Anxiety and intrusive thoughts about relationships. HELP

Loveology15 · Post by **Loveology15** » Fri Aug 14, 2009 8:30 am

Hi, so I posted already but I didnt really explain myself completely. I apologize in advance for the length. I have been reading messages on this forum and they have helped me a lot. I just need some reassurance for my specific situation.

Okay, so I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half. Everything was great until around December, when I started getting these obsessive thoughts about falling out of love with him... It completely destroyed me. I felt like I was going crazy and losing everything good. The Thanksgiving before I went to visit my family in Oklahoma, and I hadnt seen my mom in about 10 years (she was/is a drug addict, etc) and she showed up, unannounced, with a kid that I didnt know about. I was in shock and I never really got upset about it. I actually thought that It was kind of funny. In fact, I never cried about my mom even when I was younger. I was alway numb to it. When I got home I had mono. During mono I got very depressed and I didnt even realize it.

The first day I was better I was with my boyfriend and I were talking and all of the sudden this rush of unfamiliarity and doubt rushed over me... I dont know why. Ever since then I have been obsessed with "what ifs" what if I dont love him anymore, what if we arent right for each other anymore, what if I dont even like him, what if I never loved him? And so on... I just obsess about it and then eventually convince myself that I dont care about him... and then it just goes away for a while. I see everything clearly and nothing feels forced, he doesnt annoy me much, and I just feel natural and like myself. I dont know what is going on. I just feel numb! I feel like I am sabotaging myself!!!

Oh, by the way, I am 18, and this is my first real relationship. I am on zoloft.

PLEASE HELP ME

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Aug 14, 2009 7:42 pm

Your post touched me and I want to give some input. There is something here that you are avoiding that makes you destract it with these obsessive thoughts. Try to figure out what it is. Maybe you need to spice up your relationship with a nice date? Maybe you should talk with him about these thoughts? Does it has anything to do with your mothers failures? Dig into this a little, you will figure this out! I truely hope this provides some help.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:31 am

The important thing is not if your mother didn't love you enough, or if she failed at raising you. Way too much psychoanalysis. You can spend your life searching for some deep-seeded or childhood cause or you can accept the thoughts. I don't mean to believe them, I'm talking about letting them be there without getting so worked up by them.

Once you allow them to be there, and really stop caring whether they are there or not, they no longer come. You're not a "special" type of person, you're a bewildered, sensitized person who is emotionally exhausted from too much anxious brooding.

These thoughts are not rational, therefore they are not resolvable. You are in conflict with yourself as long as you believe that something is seriously wrong with you. You're trying to find some way out of this maze, but there really isn't a maze. I have a few What-If's for you.

What if you didn't care about the thoughts?
What if you stopped What-If'ing about every thought you have?
What if you let the thoughts come and go without over-analyzing them?
What if having thoughts like this do not matter in the least?

Your reactions are controlled based on what you believe, right now, you believe you are threatened.

This is not the madness you believe it to be. You are helping the sensitization linger on by over-analyzing your thoughts and over-analyzing yourself.

So what if you feel numb? It always passes. You can make these numb moments crumble, by becoming passive. (Going on with whatever you're doing while allowing the thoughts and feelings to be there.) No What If's.

You are, as you say, sabotaging yourself by believing something more than just sensitization is wrong with you. You believe you are threatened, that your sanity is threatened. Stop believing these irrational thoughts. You are being bluffed by your own thoughts, hard to grasp, but true.

Best of luck to you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:31 am

WOW!! Loveology, I seriously cannot believe you just wrote that because absolutely 100% describes MY situation. I cannot believe it and feel like I was meant to read this post.I am 10 years older than you with the same feelings!

I am with a boyfriend who is kind, funny, etc. and I know we have a great chemistry.I have felt love for him many times.I've also get those feelings that kind of take-over a couple of times a month for a little while and than I'm annoyed with him, etc.

I had a chat with my sister about it the other day and she basically told me that she also has fleeting thoughts of annoyance about her boyfriend, etc. EVERYONE DOES. Individuals like you and I have to somehow figure out how not to DWELL on these thoughts and then they become destructive and we believe them.

Hang in there, if you are spiritual pray (I will pray for you) AND if you want to message me privately, I welcome that!

It is good to see I am not the only one in the world with these feelings.

Stay strong friend, I KNOW you can do it

Angela

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:32 am

And it is important for me to note so you realize much my thoughts are really alike to yours that when I have these feelings I wonder "should I really be with this person", "is he the one for me".

Should I have any "ah ha" moments, I will be sure to message you.