help me to understand

ksl hopeless romantic · Post by **ksl hopeless romantic** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:55 am

2009 was rough but i weathered it. lost a business me and my wife built of 10 years.i fell into depression and low self esteem thought to myself if i could lose my business why couldnt i lose my wife. I know Wha If! went to the Dr. opened my eyes to a few things and i got better. on nov. 20th my wife shut down completely. doesnt talk to me and says she needs space to figure out issues in her head. she is fixing to be 38. is she battling the same things i went through or are hers hormonal. Please help me because she wont talk.

ksl hopeless romantic · Post by **ksl hopeless romantic** » Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:58 am

Well i finally got her to talk a little bit the other day. she says she loves me but doesnt want to hurt me because shes afraid she will say things she doesnt mean. i told her that the distance she has put between us has already hurt me. i straight up asked her if she wanted a divorce, NO REPLY then i asked her if she had thought about it and she said yes. I got her mother involved because you just dont throw away 18 years overnight. she told her mom ive done nothing wrong and she doesnt know why she feels this way toward me and that she just needs space to figure it out. her mom convinced her to goto a specialist and have her hormones checked, and she agreed she goes tommorrow. up until nov 20 we have had that storybook marriage.
somebody out there has had to have been in my situation before if you can shed any light on this issue i would appreciate it no matter how painful it is. Im finding myself changing through all this and i worry that i will build a wall around my heart and i worry what happens when the last brick is laid.. will i beable to let her back in?????

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:29 am

First of all I want to say I'm really really sorry for your situation. I deal with fears of losing my husband all the time even though I personally have no need to be worrying.

The best thing you can do for yourself is realize...if she DOES want to leave and refuses to try and make it better...try to remember how you were before you met...you survived without her then and you can now. Marriage is a form of dependent relationship I guess you could say but we tend to forget we were all just ourselves before our significant other came along. This is just personally something I had used with past relationships..not sure if anyone else can shed some light on whether this is actually a healthy way of coping or not.

As for your wife...have you asked her about infidelity? Does she have feelings for someone else? If so a counselor would be good.

Is communication normally really good with the two of you? Because the most important thing is to talk. Ask her if there is anything she can say that won't be something she doesn't mean...something that can give you any clue at all what could be wrong. Ask about counselling if you can afford it?

ksl hopeless romantic · Post by **ksl hopeless romantic** » Tue Jan 12, 2010 3:42 pm

Thanks for responding. her mother talked to her today and she told her mom that she loves me and her mom asked her if there was anybody else and she swore there wasnt, she just needed time to figure things out. as far as me and her go general conversation is fine but anything else and she shuts down. im all for therapy but i think she will be surprised to find out she has issues. she has a doctors appt. tommorrow and im glad. When i had my issues i pulled her closer but with her she pushes me away. My wife is an independant woman and thats what i fell in love with. I use too feel like i needed her "codependancy" but now my thoughts are I love her and i want her here but it takes 2 to make a marriage and yes i will survive without her but I just dont understand how 18 years can vanish so fast. There is still hope and i will fill you in more after i find out what the doctor says. I worry about our children my 15 year old daughter knows something is up but my 11 year old son is clueless as of now.
Thanks for listening
Hopeless Romantic

ksl hopeless romantic · Post by **ksl hopeless romantic** » Thu Jan 14, 2010 3:08 pm

Well she went to the doctor yesterday. her mom said she didnt know anything yet. she still hasnt told me that she went i only know through her mom. I went over and built a collage of pictures of our life from the beginning of our marriage until now for her to look and reflect over the last 18 years, and man what a life we have had. i had a cd in the player with a Reba song called Consider Me Gone listen to it if you havent it describes my situation to a T. She never said a word to me about it. I think at this pont i am done. she knows i love her but i cant make her love me back. I asked her last night very nicely when could we discuss our situation and she said i dont know im not ready. I can only hope that the test results come back out of whack. My question to you women who have gone through this is if its hormonal why do you crush the ones closest to you? Please help me to understand?????????

ksl hopeless romantic · Post by **ksl hopeless romantic** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 4:26 pm

Just wanted to give you an update. Still no news on the doctors appt. we got into a spat sunday morning about all her silence. when she got home from work i apologized for getting upset i told her i loved her and that i was scared and i didnt want to lose what we had built in our marriage over the last 18 years.
i called her today but she wouldnt answer the phone and thought for sure she was done with me but when i came home from work she had dinner ready and she got up and made me a plate we had good family conversation. My dad is handicapped so i had to get him ready for bed and when i got home she was in bed i went over told her i loved her she said i love you in a sweet tone that i havent heard in a long time i gave her a kiss on the forehead and told her to get some rest. i dont want to read too much into this but it felt good what a rollercoaster ride i am on.

peaceandjoy7 · Post by **peaceandjoy7** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 4:55 pm

You sound like a very kind person, I sincerely hope that everything between you and your wife works out. You did you best, you told her how you felt and that you love her and want to work things out, when she is ready she'll talk to you. Just be patient as hard as it is. Sometimes, people go through things and need time to heal before they can communicate to others. Just let her know that you love her and you respect her feelings and when she is ready to talk to you, you will be there for her.

ksl hopeless romantic · Post by **ksl hopeless romantic** » Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:17 am

Thank you. Ive always tried to do for my wife and children before doing for me. I am trying to be patient it just hurts cause this has been going on since November. I express my feelings and my wife holds hers in. She will be 38 on thursday and i know that is bothering her and she probably wonders what shes done with her life. Well she married a man that worships her and she gave birth to 2 beautiful children that we are very proud of and she is a wonderful mother. Now she is very edgy almost as if she feels like she does everything and we do nothing. I set the house up for christmas and took christmas down the only thing she did was put the lights on the tree. That was always a family thing. I dont know.....

deedee00 · Post by **deedee00** » Tue Jan 19, 2010 6:40 am

You have to remember, when you lost your business, she lost hers too.

She could be trying to deal with that in her mind, along with getting old. That's a lot!

People handle problems in different ways. It may not be hormones. EVERYTHING women go through is not hormones.

I hope you're not confronting her all of the time about it being hormones, unless you absolutely know that she has hormonal issues.

I hate it when men blame hormones whenever women get angry, or have problems. But men can go through the same things and nobody mentions hormones.

Continue being kind to her. Forget about her only putting the lights on the tree, cause that's really not impotant. And let her deal with thing in her way.

If you do you may have a better outcome than if you keep asking her to talk. Let her talk when she's ready. I know you want answers now, but it's better to just give her time.

Wildcard · Post by **Wildcard** » Tue Jan 19, 2010 10:24 am

Kls,

I know, in a way, where you are coming from. 10+ years ago we lost our second child and it tore me up. I mean it hit me hard... a ton of bricks is too small! My wife went to work that day and hasnt really had a problem with it. At least not that it shows, I have asked her and she said she is fine with it. In fact I almost got fired from my job because of something I told a client. Anyhow, talk to your wife like everything is fine. Make sure you tell her you love her everyday! You may need to put on a tough outter shell for a bit but in the long run it will be for the better. Notice the word WILL! The big thing is to also take care of you but make sure to tell her you love her everyday. I hate to sound like Im beating a dead horse (gross thought isnt it?) but exspressing your love is the key! Besides, that may be the help to get her hormons in check! (I'M KIDDING!! sorry dee dee had to put that in there!)

KLS, she may want her space so give her SOME. Keep care of yourself and the kiddos and she will work this out on her own. You want to keep the kids happy which, by the way it sounds, will help keep you happy.

I sure am sorry you are going thru this! Let me know if I can help in any way!!!