My mother is my negative center what do I do?

Vivian the Great · Post by **Vivian the Great** » Wed Aug 01, 2007 3:29 pm

My mother has never really been a mother figure more friend. I have alot of resentment toward her for things that happened to me as a child. I have tried to get over it because she is my mother and I do love her. She is a good person at heart, but she is so unhappy and negative I've said something about the program and it just seems like she makes fun of me. I realized doing this course I have to do something about it. My husband said to distance myself from her, but I don't want to do that she is my mother and I do have children. Also she has no patient with my kids she yells and uses bad laugage in front of them.(She has really bad road rage) This really upsets me. I have a 2year old who is a mocking bird. So what I'm getting at is do I confront my mom about everything? And how do I do this without hurting feelings and causing a fight! Please Help!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 01, 2007 3:56 pm

Vivian,
Probably not!!,, If she laughs about this program, screams at your kids, uses foul language, why would you want to be around her, or have your children around her.
If she wants to change, she has to make that effort herself. If you want to talk to her about how feel about the way she talks in front of your kids,, thats up to you, but be ready for a fight!!
Maybe distancing yourself for awhile till you get stronger might help you....

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 01, 2007 4:06 pm

What I always suggest is writing a letter. To try and talk about it makes it hard to get everything out---

Write her and tell her what you are going through and how you feel about it and what you need from her. Maybe wouldn't hurt to see if she would go to counseling with you!

Best of luck!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 27, 2007 12:43 pm

Hi Vivian, My mother is the same. She is negative and I'm 52 years old and she has had the same effect on me my whole life. The best thing to do is let your mother know that you love her and you disagree with her at times. During the times you disagree, just let her know in short what you disagree about then go on with your normal activities. It is very hard to disconnect with a difficult person like mom. She is bold, forthright and seems to be controlling. She however is a good person to share time with but not on a negative note. I completely understand and have been struggling for years with this myself. I have a poor self-esteem because of my mom. This you need to nip in the but right away before it controls your life. I doubt you can get out of it without conflict somehow. Let me know how you make out with this. Take Care. Sharon.

Originally posted by Vivian the Great:
My mother has never really been a mother figure more friend. I have alot of resentment toward her for things that happened to me as a child. I have tried to get over it because she is my mother and I do love her. She is a good person at heart, but she is so unhappy and negative I've said something about the program and it just seems like she makes fun of me. I realized doing this course I have to do something about it. My husband said to distance myself from her, but I don't want to do that she is my mother and I do have children. Also she has no patient with my kids she yells and uses bad laugage in front of them.(She has really bad road rage) This really upsets me. I have a 2year old who is a mocking bird. So what I'm getting at is do I confront my mom about everything? And how do I do this without hurting feelings and causing a fight! Please Help!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 27, 2007 12:59 pm

I think a little distance right now until you get stronger in the program. Not break away but just distance yourself from it for awhile.
It is not easy. And won't be.
But you have to take care of you. You won't be good for the others in your life until you began to take care of you.
Hope it works out for you.
Best wishes!
MaryJane

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 28, 2007 9:16 pm

Frustrating. I just posted a long post and don't feel like going thru all that again. So I'm 57 and still battling w/mom. She's only here summers tg but we can still battle over the phone. I've decided life is too short and we've stopped talking too many times over STUPID stuff. I now do what a psychologist told me many, many yrs. ago. Do fun stuff. Out to eat, SHORT shopping trips. Always leave a door open by saying I've only got maybe an hour. If it's fun, you can stay together longer, if not I gotta make another call (when you're on the phone) or be somewhere, do this, that, whatever. Same when you're out with her. I would make it clear about how she speaks to the grandkids and if she can't shape up in that area maybe she won't see them for a while. ALWAYS tell her you love her. Someone on this sight said we need to honor our father and mother whether they deserve it or not. "Whether they deserve it or not" has helped me. Hope this helps you.

manofmusic · Post by **manofmusic** » Tue Aug 28, 2007 9:18 pm

By the way, why is this in the humor section?? Does it mean our mothers are a joke??

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:32 am

My mom is my negative center too. Ive tried to distance myself from her and for a few months it works but then I go back to her and try to get her to talk to me and be apart of my life. Everytime I try it ends with a big fight and I feel a lot of anxiety all over again. My husband feels that I should shut her out of my life but its so hard to do because she is my mother after all. So maybe I do need to just get away from her and leave her be and not have her in my life anymore. Anything I need to do to get better, and if not having my mother there is whats going to get me better then I'm going to do it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Oct 06, 2007 3:05 am

Molly K

Don't should on yourself, and don't should on any one else. You want you Mom to accept you for who you are, and you must do the same for her, she was once a child also, her life was formed, by the world, she grew up in, and she probably has baggage as well. We all do. You are working to rid yourself from your baggage, to free yourself from it all and just be you.

I know from my experience, my mom has passed down to me the curse of being a people pleaser, and now that I recognize it I am reaching down the tree to my daughter, for I passed it to here, and I am reaching up the tree to help my mom, recognize it and set her free from the users that personality trate draws in to our lives.

At your age you must accept & respect each other, as women you must work to become friends, drop the mother, daughter stuff. Ofcouse she is negative, wear do you think you learned it from. but she isn't taking the course so you can't expect her to be where you are in this new evolution of you. Believe me, she will notice, she will see the change in you and she will want to change too. We teach others how to treat us, and now they need to learn to how to treat the new and improved freeer, happyer you! Cut them some slack it is new to them, and I know my husband wasn't sure how to react to the new me. but he is getting it, now a year later, and it is better now than ever. she is you mom, but she is also a friend in your life worth keeping. never give up and never give in. but be patient, and stay as Positive as you can possibly be around her, show her the way.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:51 am

Ah Moms. You can't live with them, and you can't be conceived without 'em.

My Mom loves to say wonderful supportive things, and then out of the blue say the cruelest and most critical cutting barb that ever existed this side of Hades. Knocks my socks off she does, relentlessly negative about my life choice (I help out people in REALLY bad situations in Third World countries)

I've thought about divorcing her, but she'd probably outfox me.

Keep smiling friends

Patrick in Fresno