Hi everyone(This is long:)),
I haven't posted here for a while for many reasons, but I just had to come on here and post this in the hopes that it will help someone who is struggling with anxiety, who's been that way for years, and who thinks that it's hopeless and that they are the worst with agoraphobia, anxiety, and depersonalization.
That's been me for the past eight years, especially since my son's diagnosis with severe autism. I've struggled horribly with severe trauma, depersonalization, severe agoraphobia, etc. I've had my ups and downs, but I started having more ups about two years ago after doing this program. I'm not going to attribute all of my success to the program because I've tried so many things including a number of self help books, but I can honestly say that it definitely helped me along with good therapy and learning the significance of the stress in my life and that I had to deal with it in a way that was best for me, etc. I do warn that this mentions my Christian beliefs so if anyone is offended that is not my intent, but my intent is for me to tell the truth about what has helped me.
I just had to share this because anyone who's known me and my struggles for the past eight years would just be amazed by this. Although this time last year I was for the first time "feeling" better, the success I had recently was just miraculous. My husband had a job interview, and his work environment is really horrible and my son is not getting the educational services that he should. It seems like it would be great for us to move to a better state, etc., but how could we do it? My anxiety and depersonalization had been so horrendous that just two and a half years ago, I couldn't get from work to home and vice versa without talking to a therapist on my cell phone while my husband drove the car because my depersonalization and panic were so bad. We're talking only a ten minute drive. There were times when I couldn't go five minutes to the grocery store, and I couldn't be left alone either so life got pretty difficult for all of us at my lowest point. I mean, I did start to improve gradually after my lowest point, but I did not think that now that I could travel very far distances. In January, we tried an out of state interview where my son and my husband and my dog went, and on the drive, I just felt like it may not be worth it. My husband said that he wasn't going to press me because if it was meant to be, I wouldn't have great anxiety. The pressure was off, and when we got home, the potential employer was really nice, but the job wasn't going to pay enough for us to be able to live off of so it wouldn't have been worth it. So, I will go to say that sometimes anxiety can be caused by ignoring our intuitions. For example, we may know that something is what is best for us, but we may not have the assertiveness skills or value ourselves enough to listen, and then that comes out in anxiety when we ignore what we know is best for us. That's what I saw with this. Had we continued the journey, I wouldn't have died, but it would have been a lot of stress for no good reason. In February, my husband interviewed an hour and a half away, and I went with him (I hung out somewhere else away from him), and we were both amazed that I had traveled that far and did that well. Again, he was saying it was a choice, and he wasn't going to force me, and that loving approach proved to be what was best for me because I went and let him go:). He didn't get the position, but he kept saying that He felt like God was letting me practice.
Well, it turns out that he was right. Last Monday and Tuesday, he had a job interview about six hours away out of state. The best situation was again for all of us to go including the dog, and for us to employ a respite care worker to help me while my husband had to go on the interview. There were so many hurdles-getting there, him leaving me alone with my son, getting help while there, and traveling back.
The day before the interview, both my husband and I threw a tizzy. We both didn't think it was possible. All we could do was pray. I kept reading Christian self-help books, the Bible, and so did he, and I just let God know that if He told me to do it, I would do it. The verses that kept coming up were ones such as "He will hold you with his right hand...he goes before you, He hems you in(that's a good scripture for someone who depersonalizes-very grounding), He rides on the clouds(He was going to be traveling with me on the clouds:)" All of these verses just made me know that rationally, where ever I was, God was with me. He also goes before me. My safety net also lives inside me in my heart. All of these verses affirmed that. The clincher was the following verse from Psalm 121:8 "He will protect your going out and your coming in both now and forever." Years ago when I was at my worst, I was sitting in my therapist's office who had a joint practice with a Christian neuropsychiatrist(I didn't know this and thought it was from her at the time). Anyway, I looked over on the table, and a "Quiet Times" was sitting there. It had that verse written on the front cover. It was hard to ignore, so I tried to believe it. As three years have passed, I'll often note how that verse has been true. I've been protected traveling, and I have increased my traveling in three years, and God doesn't lie. Now, faced with this trip, I said a little prayer that God would give me that message again. I opened up, yet another Christian devotional that I had found at a garage sale a month ago. I thumbed through it, and on the date that was the trip, I read the lesson. The title was something like "It's O.K. to Soar like an Eagle and Be cautious". It had scriptures to read, and guess what the scripture was? Psalm 121. I couldn't ignore it. The lesson was about a lady who went to climb a mountain to conquer her fear of heights. She couldn't make it to the top, and she heard God say that it was O.K. that she was afraid of falling off of the mountain. It wasn't irrational to be afraid in the situation. She couldn't make it to the top, so she chose to make the most out of the ledge that she was stuck on for right then, and began to explore that until she wasn't afraid. She said it was O.K. she didn't make it to the top because what was a ledge to some was a summit to her, and God said "I love you when you are chicken just the same as when you are an eagle. Besides, look how far you've come!" I know it seems a bit confusing, but again, I got the message that God has been giving me for the past two years that's given me the most healing. He loves me when I'm afraid, and He loves me when I'm brave. Sometimes, we have reason to be afraid in our human flesh-whether it's raising a child with autism or facing cancer. God loves us when we are afraid. His love for me was not dependent on whether or not I went on the trip as long as I tried. No matter what, He let me know that He was going to see anything I did as a success even if I didn't make it all the way. "Look how far you've come!" echoed in my mind and heart. He was glad that my heart was in the right place, and that I was trying. What a loving God!
My husband and I robotically packed and left the next morning not knowing what was going to happen. Before we left, a friend sent me a prayer through e-mail that said that if God wanted us to go on the trip for me to have much peace. I decided that I would ask God to speak, and after knowing all that he's gotten me through, I would now just trust Him and His love. I took that as him speaking. Before we left, I wanted to drop off a colored pencil portrait that I had done of a friend's dog. I had to drop the picture off at her friend's house. The person I did the picture for is recovering from a bone marrow transplant, loves her dog, and lives in another city that we wouldn't be traveling through. I just felt that I had to make sure she got it. The friend came out, and had worked for my husband as a graduate assistant, and she saw us all in the car, and we told her what we were doing. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're going to be able to do it. It's going to work out." She then held my and my husband's hand and prayed for us. Again, I just decided that I would believe her. I had no idea she would pray for us, and say all that to me. She doesn't know all that I struggle with, but somehow she just knew if that makes sense. We set off on the trip. I would just think about all that had happened, and all that I believed were messages from God. I would just use really good self-talk. I tried to enjoy the music and just stay in the moment knowing that as every minute passed we were closer to our destination. I talked with my husband, and petted my dog in my lap. You can imagine our shock when we made it there. I had had the least anxiety traveling that I had had in six years!!! It wasn't very painful at all, and it was a miracle. It felt like home, too. We loved it the minute we pulled into our destination. There were kinks-my husband locked his keys in the car, but he didn't have to go out to eat that night and leave me alone with my son. The person who was supposed to help me with my son canceled at the last minute, but there were these other autism caregivers who found out about it, and they all rallied until two of them worked out something to help me the next day. Then when we went to go to bed, my son threw up. We kept thinking we were going to have to leave and go home, but it would just keep working out because he didn't throw up but once. The next day, the two girls helped me, but one time, my son got a high fever. My husband was at the interview, and I was able to let the caregiver leave me alone with my son and go get medicine. My son developed a rash, but the medicine helped it to go away. I had such peace. Everyone was so nice to us, including a hotel worker who cleaned up my son's vomit and when we apologized he actually said, "It's no problem. You're lucky to have your son to take care of!" My husband and I just couldn't ignore it. We headed back that evening for what turned into a seven hour trip back from my husband missing an exit and having to give our son medicine. I felt anxious as first, but I would just keep reminding myself of all God had told me, and I just kept using the really good self-talk.
Not only was this a miracle, but do you know that I made it through all that with out ever calling my therapist? I didn't call her before or during the trip, and my husband left her a message that we had made it the day after the trip. I just wish everyone could know what a miracle that was!
So, this was long, but I had to share it. I wanted to share it for any person out there who thinks that they will never be healed. I can only give my advice on what's worked for me. First of all, I will definitely say that my relationship with God helps the most. However, it has to be more than just words, and it has to be the right perception. There are many different beliefs out there, and one Christian belief is that if you are afraid that God can't use you, and that if you don't do what you are afraid of that you will miss out on what God has for you. I had to change that perception because it hurt me. I'm not going to say that that won't work for anyone, but for me, that approach makes me feel like God's love for me is based on my performance and saying that He can't work through me when I am at my weakest with anxiety is a lie. God says, "When you are weak, I am strong." Anxiety is a weakness, and God says that He works through us the most often when we acknowledge our weaknesses and ask Him for help and to use even our flaws for His glory. Before the trip, I thought that maybe I was being to "soft", and that I needed to step out, risk, etc. or I would miss out. However, it's like God showed me that wasn't exactly what He wanted in that context. He wanted me to feel His love first and foremost. The trip and my functioning weren't the most important with Him, but my relationship with Him was the most important. That had to be in line, and then all would fall into place no matter what. He wanted me to know he loved me unconditionally. Do you know what would have happened had I not gone? The next day after the trip, the message in my devotional was about how God loves us when we are successful and when we fail. It also said that God wants to use our failures too. Had I not gone, and had I condemned myself, God would have been telling me that He still loved me. I can't explain to you how powerful that shift is. It makes me function higher to know that instead of the other option of seeing God standing over me with a whip and giving me forty lashes if I don't face my fears that He loves me anyway and can use me not matter what and that just takes the pressure off, and it helps me trust Him. I also wanted to say that everyone can tell you to trust God, but it has to be something you experience with Him. Ask Him to speak to you, and show you signs that He loves you, and He will. After this happens over the course of time, it's so much easier to trust when you know that God is trustworthy and you've had your own intimate experiences with Him where he's shown you his unconditional love. There are just so many of us who weren't taught to trust because our parents didn't teach us how to do that for many reasons. Then we're given the advice from others to trust, and we don't know what the heck that is or what it's like, etc.? We simply do not know how to trust, and we have to ask God to teach us that with His unconditional love, and He will:).
So, I just want to say, that over time, seeing God respond to me that way about my anxiety has been the most healing. It increased my faith where I now just believe the messages He sends me. He told me to "try" the trip, and we did and it worked:)! It was all about His grace and mercy, and I just had to accept the gifts. It's been slow going, but it happened. It's O.K. that it's been slow too. As I read in one book, when you go to plant a garden, it takes time to till the soil, plant the seeds, watch the baby plants sprout and grow tall and then produce fruit. Why should we expect that it won't be the same for us? I mean, we do have to put in the work such as doing the program, exercising, eating right, going to therapy, etc., but just as we can not be the sunlight for our garden, we can not be the Son for ourselves. There is an element where we have to let God do the healing just like we have to let the sunlight nourish our garden.
Also, I do want to reiterate that this program helps. The self-talk was invaluable. It's not just the self-talk, but it's believing it. You have to believe it. That may take some longer than others to internalize. I also knew to bring lots of books, and to listen to music, and bring my dog for comfort.
So, I just wanted anyone on here who thinks that they are the worst, to know that that it's not true. You are not beyond help. No one on here is beyond help. If I could do what I did last week, anyone can do it. I promise!
Take care,
luvpiggy
Success traveling:)!
-
Guest