Desperate for relief from ruminating, scary thoughts

[LQGuy]

Hi,

I really need help! I've completed the program one time through and was doing super well! But now, I'm in the throws of the longest lasting, deepest panic attack I've ever had. I essentially drift in and out of panic every few minutes and have for two weeks now. I feel so completely overwhelmed and desperate (not quite suicidal, but feel very out of control).

I held a job for the past 20 years with the same employer. It got old, I started feeling that I was being passed over for opportunities, so I looked for other jobs. A year later, I found one. I became an anxious mess when accepting the new job...terrified from the very moment I turned in my letter of resignation that it was the wrong decision. Everyone supported me, told me it was a great move, and wished me well. I figured, "if the whole world is saying this is good, it must be" and told myself "it's just your usual anxiety. You have to move through it."

So I sold my house, and my supportive partner quit his job and we both moved. We now live in a tiny apartment (we wanted to look for a home systematically so decided to rent first), and I started my new job. I am completely overwhelmed! Seven performance evaluations due at the end of the month, a very hostile union environment, literally 3-5 meetings per day, I don't know exactly what my staff do, yet I "manage" them. And my partner is looking for a job still. We've been in this pattern for a month now. And worst of all, I have a HORRIBLE employee to manage, who is the union shop steward. She has successfully intimidated me. For example, I gave her a performance appraisal that was nothing but positive. She handed it back and said, "I'll sign this, but you have to get rid of this paragraph". I said, why? She said, "I set goals for myself. You don't set goals for me. Once I set them, we negotiate them together". I of course later determined this was untrue. But I just can't imagine talking to your Manager this way. And she does it frequently and it gets under my skin, causing me to ruminate about how best to confront her. The rumination NEVER STOPS!

For the past two weeks, I can't think straight. I'm nauseated several times per day, my partner has to literally get me dressed in the morning (I can't make a simple decision like what to wear), I can't think. I've lost 7 pounds.

I called the doctor who put me on Prozac. It's been almost a week, but no relief. Just chronic diarrhea now. I'm SO lost! I'm SO scared! I can't "turn it off", particularly on the weekends! I've never been in anything this deep before! PLEASE...can someone help me! The intra psychic pain is just too much to bare!! I'm sorry to sound so desperate...I've always not been fond of "drama". And yet here I am, stuck in my own drama that I can't seem to get out of.

If you have thoughts/ideas, PLEASE SHARE THEM! I would be so grateful!!! Thank you!

[Paisleegreen]

Hi LQGuy! Wow, I've been feelings some of the feeling you are! So I can understand how fearful you are right now.
I'm not on any meds, but I finally took a 1/2 of .5 mgs of Xanax. And I've been off of Xanax for a months, almost a year, I think. Although I make sure I have them with me...but I've been distraught as well with my relationships with my son and husband. Mainly the people I live with, that I feel don't respect my wishes.

Whether it is a their way of showing "anger" at me or what just being careless or uncaring, I don't know, but it really has brought on some great anxiety and probably depression.

Anyway, I am impressed that you can handle a job like this and I can't believe the person under you, talked to you that way, just as I can't believe my 20 year old son does the things he does to get my cackles up.

I was always respectful or fearful of my managers. There should have been times I should have spoken up. I just was lucky to get out of that job with that manager, the other managers were fine.

Anyway, I can see that you are under all kinds of pressure all at once...you're not alone. Keep on posting and hopefully we can cheer you on. I'm going through some other changes as well...with summer ending which brings on some foreboding.
Plus my birthday is getting close, so just another reminder that my body is changing and will be.

We people that suffer from some type of anxiety do not like changes...I hope you get to feeling better soon. Paislee