Marriage fading fast

hope4peace · Post by **hope4peace** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 1:55 am

I have been struggle for about a year with my husband and my relationship. I love him, very much. He's my best friend, my only really true friend and I am so afraid to lose him. But I'm starting to see he's not the person I thought he was. I fell in love with him because he was so fun-loving, positive, affectionate and supportive. Not the case anymore...sometimes he is but not as much. I have been so hurt by him I don't know how to get over it. I told him today I wanted to leave him

I mean it, but I don't. I mean I really want us to work out. We have a 3yr old he loves him to pieces and he's been a dad to my 12 yr old for 4 yrs now and she loves him as well but right now they are having conflict and because of their conflict I am breaking inside for her. The problems we have been having are mostly over the kids. First let me give you some history. My first husband and I divorced when my daughter was about 10 months old. He came in and out of her life for 8 years. Mostly OUT. She was so HURT, DEPRESSED for many many years because of her dad's inconsistency. She would wait by the mailbox for letters he said he would send. She would ask me daily why he never wrote her or called her much or visited her. He would call only once every 6 months and sometimes wouldn't call for years and promised he would do better but never did. She was full of pain and sadness. Once he told she was going to move near us (NEVER DID) and she waited and waited for him until she realized he was never coming and proceeded to get depressed. It was an EXTREMELY difficult 8 years with her and for her. I ached with such pain over the suffering she went through over not having her "real" dad around. Then I met my husband. He was fun. He showed her love and was playful. She really enjoyed having him around. We got married and shortly after that ...PROBLEMS. Little things at first. Like he would be nice to her but he would always say negative things about her to me...granted she can be a challenge. She's a really great and sweet child BUT it takes her 50 times of asking her to do something to get something done. It's a frustrating process. We'll he started getting on me about that and basically told me I was a crappy mom because I allowed her to do that. It is annoying having to tell her so many times to do things but sometimes I think he blows it out of proportion and tries to make her out to be this horrid child. ok so fastforward to now...now he is barely fun with her or affectionate and anytime she is playful with him (teasing him about an outfit or making fun of him) he snaps at her. This started because my daugther cannot really take jokes/teasing very well. She is extremely sensitive when people tease her in fun. Yet she teases him. So I told her if you can't take a joke about you then I think it's best you dn't joke with daddy and tease him. So they decided they would stop it. She has for the most part but today she make a joke about one of his biking outfit...it is a funny looking thing...it has shoulder straps hooked onto some really tight biker shorts...so when you look at him it's funny because of his hairy chest and everything. All she said was that outfit looks funny. That's it. He got crappy with her about it. But when his biodaughter teases him like that he laughs and jokes and everything is fine. Granted, she can take a joke and is much more silly than my daugther. BUT, he's the adult and could handle things better. It kills me inside to see the difference in how he relates. The other big thing he does is second guess things she tells him. For example, this is just one example but it happens almost weekly, he asked her how much time she had between periods to get to class. She told him 10 minutes. Well he just couldn't believe it and she keep telling him yes 10 minutes. On and on he went about no, it's probably on 4 minutes. So she said fine believe what you want. Well he had to call everyone he could think of to try and prove her wrong. In the end she was RIGHT. This happens alot. In any situation. The reason this bugs me is because now my daugther is coming to me and asking..why doesn't dad ever believe me. He thinks I'm such a liar or I don't know anything. And sometimes she says, why does dad treat me differently when you are gone. He's much meaner to be when you're not around. All I ever wanted is for my children to grow up with high self-esteem and to feel unconditionally loved and safe and secure in the family. I feel like that is not happening and instead she is having her self-esteem squashed yet again by a father

I'm soooo very sad about this. I've tried to talk to my husband and all he ever says is..it's easy to blame someone else or here we go again, blame me blah blah blah. I try and tell him I'm not blaming, I'm trying to help us be a better family, a closer family. I try and point out things I do wrong but try and correct but he can never face that he might be doing things that cause conflict. So after a year of really trying to get through to him...I'm at the end of my rope and told him this morning. I wanted out...I really don't but I do if this is how it is going to be. There are other problems, along the same lines. I feel like he doesn't accept responsibility for mistakes he has made. This past weekend we went on a trip. We brought my mom and my daughter brought a friend. While I was in the bathroom, my husband decided to leave and not tell anyone. My son got out of the hotel room and no one knew if my husband took him or he got out himself because my mom was on the balcony when he left and the girls were on the other side of the room with a wall separator. So a couple minutes after my husband left, my mom comes in and says where's the baby? I heard her from the bathroom and came flying out..WHAT??? I ran out of the room and luckily he found his dad but I was FURIOUS!! how could he just leave like that and not tell an adult to watch the baby. Well he said that my daughter knew and kept blaming it on my daugther. She didn't know..no one knew. UGH, well this is getting completely longer than I wanted it to be...hopefully you made it through it without nodding off

I know I'm not perfect. I know the way I react to things definitely adds to the stress of the marriage. I have made great strides in that area but could use a lot more help with it. I guess I'm at a loss in trying to help my husband understand I need him to make some changes also. He just won't accept there might be something he needs to do differently. I don't know what to do. I'm ready to run...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:15 am

Thank God for marriage/family counseling !!

Have you considered this at all ?

Dr. Phil says it's easier to fix a broken marriage than to leave one.

In order to fix a broken marriage, both have to "want" it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:35 am

I am definitely all for marriage counseling, however, my husband thinks it's all a bunch of crock and feels like they take sides. He tried once before and he felt ganged up on

Also we both work full time and do not work near each other so we wouldn't be able to do it anyway. Plus he gets home after sessions end. If I felt he wanted to go to counseling I would try and see if there was anyone that could do it on Sat. I know some do have sessions on weekends. But his attitude towards it just tells me he wouldn't be into it or take anything they said to heart. When our last counselor gave us assignments. I was the one who constantly had to remind him we needed to work on the assignments. He would do it but it added to our marriage problems because then I felt like he didn't care enough about our marriage to even initiate the homework. If I hadn't said anything, he would never have done it. So I get beaten down with having to make all the effort. It would be nice to feel valued and worth trying for

:( not getting that feeling at all.

Mountainwren · Post by **Mountainwren** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:57 am

dear hope4peace...

I agree with the other poster about easier to fix a broken marriage than to leave one. I think all marriages start with the love for each other but most people don't realize that all people have problems and come to the marriage with past problems. This is life....as dr. phil would say. LOL.

I agree with you it sounds like he has given up on alot.....or started pulling away....big time. I also, think isn't accepting responsibility for any of his actions....especially with the son and daughter conflicts.

Both sides need to be committed to saving the marriage. Your daughter is at that age where she is the "teen" age and she may spout of things to your hubby and he takes it as a threat.....even where she IS really sincere about giving him a joke.... Yeah...biker pants do look silly but he should think "who cares".... and take it as a joke.... I have hair on my back and my chest....."who cares"....not a ton but it's enough to make me feel bad sometimes.

Your husband must accept some responsiblity in the marriage....it's funny...just like dr phil says.....you can't change what you don't acknowledge......ie....you husband seems to be denying him self.

Since you have the desire to stay with the marriage.....but want him to change....I try and do this...and many therapist's have told me this....so I guess its even better. LOL.

1) You treat him to something he would like to do....go out to eat for 1 hour.....(you have kids....sometimes it's hard to find 3 hours)....don't go to a movie.....go out to eat. You want to save it....so you must fix each other first. But during that time, kindly and compasionately bring up good times and some of the "current" bad times....he must be willing to discuss them at a more relaxed time....and openly discuss things. Marriage is when two become one.....so that bond between each other must communicate each others side of the story. If he blows up....you have got to get the other to calm down to discuss it in a rational time....not irrational and out of control.

2) Go to a counseling session...or marriage counselor....many times.....both parties are right and wrong....

BTW - My sister is in the same scenario as you. She has a child at 15 with a previous person....who the father....never see's....ever....but they struggle the same EXACT things as you are going through.

At some point, you need to also discuss with him how you feel he favors his real daughter....more than the older one.....he needs to understand that she DOESN'T have much of a father figure she can come to.

I hope it helps.....BTW...I didn't fall asleep.

Hang in there....you are trying and that is what matters.....maybe talk to your older daughter about these things....it may comfort her...and lessen the impact with your hubby.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:18 am

you sound like me at one time. I married a man with three sons two of them i helped raise from the time one was 8 years old he is 15yrs old now the other son was 14yrs old at the time and now 21yrs old. I have two Daugthers and one son from a previous marriage now 5 kids between us...oh yeah my husband and I's biggest issues was over Children at first his did no wrong but mine did all wrong..after few years of arguing over Children I finally stop reacting to his Acting and everytime he said something about his boys and got on the defence how they did'nt do this or that nonsense his boys always proved him wrong the truth would always come out and he would have to eat his words. it got to the point I finally told him to get out and what's funny after all that time he argued with me over kids his Kids did'nt want to leave so they stayed with me and we all got along just fine with out their Dad nonsense and my husband ended up in a motel room for three months so see its not the kids its the adults now my husband and I are back together for sometime now and things changed and now if he says something about what mine did and his did'nt which he hardly says anymore I look him in the face and say you mean Our kids and if he says someting about what one of my girls does he don't think is'nt right I say will that's your girls and i don't react so things have worked out so much better when you stop participating in the conflict it took a separation for us. in fact my Daugther just went through a terrible Divorce and you know it was my husband which is her step-dad that was there for her and supported her through it.its hard to put familys together but in time it works out because when you marry someone that has children from a previous marriage and of course when the woman has children as will from a previous marriage everyone has to adjust not only the husband or wife but the whole package the children too they have to not only have to adjust to the new step- parent the step- brothers or sisters as well. but both adults have to want to make this adjustment and if you can't work together as a family and moreless a team it won't work. for me at first my husband would'nt listen either but it took me changing and separating from him for that change to occur I am not saying for you to do that but their needs to be some form of communication if its even seeking family counseling that helps.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 4:04 am

hope4peace,

From what I understand your husband came into the picture with you being a mom already !!??
And perhaps you both never had that time alone together that you really need in order to stay bonded together?

You know.... I have a really great marriage! Both my husband and myself are always very busy.
We work hard to raise our home and our 3 great kids. It's really a sacrifice. BUT.... we have times when we've neglected our "connection" and it really puts a stress and pressure on the relationship. Many times this stress is unrecognizable. We always tend to think it's this or that but deep down, it's because we really need to spend time alone together. If there is no "connection", the longer you go without one, the harder it is to reconnect; you forget and need to "PRACTICE" loving one another. It doesn't always come easy that's for sure.

Things that have helped me in my own marriage is finding the HUMOR in it !! Yep, laughing at my spouse when he's being "dumb" and "idiotic" and laughing at myself when I'm WRONG and HE'S RIGHT. Why do we have to take everything so seriously all the time? You know?
and Making sure to expell MOSTLY positive words to the other and keeping the negative to myself when I know I should.

We all have an inner compass that will lead us in the right direction if we just ALLOW IT.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 4:29 am

Hope,
Im so sorry everything is so upsetting for you and your family. It makes everyones life miserable. My son is on his 3rd marriage, and luckily, he married a jewel. He has custody of his son, she had a daughter and then they have a daughter together.
My daughterinlaw LOVES my son and all the children like they are all hers biologically. My son, is very strange. I know he loves them but he is short with them, gets very angry at them and treats the oldest , a 13yr old girl mean at times. And she is precious. She to has gone to her mom and been upset. I told my daughter in law at one time, to kick him out, there was no excuse for treating the children like that. Well, she told him 4 months ago, it was going to stop, or HE was leaving!!! And, she meant it!!! He has gotten much better with the kids and the oldest daughter, has started writing my son letters at night before she goes to bed and puts them on the refridgerator for him to read in an envelope. And beleive it or not, He writes her back. There relationship seems to be getting so much better. I guess because, finally my son understands her feelings much better in writing, then the two of them arguing when they are angry.
I honestly dont know how it will turn out, but im praying daily, God will open HIS eyes, that when he married my daughterinlaw, he also took a vow to love the children as his own. ALL the children... I will keep you in my prayers hope. Combining two families in a marriage can be difficult, but it can be done. Take Care, Nelly:)

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 4:46 am

My heart goes out to you hope4peace. I can see how badly you want things to smooth over, and how hard your trying--but you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and it sounds like outside help is what's needed.

I find it so interesting that Dr. Phil was mentioned a few times in the replies you've received--I too was about to do the same, I find his relationship advice to be spot on, particularly when it comes to children being involved.

I'm no expert, but based on the many episodes I've seen, this is the advice I have for you.

First and foremost, you're loyalties and priorities go towards your daughter. Your husband is a very important part of your life, but even above that is the well-being of your daughter and right now she's gone through a lot with regards to the men in her life and she needs you there for her more than ever.

You mentioned that you often have to tell her to do something 40-50 times. In order to cut this down to one or two times MAX--there needs to be consequences for her actions. If she doesn't clean the dishes when asked to, remove her access to something she treasures (Dr. Phil calls this her "currency"). So for example, if she doesn't do as she's told, remove her access to her computer. Be prepared for her to rant, rave, and pout--she's still a child and it's how she knows to rebel. Stand strong and remember--you're the one who's been the constant in her life and should be the primary giver of discipline. Your husband (especially at this point) is not.

You shouldn't have tolerance to ask her to do something more than 3 times--if she doesn't do anything after being asked once or twice, she has to be punished. She'll soon learn that it's worth it to get the chores done so she can have time to enjoy the things she loves.

Second, if you're husband doesn'st want to go to family counseling--then you and your daughter should go. As long as you're counseled on working on the situation by a professional (as well as your daughter), you're marriage will get much better.

I would also suggest that you and your husband take some time away to be a couple. Go on vacation, drop the kiddies off at the Grandparesnts, and go to an island somewhere and just be romantic and loving. Discuss this issue, but don't dwell on it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 5:26 am

You shouldn't have tolerance to ask her to do something more than 3 times--if she doesn't do anything after being asked once or twice, she has to be punished. She'll soon learn that it's worth it to get the chores done so she can have time to enjoy the things she loves.

Great post shal... I do this as well with my 8 and 10 year olds. Don't wait until the 50th time. I give my kids the count. I ask them to do something. If they don't respond.. I give them the...."If you don't get up her by the count of 3...your going to "lose" your game cube games, phone, computer, whatever."

Point is they disrespect, they will lose something. They help out with chores or cutting grass....they will gain something. a weekly allowance.

Nine times out of 10, they come up before 3. I hit 3 and they WILL lose something. It helps tremendously. Yes, they throw a fit sometimes....that's usually when they start getting mad. That is usually when they are tired and ready for bed though.

I hope it helps too....

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 6:11 am

Thank you all for your advice and sharing your stories and wisdom. I will definitely try and put your ideas to work. I know my husband loves me and wants to be with me. I just don't think he is capable of looking really hard at himself and admitting there might be some things he needs to change. I've been so hurt by him. A hurt I can't even beging to verbalize. I feel emotionally betrayed. During my whole anxious ordeal I didn't feel any kind of empathy or compassion for the pain and anguish I went through day in and day out. I cried and cried and was in a very dark pit of fear for over a year. I truly thought I would have to be hospitalized. Through all of it I worked, I took care of my kids, house and prepared meal, and him. Not once did I feel like he truly supported me emotionally. So one of our neighbors has been going through a horrible time with their son. She's always crying to my husband. My husband comes in last night ranting about how horrible he feels for her and how much she's suffering. Instantly I felt anger towards him. He didn't seem to care as much when I was suffering

ugh, I don't feel loved at all. This is just another example of how I feel he sweeps me under the carpet and dismissed my worth. What about me? I cry inside...what about me

ugh, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

This just tears at my very soul.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm going to try and let all of this soak in and see if I have the courage and stamina to work this out with someone that doesn't seem to care.