepam in 2007. i still deal with depression, etc., but i know that's mostly situational and once i leave this marriage, i will feel better.
thanks again!
stuck

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:25 pm

Stuckinwoods
I am so sorry for your abusive relationship because I can imagine that it makes your anxiety and depression worse. It is much easier said than done to leave and start over, but it could be worth it and wildcard is right NOBODY deserves to be treated like that. I think it is a great idea you are seeing a counsler. I think it may help if you can find a support group where you live that you can attend (not that this isn't a VERY helpful site) but if you went in person you could get more support and make more friends and not feel like you don't have anyone. It's tough, but 61 is still young and there IS someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 16, 2010 8:35 pm

thanks Anna.
you know, i've been thinking a lot about this today and even though i don't have actual panic attacks, i still have loads of anxiety. instead of it coming out in panic attacks, it's ruining my health. i have so many health issues it's ridiculous. and some days, my ocd is so bad, because it's the one way i use to try to feel in control. if things are orderly inside my head and around me, i feel like i'm in charge here. ha, my life couldn't be anymore out of control. my emotions depend on his moods. if he's in a good mood, then i feel more hopeful but as soon as he goes into a rage, i'm brought back to reality and realize it's never going to get any better til i'm long gone. oh to take that first step --- it's so hard, especially since i have no money or place to go -- other than a temporary shelter. i need a miracle, i guess. just thinking "out loud."

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 17, 2010 3:34 am

Hi Stuck - well you can either remain where you are and wait until something happens or do something on your own. I've known women who stay in abusive relationships wither away, and it's not pretty. What can you lose at this point.

I'd say to make a plan for yourself. Write on paper the steps you need to take for happiness What do YOU need to do.

God bless you Stuck.