Why did I push him away? Why am I like this?

squish_is_me · Post by **squish_is_me** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:10 am

Im not on the program, never have been. Couldnt afford it. I have gotten a million times better with my anxiety issues. Though my OCD seems to become more and more apparent to me all the time. Anyway one day my dad came to me and told me he was having a really hard time with the divorce and hear about this anxiety program on the radio from same place like 'StressCenter' or something. I laughed and asked him if it was Lucinda Bassett with the Stress stess center for anxiety and depression. He said yes of course wondering what was so funny. Which was when I explained to him I am a part of the forums here.
Aaaanywho, nice little detour wasn't that? lol my point was that now I do have access to the program if I wanted, but I really thought I had a handle on things enough that I didnt need it. Maybe I was wrong?

I dunno...

Am I the only one that just has a horrible time letting things be? Like even now I want to call him, stop by, text anything. I know I shouldnt,

I wont, but it just feels to final and so at my own fault. He even said to me last week that I was seriously stressing him out and that if I just stopped I would realize that the only real threat I had of loosing him was behaving the way I was. It stopped me momentarily, but obviously didnt stop me from pouncing him yesterday. I did know it. I did see it. Did I stop? No. Why? Because I couldnt stop how I felt inside. Why? I dont know? Why did I have to feel so sick and torn up inside? Why did I have to feel that way? Why cant I calm down, stop thinking about stuff, and just let us both be?

sigh :*(

jugray · Post by **jugray** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:23 pm

Listen I know this isn't funny but when I read this I laughed out loud because those are some of the same questions and feelings I have about my situation. He told me to relax and to back off and so I did the complete opposite. Why? I don't know. I'm not a stupid person I have my master's degree in education, but yet I remain one of the most foolish people I know when it comes to relationships. I too obsess about all the conversations we've had, the fun we've had, the little jokes between us etc. I can't get it out of my head. And the finality of it being over is one of the hardest pills to swallow especially when you think you were a major part of the problem. But that's part of the healing because it's our own thoughts that are driving us mad. In reality, I don't even know if my obsessive behavior completely drove him away or maybe he was just looking for an easy way out. One of the things that Lucinda preaches is to stop "shoulding" on ourselves because it will drive us crazy. If you have access to the tapes it wouldn't hurt to listen to them. They are pretty good and seem to work. I'm in my seventh week now. And I never would have apologized to him if I hadn't listened to the anger tape. But what I realized is that I really wasn't angry at him or me, rather I was angry that things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to! People with anxiety are control freaks and when things don't go our way we obsess about them. I'm hoping this program helps me with this because I can't stop beating myself up over the loss. And if I can't get past this one then how in the world am I ever going to meet someone else? God help us!

squish_is_me · Post by **squish_is_me** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:50 am

Thank you for your words! I have started thinking very heavily and come to realize a pattern in this type of behavior in myself in certain situations. Realizing where and how I pushed ppl in my life away from me. I have something to work on with my councilor for sure.

I think I've also realized that even if I hadn't freaked out, this all had to come to a head at some point anyway. Now it just is what it is.

Thank you so much for your replies!

Karilynn · Post by **Karilynn** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:57 am

Squish, do you mind me asking how old you are? The reason I ask is because I am 22 and I believe that this behavior (I do it too, trust me) is not so much as us being a little off or crazy, but us being young and a little immature. Sure, we are mature in plenty of ways, but girl, you gotta give yourself some slack here. We are young and a lot of people our age do what we do!

Mary Wargo · Post by **Mary Wargo** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 6:20 am

Karilynn- I agree. When I think back at some of my relationships I realize a lot of my confusion as to why I said that and why did he say that and oh no I screwed things up! was definitely due to just not having lived long enough yet to know myself well. A lot comes with maturity and time.

Missletoes · Post by **Missletoes** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 6:49 am

Hi everyone. You are all right. Age does make a difference, but even at 42, I find myself doing some of the things you mentioned. My thoughs behind my actions are that this might be last chance to be with someone. I need to work on that. I don't ever want to settle for someone who doesn't put me first. I think I would rather be alone. But that is just me. I have realized that this last man I pushed away was a good thing. He was married and could not make the committment I needed from him.

Missletoes

Mello Nello · Post by **Mello Nello** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:11 am

Squish,
I notice you have a quote about butterflies. Interesting, when i was little girl,, I caught a monarch butterfly, it was the most beautiful thing id ever seen.
I ran in and showed my mom,, i had it clutched so tightly in my hand the color on its wings were rubbing off on my hand..
My mom saw it and said, "Honey, it is beautiful, and i know you want to keep it, but if you squeeze it to tightly, it will die!
You need to let it go, so its beauty can be enjoyed but everyone!! I remember i cried, but she was right!!
Squish, we cant hold on to people to tightly either,, if we do, they no longer want to be with us or around us. Sometimes, the answers are so easy, or so quick! i dont think anyone likes constant pressure,, i dont think if this situation was reversed, you would want HIM pressuring you for an answer either.
Committment is work, in any relationship... Do yourself a favor,, Breathe, step back, reevaluate this situation.
I personally think you would benefit from the program,, it addresses obessisive behaviour and thinking.. Take Care, Nelly:)

rick130 · Post by **rick130** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:15 am

I know what you are talking about. I did something similar with my ex-girlfriend. I don't know why. In the end i came to realize she wasn't right for me anyway. I sure did go through a lot of pain at the time, though. I feel for you and I hope you can convince yourself that everything is going to be okay. You will have other chances and hopefully the next guy will be the right one. You deserve to be loved as passionately as you love.

squish_is_me · Post by **squish_is_me** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 11:46 am

I am 24 but i always say I feel 32. I have a daughtor who will be 6 in amy and a 3 yr old son. I also work FT and go to school nights and weekends, not to mention that whole single mom thing. Somtimes I feel mature beyond my years because of my situation, but I guess it would be a falicy to believe Im not suseptible to the nature of my age in some way or another.

I completely understand what you all are saying. I never realized before I was like this. I started seeing so many things I had done in a different light. I actually asked my ex (childrens father) if i was relentless and kept a strangle hold on him. He said yes and agreed it made him want to go away from me. I told him I was sorry for that and asked why he never told me. He said he didnt know. It only confirmed what I already knew within myself.

Suddenly so many things in my life are clearer. I never realized I was like this before. This time, i was driven by a desire to have what I felt I was loosing, but I realize its not always the driving force. I have to learn to be calmer, less brash. Just to analyze situations with a more level head and get myself in control. I get such a spiraling serious of feelings sometimes. Like I go up and down back and forth, it causes my actions to contradict what i say i want.

Sigh.. I dunno, this is a big one to swallow guys! This is something serious I have to figure out about me and do my best to overcome.

** My mother has borderline personality disorder. Her actions have driven her family away. my father left her. I am the only one of her kids that will still speak to her. And her siblings have fallen shy from her if not to entirely tell her to stay away.
Her actions arent entirely unlike mine. Hers are just a bit more severe. I have feared for a long time that I will turn into her. I do love her as any child does their mother. But I dont want to end up alone, alienating everyone around me.

I've come to a place where i have to stop and seriously evaluate my actions and really try to fix them. I believe I can though because i see the problem now and so hopefully I can recognize it in the future.

Mello Nello · Post by **Mello Nello** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 11:57 am

Squish,
Look,, you have made a discovery about yourself you see now and want to change!! Thats success!! ONce we see those things clearly,, then and only then can we begin to change them. Is it fast? NO, but you can continually be aware and trust me, it will change, if your willing to change that about yourself!
Be glad you now see this! Its better if we realize these things about ourselves, instead of people pointing them out.. Now you have a goal! Thats a very good thing!!!
Work on that! And love yourself while you are changing it, dont beat yourself up! Love the fact, you can do this for YOU!
Our lives are a process of learning and growing! Its not something, you should be ashamed of, but something you embrace because you can change that part of you!!
It just takes practice,, and working hard.. take care Nelly:)