I've been feeling down and out lately. I'm 24 and unemployed. I had a great job teaching piano at a local music studio. I love music and am really good at it. I never got a degree in music or in anything for that matter at college. My boss was so nice at first at the music school, he liked me right off the bat and thought I'd be great for his "team" of music teachers. I did study with my piano teacher on how to teach and spent a lot of time learning. Anyways, I worked there for about 3 years. I've always had anxiety but I lived with it. Last fall it started getting really bad. I was very physically sick. I suffer with IBS. My boss and the people who were scheduling my students ended up giving me so many and I was so overwhelmed. I tried to tell them all very assertively that I could only work so much. They didn't listen. It ended with me being so sick and frustrated that I called out all of the time and my boss and I said it would be best if I didn't work there for the time being. He has since about 2 months ago call and ask how I was and I told him great 'cause I always tried to pretend it wasn't stress, that there was actually something physically wrong with my stomache because I was embasrassed. He told me to come back and work. I said ok, and never went. I found this program in February, my boyfriend actually heard an advertisement for it and bought it for me. We have been dating for over a year and a half now. My anxiety has improved, although I'm not doing much. I walk everyday, I play music, read a lot. I do all the things that make me happy. I do find that if I have to do something that I don't want to, my anxiety returns. I am going to be playing in two piano recitals in a couple of weeks which I am petrified of, but it will be good for me to face a fear. I have overcome a lot since I was 17. I felt spacety for years and stressed and just trying to exist. I did have a a great job that I thought I never would have had. But now, I'm 24, live at home with my parents and I'm unemployed and have no idea what direction to go to next. I have no skills except for music, and I'm not sure if I really even want to teach again anyways...I'd want to do it on my own and not many parents take you seriously if you don't have a degree. : (
But, I feel myself depending on my boyfriend a little...he pays wherever we go. I'm used to supporting myself, until I lost my job. He keeps telling me that I could live with him and he'd support me. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to support myself. My dream is to live by myself, have my own place and my own money and be happy. I don't know what I want to do for a job. I write everyday... I love writing, I would love to write for a living, but that seems so out of reach. I am going to start a writing class next week, it's online but I'm really loooking forward to that. I wrote a lot, I just get embarassed having to tell people all of this in person, especially when they don't understand how I feel. I hope maybe someone has a suggestion for me, or just talk to me. All is MUCH appreciated.
I have been working on being more assertive to people and replacing my negatives with positives. I've really been working on myself since I lost my job. I quit smoking after smoking for 7 years, I lost 15 lbs that I've been wanting to lose, I started eating better, and I see my therapist once a month.
My main fear is feeling trapped, which is why I don't want to depend on anybody. I also am really anxious about travelling. Not just flying(which I am scared of) but just travelling in general. My boy friend is very adventurous and always wants to take trips and I never go. My friends always invite me to travel and I never go, they've since stopped inviting me and that makes me feel left out. I'm afraid that my stomache will act up and I'll be so far away from my "Safe place" which is my home and my own room and my piano and my books that I'll become really sick with no one to help me. Alex(my boyfriend) seems to get kind of annoyed by my anxiety because he doesn't understand it at all...he's the total opposite. He's a veteran from Iraq, and he loves moutain climbing and scuba diving..everything! I on the other hand think of all the crazy bad things that could happen, or "What if I get sick?" That's the last thing on his mind. In the past when I've travelled I became very sick in my stomache, so I think that's why I'm anxious to travel now. I'd feel comfortable going with my mom. She's very supportive and I think we'd enjoy it together. But she wouldn't go without my dad because she'd feel bad, and my dad makes me anxious...he's very anxious himself so it makes mine worse, he gets angry a lot too. I can't believe I just type all of that!! I thought I'd write for a minute, but I couldn't stop! Thanks for reading everybody. I hope to hear from someone.
