How do I stop?????

rfn379 · Post by **rfn379** » Mon Mar 02, 2009 9:58 am

OK so I am new to this program and website. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety on and off for several years now since I had gotten out of a very toxic relationship. My current problem that I just can't seem to shake has to do with the relationship I am in now. I've been with this girl for almost 7 months and she is great. The problem is not her...it's in my head. A while back we had talked about our past, which I know was probably not a good idea but it somehow came up in the course of a conversation. I don't even remember how to be honest. But because at that time my depression and anxiety was particularly bad it started this whole thing in my head about people she was with before me (thoughts, mental pictures, etc.). Since then I have bumped into two different people she had a very brief physical/intimate history with (no sex...just hands) and I just can't seem to get the thoughts of these two guys out of my head. One is a guy that works at our company and I just happened to see him in the cafeteria one day and the other is a guy that is in her circle of friends from college. Now it's not that I am going to have to be face to face with either one of them on a regular basis, but the fact that I have a face to put to these people is making it tough for me to get the thought of them out of my head. I don't have this problem with anyone else she's dated in the past, just these two guys in particular that I have run in to. I don't know if it's insecurity or jealousy or what, but the fact that I know what these guys look like and that it is likely I may see them again at some point in the future just makes my head spin. I should mention that my girlfriend knows about this problem and that it's something that was brought on by my depression and anxiety. Obviously it was a big issue at first, but we talked it out quite a bit and she now understands it much better than before. I have told her time and again it's not that I judge her for anything she has done before me, it's just the uncomfortable feelings about the potential of seeing them. I didn't expect her to live under a rock for her whole life waiting for me. She has since become very supportive and helps me a lot with my mental issues. Anyway...I apologize for such a long post. I just wanted to get as much detail out as possible from the start. Any advice on what I can do to help suppress these thoughts??? I love this girl and don't want to continue to have these unhealthy things going on in my head anymore. I am very grateful for any help that can be sent my way.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:22 am

Tell yourself that it is ok to be concerned. You really love this person. Picture the idea in your head getting smaller, don't think directly at it, but breath through and see it grow smaller then grasp a beautiful picture of your girlfriend and imagine tht beautiful image of the one you love getting bigger and bigger. This is a way to change focus. Start making a list of things you would really like to do. Put the list to the side and when your thoughts start drifting to where you are beginning to get uncomfortable, distract those thoughts with the list. Take it out and do what you enjoy doing

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:27 am

The problem is not the thoughts. It's your resistance to them. Don't try to suppress them. You have obsessive thinking and trying to suppress them will just keep them coming back. The thoughts are harmless. You are the one who doesn't like them. If you didn't give a hoot one way or the other if you had the thoughts they would cease to come back. Practice allowing the thoughts to come and go without your emotional attachment to them. It's just your anxiety and ocd - nothing more. Stop fighting.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 02, 2009 12:43 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I think lately I have actually done a much better job of just accepting the thoughts rather than fearing and empowering them. But what do I do when I find myself in the situation when I am around one of those guys and I my mind starts to run wild and I feel uncomfortable? Like I said before, it's not going to happen often, but I just want to be prepared when it does.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 02, 2009 3:35 pm

Breathe into your uncomfortable feelings. Don't push them down. Remind yourself that these feelings are arising out of some kind of fear. Fear needs nurturing so just breathe in, hold for 4, breathe out slowly. There's nothing you need to do. IF there is anything you need to do, it will come to you in the present moment. Stay with the breath.

You could also journal everyday and write out these feelings on paper. Don't try to fix anything. Just write out the feelings. I sense you need to make these feelings OK.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 1:13 am

I think you are 100% right. It's the fear of the thoughts and situations that got me in this mess. I will continue to work on accepting the feelings as being OK and make this fear go away and I am sure it will just get better with time. I have improved...but at the same time I know I still have work to do.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 5:42 am

It's better to confront what you fear and if that fear is a person or people, then let them see you sweat and stutter or whatever is your experience, but do not avoid. Avoidance of any kind is actually the problem. Avoidance keeps your challenge coming back over and over again. When you turn around and face it, and feel the discomfort with that (use your tools to go through the experience) then you are the better for it. You'll see that, yes, you definitely can handle the feelings and emotions, and that's really all you want to know. When you shake and tremble from fear, you are actually shaking free of that part of you that's been keeping you stuck. (Read The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley.) You'll see.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 9:22 am

Thank you so much. You've been very helpful and I will certainly try to put your advice into good practice.