Collecting insults, rude and cruel remarks.

[NinjaFrodo]

Gerri Ahart;

Thank you and yes I am still looking for more insults for my assertiveness practice. I feel the intensity of those insults and I'm assuming these were insults directed at you as they are all related to each other. If this is true then I am sorry that they are directed at you, you don't deserve to be talked down to like that. You deserve respect and understanding and it doesn't sound like you're getting that from the other person and it sounds like that other person seems to be upset but isn't really talking about what upsets him! It sounds like he's blaming his problems on you instead of stating how he is bothered with some of your behaviors and he also isn't asking for what he needs he. He sounds like he is demanding you change when it sounds more realistic that he change (at least with his approach to handling issues). Is this a correct assumption?


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Since my niece and sister live in different states, we really don't have to deal with it. We are up front if needs be. It isn't too different than me being 12 years younger than my eldest sister, as I'm 8 years older than her first daughter. And I'm 13 years older than this adopted sister/niece.

We look a bit like each other, and have more of the same values and both are married with children, etc. My husband is from a larger family where he is 19 years older than the baby sister. Although they look more like eachother.

Listening to my sister has been okay, since she was at the reunion when my own children and spouse started to attack me and have a big discussion over my panic attacks and not being able to throw stuff away. I can get rid of stuff, it just isn't their place to throw my stuff of value when they have their own stuff to deal with. My niece/sister stood up for me and then my sister, the niece's Mom talked about hoarding issues that she has and Lucinda's CDs.

[Paisleegreen]

She has the program and it could really help her out but she isn't doing it and that must feel really frustrating. I know for me I've tried to help people out and gave them some really wonderful information only for them to not use it and continue to complain! I've been in that situation before and honestly the best kind of help I've gotten from another person (besides the program because well i didn't Meet Lucinda) was them listening and really understanding where I was coming from. One of my instructors had given me this gift. Part of the trainning for that style of shiatsu was learning how to really listen. To see the situation in the eyes of that other person and to empathize with how they are feeling. This is why the communication is so important in my opinion.

I know what you mean, she is sending me her CDs so that we can learn together and I will be able to talk to her and help her out. So when I offered to buy the CDs from her, she said that she would send them and then I send them back so that we can work together. She hasn't even gone to the P.O. to pick up her mail and a mailing stamp and some money to help her out.

So it took all that I learned from Burns and now here to be patient. If I were to complain, she would fight back that she hasn't received a DVD she filmed that I kept to make copies of for the family because I know how she is. She wouldn't have gotten them copied.

I disarmed her on day when she lamented that she should have taken the 2 miniDVDs since I hadn't sent it to her yet. I told her she did make the right decision to leave them with me because my son has them on his computer saved, the info, and I'm the keeper of my Parents photos from 1940 to their last days.

I had made a video of their photos for their 60th wedding anniversary, with pics from 1940 up to 2000 and a special scrapbook.

I now have 7 copies made by my son of the family reunion to send out to her and siblings. And before this she wanted me to send the DVD to my eldest sister before she (forgets) and then when I was going to see her daughter, my adopted sister, she told me to take the mini DVD to show her Grandchildren.

So I held my tongue, knowing eventually she'll get them sent. She just has to get her trailer ready for the winter and relies on alcoholics to help her out.

So Shiatsu is a form of massage that does what? I know what it does when chosen on a power massage chair.

[bevhembree]

I read this today and thought it might help in this discussion:

"Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out." Colossians 4:6 MSG

Thoughts for Today

Communicating with I-messages rather than you-messages is one key to successful communication in marriage and in any relationship.

You-messages sound like this: You just don't care ... You are a problem ... Can't you...? ... You are sooo ...

I-messages deal with facts. They convey what you feel or how your spouse's behavior is affecting you. Here are some examples: I feel very angry because ... I feel rejected because ... I feel hurt because ...

Consider this ...

I-messages communicate honesty and openness. The Bible teaches us to build up, not tear down. When we use I-messages, we are less likely to harm our marriage relationship since we aren't attacking our spouse's self-esteem. We are being gracious in our speech.

Prayer

Father, help me to be more gracious in communicating with my spouse. Help me to build up and not tear down. In Jesus' name ...

[Gerri Ahart]

Mike-
You are correct. I guess instances like when those insults are thrown are perfect opportunities to practice what I have learned. Which is tons. I wouldn't have been able to make the changes had I not found this program. I am learning that I could be a 6 foot 3 blonde model with huge breasts and the heart of Mother Theresa and my husband would still choose to be miserable and look at his life the way he does. So... I keep at it- listening to my tapes and assertively letting him know that talking to me that way will no longer be tolerated. It has worked the last few weeks- but of course I can always let his past insults find it's way back into my head every so often. It is freeing to know that I can have that control- let it in or keep it out. And your right, no one deserves to be treated that way- but it happens. Thanks for listening

[*slimjim]

Having read alot of this topic I'd just like to interject that siblings can just be as bad as parents. Take for instance my brother Lester. Now Les or Punkie as Dad called him you weren't anything unless you had a 9 to 5 job, had two cars in the garage and a checking account that you could buy anything and everything you wanted that your oldest brother could buy that you HAD TO HAVE TOO. Yup that was Punkie. So since I myself always fell short of all this I wasn't worth his time to talk to.
But by the end of his life, because he had a Kidney Disease that was on my father's side of the family, I discovered that Punkie was litterally drowning in debt. And the perfect world he wanted wasn't never there. His wife was taking out loans at the credit uniion without his knowledge to pay there bills so when the money to pay back the loans were due this just added to his depression and helped put him in his early grave. So you see even though there's others who act like they know better they in my opinion don't.