What went wrong ????

[CrystalDawn2011]

I am on Day 1 of disc 4.
The first week I was doing great!
The second week I had gotten myself down to NO panic attacks at all!
The third week I was doing amazing on my exposures (I am agoraphobic) Going as far as 45 miles passed my "safe place."

But the past week (Started on Week 3) - (on the negative thinking disc) I seemed to have lost everything!!

I am sitting here at the keyboard crying my eyes out. I found myself tonight yet again laying in the doorway of my back door with the 20 degree temps numbing my anxiety. (I used to be a cutter to manage the anxiety, but then turned to freezing myself with ice and cold weather)
My face is nearly frozen. My stomach is so cold it could keep ice cream cold where I had so many ice packs wrapped around it to numb the anxiety feeling. (The pain I get from the coldness helps me feel "in control" of something since I am otherwise so out of control of my anxiety.

I was doing so good?
Why is this happening?
I can't stop crying.
I have been in bed for days on end.
I have no energy or want to do anything.
Nothing sparks my intrest.
I am getting more and more anxious by the day.

How do I get back to where I was at?
I was doing so good.
NO PANIC attacks at ALL!
I was so optimistic and so "in with it."
And now I found myself like this ???

Please, I BEG someone to tell me why this has happened and what I can do to get back on track.

I can't go back to having panic attacks 5+ times per day. I can't go back to going to the emergency room OVER 250 times in one year!!
I can't go back to cutting myself!
I can't go back to being afraid to leave 5 minutes past my house.
I told myself when I got this program that this is MY LAST hope. I will NOT try anything else if this program doesn't work. I have been on Paxil, Lexapro, Celexa, Buspar, Zoloft, Efexor, Xanax, Klonopin, Valuim and Ativan. And many others with no help. Was refused treatment at my ER for going too much. (over 250 times in a year)

I CAN'T and WONT go back to that again.

I HAVE to get help to get back on this program because I have no other choice but death.

Please help.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Crystal Dawn--How are you doing since you post last?

[Paisleegreen]

Hi again, I wanted to post my question to let you know I read your posting.
Lucinda will tell you that as you go through the program you will go back a few steps, it is an ongoing process. I'm sorry that the meds haven't helped you in the past.

So you didn't get any relief from Xanax for the panic attacks?

[amoe]

I understand completely what you are saying. I was doing great til week 3 and then I just went right back into my constant sleeping for coping. Stayinga in a dark room all day. Exhausted, panicky, fearful. And i told my self and my Dad (who bought this for me, he saw it on tv and told me about it) that I would this was my last hope and I was going to put 100% into it and now I'm just blaw, depressed, and negative about everything. Doom and gloom. I am going to start completely over with the program from the welcome CD and somehow muster up the not so interested energy to listen to another session. I was so excited about this program and then week 3, its like I give up. What is wrong with me. Do I even want to get better? I am so confused. I feel I will be the only person to NOT get this and this is my last hope. The hospitals are tired of me too.

[Paisleegreen]

Why don't you just move on to the next CD. Are you afraid of what you might hear? There is nothing that will hurt you by hearing all of the CDs. Everything that is on them has been written about by many other authors in many different books. The knowledge is out there already, so there is nothing to be afraid or will hurt you and don't have to be "perfect" at.

You can do it! Paislee

[Sit-N-Spin]

Hey Crystal,

I know it's very,very,discouraging,but it's very common to feel that you are going backwards and sounds like you are,BUT,it's very common with the program I've read it over and over in many posts before,please Keep on the march and continue to work the program or whatever helps.As stated above it's very COMMON,so try not to get too discouraged.

[diva]

Hi,

I hope you are feeling better. The first thing I felt reading your post was your panic. It's fantastic that you were doing well for those few weeks. Healing is not in a linear fashion and its ok to have a set back. I know what you are feeling because I have felt it before. I know for me when this happens after I am feeling better I panic because I feel "I can't go through this again" or I feel it will never go away. Those thoughts create panic. The only thing that has helped me move through these feelings is to accept that they are there and that this is the way I feel. You have to help yourself accept it all, the whole package and be gentle with yourself. Depression/anxiety, these feelings are painful to have but when you can truly accept them you can move through them must easier. Keep working on it. We are not perfect. There is no timeline that you have to do it by. You will. That's all that matters.

I write these words to you not because I am completely healed but because I know these things have helped me before. I have in the past had a couple hard weeks and used these skills and came out of it much easier. Whereas, in the past I would have the experience last months and months. Each time gets easier.

Peace & Love

[Molly77]

I have heard that setbacks are normal when healing...it doesn't mean that they are forever, it just means that they are a setback is all. I know I feel scared when moving onto another disc. The first feeling is of panic anxiety and overwhelmed! That is normal..it doesn't mean we are getting worse and it will stay this way, it just means we are uncovering another layer of "ick" that needs healing. It feels "ickier" at first but hang in there..if you go through it and try again..maybe listen to the second disc again to help manage your attacks again? I read that it is suggested at the end of week 3 to go and listen to disc two again..maybe that is a good thing. I hope that you don't give up hon. Keep on keeping on..love yourself as you are. Ice packs and all. You are capable and loved.

[CrystalDawn2011]

Hello everyone!
And I want to first and foremost Thank each and every one of you for your replies.

I would now like to share the rest of my journal with you..

As I mentioned in the post I created I was falling apart!! I had a set back.
I found that I was trying to "master" everything "perfectly" in each session.
I took a deep breather, and started writing in my journal.
I decided to stay on Week 3 until I could understand things better.
I was getting very over whelmed by so much information that I just needed time to focus.

I have listened to session 4 and did some in the work book on that session too, I have stayed on session 3 for a good 2 or 3 weeks, I've been putting the skills taught from sessions 1 and 2 in place as well.. I told myself "there is NO set time limit, everyday is progress and I am blessed and happy for every one of those days and moments..

Now to share with you guys the news:

First off: I have found myself saying negative things and then saying, "Wait a minute!?! I don't even THINK that!! LOL Why on earth did my mind even think it?!?!?" My brain stayed in such nagative thoughts all of the time it was already deciding that things were negative before *i* had a chance to share my own opinion!! LOL I have caught myself more than a few times saying out loud, "Wow, that is terrible!." And then I actually say outloud to who I am talking to and say, "Wait a min. Sorry, That was my negativity speaking, just an old memory, this isn't bad at all! It's okay, and it will be ok!"

I did the journal and wrote every negatve thought. WOWZERS! O.O This alone will make your mind stop thinking negative because writing so much your hand hurts will make your brain think, "if I think that, my hand will be sore, so I better not!" LOL!!

I am getting ready to start Session 4. I *should be on Session 5 to 6* But I am perfectly happy with where I am at. I am just one of those people who need a little more time to adjust. And you know what? That is okay! I have no set time limit, I am being taught and learning new skills and putting them to use. I am greatful for the days that I have on any session.

I'm not sure if I posted this in my original post above, but I have Agoraphobia as well.. I will call it agoraphobia, I don't *really* like to give lebales to things, since it is actually just a lack of education on how to use skills to ease your own anxiety over things that make you uncomfortable, and all types of different things make people uncomfortable and we don't label them.

When I started the program I couldn't make it 5 miles past my house while being DROVE in the car by my husband. I would panic and have to turn around and *sometimes* have him turn on the emergency blinkers with my head hung out the window in the winter weather...

By the 2nd week I had made it 15 miles past my house. I got out and took pictures of my first goal being achevied. Later that week I went 20 miles past my house. I *did* panic, but *I* used my skills and went straight w/o turning back and after getting to the park 20 miles away, I even got out and walked the walking track!! I took pictures of a walking trail that I was on, I call this picture, "The pathway to freedom....."

At the very, very beginning of week 3 I went 35 miles away to a park! I had *no* panic that trip, but *did* have medium anxiety. I took pictures at that park of my foot prints in the snow and titled this pictures, "A Journey of 1 thousand miles, begins with the first few steps."

In the middle/end of week 3 is when I had my huge set back! It was a bad one!!!

I continued to listen to disc 3 and do the relaxtion disc. I wrote in my journal and would read, read, and read inspirtaional books. I had been trying to make it 40 miles past my house for days. I had tried 8 different times and when I got to a certain spot I would always tell my husband to turn back. I wasnt ready to face the "beast" as I like to call it. The panic.

Well 2 days ago after ripping out pages from a beautiful rose/garden calender and hanging the flowers/pictures all around my computer area and writing inspirational quotes on all of them, along with things from the program, I stood back and looked at them... A bit sad... I thought to myself, "Wow, this really is sad that I have to do this just to make it 40 miles past my home." I got ANGRY. I was ANGRY that *I* had to hang up an entire 12 month calender of pictures with quotes everywhere. I was ANGRY at the "beast."

I got in the car, The DRIVER seat, mind you. Told my husband to "GET IN NOW!"

I drove to the 40 mile mark, My heart felt funny, and I told myself, "This funny feeling in my chest and short of breath is not anxiety, OH NO!!! (which it was, but I was ANGRY!) This feeling is EXCITEMENT! I am EXCITED to beat this beast and show him who is BOSS!

I went from 40 mph to 65 (speed limit was 75) hehe~
I PLUNGED that car on through and kept on driving!!!
I turned up Foo Fighters and "Sound Garden ~ Rusty Cage" and kept on going. I was focused, wouldn't talk much.. Went over nearly everything from disc 1 to disc 3 in my program. Did the self talk, breathing, I even imaged Dr.Fisher and Lucinda there talking to me. And I *DROVE* 170 MILES away from HOME!!!! LOL !!!!!!

I am SOOOOO proud of myself!!! Wow!!! I laugh and smile every time I tell this story!! (and I tell it many times, as it's time positive things get turned into GIANT things! )

I took pictures of myself 170 miles away, IN ANOTHER STATE by the lake!!!

On my drive back, the excitement and anger had went down some, so now I was left with just the skills I knew with no anger to drive me. So I did reach around a 7 on the scale of panic, thought for a moment, "OMG What if I wreck the car?!? Why am I dizzy?" I even pictured myself walking and rolling around on the side of the 4 lane!!! I then told myself, "NO! Stay focused! BREATH! 1, 1 thousand, 2, 1 thousand etc. etc.) I turned up my Sound Garden ~I'm going to break this rusty cage and run CD music up and kept going. I DROVE through a pretty bad anxiety attack, not complete panic, but around a good 7 to 9. And guess what ?!? I DID IT!

And there is more!!! We got to the place I had been trying to make it to on the way back, the 40 mile mark. I pulled off the side of the road at that stop, looked around, Told that area out-loud, "You aren't as bad as I thought, You aren't scarey at all, You are actually quite nice" I then told any anxiety I had, "ummm excuse me, but *II am now in control of YOU, so you better back it on up, you DONT want me to give you the pay back you deserve, or I will be a thouand miles away on a cruise! haha!! )

I then got in the passenger side and allowed my husband to drive so I could lay my seat back and turn on the lovely Relaxation disc with my ear phones so I could have a little reward and "me time" to relax on the way back!

SO that has been my journey so far!!

I came home and all of those pictures of the flowers and quotes on my wall, didn't look so bad after all, They are actually quite beautiful.. Infact, I wouldn't have my area decorated any other way for now.

Here are some of the quotes written in a sharpy marker on many different beautiful flower pictures around my PC area.

"The world is full of beauty. Slow down, take in all of the positive things in life you can!"

"It is only in sorrow bad weather masters us; In joy, we face the storm and defy it!"

"There is no such thing as failure, but not trying to start with."

"You are what you think."

"Have you counted your precious moments today?"

"Believe in yourself!"

"You are strong, Capable and Compassionate."

"You can't control the wind, but you can control your sails."

"You can do anything you set your mind to."

"Anxiety is only a 'feeling' that always passes."

"A journey of 1 thousand miles, starts with 1 step."

and Reminders, "Have you completed your homework, journal entry and relaxation disc today?"

Just thought I would give you an update!
I will update you more as time passes!
And again, thank you all sooooo much for the replies!

[CrystalDawn2011]

Come on people!! Give me praise and encouragement!!