I've been living away from family and birthplace for around 7 years now. My husband and I pretty much just picked up and ran, and have been skipping across the United States since. I was more than likely running from old memories of child abuse (the abuser is long out of the picture).
I've been terrible at making friends through these years; well, I've made NO friends in this process. I've used my anxiety and agoraphobia as a shield from working, getting out of my house, and going back to school (all things I want to do).
I recently had a pretty traumatic sickness (was in ER twice), and was stuck in my house for a couple of months in a row--and have developed some more mental issues in the meantime. I've been having panic attacks on a regular basis, and it's really been putting a strain on me.
1) I have a sleep phobia now (afraid I cannot get to sleep). I kept myself up for 8 days in a row before going to the ER to see what was wrong. I was given ativan for anxiety-- which works well-- and I've been getting back to a regular sleep schedule since.
2) I am afraid of being alone. It's very painful for me to be alone. I'm afraid of getting sick or hurt and no one being here to find me in time. I'm also afraid of going crazy while I'm by myself.
3) Agoraphobia--I've had this one for years, and I've heard it can contribute to the monophobia I mentioned in #2.
So, my question is: do most of you find that family is a positive influence on your recovery? My husband and I are planning on moving back home for support during these hard times (and going to therapy as well), but I'm just scared of any change right now. I'm afraid that if I go it will be overwhelming--but if I stay I will just stay stuck in the same rut.
Moving Closer to Family a Wise Choice?
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Guest
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Guest
My family is actually urging me every day to come back. My mother wants us to stay with her a bit until we can get a handle on the work that is around and get me in therapy there.
There is no real way for me to visit my mother or sister; I am over 3000 miles away (have been for 7 years now), and they are opening their arms for me to come back.
I know that it will be different for me--a lot more of me socializing--but financially my husband and I will be a little rocky if we go there (my mother and sister say they are here for us there though). Do I choose familial reunion or loneliness (being at home alone during day) & financial stability?
There is no real way for me to visit my mother or sister; I am over 3000 miles away (have been for 7 years now), and they are opening their arms for me to come back.
I know that it will be different for me--a lot more of me socializing--but financially my husband and I will be a little rocky if we go there (my mother and sister say they are here for us there though). Do I choose familial reunion or loneliness (being at home alone during day) & financial stability?
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Guest
Hi Hani,
I too have lived away from my family for about the same amount of time that you have. I too am a survivor of child abuse, and to top things off when I moved away, my son was diagnosed with autism.
I have a horribly dysfunctional family on my side, and my husband's parents are also dysfunctional. However, it wasn't easy to spot because my FIL is a prominent baptist preacher, and it appeared like they were helping us before my son was diagnosed, but then we got into a situation where we had to live with them and the truth came out. They expect us to remain child like to be under their control, they want my husband to make them a priority over me and my son, and they reject my son in indirect malicious ways because of his autism. Getting help from them isn't worth it. After we moved away, and my son was diagnosed, and there was an f-4 tornado, I pretty much developed the symptoms you are speaking of, and lately, I have been making miraculous improvements. I hate where I live now because of the trauma, but I am trying to do what I can on my end to find friends, etc. especially as the anxiety lessens. It really does have to come from within. Also, I can't really go back home. The abusers are still alive, and to make matters worse, where I grew up was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. I don't feel that I need to face that burden while trying to deal with my son's autism so that Hurricane was just a big sign to me that I needed to quit thinking about returning home.
Here are some of my thoughts:
1. You're marriage is your priority. If you are going to move back home, and it will add stress to your marriage by making y'all more financially unstable, then I don't think you should do it. You're marriage is your priority over your extended family. I am just going to stress that you should be very cautious in taking financial help from your family for your marriage or get into a situation where you are dependent on your family. I really believe in "leave and cleave" which is emphasized at the beginning of the Bible for a reason. This means when you are married you are to separate financially, emotionally, and physically. It doesn't mean to never take help from your family, but you must be extremely careful with major discussions taking place before doing so, and finding out if there are any strings attached before doing so. Is your mother going to start telling you when to go to bed if you move back with her? Is she going to think that giving you money gives her the right to interfere in your marriage? I'm just letting you know from my experience and watching others go through this, it is very shaky ground, and if you can't have these frank discussions before hand then don't even try it.
2. I think you are limiting yourself to either moving there or staying where you are and saying if you stay where you are you will be lonely and won't see your family and won't be able to go to therapy, and if you go there you will have support. Is there an in between? You haven't been there in seven years, so would a visit or two home to see what it's really going to be like be possible eventhough they are so far away? I mean, how can you really know what things will be like without visiting first, and then usually visits go better then when you live there? Also, it's definitely O.K. to seek loving support from your family, but moving there for them to take care of you probably isn't the answer. I am really learning that right now. My son has autism, and for a while, I just really wanted help and support and someone to take care of me from family and friends. It's just not going to happen with family because of the control issues, and I just got out of a relationship with a friend who I thought was a God send for helping me, but it turns out that when I got better, she didn't want me well. You can really get into a lot of issues with being an adult and looking for someone to take care of you. There are issues that can pop up with co-dependency and enabling that you may not be aware of. Co-dependency means the person is not helping you out of love but because of the self-esteem and power they get from you "needing" them. Enabling means that the co-dependent helper may unconsciously sabotage your getting well to keep the relationship a co-dependent one. You really don't want to get involved in that, I promise.
If you have your mother and sister to be with you while you are alone, you may not make the necessary changes that you need to heal. You really should be trying to make friends in some way other than just depending on your mother and sister for your socialization. I'm sure that God wants you to have other friends besides your mother and sister. So, I don't think that just because you stay where you are that you won't be able to make friends. Read as many books about healthy relationships as you can, and start implementing some of those techniques. Even though you have agoraphobia, you can make friends through this community, and someone may be willing to talk with you by phone. You can use this program, and you will start going out even if it's just in baby steps.
3. Is the abuse really not a factor anymore? Did the person who abused you die or move away? If so, are there issues that will pop up regarding your mother and sister that you may not be thinking about? For instance, if your mom knew about the abuse and didn't protect you, you may have unresolved feelings that may pop up if you move back home. You are definitely going to be triggered and have flashbacks when you go back home even if the abuser isn't there, and you need to have a good therapist who understands abuse to help you be prepared for that even if you just visit.
Finally, I promise you that although we are not the same, I can see why you are considering this option, and I feel for you. However, as hard as it is for me to say this and to implement it myself, the best healing that may take place for you may be because you are away from family and don't have them to take care of you. We with anxiety do need loving support, but we also need to learn to take care of ourselves. We have to be our own parents and give ourselves what we didn't get as children. We have to be our own "parachutes" and our own "safe people" like Lucinda says. When we are able to do that, we will attract people into our lives in equal relationships that we want to be with, and the relationship won't be one based on us being extremely dependent and someone else always being the helper and in power and control. No one can do the work for us, and I know it is hard, but it can be done. I really think I'm beginning to get it, and it does take a lot of work.
You admit that you ran away from the abuse which seemed like a quick answer, and maybe you think that moving back home will be a quick answer to run away from what you're experiencing inside yourself with anxiety. There's really no place to run to because it's inside of us, but the good news is that if it's inside of us we're the ones that can change what's inside of us.
It's obvious I have a bias about you moving back home, and I don't know you or the exact specifics, but I hope that I at least gave you some things to think about, and from someone who's been in the same boat in many ways. I'm better at being by myself, but not completely yet either so I am speaking from experience. I know that a dog can't drive a car for you, but I got a dog in April, and I am just amazed at how much that has helped me with needing attention from people who aren't healthy. My in-law's were easily replaced by a dog:). Pretty funny, huh? Just having him to come home to, and having that unconditional love helps me as well, if that is an option you may want to think about along with therapy, and definitely this program.
Good luck in making your decision.
Take Care,
luvpiggy
I too have lived away from my family for about the same amount of time that you have. I too am a survivor of child abuse, and to top things off when I moved away, my son was diagnosed with autism.
I have a horribly dysfunctional family on my side, and my husband's parents are also dysfunctional. However, it wasn't easy to spot because my FIL is a prominent baptist preacher, and it appeared like they were helping us before my son was diagnosed, but then we got into a situation where we had to live with them and the truth came out. They expect us to remain child like to be under their control, they want my husband to make them a priority over me and my son, and they reject my son in indirect malicious ways because of his autism. Getting help from them isn't worth it. After we moved away, and my son was diagnosed, and there was an f-4 tornado, I pretty much developed the symptoms you are speaking of, and lately, I have been making miraculous improvements. I hate where I live now because of the trauma, but I am trying to do what I can on my end to find friends, etc. especially as the anxiety lessens. It really does have to come from within. Also, I can't really go back home. The abusers are still alive, and to make matters worse, where I grew up was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. I don't feel that I need to face that burden while trying to deal with my son's autism so that Hurricane was just a big sign to me that I needed to quit thinking about returning home.
Here are some of my thoughts:
1. You're marriage is your priority. If you are going to move back home, and it will add stress to your marriage by making y'all more financially unstable, then I don't think you should do it. You're marriage is your priority over your extended family. I am just going to stress that you should be very cautious in taking financial help from your family for your marriage or get into a situation where you are dependent on your family. I really believe in "leave and cleave" which is emphasized at the beginning of the Bible for a reason. This means when you are married you are to separate financially, emotionally, and physically. It doesn't mean to never take help from your family, but you must be extremely careful with major discussions taking place before doing so, and finding out if there are any strings attached before doing so. Is your mother going to start telling you when to go to bed if you move back with her? Is she going to think that giving you money gives her the right to interfere in your marriage? I'm just letting you know from my experience and watching others go through this, it is very shaky ground, and if you can't have these frank discussions before hand then don't even try it.
2. I think you are limiting yourself to either moving there or staying where you are and saying if you stay where you are you will be lonely and won't see your family and won't be able to go to therapy, and if you go there you will have support. Is there an in between? You haven't been there in seven years, so would a visit or two home to see what it's really going to be like be possible eventhough they are so far away? I mean, how can you really know what things will be like without visiting first, and then usually visits go better then when you live there? Also, it's definitely O.K. to seek loving support from your family, but moving there for them to take care of you probably isn't the answer. I am really learning that right now. My son has autism, and for a while, I just really wanted help and support and someone to take care of me from family and friends. It's just not going to happen with family because of the control issues, and I just got out of a relationship with a friend who I thought was a God send for helping me, but it turns out that when I got better, she didn't want me well. You can really get into a lot of issues with being an adult and looking for someone to take care of you. There are issues that can pop up with co-dependency and enabling that you may not be aware of. Co-dependency means the person is not helping you out of love but because of the self-esteem and power they get from you "needing" them. Enabling means that the co-dependent helper may unconsciously sabotage your getting well to keep the relationship a co-dependent one. You really don't want to get involved in that, I promise.
If you have your mother and sister to be with you while you are alone, you may not make the necessary changes that you need to heal. You really should be trying to make friends in some way other than just depending on your mother and sister for your socialization. I'm sure that God wants you to have other friends besides your mother and sister. So, I don't think that just because you stay where you are that you won't be able to make friends. Read as many books about healthy relationships as you can, and start implementing some of those techniques. Even though you have agoraphobia, you can make friends through this community, and someone may be willing to talk with you by phone. You can use this program, and you will start going out even if it's just in baby steps.
3. Is the abuse really not a factor anymore? Did the person who abused you die or move away? If so, are there issues that will pop up regarding your mother and sister that you may not be thinking about? For instance, if your mom knew about the abuse and didn't protect you, you may have unresolved feelings that may pop up if you move back home. You are definitely going to be triggered and have flashbacks when you go back home even if the abuser isn't there, and you need to have a good therapist who understands abuse to help you be prepared for that even if you just visit.
Finally, I promise you that although we are not the same, I can see why you are considering this option, and I feel for you. However, as hard as it is for me to say this and to implement it myself, the best healing that may take place for you may be because you are away from family and don't have them to take care of you. We with anxiety do need loving support, but we also need to learn to take care of ourselves. We have to be our own parents and give ourselves what we didn't get as children. We have to be our own "parachutes" and our own "safe people" like Lucinda says. When we are able to do that, we will attract people into our lives in equal relationships that we want to be with, and the relationship won't be one based on us being extremely dependent and someone else always being the helper and in power and control. No one can do the work for us, and I know it is hard, but it can be done. I really think I'm beginning to get it, and it does take a lot of work.
You admit that you ran away from the abuse which seemed like a quick answer, and maybe you think that moving back home will be a quick answer to run away from what you're experiencing inside yourself with anxiety. There's really no place to run to because it's inside of us, but the good news is that if it's inside of us we're the ones that can change what's inside of us.
It's obvious I have a bias about you moving back home, and I don't know you or the exact specifics, but I hope that I at least gave you some things to think about, and from someone who's been in the same boat in many ways. I'm better at being by myself, but not completely yet either so I am speaking from experience. I know that a dog can't drive a car for you, but I got a dog in April, and I am just amazed at how much that has helped me with needing attention from people who aren't healthy. My in-law's were easily replaced by a dog:). Pretty funny, huh? Just having him to come home to, and having that unconditional love helps me as well, if that is an option you may want to think about along with therapy, and definitely this program.
Good luck in making your decision.
Take Care,
luvpiggy
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Guest
Hi Hani. That one has to be for you to decide because you are the ony one who knows how the move will hurtyou financially.
My family is very close and I have a big one. I am the youngest daughter of 10 children. Although we are so close, I still couldn't imagine myself living with them, in their house, as an adult because when adults move in together there are going to be some problems there. It's always fun in the beginning until you've lived in their house for a while with their rules and their ways of doing things that may be different from your way of doing things. But it still is only your decision to make.
Take care.DeeDee.
My family is very close and I have a big one. I am the youngest daughter of 10 children. Although we are so close, I still couldn't imagine myself living with them, in their house, as an adult because when adults move in together there are going to be some problems there. It's always fun in the beginning until you've lived in their house for a while with their rules and their ways of doing things that may be different from your way of doing things. But it still is only your decision to make.
Take care.DeeDee.
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Guest
Hi Hani,
I have this same question for myself.
We moved away from our families 6 years ago and I have been thinking all along that if we moved back things would be better. We are only an hour and a half away however, but you know even a 20 minute drive can be difficult! It's just far enough away that if we go we have to spend the night.
We stayed there for a whole week at Christmas and I was able to see old friends and spend a lot of time with people. That's what's hard for me here too is there is not the same stay-at-home mom support system I had back there. During the day here it is just me and the kids. I must say I felt so much better that week I think because I didn't have so much time alone to think and think and think. I had something to distract me.
And there were times that week when I would feel a strange feeling that if I were alone I'd dwell on for hours. But since I was having fun, I maybe spent a moment or two thinking about and then went on with doing whatever I was doing. Part of me wants to just be there all the time after that week.
Now we may have an opportunity to move back and I am torn. There are things and people here that I will miss a lot. Plus, part of me thinks I need to learn that I can get better no matter where or in what situation I am. And like you said-I get afraid of change! It's so weird this is what I've wanted for for so long and I think how stressful it might be? What is that? I think about moving and change and starting over. And I wonder if it will be worth it or if I'll still feel the same there!
So, what I've decided is if we stay or go, I will make the best of wherever we are. If we stay here, I will go above and beyond getting involved. If getting busy helps, I can do that here as well as there. It will take effort, but I have made a list in my head and there really are people here that I haven't put enough effort myself into seeing. I end up telling myself, "she wouldn't want to hang out with me..." but when I really think back in my mind, this person has asked to do things. And maybe I haven't asked her to come over or followed up with her to go out for coffee or something. I think everyone is insecure as we are and would be happy to be invited somewhere.
My husband and I have decided to start having like a game night with friends from church. I love board games and I really think all we have to do is ask people.
I was waking up panicky about this thing and suddenly had a realization. When I started really seeing what God has given me here-what I have not taken advantage of. Wherever I am, he will supply what I need. One month ago, I could only list a few good things about this place, but when I really decided to be thankful the list got really long. I was very surprised. Now I'd be sad to leave here!! And I do not have that panicky anxious feeling anymore about it.
So, in other words, family and friends are a huge support and I think back to when I had them around all the time and I didn't feel like this! But I want my main goal to be being able to be better whatever the circumstance. We are stronger than we think.
I have this same question for myself.
We moved away from our families 6 years ago and I have been thinking all along that if we moved back things would be better. We are only an hour and a half away however, but you know even a 20 minute drive can be difficult! It's just far enough away that if we go we have to spend the night.
We stayed there for a whole week at Christmas and I was able to see old friends and spend a lot of time with people. That's what's hard for me here too is there is not the same stay-at-home mom support system I had back there. During the day here it is just me and the kids. I must say I felt so much better that week I think because I didn't have so much time alone to think and think and think. I had something to distract me.
And there were times that week when I would feel a strange feeling that if I were alone I'd dwell on for hours. But since I was having fun, I maybe spent a moment or two thinking about and then went on with doing whatever I was doing. Part of me wants to just be there all the time after that week.
Now we may have an opportunity to move back and I am torn. There are things and people here that I will miss a lot. Plus, part of me thinks I need to learn that I can get better no matter where or in what situation I am. And like you said-I get afraid of change! It's so weird this is what I've wanted for for so long and I think how stressful it might be? What is that? I think about moving and change and starting over. And I wonder if it will be worth it or if I'll still feel the same there!
So, what I've decided is if we stay or go, I will make the best of wherever we are. If we stay here, I will go above and beyond getting involved. If getting busy helps, I can do that here as well as there. It will take effort, but I have made a list in my head and there really are people here that I haven't put enough effort myself into seeing. I end up telling myself, "she wouldn't want to hang out with me..." but when I really think back in my mind, this person has asked to do things. And maybe I haven't asked her to come over or followed up with her to go out for coffee or something. I think everyone is insecure as we are and would be happy to be invited somewhere.
My husband and I have decided to start having like a game night with friends from church. I love board games and I really think all we have to do is ask people.
I was waking up panicky about this thing and suddenly had a realization. When I started really seeing what God has given me here-what I have not taken advantage of. Wherever I am, he will supply what I need. One month ago, I could only list a few good things about this place, but when I really decided to be thankful the list got really long. I was very surprised. Now I'd be sad to leave here!! And I do not have that panicky anxious feeling anymore about it.
So, in other words, family and friends are a huge support and I think back to when I had them around all the time and I didn't feel like this! But I want my main goal to be being able to be better whatever the circumstance. We are stronger than we think.