Joe,
My husband and I have delt with these same issues. I liked how everyone responded however I am on the same page as Dodger comments. I encourage you both to talk to someone. If it is important to her she will agree as well. Seeing a consuler helped us out a lot. This could be something deep rooted for her and you may not be aware of it. Soemtimes its eaiser to see someone and learn "how to talk" to each other. Just go and get the tools if need be and then do it at home. Also, prayer can do wonders for a marriage. Pray outload to each other for each others needs. Or write letters to each other, some people write better then they speak.
Sex
Joe,
I think maybe there was a misunderstanding about what you thought Dodger meant. I didn't take it to mean that you were only being concerned about yourself. I took it to mean that there is some kind of issue with your wife that is causing the problem. I think women need to feel emotionally connected with their spouse in order to want the physical intimacy. Mabye she doesn't feel close to you, like she can confide and discuss her feelings with you?
I think maybe there was a misunderstanding about what you thought Dodger meant. I didn't take it to mean that you were only being concerned about yourself. I took it to mean that there is some kind of issue with your wife that is causing the problem. I think women need to feel emotionally connected with their spouse in order to want the physical intimacy. Mabye she doesn't feel close to you, like she can confide and discuss her feelings with you?
Hi Joe,
I have a little bit of a different take on this. I don't know everything that's going on, but it seems like your wife isn't at the table and since things are ok for her as they are, she doesn't have a real incentive to try.
I think you're going to need to get really assertive with her. There has to be a consequence to your message. That consequence might be that you're going to move out and take a break from your marriage. Are you willing to take that risk?
I'd do something like this...write down your needs. Tell her what you need, be very, very specific, and don't ramble. Tell her what she needs to do in order to show you that she is at least willing to try for you. Something like "Honey, I love you, but I don't understand why you're not willing to even try to improve our sex life. I feel (insert your words here)...unwanted, frustrated, like my needs don't mean anything to you...I'm willing to make some changes if needed, and I've expressed that to you. The ball is in your court. I want you to go to counseling to work this out. If you're not willing to take that step, I think its time for us to take a break from each other, and I'll move out for awhile. I'm really sorry to say that. You don't know how much. But I can't live like this.
I've used this tactic in other situations (not about sex) I got it from a book called "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. Its a really good book. Another idea...I don't know if you've heard of Focus on the Family? If you google it and find their site, they're all about helping families stay together, and you might find help there. Its James Dobsons ministry. Some of his stuff is way too conservative for me, but some of its good.
Be prepared if you use this tactic though...Your wife might do a double take and really turn things around, or things might not go the way you wish, and you might have to part ways. The good thing about it is though, that at least you know her answer and you're not sitting in fear of losing her. If you're miserable anyway, isn't it better to just know?
Good luck,
Deb
I have a little bit of a different take on this. I don't know everything that's going on, but it seems like your wife isn't at the table and since things are ok for her as they are, she doesn't have a real incentive to try.
I think you're going to need to get really assertive with her. There has to be a consequence to your message. That consequence might be that you're going to move out and take a break from your marriage. Are you willing to take that risk?
I'd do something like this...write down your needs. Tell her what you need, be very, very specific, and don't ramble. Tell her what she needs to do in order to show you that she is at least willing to try for you. Something like "Honey, I love you, but I don't understand why you're not willing to even try to improve our sex life. I feel (insert your words here)...unwanted, frustrated, like my needs don't mean anything to you...I'm willing to make some changes if needed, and I've expressed that to you. The ball is in your court. I want you to go to counseling to work this out. If you're not willing to take that step, I think its time for us to take a break from each other, and I'll move out for awhile. I'm really sorry to say that. You don't know how much. But I can't live like this.
I've used this tactic in other situations (not about sex) I got it from a book called "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. Its a really good book. Another idea...I don't know if you've heard of Focus on the Family? If you google it and find their site, they're all about helping families stay together, and you might find help there. Its James Dobsons ministry. Some of his stuff is way too conservative for me, but some of its good.
Be prepared if you use this tactic though...Your wife might do a double take and really turn things around, or things might not go the way you wish, and you might have to part ways. The good thing about it is though, that at least you know her answer and you're not sitting in fear of losing her. If you're miserable anyway, isn't it better to just know?
Good luck,
Deb
Hi Joe, dont believe I can add much but felt a man's perspevtive could possibly help. I have been right where you are now. I lasted 20yrs with my X who thought sex was only for reproduction and after our 3 sons were born what was the need. I tried everything from taking her on dates and getting a motel room to bringing home an x rated movie which only convinced her I was perverted,lol. I noted what you said about her folks because my X had a mother made of ice and her dad was mush. I belive much of what was wrong with her came from that. I am now remarried to a wondeful lady who lets just say we get along real good. In this new marriage our relationship with GOD is our first priority and everything flows from that. I also did the WRONG thing to end my first marriage, I cheated. After telling her I would if there wasnt any change I decided I owed it to myself. It not only hurt me it hurt my sons. Everything has been forgiven and relationships between sons and I are great but had I to do over again I would not cheat it wasnt worth it by a long run. Good luck Joe you and family will be in my prayers as well,Bruce
They say that there's two sides to every story. There's his side snd then there's her side. But the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle. I would love to hear her side of this story too because, joe, to me you sound like a man that's trying to find a reason to cheat on his wife and you want us to tell you that you are right, to relieve your conscience.
We don't really know if you're doing your part or not. How do you treat her, since you're saying that you both are like strangers/roommates/sister and brother or whatever it was.
It's horrible that you are considering cheating on your wife when you know that she has the same disorder as you do. You should understand more of what she is going through.
If you wont have patience with a woman that you vowed to spend your life with, then maybe you should cheat so that she'll get rid of you.
The first thing people seem to think of is cheating. What about trying to find a way to reach her. You said you've tried, but you are not finished until you find a solution. Cheating is such an easy way of getting out of working at your marriage.
DeeDee.
We don't really know if you're doing your part or not. How do you treat her, since you're saying that you both are like strangers/roommates/sister and brother or whatever it was.
It's horrible that you are considering cheating on your wife when you know that she has the same disorder as you do. You should understand more of what she is going through.
If you wont have patience with a woman that you vowed to spend your life with, then maybe you should cheat so that she'll get rid of you.
The first thing people seem to think of is cheating. What about trying to find a way to reach her. You said you've tried, but you are not finished until you find a solution. Cheating is such an easy way of getting out of working at your marriage.
DeeDee.
Joe - not to belabor the point, but obviously this is a complex issue, one with books and industries devoted to it and no shortage of opinions on the solution. For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you're doing just about everything you can to make yourself desirable to your wife, so don't take it on the ego too hard.
You know the program has coaches who can work with you individually? <A HREF="http://www.stresscenter.com/coaching/intro" TARGET=_blank>http://www.stresscenter.com/coaching/intro</A>. It might be beneficial to hear what they have to say.
Also, it might be good to let this issue go for now. I too have a few life-gremlins that need to be addressed, but I've decided all bets are off for the next 14 weeks. I'm betting that when the program's been completed, I'll probably be in a much better place to address them constructively.
You know the program has coaches who can work with you individually? <A HREF="http://www.stresscenter.com/coaching/intro" TARGET=_blank>http://www.stresscenter.com/coaching/intro</A>. It might be beneficial to hear what they have to say.
Also, it might be good to let this issue go for now. I too have a few life-gremlins that need to be addressed, but I've decided all bets are off for the next 14 weeks. I'm betting that when the program's been completed, I'll probably be in a much better place to address them constructively.
Poor Joe. You asked for help and got judgments! No judgments here. 
You didn't mention your age. Soon I'll be hitting that lovely menopausal age 
and if that's where your wife is now, it would explain a lot. It would really help to find out why your wife feels as she does so it's too bad she won't talk with someone. I think somebody mentioned only having sex for procreation. Do you think she's thinking that? That was my parents. They think it's a sin otherwise. They're still married. Anyway, hope people will stop judging you and your situation. You were pretty brave to put this out here. Truth is, most people have a problem in this area at some point in their life, they just aren't willing to talk about it out in the open. But they ARE pretty quick to judge the ones who do!
You didn't mention your age. Soon I'll be hitting that lovely menopausal age and if that's where your wife is now, it would explain a lot. It would really help to find out why your wife feels as she does so it's too bad she won't talk with someone. I think somebody mentioned only having sex for procreation. Do you think she's thinking that? That was my parents. They think it's a sin otherwise. They're still married. Anyway, hope people will stop judging you and your situation. You were pretty brave to put this out here. Truth is, most people have a problem in this area at some point in their life, they just aren't willing to talk about it out in the open. But they ARE pretty quick to judge the ones who do!Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.
~John F. Kennedy
~John F. Kennedy
Joe, I want to THANK YOU for posting here! When I read your post, I immediately had a rollercoaster of emotion(it hit home!) but in a NON judgemental way. Let me tell ya my situation, perhaps your wife may be feeling the same way??? here's a womans side of the story.
I am 39 yrs of age. I had twins 20 mo. ago and it has definately taken it's toll on the..well...sex life
I am so fatigued and NOT feeling very attractive! I am a stay-at-home Mom and I live where I work..there is no relief really!( I don't take time for myself.. I work hard at being the "perfect" Mom( very anxiety producing) I don't fix myself up (hair,parfume,makeup) Like I used to.(I'm a hairdresser, need I say more?).therefore My self esteem is low,low.and Low. I don't look like I did just less than two years ago and my face shows the tiredness.. My children go to bed at 8:30p.m. And by 9:30 I'm ready for bed myself. WHEN hubby and I "get together", it's quick, done and over with..for the sake of "getting it" before the kids wake up...(they seem to wake up every three hours. This has really taken it's toll on our intimate times..as you can probably imagine! So with that being explained...I have to admit, that this is why I'm dealing with Anxiety/depression..I KNOW it's because of this life change and I am NOT happy with the situation. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY BABIES...they were NOT accidents, they were planned..I just didn't know how exhausted I would be and what it would do to hubby and I. But what I do know is, that I LOVE HUBBY and he loves and adores me, we NEED to make time for "ourselves".. without being reminded of "how long it's been"(this makes me feel guilty and sad)when that happens, I feel like I owe it, to him instead of being a mutual loving participation..if ya know what I mean?? I ask him to be more sensitive and understanding...I know this is really difficult for him and I do what I can do..This too shall pass..We will hang on!! The TRUE act of loving someone isn't "in the bedroom(although it's important)..it's for better or worse, richer or poorer, in "sickness and in health"... I have to admit, Joe, that I too have feared, at times, that he would stray..(he works around a bunch of woman and he's very handsome and outgoing) BUT, As I am learning from this program, you can't control or change someone! I believe that if he were to "cheat", he had that in him ALL ALONG and that would have NOTHING to do with our "situation"... So with all of this being said, I hope things work out for you both. It's difficult, if you love her, hang on to it!! You have three beautiful children involved. I would try and ask her again about councelling. Let her know how important it is to you!
Take care,
Robin
I am 39 yrs of age. I had twins 20 mo. ago and it has definately taken it's toll on the..well...sex life
I am so fatigued and NOT feeling very attractive! I am a stay-at-home Mom and I live where I work..there is no relief really!( I don't take time for myself.. I work hard at being the "perfect" Mom( very anxiety producing
) I don't fix myself up (hair,parfume,makeup) Like I used to.(I'm a hairdresser, need I say more?).therefore My self esteem is low,low.and Low. I don't look like I did just less than two years ago and my face shows the tiredness.. My children go to bed at 8:30p.m. And by 9:30 I'm ready for bed myself. WHEN hubby and I "get together", it's quick, done and over with..for the sake of "getting it" before the kids wake up...(they seem to wake up every three hours. This has really taken it's toll on our intimate times..as you can probably imagine! So with that being explained...I have to admit, that this is why I'm dealing with Anxiety/depression..I KNOW it's because of this life change and I am NOT happy with the situation. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY BABIES...they were NOT accidents, they were planned..I just didn't know how exhausted I would be and what it would do to hubby and I. But what I do know is, that I LOVE HUBBY and he loves and adores me, we NEED to make time for "ourselves".. without being reminded of "how long it's been"(this makes me feel guilty and sad)when that happens, I feel like I owe it, to him instead of being a mutual loving participation..if ya know what I mean?? I ask him to be more sensitive and understanding...I know this is really difficult for him and I do what I can do..This too shall pass..We will hang on!! The TRUE act of loving someone isn't "in the bedroom(although it's important)..it's for better or worse, richer or poorer, in "sickness and in health"... I have to admit, Joe, that I too have feared, at times, that he would stray..(he works around a bunch of woman and he's very handsome and outgoing) BUT, As I am learning from this program, you can't control or change someone! I believe that if he were to "cheat", he had that in him ALL ALONG and that would have NOTHING to do with our "situation"... So with all of this being said, I hope things work out for you both. It's difficult, if you love her, hang on to it!! You have three beautiful children involved. I would try and ask her again about councelling. Let her know how important it is to you! Take care,
Robin
"O God, you are my God. Earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is BETTER than life,my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name, I will lift up my hands." Psalms 63
Thanks again to everyone - especially this last post by Mom, who really hit home with some sensible advice.
I am almost 44. I have issues with anger, anxiety and depression. I don't drink or smoke.I grew up in a violent household. I thought being macho was about violence and sex until I was almost 30. I also had a strong moral compass because of my Catholic upbringing. Do you see the struggle? At times, I am a perfectionist to almost unrealistic expectations of myself.
After reading ALL of the advice here, I know that the contributions are pointing me in the right direction.
Is there a part of me that wants to cheat? Of course, I am human. Would I? No. The stakes are too high. Am I selfish. Yes, at times I am and a lot of it is low self esteem and anger. I see that these issues are coming up in the program. There must be a reason for this.
At first, I was skeptical about this Peer Group, but now after reading all of the advice here, I see it has a wonderful purpose.
Agai, thanks to all. Hopefully, I will be able to give you sound advice in the future.
I am almost 44. I have issues with anger, anxiety and depression. I don't drink or smoke.I grew up in a violent household. I thought being macho was about violence and sex until I was almost 30. I also had a strong moral compass because of my Catholic upbringing. Do you see the struggle? At times, I am a perfectionist to almost unrealistic expectations of myself.
After reading ALL of the advice here, I know that the contributions are pointing me in the right direction.
Is there a part of me that wants to cheat? Of course, I am human. Would I? No. The stakes are too high. Am I selfish. Yes, at times I am and a lot of it is low self esteem and anger. I see that these issues are coming up in the program. There must be a reason for this.
At first, I was skeptical about this Peer Group, but now after reading all of the advice here, I see it has a wonderful purpose.
Agai, thanks to all. Hopefully, I will be able to give you sound advice in the future.