obsessive thinking and relationships. WHAT A WONDERFUL COMBINATION!

jmm84 · Post by **jmm84** » Fri Aug 08, 2008 2:26 pm

Okay...can anyone relate to this...??? Why is it that when I am in the best relationship of my life, my anxiety kicks back in after being gone for almost a year, and attacks the guy I'm with? Before the anxiety came back, everything was wonderful. My relationship was the absolute best one I've ever had. Then anxiety and obsessive thinking comes back and says..."Do you really love this guy??? How do you REALLY feel? Is he really right for you? Remember when he looked at you that way? Was that weird?" And then I immediately go into "NO! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! STOP IT! EVERYTHING WAS FINE!" And then I start having extreme anxiety and these thoughts are going 900 miles per hour in my head while we are sitting there watching t.v. I'm arguing with the thoughts, saying "No, it's not true. He's the best guy I've ever dated. Stop trying to make me think he's wrong for me." And this goes on uncontrollably all at the speed of light. And while this was going on, I was dealing with my mom being sick with cancer and being 1200+ miles away from home. Then she got really sick and I involuntarily put up a brick wall to shut out everything around me, especially this guy, since he was the only person I was around really. This is all over a span of 7 or 8 months now. And my mom has since passed away. It's been 2 months and 4 days.

Now that I have written a book, I was just wondering if anyone else's obsessive thoughts do this to them and their significant others.

Thanks!

jmm84 · Post by **jmm84** » Sat Aug 09, 2008 10:08 am

Ooooooooohhhhh please??? Somebody???

aleisa123 · Post by **aleisa123** » Sat Aug 09, 2008 10:36 am

Yes!!!!! I don that all the time and it's exhausting! I too constantly analyze things and things he said or I said or the look he gave and on and on and on. I don't just do it with my BF I don it with everyone! Do you have the program? It does help, especially the relaxation tape. The only advice I can really offer is to challenge the thoughts and give youself time to relax, focus on something in the moment, the chair you are sitting in the sun on your face, whatever, and BREATHE!!!!! It will take time for you to retrain your mind, but it will happen. Anxiety is the cause. Because we are never in the moment we are always worrying about what was asaid or what we did or what we're gonna say or do or you get the idea right? I hope this helps!!

FrancesL · Post by **FrancesL** » Sat Aug 09, 2008 11:07 pm

Jmm84

I have done this too. I actually recovered several years ago. I get the best guy in the world and boom...it's back again and having to go through the program again. I am sorry to hear about your mom. I didn't have anyone close to me pass, but was WAY over extended between two businesses, along with some medical issues. It is normal. Your brain may be hyperfocusing on your relationship because the other is so traumatic for you. Or, I don't know about you, but this is the first time I have been with someone where I truely felt in my heart "this is it." I think that even GOOD things are stressful. Then you start questioning if you are sure, or blow up small differences and wonder if you should be with this guy because of them. LOL. Life is interesting isn't it? I think as you walk through it, it will get better. You just have a lot on your plate. You will slowly start to balance out in your thinking and your anxiety as you heal from the hurt and also become more comfortable in the relationship and where it is going.
Don't worry. This is normal...just stay with the program.

rcimly33 · Post by **rcimly33** » Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:04 am

WoW can I relate to this. I was in a loveless marriage for 16 years and when I finally got divorced in 04 I had met someone who i thought was the one! It turned out he wasn't but I had these same thoughts and feelings with him and I did that questioning in my head, is this it, do I really love him? It wasn't until that relationship was long over that I met my current husband, yes I said husband and we have been together and married almost 2 years now and have a beautiful 15 mth son and I what if`ed this man and marriage a million times. Finally one day after I sat down and really thought about what was going on did I realize that It had nothing to do with him or if he was right for me, what was really going on was as usual I was sabotaging the only good thing in my life because I was afraid that if he knew how messed up in the head I really was he wouldn't want to be with me so I always looked for flaws in him. Truth be told hes not perfect but he is far better than I gave him credit for. My problems with stress and anxiety and severe depression have always been an issue with me but its only been this year its gotten worse. I had several tragic things happen to me this year including losing my grandfather and almost our beautiful son and I guess it just finally took hold over my frame of mind and the reason I realize that he is who I love and am supposed to be with is because through it all, my anger, my stress and panic attacks, my feeling like I was going crazy and losing my mind, he is still here even though he is the one who gets the brunt of it all. He loves me unconditionally and even though he does not understand he is willing to help me work through it and has reassured me a thousand times he will be here. I was always worried that he would leave me when he saw how mental I was at times so thats why I questioned my relationship and my thinking about leaving him, was based on the thought he would leave me first. I think these thoughts we have are based on our fear but just remember that just because we struggle more than others at times doesn't mean we are less worthy of love or being loved. I hope this helped....

jmm84 · Post by **jmm84** » Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:26 am

Wow you guys...thanks a lot. I was getting worried that no one would respond!!! I was starting to wonder if I was the only one! Both your posts were helpful. I talked about all this with this guy, and he's very understanding. I do have a lot on my plate, and I need to get it all figured out so that I can feel better. But you guys were a lot of help, so thanks!

Allykatz0226 · Post by **Allykatz0226** » Tue May 26, 2009 11:22 am

Jmm84, how did you deal with the thoughts etc? Did you find something that actually worked/helped? i know you posted this a long time ago, but i hope somehow this finds you. You are the only person i have seen that has the same exact thoughts as i do continuously. it ruins my life and i dont want it to ruin my current relationship. Someone anyone please help

09lkv · Post by **09lkv** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:38 am

Hey I'm pretty much echoing what tghe person before me said. I need help, or at the very least somebody to talk to who knows what it's like. Please respond, please

clearsky27 · Post by **clearsky27** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 1:16 pm

Hi All,

I have done and sometimes still do the same thing. I have been with the love of my life for four years now and know that he is the one. Howver sometimes I will get thoughts of what if I dont love him or what if I cheat on him and ruin everything(which I have no desire to do and the thought makes me want to throw up). I realized that I did this when I was younger with my mom. I used to get thoughts off what if I hate her and I dont love her at all. It would freak me out because she was the closest person to me. I thik that OCD (in may case) attacks the people who we are closest with because it goes after my fear of losing them. When I get the thought I have learned that trying to reason or find logic is posintless and you will never win. Instead I ignore it and replace it with a happy thought of us. It has been working.

AJH021581 · Post by **AJH021581** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 7:13 am

I don't have any words of wisdom, but sometimes it helps to know you're not alone...and you're not! I'm doing exactly the same thing (and I'm also dating a terrific guy) with the obsessive, scary, "what-if" thoughts.

I'm also dealing with job stress (as in, I haven't been able to score a job in my chosen career area, even though I'm awesome at what I do (but I'm also new to the field, and I guess that's not cool?)), and I'm wondering if I'm obsessing about my relationship as a cover-up for my job-hunt stress?

Also, like you, clearsky27, I'm doing the "what if I don't actually even like him?" garbage. I'm glad you've found something that's working (positive thinking!)!!