An eye-opening moment: I need to make changes!

[AJH021581]

Hello you all,

I had a very eye-opening moment while talking to my dad last night: Because of my depression (sometimes severe) and anxiety (largely OCD, plus ROCD), combined with my introvert-extrovert see-saw personality(?), he thinks that it will be several years before I'm able to have a romantic, boyfriend-girlfriend (I'd be the girlfriend... *lol*) relationship. Unless I make some changes to my lifestyle and the ways in which I deal with my depression and anxiety, I fear he's right on.

Today, I'm quite depressed and furious with myself because I have created a mostly-solitary lifestyle in which to dwell. I hold a full-time job - which I love! - but beyond that, I prefer to stick to myself most of the time. It's easier that way, I guess. I sleep as much and as often as possible, which is a coping technique to keep me from feeling depression and anxiety, but it also keeps me out of the "real world." Getting together socially with anyone, even my best friend, often causes both real excitement and a little dread because I have to "do something." Then again, sometimes social events thrill me because sometimes I am a very social person! After a social event, though, I always withdraw into myself so that I have "me time." My dad calls this part of my personality(?) a "see-saw" because when I'm social, I'm a total extrovert, and when I'm not social, I'm a total introvert. This isn't a bi-polar thing (thank God), but it's not fun regardless.

Other than for work - which is a "regular" first-shift sort of deal - I operate on my own time schedule, which is not anything like the average person's time schedule. As noted above, I sleep a lot, which means that I sleep most of the weekend hours away. When I am awake, it's usually in the later afternoon, evening, and night hours, and I usually prefer to spend this time alone. I could chalk that up to being with people all week and needing "me time," but I think that a big part of that is depression more than anything. I do require a generous amount of "me time," but I think I'm using my depression as an excuse to have even more time alone.

Here's my thought: I need to change my lifestyle. I honestly don't know whether my "see-saw" reaction to life is part of my personality or part of my depression, but I think I can change it regardless. I know I need to change slowly so that I'm not overwhelmed, and, anyway, people who make drastic changes usually don't keep their resolutions: Too much, too soon, is too stupid. *lol* My plan is to 1) Get up 10 minutes earlier every morning, 2) Get up by 10am on Saturdays to start (I'll worry about Sundays later), and 3) Attend church with my mom and grandmas at least two out of every four weekends a month. I'm not particularly religious, but I believe strongly in God and, anyway, it's a good reason to be awake on the weekends! Also, I guess there's a 4) I need to think positively about social events so that I don't let myself dread them.

I hope to gain a more stable, productive awake time by doing this. I hope to learn to operate more like an average person. I hope to stablilze the "see-saw" I ride on. I hope that I will become a less self-focused person so that I can welcome the changes, excitements, and challenges of adding a relationship to my life.

My reason for writing this is two-fold: First, I just needed to get my thoughts down. Second, I welcome any of your thoughts, opinions, and ideas as to how else I might change my bad habits and stablize my "see-saw."

Thanks so much!