My anxiety journal...

londontko · Post by **londontko** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 11:28 am

I've decided that I am going to post my story and then my progress through the program so that I can get help and strength from others and maybe even help others going through similar circumstances.

I've been anxious my whole life and have struggled with anxiety but never quite like this before. My real history of panic attacks and anxiety starts when I was 21 and I had just started using marijuana and smoking it regularily. It was so stupid but my friends were doing it and I thought it was cool so I indulged. The end result was me having a massive panic attack because I had wayyy too much. This panic attack caused me to think that I was losing my mind and that I was dying of a heart attack. I called 911 on myself and was taken to the hospital where I was told that I had a panic attack and to not smoke any more weed. I've never touched it since lol. I was actually ok until about a week later when I had a panic attack during a seminar. I felt the sensation coming on and got up and bolted home. After that I had a crippling anxiety that would not leave me no matter what. It completely destroyed my appitite and I ended up losing 60 pounds in a 2 month period. I would often feel so nauseus I would vomit if I ate anything. So I ended up getting a low dose of anti-depressant and that made it go away comletely. After that happened and I stopped getting those feelings I really forgot about it, I got off the medication after about a year and then 2 years later I'm right back at square one

I had a few negative experiances that led me back to having very anxious feelings. I've only ever had 2 panic attacks, that isn't my problem, my problem is GAD. These last couple of weeks have been so hard on me and I'm just praying to god that I will be delivered up from this again and be saved. I'm starting to do the program and I swear if I do nothing else with my life I'm gonna give this program my all and see it through for the next 15 weeks and I think it would be helpful to keep a journal here! I will let everyone know right now I've decided to go back on a low dosage of anti-anxiety meds because I had so much success on them before, but this time around I hope to develop the skill so that when it comes back I can deal with it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 12:33 pm

londontko,
Wow, good for you!!!!
Go for it!
This program will change your life in so many positive ways -especially because you already have a positive determination about working the program. Awesome.

You've just started and you're already making progress.
You WILL develop the skills needed.
"doubt whatever you want, but never yourself"
Forgot who wrote that, but it's a favorite.

Look forward to your posts.
God bless!

xlostgirlx · Post by **xlostgirlx** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 12:41 pm

londontko,

Put your heart into the program. It will work. When the anxiety is sooo bad it is sooooooo hard I know. The best advise I can give you is to do everything in the program. It will give you the coping skills to move beyond. I am in week 6 and it is starting to work. You may get worse before you get better but it is worth it to finally have peace of mind. Just remember: I can do all things through Christ who stengthens me" I am looking forward to hearing how you are doing. Just remember that we are all supporting you. We know you will suceed with diligent work. We know what it is like to be ridden with anxiety. My prayers are with you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:37 pm

Day One:

Today was the first day I started medication (Paxil 20 mg) and no relief in sight yet lol, I went up and down today in terms of my anxiety level, it was very stressful. I've lost 20 lbs in the past month just from lack of appetite and my sleep has been pretty much 4-5 hours a night. I'm really hoping the medication will help alleviate some of these symptoms. I started out on Lesson 2 this week and I found it extremely helpful. I find that when I am listening to these tapes I'm calm and not anxious because these people went through the EXACT same stuff I'm currently going through and it gives me a lot of hope for the future. A lot of my negative thought patterns deal are 'am I going to stay like this forever?', 'what if people struggle like this for years and can't take it and commit suicide?'. I would NEVER EVER commit suicide but even the thought of it terrifies me and sends me into a panic. I'm fairly calm right now and I've forced myself to eat today.

Food intake:
2 glasses of Orange Juice
2 pieces of chicken breast
2 bananas
1 cheese bun
1 piece of salmon
12 strawberries
1 protien shake
1 yam

I'm forcing myself to eat because I know I need the energy and not eating is only going to hinder my progress but honestly every bite makes me gag, I just don't want to eat, I could have easily gone all day without eating and not even thought about it.

At the gym today I was very very anxious as the workout wore on and only completed a 5 min warmup on the eliptical machine, then 3x15 on pec deck, bench press and decline bench. This was very dissapointing to me as I had hoped that working out would get rid of some stress but when I got there I was so anxious I felt like I was going to throw up, so I had to excuse myself from my friends and go relax in a massage chair lol. It actually made me feel quite a bit better for some reason. Hopefully in the next week or so the medication will kick in and my appetite will be back. I keep thinking thoughts like 'what if the medication doesn't work this time and you built up an immunity to it your first time on it'. That what if thinking is just killing me. The worst part about this condition for me is that I know what I'm doing wrong but it's just so hard to stop negative thinking!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:23 pm

Londontko,

I have had that happen to me where I am exercising and the anxiety is so great that I have to stop. Just keep going! Eventually that will subside. You are doing a great job. Give the medication a chance to work. It is just your negative thinking that is causing you to doubt everything. Here's to a better tomorrow!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 7:03 am

Ok so day two was pretty tough. I'm having such a hard time with eating properly and although I'm re-assuring myself that it will get better as I start feeling better I can't lie and say its not a big concern. I'm also having a hard time sleeping still not being able to get more then 4-5 hours a night. I think that the depression is worse then before and I get so scared that I won't ever feel happy again and that I will be stuck with these feelings and anxieties forever

Yesterday I was only able to eat a bowl of cheerios, a couple bananas, a half a cheese bun and some potatoe salad. On a positive note I went and saw my doctor and let her know what was happenening and she took some blood work. I also made an appointment with my church pastor so hopefully I can find some relief there. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. The first time I was struck by this I just laid in bed and didn't eat for weeks until the paxil and nice weather kicked in lol However this time I realize I need to work the program and have the coping skills to be able to fix myself and not rely solely on medication. I've also been praying a lot giving my hopes up to god that I can be freed from this.

EDIT: Also I was able to exercise yesterday for about 30 min or just eliptical and treadmill which was pretty good. I usually lift weights but after monday I think just cardio will be good for right now.

coopdjc · Post by **coopdjc** » Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:32 pm

Londontko,

How are you doing? It's been over a week. Just checking in on you. I hope you are making some progress. We are here to help each other.
May God be with you.