knowing if someone is right for you

guitarrr · Post by **guitarrr** » Mon May 17, 2010 2:24 pm

Hi, I just wanted to maybe get some advice on here. I've been seeing this girl for like a little over a month now maybe, and idk, I guess we really like each other so far. Just yesterday though things got a little weird. I guess it caused me to wonder if she's right for me or something. Basically, she asked me a strange question. It involves something kind of explicit, but it was about like, a sexual thing basically. She said something like "would you be okay with me getting something done to me by someone else if you wouldn't do it" because I said I wasn't sure if I would want to do this particular thing. Well I kind of made it sound like I would never do it. Well I mean she was kind of just asking but not seriously considering doing something like that with someone else, but it just freaked me out to say the least. I kind of was sitting there not sure what to say for like 10 minutes. She apologized later and said she wouldn't have really thought that or done that, but it just stayed with me. Then we got into something else that I didn't know about her before that sort of bothered me but mostly because of how that question startled me. She was like really understanding of what I was saying about that and everything else I was saying though, and she pretty much always has been. It kind of made things a bit awkward that night though. So I mean, I'm not sure what I completely think right now. I mean I really like her and we really get along, but we do have differences. Most are just minor, but I guess I'm more conservative than her with certain things. It has nothing to do with being committed or anything, but its just like I'm wondering if just thinking about stuff she's done is going to bother me. Any advice? I'm not sure this post is coherent, but I figured I'd give it a shot.

newrunner · Post by **newrunner** » Tue May 18, 2010 7:59 am

Hi Guitarrr-

Don't get down on yourself for having a red flag pop up. You said you've been seeing her for a month. That is not too long, and you are in the time of getting to know each other. If you don't want to do whatever thing she wants to do, and she wants to do it, then let her go do it without you. If your brain is screaming stop, then I'd listen to that. It's not worth compromising your principles. There is the perfect girl out there, and you owe it to yourself and her to stick up for your ideals.

samcat · Post by **samcat** » Tue May 18, 2010 8:19 am

I agree with everything newrunner said. Give yourself some time and don't compromise what you are looking for in a companion. Let time go by and see what this woman is really like and remember one thing--actions speak louder than words.

guitarrr · Post by **guitarrr** » Tue May 18, 2010 1:39 pm

Thanks a lot. My brain isn't screaming stop or anything. I guess you're right about giving it more time. I've only been in one relationship so I'm like, not even used to getting to know someone. The one I was in we kind of rushed into. But anyway, things are going good otherwise. I get nervous sometimes because I like her and stuff, and she talks a lot and some things I'm not used to talking about. None of it is bad or anything though, that was the only thing that popped up that was strange. You're right about the actions speaking louder though. I'm not used to dating I guess. It's hard for me to open up about what I'm feeling and stuff too, but its becoming easier. I was pretty honest last time we hung out and I felt a lot better after that and now I feel more comfortable so who knows. But idk, relationship and even dating stuff is something that does cause me anxiety maybe more than it should, but its something I didn't hear about too much in this program for some reason.

samcat · Post by **samcat** » Tue May 18, 2010 1:50 pm

Guitarr,

You sound like my husband--I talk more and he is more quiet. I think that is pretty typical. Just let the relationship flow naturally--sounds like you are doing fine. You said you opened up more last time, so that is good. Just take things at your own pace and the speed you feel comfortable with. The important thing is, just be yourself and if she doesn't like you for the real you, then she isn't the one. Lucinda does cover this sort of stuff, she just doesn't call it dating. She talks about not having to try so hard to be liked and stuff like that. That would definitely apply to dating.

guitarrr · Post by **guitarrr** » Wed May 19, 2010 2:35 pm

Thanks a lot. Yeah, I just get anxious about this kind of stuff. Like right now I'm anxious/depressed for some reason. Sometimes I get anxious when we text because sometimes it seems like she gets annoyed easily and when I say some stuff its like she sometimes assumes I mean something else. I'm not sure though cause you can't hear someones tone of voice through a text. Everytime we talk on the phone everythings like totally fine, but with texting I just get anxious. She was gonna go out to this bar/grill place with a few people from work and her sister, and I'm wondering if I'm anxious because of that? Or do I miss her or want to talk to her. Idk. It's weird.

samcat · Post by **samcat** » Thu May 20, 2010 3:07 pm

Sounds like you are falling for her and you are right, that can feel wierd!! I've been married for 38 years, but I remember the feelings and thoughts. Do they like me, what do they think, oh lord, it can go on and on. Just try to remember to be yourself and like I said, don't try quite so hard. If you two are right for each other, it will click.

Good luck. You can always look at as an adventure and see where it leads--that injects a little more lightness into the whole thing:)

guitarrr · Post by **guitarrr** » Fri May 21, 2010 5:20 pm

Yeah, I know what you mean. Just today though like, her sister (who she lives with) has a couple pet rats (sounds gross but they look like mice) and one of them has had a tumor and earlier today they had to put it down. Like her sister did while she was at work. And like I texted her a little while ago and she said 'I was hoping to hear from you earlier' and I kind of got a little annoyed. We usually text eachother like at night, around the same time, and its pretty much always me that initiates the talking. So like, I just thought she'd be busy with stuff earlier and she was also going to visit her parents so I figured she'd be like busy and it wouldn't be convenient to talk. But I guess she thought cause that stuff was going on she was hoping I'd call or something? I just don't know. I guess it's not like a big deal. I just have bad memories of my ex guilt tripping me and stuff, and it reminded me of that. Not that it was necessarily a guilt trip, but idk. I guess I'll talk to her since I'm seeing her tomorrow night anyway.

samcat · Post by **samcat** » Sat May 22, 2010 2:19 pm

I know that I get very upset if one of my pets has to be euthanized, so maybe she was upset and hoping to get some comfort from you. I don't think she was trying to give you a guilt trip, I think she was probably just sad about the little rat, and so she was hoping to hear from you. Lots of times we women expect men to read our minds and get a little annoyed if they don't and I suppose it works the other way around too. Just remember the section in the program about expectations.

guitarrr · Post by **guitarrr** » Tue May 25, 2010 2:15 pm

Yeah, thats what it was. I was kind of just used to texting or talking to her later after work. I kind of thought maybe she didn't wanna think about it during the work day but I guess I could have sent something. I felt bad and stuff after she was talking about it to me. But yeah, we are kinda, a lot different from one another. Last night we talked for awhile and I guess I was asking more about like her guy friends just so I could find out stuff. I sounded like jealous and maybe accusatory I think though, but I just immediately react to stuff sometimes. I don't really have a problem with it now but sometimes when I hear certain things I don't like I react badly, even when they aren't like explained right away or something. But anyway so we talked about other stuff because I'm kinda confused about our relationship or whatever. I guess I said that after a little while I would wanna feel like we are like in a relationship, if that makes sense. Cause we are just kind of more casual now. One reason is that I need to do an internship (and then get a job) and I don't know where I'm doing the internship yet or job. I wanna find someplace not too far but I'm not sure she would want to do a relationship if it's far at all. Just from things she's said. So idk, I guess I'll see and we'll keep talking, unless she got too turned off last night lol. I guess I just don't wanna be sort of tied to an area unless I feel like the relationship is worth it, I mean we def like each other and stuff but I guess I was concerned about that.