Hope this gives a little hope.

keepontruckin' · Post by **keepontruckin'** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 3:17 pm

Yesterday was my 25th birthday, and one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Not because of a party or a gift, but because I feel like I've ridden on the most turbulent roller coaster of my life in this last year and I'm proud to say I'm moving on. A year ago today, I had just suffered my first panic attack - one that lasted on and off for a week. I was a wreck. I was about 15 pounds thinner (which put me at a measley 100 pounds - gross) I couldn't sleep or eat, I was having crying spells, the scary obsessive thoughts were HAUNTING me - I could go on and on, but I know you guys know what it feels like. I felt like a ghost, like I had lost myself. I was scared to death. I had never EVER experienced anxiety/depression at this intensity and I didn't know why this was happening to me. Oh my goodness, I still can't believe it.

A month later, I was given the program and started to go through the biggest learning period of my life thus far. I did a tremendous amount of research on everything that had to do with the condition of the mind in an anxious/depressed/obsessive/you name it! state on the internet, read tons of books, talked to people I knew I could trust, and what I believe helped me the most - prayed and prayed and prayed.

I honestly though I would never be able to smile or laugh at a joke again without forcing myself to. I thought I'd never be able to relax and have a peaceful mind ever again. I thought I'd never "feel" like myself again. I couldn't control my mind, and the more I tried, the worse it got. I learned a lot through the program. The posts on here helped tremendously. Just knowing that you are not alone is an amazing comfort and many times stopped me from going to deep into a panic attack.

I know why, now, all this came up. I was like a volcano inside and it was just a matter of time before all I was going through had to come out somehow! I was going through a lot of life changes, graduating from college, planning a wedding, I was putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself, I felt like a loser if I wasn't immediately "successful," and some family things that had happened in the past that I tried to push away I think finally just had to come out. I was my own worst enemy, and I was trying to do everything myself. I constantly compared myself to people who I considered more successful, I was constantly thinking about what I "thought" I needed to be doing, what I thought I needed to have, what I thought everyone else expected of me. I hated myself for not living up to my standards. How can you live like that?! Well, I think if you are on these forums, you know what I'm talking about. And all of this time you'd describe yourself as a bubble, friendly, positive person - funny, huh?

Today, I laugh at the things that used to scare me, I can fall asleep without having to talk myself out of an obsessive thought process and better yet - wake up relaxed in the morning! Who woulda thunk it?! I can genuinely smile at people. I can have a conversation without having racing thoughts going through my head at the same time - isn't it just exhausting??!!! Talk about multi-tasking! I'm starting to live, as Lucinda and Carolyn, and all the others who recovered on the tapes "in the moment." It feels great. I feel like myself again - but a much more positive, "everything's gonna be alright" me.

There are so many times I've wanted to write in this "Triumph" section but I was too scared I would and then relapse. It was like, when I was feeling good, I didn't want to jinx it, and I didn't want to be a liar, so I'd just say to myself, next time. Well, I'm not scared anymore. I'm not waiting any longer. I've had many set backs in the past year, don't get me wrong, but I've made my way out every single one of them.

I'm moving on. Please know that you are not alone and that, when you start to feel better and you are able to take a step back, you will see how small this is. Yes, there are certain medical conditions, hormone imbalances, traumatic life experiences, genetics (and believe me I'm SOL when it comes my genes and depression - haha - it's coming at me from all sides) but in the end we are doing it to ourselves. You will see from a much broader perspective and laugh. These body symptoms, scary thoughts, obsessive reasoning, all of it - it's not you and you know that. Give yourself from credit for once. Take a step back even if you have to pretend, and laugh. Tell yourself you are insane (not like scary thought insane, but unbelievable insane) and laugh at yourself. Don't take this so seriously. You'll be fine. I promise.

God bless.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 3:54 pm

That is a relief to read. I once managed to get out of the woods ten years ago but it's back with a vengeance and I plan on getting throught this SOB. Thanks for your story but remember that we are not there yet and most of us are scared to death and aren't even able to function. Conratulations to you! I am really looking forward for all of us to feel a hell of a lot better. One thing I noticed helps me is somehow mustering up the courage to help others, it gives me my confidence back, the confidence that the panic stole from me and that is step #1. Good luck guys and God Bless! Don't freak yourselves out, as I have done..it will pass and you aren't crazy!

Mom of 6 · Post by **Mom of 6** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 8:43 am

Good for you keepontruckin !!!!

Wow, I can ditto so much of what you have written and I'm more than twice your age

.

AND, yes, yes, yes,
LIFE IS GOOD and there are many, many of us who have learned these awesome coping skills and who are living much more peaceful, fulfilled and content lives. This program is amazing.

I love hearing all the triumphs and am so glad that you shared this with us.
THANK YOU!
Huge hugs to you.

Jules,
Do you have this program? If not, get it. Saved my life.
Most of us have always been good at comforting others and helping out people who are anxious or depressed. We just were NOT good at helping ourselves, or comforting ourselves or giving ourselves encouragement.
Concentrate on you. Be a healthy selfish as Ken says in one of the tapes.
God bless.

Searching for some peace · Post by **Searching for some peace** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 8:48 am

keepontruckin,
Me again.

By the way, I was going through a bit of a stressful month and your post was one of the bright, hopeful spots in my day today and a gentle reminder to me to refocus and let go of it all.
Thanks again.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 27, 2009 5:30 am

keepontruckin,
Thank you for your inspirational post. I'm so glad you decided to put it on the forum. Like cindylou, I have just come out of a very stressful month. Your post reminded me that while we may have our ups and downs, we'll never be back to where we were when we first started the program. You really hit the nail on the head when you said we need to take a step back and see this for what it really is...just anxiety. Every time I fall back into my old ways of thinking, I focus on the lessons again and "reprogram" my over-analytical brain. This gets me through the rough spots.
Now that I have my confidence back, my next goal is to join Toastmasters to get me over my WORST source of anxiety - public speaking

It feels good to have goals again!

had enough · Post by **had enough** » Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:49 am

Hi! You just gave me the chills-the good kind! I started the program five years ago (when I was 23) and I also have found that it was the best thing that I have ever done! I am glad to hear you say that you have had the best birthday ever. I have to say that I also have had some of the best years of my life since I did the program and I can't wait to experience all my days ahead!

For those of you who are reading, please know that I KNOW that you are going to be successful too because you have done the most important, yet sometimes hardest- part. You have begun the process of healing. I can't wait to see the YOU that you will uncover when it's all said and done! And one day you will be writing a post just like mine and keepontruckin'!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 27, 2009 7:02 pm

Hi, I've been like this for 8 months and it seems like is never going to end and I feel so overwhelmed that I feel like I can even think anymore, I can't wait for that day to come, when I can say: ho my god I feel like my old self again. I'm so happy for those of you that have written your triumphs here, I hope I can do that one day!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:05 pm

keepontruckin,
thanks for your post. it really helps to know that people have recovered and are living happy lives, especially after going thru the program. i'm in week 3 and definitely know the feeling of not wanting to jinx it! i could already see that the program is going to be a huge help. just gotta keep on truckin til the last week when i come out the other side smellin like roses!
thanks

Holly J · Post by **Holly J** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:13 pm

Coming in here this evening and reading over this has done me a world of good. I've been working the program for a few weeks now and I remember feeling better, not good yet, but, better and then I had a rough patch and have not been very successful at pulling myself back out yet. After reading this, I feel hopeful! Thank you guys so much for coming back to share, pinkee

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 4:42 am

Keep on trucking and keep on keeping on...

You truly brought tears to my eyes with your posting... You gave me so much motivation and more hope and belief that I too will one day feel as you do... I should've been finishing my 3rd session this week but decided I needed to apply myself more so I started the program over after the 2nd week and I'm just about done with week 1 again... In this short amount of time I have felt so much better... not completely of course but I have had feelings that I forgot I could feel... my cries are genuinely from hapopiness when I say they are... whereas before I would say they were (who knows maybe they were) but they sure didn't feel like this... I am so so so thankful to God for Lucinda and the whole Stress Center crew for doing this for all of us... No one said it would be easy but it sure feels good to dedicate yourself so hard to something that will change your life forever... Thank you Lucinda for caring enough to make something out of nothing (if you can understand what I mean)... Thank you for your posting keepontrucking... you truly are an inspiration... God bless you...

E-Lo♥♥