I'm going through a lot. I'm out of work, and my 86 year old mother is not doing well. I had a falling out with my sister's family and it will never be fixed. I had a falling out with my former coworkers.
I wake up this morning to my son having a tantrum thus making my wife yell at him.
To make a long story short I start yelling at my son saying "I can't take this! I'm out of work and MY MOTHER IS DYING!!" Of course he starts crying that he doesn't want his grandma to die!! WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT!!! WHY AM I SO CRUEL! But it's on my mind!
Yesterday my wife was telling him he should get ready one day for that to happen. Of course she didn't tell me she told that to him.
So we both say Grandma is not dying, but she is not feeling well... to comfort him.
So once again my meltdown ruins everything!
My wife won't expect my apology.
ONCE AGAIN MY MELTDOWN RUINS THE DAY!
When all of a sudden have people been taking my meltdowns seriously. When I was growing up there seemed to be no consequences but now there are.
My Meltdown and 7 year old
Songwriter:
All this anger probably comes from fear.
You need a big dose of acceptance.
I think you are going to have to have help with this.
I know you probably don't have money to see someone.
My nephew has an anger problem. He takes Risperdal. That keeps him calmer.
My son takes some kind of an anti-depressant that helps him control anger.
I understand what a problem this is to you.
I wish I could offer more help.
All I know to say is that I think you need some help with this. I believe that you probably need some medication.
But I'm not a doctor. Not at all. I'm just an old lady really.
But I have seen this type of problem before.
And I know you don't want these outbursts. I know how much pain and distrsss that it causes you.
In fact , I've experienced some of this.
That is why I wish that I could help. But I don't know exactly how , except to say that I think you need a GOOD doctor and some medication.
And then you could work the program better.
Now that is just my opinion.
I am not a qualified person.
I think that if you had a RIGHT medicine then you could exercise your faith.
Just hang in there!
And God bless!
MaryJane
All this anger probably comes from fear.
You need a big dose of acceptance.
I think you are going to have to have help with this.
I know you probably don't have money to see someone.
My nephew has an anger problem. He takes Risperdal. That keeps him calmer.
My son takes some kind of an anti-depressant that helps him control anger.
I understand what a problem this is to you.
I wish I could offer more help.
All I know to say is that I think you need some help with this. I believe that you probably need some medication.
But I'm not a doctor. Not at all. I'm just an old lady really.
But I have seen this type of problem before.
And I know you don't want these outbursts. I know how much pain and distrsss that it causes you.
In fact , I've experienced some of this.
That is why I wish that I could help. But I don't know exactly how , except to say that I think you need a GOOD doctor and some medication.
And then you could work the program better.
Now that is just my opinion.
I am not a qualified person.
I think that if you had a RIGHT medicine then you could exercise your faith.
Just hang in there!
And God bless!
MaryJane
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Guest
Thanks Maryjane,
I don't know if I need medication or not. I am taking xanax and it can eventually cause anger outbursts.
What I don't get is how could I say "my mother, your grandmother is dying" to my seven year old!!! I AM TIRED AND PROBABLY SLEEP DEPRIVED!
I know I am looking for comfort and I guess there are none. You just don't ssay that to a child!!! WHY!!! WHY DID I SAY THAT!
I don't know if I need medication or not. I am taking xanax and it can eventually cause anger outbursts.
What I don't get is how could I say "my mother, your grandmother is dying" to my seven year old!!! I AM TIRED AND PROBABLY SLEEP DEPRIVED!
I know I am looking for comfort and I guess there are none. You just don't ssay that to a child!!! WHY!!! WHY DID I SAY THAT!
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Guest
Songwriter-sorry to hear about all the frustration in your life-I have problems with anger myself. I am seeing a counselor on the side with this program-one thing I can tell you is if you can write your negative thoughts down or catch them and change them to positive you can do this-when you start feeling heated take yourself away from the situation-breathe, count to 10 and really think about if you get real angry or even out of control will it solve the problem. You can do this-it takes practice-I am really starting to see that getting angry is not worth the way I feel afterward-you get a quick relief, but I always feel worse later, so it really is not worth it. So the frustrations you have can be fixed. Just work on it. When you feel anger even a tiny, tiny bit walk away, calm yourself and figure out what is going on and how you can approach the situation to fix it without melting down. Your son will learn about death and the cat is out of the bag, explain this is part of life and that people mourn and its okay, but that the mourning is not to take over your life and continue after a certain amount of time-that he will know that time. Your wife will come around. I pray God watch over you and put a blanket of comfort over you and guide you through all this.-Wolverine
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Guest
Thank you Wolverine.
I just don't know how I can say "my mother is dying" to my loving son about his grandmother!!
My wife talked to him yesterday about it! He cried.
We both said "she was not dying but not feeling well" after I said what I said.
I WAS CRUEL! JUST CRUEL!
I don't know how to feel. I am confused and ashamed.
I just don't know how I can say "my mother is dying" to my loving son about his grandmother!!
My wife talked to him yesterday about it! He cried.
We both said "she was not dying but not feeling well" after I said what I said.
I WAS CRUEL! JUST CRUEL!
I don't know how to feel. I am confused and ashamed.
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Guest
Hi Again!
Songwriter, I am 80 years. Death comes.
I have a few things that might precipitate death.
I don't fear it. I welcome it when my time is up. Because I believe in a 'hereafter'.
You will grieve after your Mom's passing. And so will your son. But then you'll go on. You'll rally from the grief.
It is okay to teach children about death in my opinion.
In other countries they learn it by seeing it constantly before them.
As for your being cruel. You know that you weren't being on purpose. At that moment you just couldn't stand ANYTHING. It happens. It is bad that it happens. But you have to go on.
If you dwell on it then you set yourself up for it to happen all over again about something else.
XanaX and Ativan aren't the answer for all problems.
There are medicines that handle this kind of problem.
The tranquilizor type meds foster depression.
And depression causes such problems as you relate.
There are many other things to help a situation like yours.
You've never mentioned a drinking problem.
But I can tell you that the steps in the AA program address these kinds of problems.
I would get what they call the Big Book of Alcoholis anonymous and study it. In the place of Alcohol you could substutue the word depression.
It all is the same really. I mean that depression and alcoholism have a lot of the same symptoms.
There are other books that prppose steps to help situations like yours.
I hope that something here will help you.
Because I know you want to be the best father you can be.
And you need help.
Mary Jane
Songwriter, I am 80 years. Death comes.
I have a few things that might precipitate death.
I don't fear it. I welcome it when my time is up. Because I believe in a 'hereafter'.
You will grieve after your Mom's passing. And so will your son. But then you'll go on. You'll rally from the grief.
It is okay to teach children about death in my opinion.
In other countries they learn it by seeing it constantly before them.
As for your being cruel. You know that you weren't being on purpose. At that moment you just couldn't stand ANYTHING. It happens. It is bad that it happens. But you have to go on.
If you dwell on it then you set yourself up for it to happen all over again about something else.
XanaX and Ativan aren't the answer for all problems.
There are medicines that handle this kind of problem.
The tranquilizor type meds foster depression.
And depression causes such problems as you relate.
There are many other things to help a situation like yours.
You've never mentioned a drinking problem.
But I can tell you that the steps in the AA program address these kinds of problems.
I would get what they call the Big Book of Alcoholis anonymous and study it. In the place of Alcohol you could substutue the word depression.
It all is the same really. I mean that depression and alcoholism have a lot of the same symptoms.
There are other books that prppose steps to help situations like yours.
I hope that something here will help you.
Because I know you want to be the best father you can be.
And you need help.
Mary Jane
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Guest
Thanks Jane,
But I am ashamed to say I was being cruel. I said it out of anger "my mother is dying" as a means of making my son cry. At least that's the way I see it. I am a 48 year old man and a man my age does not say that to a 7 year old boy. I am ashamed of myself. I love my son and I love my mom. Hopefully I will finally learn how to deal with my depression and anger in a more dignified manner. I can't take these words back. I wish I knew what to do and say now.
But I am ashamed to say I was being cruel. I said it out of anger "my mother is dying" as a means of making my son cry. At least that's the way I see it. I am a 48 year old man and a man my age does not say that to a 7 year old boy. I am ashamed of myself. I love my son and I love my mom. Hopefully I will finally learn how to deal with my depression and anger in a more dignified manner. I can't take these words back. I wish I knew what to do and say now.
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Guest
How about telling your son that you are sorry that you had such an outburst and ask if he will forgive you. The facts are that his grandma is ill, and you are concerned for her and your emotions got a bit high and you lashed out. He will welcome your apology and feel better by knowing that your (his and yours) relationship is solid and that even tho' dad made a mistake, he is man enough to admit it. He is watching your every move whether we like it or not, so model some good relationship building skills for him. I bet you guys will be even closer. Please let up on yourself. You made a mistake, it's over and can't be changed. Let it float away and make a better choice today.
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danthemankandy
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:55 pm
Hi SongWriter-
I am a wife, so I understand what you are saying. We can be that way sometimes.
I bet your wife is also feeling under the gun with life and economy and sick MIL, etc. It sounds like she started with lashing out re: the tantrum and maybe didn't handle it well and then you piled on to both of them, as their screaming made your stress level spike.
Parenting is hard in the good times and even harder when the kid is acting like a kid and you don't feel like you can act like an adult to handle it.
If you can, get really deliberate in your parenting. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Tantrums are for 2-3 year olds, not 7 year olds. I was just at a parenting class today that talked about a book called "Love and Logic" by Fay and Fay. It's about letting consequences be the teacher of the child, so that you are preparing them for the real world.
I mention that, just because you could use a great relationship with your wife and child right now, instead of the arguing and tantrums and non-acceptance of others feelings.
I'll pray for you all.
I am a wife, so I understand what you are saying. We can be that way sometimes.
I bet your wife is also feeling under the gun with life and economy and sick MIL, etc. It sounds like she started with lashing out re: the tantrum and maybe didn't handle it well and then you piled on to both of them, as their screaming made your stress level spike.
Parenting is hard in the good times and even harder when the kid is acting like a kid and you don't feel like you can act like an adult to handle it.
If you can, get really deliberate in your parenting. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Tantrums are for 2-3 year olds, not 7 year olds. I was just at a parenting class today that talked about a book called "Love and Logic" by Fay and Fay. It's about letting consequences be the teacher of the child, so that you are preparing them for the real world.
I mention that, just because you could use a great relationship with your wife and child right now, instead of the arguing and tantrums and non-acceptance of others feelings.
I'll pray for you all.