Difficult People

Shal416 · Post by **Shal416** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:58 am

DebDebI am sorry I wasn't at all helping you for my latest melt down.
I have personal experience with alcoholics in recovery. Does he have a sponsor? He really needs one. Someone for him to talk to and a sponsor will not let him keep on as he is going. He has to work the steps. A yr. into recovery he ought to have the anger in check pretty much. If he doesn't have a sponsor and isn't actively wking the steps he is a dry drunk. He will still have the same behaviors he had when he drank. That is what the steps are
for to bring him to a more current time in his life to try and make ammends to himself and others. You would benefit from alnonsp? Has anyone told you about that prog.? They say that once a person starts drinking they stop growing-so depending whatever age he got started he is still thinking like that age does. You may be raisin another kid! Most people the starting age is about 18! Your H could be as young mentally as your oldest kid! And he is probably really mad at himself-and taking it out on you. After a yr there should not be a reason to walk on egg shells around him. Now if you said he was like 30 to 90 days into recovery I could reason that-but not a yr. Something isn't going right with this AA group. He has to unlearn the type of behavior he has developed while he was drinking. I believe his anger is more toward himself-but that is no excuse to treat you bad.Has he had a physical?in the last year? His drinking has changed alot of things and he could have a sugar problem-or sev other things from it. A good physical would help. But, be careful the Dr. doesn't give him something for his anxiety.
In AA they call the way he is acting-"stinkin' thinkin" and at the 1st sign he needs to call his sponsor. You can't sponsor him it needs to be another member of AA.
Life is too short-trust me-there is a good life for you to have and if he doesn't try harder on his behavior-he might just lose the only people who care about him.
I can help you with this if you want. I can even sponsor him-but he really needs someone close by. I have 15 yrs and today sober-it wasn't easy but the quality of life I was able to have after I admitted I had a problem was so worth it!
Please let me know if I can do anything to help.
I tried to post earlier to you - I hit post now and my post disappeared! Next time he starts his crap-just go.........hey, Hon, Easy Does It! That might make him look at you like you have 2 heads-but I bet it gets his attention! hahahahaha Eaaaaaaaaasy Does it Baby! LOL
I hope you will get back to me if you need to.
Always 4 HIM,
Deb ^J^
Romans: chapter 8

TRUE · Post by **TRUE** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 12:44 pm

DebDeb I'm sorry were both going through this

But I do have faith like you that God will see us through. I praise the Lord that things could be alot worse like physical abuse upon me and the children and it is not...Though no type of abuse should be done. I had a therapy session she said, "When it comes to the children if not for ourselves its time to remove the threator. Children are facing enough in life as it is, they don't need it at home." Even Jesus had to throw every one out of the temple when they were doing things unfit to God....(A minister shared that with me this evening)

I pray for peace to be restored back in your home and that God would correct every part that is crooked in your home and that it all align to the word that you and I are believing in and for.

Blessings to you always.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:00 pm

I totally screwed up.

He was giving me the cold shoulder treatment for 4 days since Thursday night when we were in session. he told me I was controlling and lashed out at me very 'angrily'. You can cut the tension with a knife. so I finally had it today when he tells
me it's his one year sobriety and that I don't care about it -all this BS that is just not true. I BLEW up -couldn't take it anymore started to cry and scream at the same time. I told him to STOP taking his frustrations out on me and to stop being RUDE and ANGRY. I did nothing wrong-why was I being punished for something I brought up in therapy? He says he feels 'victimized' that I always have a complaint about him in our therapy sessions -and
the the doctor is always on my side. WTH? I know I tried to not be affected by it; I tried to ignore him but it was SO hard and I gave into
being provoked. I feel so bad that I had failed
at session 6. I couldn't just dismiss his mistreatment of me. I couldn't stand his blaming me anymore and blew up with a crying and
screaming session.
Gosh; I should have walked away or something but I didn't---I am going to do session 6 again.

BTTRFLY · Post by **BTTRFLY** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:44 pm

deb deb,
i have been where your husband nd GOD took the desire away and i was blessed by it. it takes awhile for the effects of drrinking to wear off.it did for me and that was a long time ago..be patient and hang in there and i hope that he comes around..i know that you are hanging n therethe best that you can and we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers..take care and be blessed.
don

still kickin,
what you wrote about almost made me think of the times my daughter came to see her grandmother on the holidays especially easter. she would drive 4 1/2 hours to her house ann i lived less then 30 minutes away and did not come see me until last year..i know how that hurts and family can be so mean..i know how you feel or what you go through when you have a FMS flare.my wife has that happen often..i wish that they would make you feel better and have the get togethers closer to where you live..maybe they will see the light someday.hang in there and be strong..take care and know you are in our thoughts and prayers and GOD BLESS.
don

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:46 pm

Deb Bless your heart-don't be so down on you. You must have like me..."Skipped the mind reading course?"
Deb hang in honey-we can't be perfect all the time. Like I said before-"in my Strive to be perfect I fail." If it was his yr. B-day he could have reminded you-not expected you to remember! He needs to take as much responsibility for his behavior as you do! Please don't let this get a hold of you-it's okay-remember?
Did you ask him if he has a sponsor and about alnon meetings for you? Ask him if he is wking the 12 steps to recovery. If he was he would see how he is acting! Does he have the Blue Book-it's the AA's Bible.
Remember-Easy Does it. I just don't think he is wking on his steps-it is no diff than what we are doing here-just diff steps. The AA program will help him but it won't just happen one day and he is all better.If you are going to do step 6? again-he needs to do step one-admitting he has a problem-with 'stinkin thinkin'-and on a dry drunk. They are worse than the wet ones! LOL LOL just a little humor here.
God Bless you Deb at least you haven't killed him!! More funny? I will put you in my prayers tonight for sure. "You take it easy"-that's another AA slogan.Ask him about the steps-If you want to and a sponsor. It's the tried and true method for recovery.
God Bless,
Deb^J^
We are More than Conquerors to HIM that Loved us. Romans 8:37

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:51 pm

believer08,
i am so sorry that you are going through so much with your husband. i had no idea until i read what you wrote..we will keep you in our prayers that GOD will turn his life around.i remember when i was running from GOD that i was miserable and i do not know what he is doing but i hope that he gets right and starts treating you and the kids better. hang in there and stay strong in the word and keep praying..you are in our thoughts and prayers always...GOD BLESS..
DON

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 4:06 pm

Wow I am so surprised at this thread, I am glad to know that I am not alone in this. Don't get me wrong I am so sorry for you going through this Deb and Believer it is just when you talk to most people on the site there spouses are so supportive I always felt so alone in that department. My hubby is also emotionally abusive for a very long time and an alcoholic and we have no communication any more at all. It is so lonley when you have to live with anxiety, depression, panic etc... with no support at all. I will be praying for you as well I wish we didn't have this in common it is just so weird that I have never ever had this topic come up or maybe I have missed it. If you ever need to talk I TOTALLY understand and you can pm me anytime. I am so sorry for what you are going through I do understand it though. I am not sure how to handle it either though, sorry I wish I had some good advice.
God bless you on this journey
Mimi

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 4:31 pm

Wow, now there are 3 of you. Mimi especially, in the time I've gotten to know you, I had no idea you had no support for my husband.

Listening to all of you ladies makes me feel sad for you. I will keep you in my prayers because I don't know what kind of help I can give other than listen and PRAY but prayer is a great help. This talk makes me realize the fine man I have and to show my appreciation to Him and God more and more. Yes, we have our arguments. Seems like every Sun. morning for sure but I know who is causing the problem and I need to remember that "great is he that is in me than he that is in the world."

Believer and Deb Deb feel free to pour out your hearts here. I do agree the books or mtgs. from Al-Anon would be helpful. I went years back when my hubby did drink. Also my mom very much acts like a dry drunk and it helped some in dealing with her. Unfortunately I do see some of those same behaviors in me that I see in my mom. I lose it with my husband and end up crying and screaming and then have the guilt like you Deb. Hang in there and call out to the Lord, it will get better.

Emma Rose · Post by **Emma Rose** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:43 am

Hi Deb, as a man, you must understand that sometimes... well most of the time we become worst than children ha. Well some of us...ha

Deb, you have the ability to respond the way you want to - no matter what your husband say's or react to you.
In fact, the only thing we have complete control over is our actions.
However, the way you respond will impact the situation either positively or negatively.
If you have a quick trigger, count to 10 and then respond. Remember the big picture. You do not want to win the battle, but lose the war.
Your objective is to resolve disputes and get on to bigger and better things.
People have gotten divorced over where one of them squeezes the tooth paste tube. Don’t make that mistake. Don't make the same mistake I've done.
… and when in doubt -
Treat your husband like you would like to be treated.
Communication, is the only powerful tool that a married couple has.
The ability not to hear but to listen.
Deb. go out for supper and just talk, let him know that you need to be able to 'voice' your concerns without fearing that he will become enraged and defensive all the time, and how his 'defensive hurtful words'. is really affecting you. You need to do is outside your house... Restaurant is a good place.
If he truly, unconditionally loves you, the way we should all love ourselves, he will put an effort to change.
If not well. You need to look out for number 1... YOU DEB...
My wife used many hurtful words. Words like, I'm crazy, I'm not a man, I'm sick,
Lets just say we're separated for 4 months now, and it feels great not to hear, not only hear but feel those words.
Hope your husband can understand before it becomes to late for him.
Hope this helps.
If you wish to chat and get a Males point of view. I here for you Deb
Smirnoff.boy@hotmail.com
Ciao Your Canadian friend Steven

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:08 am

Deb, don't be too hard on yourself.
If you bark at a dog, eventually he will bark back.
Deb, we are only human, even the strongest breaks at time... You have not fail at anything.
Remember Life is one big school. Learn from this and try not to repeat it in the future.
But don't be too hard on yourself.
Remember Communicate.
Always here for you.
Ciao your Canadian friend Steven