Being erased from existence

Calm before the Storm · Post by **Calm before the Storm** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 11:04 am

Okay, I've lived most of my life in California, as well as many sunny and tropical places like that. And whenever I was assailed by anxiety I have always managed to overcome it, while living in a warmer climate. Now, I know a person can be happy no matter where he or she lives, but now that I live in Utah my anxiety always reaches a point where I can no longer control it so easily. (Not surprising when you realize that Utah is among the states with the highest rate of depression.) My obsessive thoughts are worse now than they have ever been in my entire life, and I find that I am always fearful and depressed over one scenerio after another.
One scary thought which really races through my mind day in and day out is the thought that I might be utterly erased from existence at any given moment. I always have this strange fear that I may be some kind of artificial intellegence who is being controlled by some thirty year old computer nerd somewhere still living in his perents celler. I fear that at any time I could be deleted from existence for good, and noone would remember me.
And although this thought may seem rediculous, or even hilarious for that matter, I assure you there is nothing more horrifying for me. I have always wondered if I was even real, or even if everyone around me was real for that matter. At night I would lie awake wondering to myself when I would dissapear, or when the universe around me would dissappear. "When?" Iwould ask myself. "When will it all vanish into nothingness?" Of course it never did. But I was always on my gaurd incase it ever did happen.
The most scariest thing was this one time when I was sure it actually happened. Or that my mind was only making it happen. I was in my room reading one night when my light just flickered off and on, pitch black for a split second. I completely freaked out. I thought it was actually happening, I thought that I was flickering in and out of existence and that soon blackness would surround me forever and I would'nt exist at all. I called my sister and she assured me it was only a power surge. But at times i'm still shaken by the incident. Is there any help you can offer me in asuring me everything is alright with me and the universe I live in?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 11:17 am

As bizzare as this symptom may seem, it's actually a pretty common scary thought. It's the combination of having a very active imagination and a tendancy to frighten yourself. That's all. I used to get all kinds of scary thoughts, including this one. And even reading it now, I felt myself get a little panicky. That just proves to show that it is the thought that counts - literally. All it is a thought that you have an emotional reaction to and that reaction frightens you and brings anxiety. You've gotta look at it like this... you have a thought - any thought. Your thought may be "I wonder if it will rain today?" Now, let's say, for some reason, you are terrified of rain, you are going to react to that thought with fear, because you have a strong emotional attachment to the thought. This thought is even easier to overcome than a fear of rain, because it is more likely for the sun to never rise again, than it is for you to completely disappear into thin air. It is NOT going to happen. That sort of thought is merely called "a feeling of impending doom" which is a very common anxiety symptom. The best way to handle that is to take the thought and just let it be there. Don't react with fear, don't react by cringing and trying to rid yourself of it - don't fight it! Just let it be. Try very hard to not react. You can even say "Well, that's ridiculous" Thoughts like that stop coming, when you stop reacting with fear, because then the thought has no substance and it floats away. Thoughts are simply thoughts, that's all. They are only ever thoughts and it's your choice how you choose to react to them. You are always in control!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:27 am

Well thanx a bunch Karilyn. I had no idea that kind of thought was so common with a lot of people. I'm sorry if I got you shaken up by sharing it. Yes, that thought has been with me a lot throughout my life, and I had no idea how to deal with it for the longest time. I think people who suffer from chronic anxiety have a tendency to over-react a lot to different things. Now, I have very very bad vision, and a lot of times I get something called ShadowVision, and I tend to overreact greatly to that dissorder. For example, sometimes I'll see dark shapes flickering in the corner of my eye, or just right in front of my eyes. Sometimes that will happen to me during the day time, in broad daylight. And during those instances when my sight goes very bad and shadows are dancing across my vision, I tend to overreact too much, and that feeling of impending doom comes over me. Not that I'm saying my anxiety woudn't be any better if my sight were clearer, but it would certainly help out.
Anyway, thanks again for your wonderful advice! You've really cleared a lot of things up for me. I am aware that I'm a creative sort of person, and that I need to direct that creativity to more positive things.
I wish you well,
Josh

gates9 · Post by **gates9** » Fri Dec 14, 2007 5:23 am

Josh,

I hate to sound like a broken record, but the shadows in your eyes are actually a common symptom of anxiety as well.

The reasoning beyond that is because your eyes are made up entirely of nerves. When you suffer from an anxiety disorder, your nerves are basically over-stimulated. Which of course, makes sense, seeing that an anxiety disorder affects the nervous system 100% and everything in your body that is entirely or even slightly made up of nerves are also affected.

The thing is is that your body wants to heal, it really does, but we feed ourselves fear and anxiety all day long when we worry constantly about symptoms, scary thoughts, or odd feelings. And the typical reaction is to restrain against those feelings, to fight against them. People think that by doing that, they will prevent themselves from going 'further' into an anxiety disorder, when really, all you are doing is keeping your nervous system so agitated it doesn't even have a shot at resting and recovering itself. The real key to recovery is acceptance, and that's hard. By accepting your symptoms, anxious feelings, scary thoughts, you are taking away the power of fear, which is eventually going to bring you a shot at recovery. All of your symptoms and scary thoughts are a direct result of over-stimulated nerves and a tired mind. They do go away when your nerves recover and your mind gets a break from the chronic worry and obsessing it does all day long. Next time you've got a scary thought or a scary symptom, let it be there and float with it. Accept it. Don't react with fear or obsess about it. Just let it be there and say, "it's just anxiety, it's fine"

Good luck Josh, if you have any other questions feel free to ask.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 30, 2008 9:43 am

im kind of having the same problem as well. all my panic symptoms are gone and have been for about 2 months now. all thats left is this wall of fear where i have no idea what im afraid of and i just feel unsure about my surroundings. sometimes i'm afraid of a heart attack as well, but thats not near as bad as it was a few weeks ago.

how much longer before these feelings go away??
im really trying to do this without medication, but some days just suck and its depressing especially when i have a good day, only to have a bad day after. im on week 10 of the program now and ive been on it for 2 weeks. i really wanna try and clear my head of anything that could be causing this.