Saying yes to family
Oh boy, I'm not having a great evening. I told my sister that I am not able to take care of her rabbits while she's gone on holidays and she made me feel like I was just a horrible person. She basically told me that family should always say yes to anything that's asked of them because they're family. and while I do love helping my family out, I feel like I ALWAYS say yes. And now when I've tried saying no, they make me out to be a horrible person. It's like "no" is not allowed. This bothers me, I feel like a total doormat. Of course if they were really stranded, I would help them out in an instance but I feel like she made the choice to go and adopt these animals. So I'm feeling really stuck between helping or not helping and feeling selfish. But I also feel like if I never say no, then they'll just continue to always expect that I'm going to say yes, even when it doesn't work out well for me.
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Guest
Hi There:
I know how you feel. I do understand that.
It is okay to say no.
But then after you have done so, you do have a choice about how you feel about your sister's reaction.
No one can MAKE you feel bad about your decision. They can try. But you have a choice
to just ignor them and go on about your business.
They may have gotten their way in the past by pouting and refusing to accept your "no". So of course they will try it again and again.
But you can pleasantly stick to your decision.
The truth is you have a real choice about how you feel. It is all in your thought processes.
Change how you think about this situation and you will feel differently.
You did nothing wrong by saying "no".
That is my thoughts on that situation.
My best to you.
MJ
I know how you feel. I do understand that.
It is okay to say no.
But then after you have done so, you do have a choice about how you feel about your sister's reaction.
No one can MAKE you feel bad about your decision. They can try. But you have a choice
to just ignor them and go on about your business.
They may have gotten their way in the past by pouting and refusing to accept your "no". So of course they will try it again and again.
But you can pleasantly stick to your decision.
The truth is you have a real choice about how you feel. It is all in your thought processes.
Change how you think about this situation and you will feel differently.
You did nothing wrong by saying "no".
That is my thoughts on that situation.
My best to you.
MJ
Hi P&P,
First and foremost, you need to take care of YOURSELF! Believe me, I know where you are coming from on this. You and your family have "danced a certain dance" for a long time now, and part of that dance is that YOU are very agreeable to their needs and always aim to please. Well, the obvious problem here is that this is not a healthy path for YOU! When you agree to do something out of GUILT, then you are surely not taking care of yourself. You should do it because you WANT to.
Your sister's little "rule" about family always saying yes to everything is nothing but a guilt trap. She's trying to manipulate you (maybe not intentionally) out of guilt, and that's only because it has worked in the past. This is a BIG opportunity for YOU! Take advantage of it! If this is something that you really can't do this time around, then all you need to say is "Sorry, I can't." You don't need to be nasty about it. And if she tries to engage you about it, simply choose not to go there. Say "Sorry, this just doesn't work for me." and move on. Eventually, she will come to realize that she cannot control you the way she once did, and she will stop expecting you to say yes every time. Saying NO is a very powerful right that we all have, but also a very difficult one to get used to when we've spent a long time dancing the "YES dance". Take care of YOU and trust me when I tell you that you will be happy when you did.
Of course, this is not to say that you won't WANT to help in the future, but that is a different story.
Don't give in to the guilt! It's not good for you!
John
First and foremost, you need to take care of YOURSELF! Believe me, I know where you are coming from on this. You and your family have "danced a certain dance" for a long time now, and part of that dance is that YOU are very agreeable to their needs and always aim to please. Well, the obvious problem here is that this is not a healthy path for YOU! When you agree to do something out of GUILT, then you are surely not taking care of yourself. You should do it because you WANT to.
Your sister's little "rule" about family always saying yes to everything is nothing but a guilt trap. She's trying to manipulate you (maybe not intentionally) out of guilt, and that's only because it has worked in the past. This is a BIG opportunity for YOU! Take advantage of it! If this is something that you really can't do this time around, then all you need to say is "Sorry, I can't." You don't need to be nasty about it. And if she tries to engage you about it, simply choose not to go there. Say "Sorry, this just doesn't work for me." and move on. Eventually, she will come to realize that she cannot control you the way she once did, and she will stop expecting you to say yes every time. Saying NO is a very powerful right that we all have, but also a very difficult one to get used to when we've spent a long time dancing the "YES dance". Take care of YOU and trust me when I tell you that you will be happy when you did.
Of course, this is not to say that you won't WANT to help in the future, but that is a different story.
Don't give in to the guilt! It's not good for you!
John
Wow, thanks for the awesome replies! I feel strong and like I can make a change. Thanks John for using the "dance" analogy, you are completely right. my parents and my sister are use to a very predictable "yes, I'll do it" from me and now that I'm changing, they're having a hard time understanding. The ironic part is that both my sister and my dad have done the program. I really think they should review lesson 7 
Last edited by P&P on Sat Dec 19, 2009 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.