Changing

[PhyllisNeri]

Well, I think I am FINALLY beginnning to get something here. AT first, and during, my journey into the program I truly felt I am NEVER going to get anything out of this. Then finally, I started to push myself to drive. Since I moved to a new area of the country, I NEVER drove. Then, finally, I started to drive. AT first, only to very local places. Last week, I decided I was going to do the grocery shopping on my own. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, no you are not like me. But let me tell you, After just doing that one thing, By taking that risk (yes I was afraid) I realized how freeing it is to be able to do something on my own and not have to depend on someone else to do it for me. Then I also thought to myself: this is so freeing to be able to take my time and shop and not think about the person waiting for me to finish my shopping. By just doing that one simple thing. I was then able to go out and get a haircut. Did I feel anxious? YES. Did I think I was going to run out of the chair with half of a haircut and my hair soaking wet? Yes I did. But I did it. I did something by MYSELF for MYSELF. Now, a week later, I am listening to the CD "The Courage to Change." As I was listening to it, i remembered something I learned in therapy a long time ago. It just came to me, I was actually dozing off when I thought it. HOW MUCH WORSE WOULD IT BE NOT TO DO IT? How much worse would it be to go through the consequences of not doing it? HOW BAD WOULD IT BE NOT TO TAKE THE CHANCE TO DO IT NOW? HOW BAD IS IT GOING TO FEEL TOMORO, A WEEK FROM NOW, A YEAR FROM NOW, thinking maybe even a year from now how much time I wasted having the experience of feeling the freedom to be able to take care of myself?? How much worse does it feel to have to rely on someone else to do something for me than to do it myself? I hope this inspires some one at least a little bit to think about how much worse it is to not do something than actually do it and banish the consequense of not doing it.....good luck to everyone out there, I think I am going to need to listen to "Going through a Growth Spurt." since I am afraid I may be giving up my secondary gain and no one will ever help me anymore!

[Iwillbebetter]

Thank you for this post Phyllis - it is VERY motivating!!!

[NeverQuit]

Just wanted to say, that's so awesome! Realizing your secondary gains, taking that step of faith (as I like to call it), being willing to change, is SO key to recovery. I had to make a really tough decision last year with a relationship, and I consider that my "courage to change" moment. I love that lesson, it's so motivating! Change is an instrument that I believe God uses to bring new things into our lives, and most importantly, BETTER things. It's just hard to see it in the middle of a crises. We believe that the current state we're in is safer than changing, safer than taking a risk, because it's familiar, and as anxioius people, we're scared of so many things - failure, losing someone's approval, possibly hurting someone, making a mistake, etc. But when we take that step of faith, doing what we know in our core is best for us, we step out into freedom!
Thank you for posting this, it's a great reminder to all of us to continue pressing on.

[keepsmilin]

I am only in my week two, first day- "Panic Attacks." But let me tell you, I am SOOO DRIVEN to change my behaviours...almost OCD about it really ahaha...but I am so ready! And I FEEL, like you, that I will be free! (Though you FEEL free...I believe I WILL FEEL FREE). I actually cried during the relaxation cd today! Near the end... when she says "Pictured yourself as you want to be..."... shortly after, I then cried! It was so overwhelming..but for the first time in sooo long, it was a good kind of cry and a good kind of overwhelm. I visualized and well, fully PICTURED ME AT FULL PEACE..and then I FELT IT..then the tears came. Because yeah..after many years of living a certain way with certain behaviours and a certain lifestyle......I am finally starting to change my behaviours and I know it will be for the better! I didn't even know I was suppose to do any of this until StressCenter.com came along..Thank goodness! CHANGE IS GOOD! Keep given er' yual XO

[keepsmilin]

Thank you for reminding me that FREEDOM IS OUT THERE! It's in me. It just takes time and practise

[LyndaLu]

[quote="NeverQuit" It's just hard to see it in the middle of a crises. We believe that the current state we're in is safer than changing, safer than taking a risk, because it's familiar, and as anxioius people, we're scared of so many things - failure, losing someone's approval, possibly hurting someone, making a mistake, etc.

This is exactly how I feel, but beginning today I am going to start concentrating on my accomplishments
each day, no matter how small they are. I am just now reading the Recovery chapter in Lucinda's
book and I think that that will help me a lot this week to move on. I am sick of whining all of the time
on these posts and that is really getting to me. I think I should read more Triumphs and Humor. I haven't
laughed in a long time.

Hoping to change.......Lynda

[LyndaLu]

Beginning today I am going to start concentrating on my accomplishments
each day, no matter how small they are. I am just now reading the Recovery chapter in Lucinda's
book and I think that that will help me a lot this week to move on. I am sick of whining all of the time
on these posts and that is really getting to me. I think I should read more Triumphs and Humor. I haven't
laughed in a long time.

Hoping to change.......Lynda

[keepsmilin]

YES! Praise all the good things you do...big or small! I will do the same

[keepsmilin]

LyndaLu, good for you! I will do the same.

Praise your good qualities and the good things you do

[Akm]

I am almost at a loss of words. This is my first time on this board and I know that this community is part of the healing process so I am making the effort here. I can totally relate to the feeling of being driven to pursue this healing. I WNAT IT BAD!!! I now know that there is another way to BE. For the first time in my life I feel like the dark cloud that followed me is moving out of my blue sky. ALL MY LIFE I have been struggling with this madness. It never occurred to me that it had a name other than my own. I assumed all my life that I was just a defective person, broken somehow, destine to toil in emotional pain all my life. Well now I know this madness has a name and it's not my name. I stood in my bathroom and said "I see you", "i see you now and you are not ME." It was a moment when I felt this thing move off of me if that makes any sense. I felt a weight literally move off of me. And i can say this has been the best week and a half ever. Nothing special happened just per say. Just knowing that there is healing and a different way of being is available and i have the tools to be free. I have had such a calm over me that I can't put it into words. I had nervous burning stomach, headaches, diarrhea without notice, irregular heartbeat, brain freeze, sensory overload, panic attacks, dizziness, confusion, isolation issues, crazy shyness, anti social issues, slept way to much, uncontrolled blood pressure( which I am seeing a specialist for tomorrow.pray for me that no organs have been damaged while it was high and I was all crazy in the head.196/120 was the highest but its down now.), memory issues, depression, hopelessness, anger outburst, mood swings galore, perfectionism, unrealistic standards and expectations, couldn't relax or have fun. When ever I had fun my body didn't know the difference between good and bad excitement. So a trip to the ER came in the middle of a GREAT fun day just as if I were in a car wreck. I began to hate my body because I felt like it was my enemy at every turn. "I hate my stomach" was a common phrase. WOOOOW this was a miserable existence God knows it was. I never could understand why i could go to church and hear a GREAT sermon and go home and still struggle with this stuff. I knew I had no coping skills for life in general which gave me a great fear when i left home to be on my own. I had no life skill period. My mother taught me nothing to prepare me for life. I was so scared. This anxiety and depression are the reason I don't have a better paying job, a boyfriend/husband, more friends, and a happy home. I wore my self completely out.I never learned to handle stress and bad things happening or good one for that matter. I was so angry about this on a subcon. level. because i could not understand what was wrong with me and how to fix it. Im a fix it person. If i cant fix it or you Im a failure so i thought. I know now what hope feels like literally. I have joy, a very unfamiliar feeling. The best thing was when i read SLOOOOOOW DOOOOOOWN. because I need to stop. I was killing myslef literally. Running running running and getting nothing worth while done. I am so happy. my energy is coming back. My prayer is for energy, health, consistency, and focus and a softer heart. thats all. If he never gives me another thing these are fine. I grew so hard and cold and unaffectionate because all of this. I am a whisper of my somewhat happy old self. But my whisper is getting louder and im ready. it's just anxiety, not Angie. I have to tell the story of how i found this program no lie...I had fallen asleep on my sofe and the tv was left on. At about 2am i was head long into a dream and the Stress commercial had seeped into my dream. The questions Ms. Basset asked int he infomercial appeared as a man in a hallway I had entered. He had a display table set up and just began asking me these questions and i passed him by with a strange look and kept walking. he kept asking these questions and everyone I knew had a yes answer so as i turned the corner he asked the last question and it hit me hard and i came back around the corner to talk to him and thats when i woke up out of dead sleep to get the Stress contact information. it was as if the dream and reality merged because i knwo exactly what i was doing when i opened my eyes to get the information. God is so good he will give you your answers even in your sleep. he hears his childrens cry and sister i was crying. Mind you I was having a hard week and completely for got I ordered the program. Memory issues. Came home weighted down and there sat the box and I listened and cried. I SEE YOU NOW AND YOU ARE NOT ME!!!!