how do you handle the overwhelming suicide feeling?

cuttingirl · Post by **cuttingirl** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 7:30 pm

Originally posted by jesse1216:
What a coincidence I came across this forum about suicide and cutting. This week I started cutting myself again after I had stopped for over a year. I've also given myself a black eye and busted my nose. Not to mention the broken knuckles and all the hair i've pulled out in the past. I too have been having suicidal thoughts. I'm working on session 6-anger and I wonder if all i've done is just turn that rage towards myself. There are also a lot of outside stressors like not being able to find a job and being alone most of the time. It's 6:30 am and I've only slept two hours even though I took my klonopin. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not religious so I don't believe in prayer. I think the scariest thing is that I'm not crying like I was before and I'm beginning to just feel numb. I don't know if that's a good thing.
I'm sorry for sounding so morbid.

Not morbid, just real. I understand all you say. You can reframe your world; you have that power inside you. Some access their power through God, prayer, meditation, chanting mantras, whatever floats your metaphorical boat- but it is important to try and access this central peace. Take a look around the site I posted above (here it is again <A HREF="http://www.recoveryourlife.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.recoveryourlife.com/</A> ) I've struggled with cutting for years. The problem is that it really, really works. It brings me back into reality, instant clarity, no more racing thoughts or scary visions, and I can see the pain and poison and insanity leaving my body as blood then I can nurture and heal the wound and never feel so cared for and loved except in this setting. Cutting works really well but can take a lot from you - the shame is very intense. Its hard to stop; blessedly am not doing it right now (it's hard to stop!!) I'm also not religious but sometimes I do cry out for help to "Him" whoever "Him" is when I'm in dark places when I also haven't slept but hours on xanax and zolpidem. Feels like no one is there but I'm unsure. Good luck and email me privately if you want to talk. I believe your anger may have something to do with your self-injury. I also recommend a book called A Bright Red Scream; got it as a gift from another cutter who understands. Sometimes the misperceptions and well-intentioned encoragement of others frustrate and turnoff those who do not share the particular belief. Please don't leave. I need you, and probably some others may need you too. The question you ask about God and suffering is poignant; no one has an answer. I don't even go there. I believe we all must find comfort in some way or another (hot bath and a beer?) and non-cutters (including my fiancee) love and want to help but say the wrong things at times for us. It's like you ask a question but get a reply that doesn't make sense or embarasses you. I know what that feels like. Hearing a broken record about GOd and miracles is almost hurtful because it's like, well, where is he, I'm alone, crying out, and my arm is bleeding. I'm ashamed, it's so dark, I can't sleep, I deserve to be punished, I need to let this poison out, etc. I hope any of this helps because I would never want it to hurt; (me to you about to cut): hey! nobody's going to hurt my friend jesse- I'll kick their butt! I am in professional counseling and take meds Lamictal 300mg/day, xanax XR 1mg/day, zolpidem 10-15mg/night. I'm not strong enough yet to go off the meds; I'm still working Lucinda's program with counseling and the meds. I'm getting the skills and doing it one baby step at a time. I'm afraid cutting will always be a bright red demon inside us, but maybe we can calm it down, I hope so; mine has lived with me since age 12. As a side note- mostly to others-the cutting that I indulge in has absolutely nothing to do with suicide or wanting to die. In fact, cutting may have saved my life many times. Weird, huh? Well, I'm off to listen to Lucinda's relaxation CD again today. Hugs, and thanks to all for the inspiration, comfort, and encouragement. Liz

jesse1216 · Post by **jesse1216** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:28 pm

Originally posted by cuttingirl:
Originally posted by jesse1216:
What a coincidence I came across this forum about suicide and cutting. This week I started cutting myself again after I had stopped for over a year. I've also given myself a black eye and busted my nose. Not to mention the broken knuckles and all the hair i've pulled out in the past. I too have been having suicidal thoughts. I'm working on session 6-anger and I wonder if all i've done is just turn that rage towards myself. There are also a lot of outside stressors like not being able to find a job and being alone most of the time. It's 6:30 am and I've only slept two hours even though I took my klonopin. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not religious so I don't believe in prayer. I think the scariest thing is that I'm not crying like I was before and I'm beginning to just feel numb. I don't know if that's a good thing.
I'm sorry for sounding so morbid.
Not morbid, just real. I understand all you say. You can reframe your world; you have that power inside you. Some access their power through God, prayer, meditation, chanting mantras, whatever floats your metaphorical boat- but it is important to try and access this central peace. Take a look around the site I posted above (here it is again <A HREF="http://www.recoveryourlife.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.recoveryourlife.com/</A> ) I've struggled with cutting for years. The problem is that it really, really works. It brings me back into reality, instant clarity, no more racing thoughts or scary visions, and I can see the pain and poison and insanity leaving my body as blood then I can nurture and heal the wound and never feel so cared for and loved except in this setting. Cutting works really well but can take a lot from you - the shame is very intense. Its hard to stop; blessedly am not doing it right now (it's hard to stop!!) I'm also not religious but sometimes I do cry out for help to "Him" whoever "Him" is when I'm in dark places when I also haven't slept but hours on xanax and zolpidem. Feels like no one is there but I'm unsure. Good luck and email me privately if you want to talk. I believe your anger may have something to do with your self-injury. I also recommend a book called A Bright Red Scream; got it as a gift from another cutter who understands. Sometimes the misperceptions and well-intentioned encoragement of others frustrate and turnoff those who do not share the particular belief. Please don't leave. I need you, and probably some others may need you too. The question you ask about God and suffering is poignant; no one has an answer. I don't even go there. I believe we all must find comfort in some way or another (hot bath and a beer?) and non-cutters (including my fiancee) love and want to help but say the wrong things at times for us. It's like you ask a question but get a reply that doesn't make sense or embarasses you. I know what that feels like. Hearing a broken record about GOd and miracles is almost hurtful because it's like, well, where is he, I'm alone, crying out, and my arm is bleeding. I'm ashamed, it's so dark, I can't sleep, I deserve to be punished, I need to let this poison out, etc. I hope any of this helps because I would never want it to hurt; (me to you about to cut): hey! nobody's going to hurt my friend jesse- I'll kick their butt! I am in professional counseling and take meds Lamictal 300mg/day, xanax XR 1mg/day, zolpidem 10-15mg/night. I'm not strong enough yet to go off the meds; I'm still working Lucinda's program with counseling and the meds. I'm getting the skills and doing it one baby step at a time. I'm afraid cutting will always be a bright red demon inside us, but maybe we can calm it down, I hope so; mine has lived with me since age 12. As a side note- mostly to others-the cutting that I indulge in has absolutely nothing to do with suicide or wanting to die. In fact, cutting may have saved my life many times. Weird, huh? Well, I'm off to listen to Lucinda's relaxation CD again today. Hugs, and thanks to all for the inspiration, comfort, and encouragement. Liz

CuttingGirl are you bipolar like me? I ask because of the meds you mentioned; i've been on them in the past. Now I take lithium.I understand about cutting saving your life. Your email has really touched me. Thank you so much. I just got in. It's 4:30 am I was walking around and was about to jump off the train tracks but I thought about my cats and came home instead.
I will look into the website and book you mentioned. Thanks again
Jesse

Believer08 · Post by **Believer08** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 11:13 pm

First of all Jesse............who said we were suffering.........You have us mistaken we are not living Happily and Victorious............You ought to try it one day and I still will pray for you in JESUS NAME!! Now he suffered for me!!